I let my mum down when she was dying

[theworldcanbeshit]

I feel worthless, and like I'm disappearing.

I think you would benefit from EMDR therapy OP. You might have PTSD.

I'm sure you did all you could for your Mum. This is the trauma of her dying that is kind of stuck in your mind - none of this is your fault.

You poor thing.

I remember being party to a discussion where someone mentioned her late mothers dying and how she was a bit shell shocked that it was a lot noisier and stressful than she expected, certainly not the "peacefully slipped away surrounded by her loving family" narrative that they peddled to wider family and friends, to comfort them.

Several other women agreed with her.

The movies portray death very differently to the reality that some people experience, particularly older people.

We had someone very close and dear to us die recently, and he really just drifted away very peacefully on a huge dose of opiates which were keeping him very comfortable.

His mum lost her elderly mother only 3 months ago and she remarked how peaceful it was, compared to her mums passing.

It sounds as if you loved your mum so much, she would hate for you to be torturing yourself.

I think you are in huge pain at her loss.
Try and focus on the lovely woman she was, the great mum she was, the daughter, sister, and friend that she was.

These were the last minutes of her life that were far more painful for you to witness than they were for her to bear.

Wishing you well, and hoping you will find the kindness within you, to show yourself, as she undoubtedly would have wanted.

You’re not medically trained I assumed so how on earth would you be expected to know that could happen and when the right time to give more meds to avoid that? It’s just not something you could have forseen. Please don’t continue to beat yourself up about this, it’s not what your mum would want. She knew you called for help, you did all you could. She’s at peace now, please allow yourself to feel peace at the situations, accept it was horrible but it’s not something you could possibly have forseen or are in any way to blame for

I don't know if this will help but my story is almost the opposite to yours and I feel guilty too. My DH died earlier this year, the last 48 hours were awful but he'd been given medication that calmed him in the last 12 hours.

I'd seen the YouTube videos explaining how people die, the death rattle etc, etc. I was waiting for this and it didn't happen. I've no idea when DH died because there was no final sign, he just didn't wake up after the end of life drugs. I was resting/sleeping next to him waiting to hear the 'death' sounds and it never happened.

Please don't beat yourself up over this, you were there, you provided comfort, nothing would change the outcome. You were there, that's all that matters.

A short post but really important.

Counselling will help you to logically work stuff out and reason things through, as will the many, many supportive posts on this thread that are spot on.

But your brain will still react and be triggered by memories, not only of the event itself, but your initial reaction and all the residual feelings of trauma. It's a form of PTSD.

Trauma focussed CBT is what will help you deal with this aspect - it will provide you with tools to recognise and alter the thought processes in the moment to minimise their negative impact. Both types of therapy are important, but do different things and are needed at different times.

You were there with her and she would have known that. There wasn’t a lot more that you could’ve done…. Please be kind to yourself. That’s what your Mum would want….

You did exactly what you could at the time. You did not let her down, you told her it would be ok etc, you spoke to her. Death is not always pleasant to witness. Id get some counselling if i was you to help you deal with her death but you did all you could.