What question would you ask your dead parent if you could?

[theworldcanbeshit]

I couldn't ask this, but sometimes I want to know if my mum just didn't really believe I was struggling so badly with my disability. Or if she did know, but didn't really care and was irritated at me for not being able to meet my own needs as an adult. It's weird thinking I will never really know her thought process.

They say ask everything before they die but personally I couldn't ask that.

What question would you have found out the answer to, in an ideal world, if you could?

@TheFormidableMrsC
Yes I've done ok thankyou. Been married over 30 years one son, one grandchild, good career in NHS the most amazing friends you could ever want.
I blocked out the memories for so many years but since getting that bit older I've been thinking back like it was then if you know what I mean.
Life goes on and I intend to continue to live the best life I can with my unanswered question. I have my family and friends that I love with all my heart they make me happy.
I just wish I had the answer to make sense of what happened over many years.
Thankyou for being so kind x

I would ask my DM so many things. I had an interesting and at times very challenging childhood.
I'd ask for a timeline of my early years, because we moved so much I can never quite make it all make sense.
I'd ask why she thought it was okay for her 13 year old daughter to be groomed by a 26 year old. She took me to the GP for the pill...
I'd ask whether she knew she was dying (I suspect she did, but she never saw a doctor and died in her sleep in her 50s).

I gave up work. Your mum like me and many others probably thought she was doing the best thing like I did and then got trapped.

Thankyou x This thread just made me think of the past and that was the question I would ask. I've never told a soul but I know this was not my fault but just can't understand why. It happened it's over and life goes on.

Why didn’t you stop smoking when they told you to?

I’d just be happy to get a day with them - especially by mum. Can’t think of anything I’d ask. I’d want to show them things I know they’d be sad to miss, like grandchildren and people as they are now.

No questions, I’d just want my parent to know how much I love and miss them. That they were my absolute hero and that I’d do absolutely anything to have them here with me.

Very sad thread but so heartfelt.

My dad - I have questions about what it was really like being sent away at 6 years old; and why he got sucked in to such obvious scams in his last years to the point of defrauding his partner. But I might not like the answers so best not.

@RagzRebooted I'm so sorry for what happened to you. Life can be cruel but we can't let it break us. I work with women we are so resilient.

Did you visit me in my dream 3 months after you died to say a final goodbye?

No outstanding questions for my late mum; she was a big talker 😂
However I’d ask my grandma who my mum’s father was. I would ask for details about what happened because perhaps the circumstances were very painful for her, but his full name, where he was from and his job.
My poor mum went to her grave without even being sure of his name.

Definitely, this happened to me too.

That's lovely to read. You're an absolute inspiration. Don't discount therapy if you feel you need it. My Dad was abused as a child and it affected him his whole life. He's in his 80's now and has Alzheimers. He still talks about it. So I listen. He was and is a fabulous Dad despite his horrific experiences. You have done an amazing job
getting through x

So many questions about her dying, but not telling me. Or maybe I was so blinkered I couldn’t see what was happening in front of me. She was so optimistic. Maybe it was too difficult to talk to me about. I thought she was invincible. After her death I searched for a letter or something, hoping she had written explaining, but there was nothing. I have never been able to bring it up with my still living dad. She never told me she loved me. As a mother, I know she did. But would love to ask why she didn’t tell me, before it was too late. But then again I didn’t tell her I loved her either. I guess we just didn’t as a family. I tell my DC I love them every day.

I was your only person left when my dad, brother and sister died within two years of each other.
I thought it was me (at six) and you, against the world.
But you marrried again when I was ten, I suddenly had a (half) brother.
All good. Until I realised I was the outsider. You, husband,son. And me.

For years I tried. When you had dementia, I was there. When you had cancer, I was there. When you were dying, I was there.

I mourned. Then I cleared out the house you and step father lived in. And found 5 or 6 years worth of Christmas presents for me unopened. I found bank accounts,showing money saved for half brothers sons, but not mine.
A will leaving money for step brothers family, but not mine.

I am a carer for step father. A man I positively hated in my youth. I am all he has, my half brother doesn't care.

I want to ask my dead mam ...why? Why didn't you love me like a mother should? Why did you choose to ignore the gifts I spent agonising over? Why didn't you love me? Why am I unlovable???

Oh OP, you've opened a can of worms here ....😗

I’d ask for her sausage casserole recipe and if she gets to watch the aceness of the kids from Heaven

I think parents struggle to believe that their children are anything other than perfect.
It feels like a failure to have produced offspring who struggle either physically or mentally.
So the easiest thing to do is not acknowledge any disability.

GrisleyR - I am so sorry, that's dreadful

@Thedogscollar
What an inspiring and brave person you are. I hope you continue to live a happy life after having such an awful time as a child. You are amazing x

I guess I’d love to ask my mum (dead 17 years). Do you wish you’d left him? Are you ok that I did leave my marriage? Do you like my new DP?
Mostly I’d love to spend 24hours with her though the thought of saying goodbye at the end would kill me.

id ask him to tell me he loved me… and to tell mum too. I know he did but I’d like to hear the words , more for her than me, just once. He couldn’t say it. I miss him

Thedogscollar You are amazing

@TheFormidableMrsC
@Londoncatshed
@Lollypop701

I can't thank you all enough for being so kind. It feels weird to have told someone after all these years. This thread just got to me.
AIBU sometimes can be brutal but this thread has shown the best of human nature and empathy.
@theworldcanbeshit thank you for this thread and allowing us to ask our questions. We all have our unanswered questions and we all have history. I guess it's up to us now how we live the rest of our lives and my hope for us all is that we live a bloody good life. Xx

No questions. I'd apologise. Apologise for being angry and annoyed and resentful. She stayed with my abusive father for far too long then ran away with my much younger sister abandoning my brother and I with him. I hated her for so long and never forgave her. We had a relationship of sorts but never resolved it.
But now older and having been in abusive marriage myself I understand and feel so so sad for her terrible life. I would just apologise and tell her I understand and I forgive and love her.

Thedogscollar It was never you, abusers know how to do what they do. It wasn’t your fault you didn’t do anything. You just have to live with it. Which is a legacy that you chose not to continue. So you are amazing because so many people don’t make those choices (I don’t judge them, not my place ) but YOU did. You have given your children a future uncontaminated by your past. Much love for that x