What question would you ask your dead parent if you could?

[theworldcanbeshit]

I couldn't ask this, but sometimes I want to know if my mum just didn't really believe I was struggling so badly with my disability. Or if she did know, but didn't really care and was irritated at me for not being able to meet my own needs as an adult. It's weird thinking I will never really know her thought process.

They say ask everything before they die but personally I couldn't ask that.

What question would you have found out the answer to, in an ideal world, if you could?

Could you hear us?
She was in a coma for three years.

Do you want to meet my daughter?

And I'd wish her a Happy Birthday

Same. And 'do you like the person I am?'

I’d tell my dad how proud we all were of him and how he was a fantastic grandad. He only passed a few months ago though. I’d also ask if his passing was as peaceful as we all hope (he was on his own). I’m not sure if that’s really a good idea though (the answer might not be what I’d hoped).

I’d ask my mum if she has her time again, would she get counselling and worry less about the small stuff. It ruined her life really, angsting over things that were minor. She also believed that all antidepressants were terrible, based on her outdated experience in the 1970’s. I’d ask if she’d do things differently and give herself a chance of unclenching and enjoying life more.

I would want to know how my abusive F could live with the knowledge of what he had ‘put my DSis and me through’ when we were children? Those were his words when he asked forgiveness from my DSis on his deathbed, to describe the sexual abuse we had suffered at his hands. (I wasn’t there when he said this.)

Also, how could he hide what he was so successfully from my DM, his wife? She was devastated to find out what had happened many years after his death. (He died 25 years ago this year.)

As a supposedly committed Christian, how did he manage to live a lie all those years?

I'd ask my dad if he was gay. My mum and dad were married fir 40 years, he died 20 years ago. They had sex five times in their whole marriage. He was an Irish Catholic who left Ireland at 17 to join the RAF in the war. I do wonder if he was gay but repressed it. He was a very loving father to me, but avoided physical contact with my mum, loved the company of men, spent a lot of time in the pub with his mates, no women in the pub in those days. We often talk about this, we both adored him, but it was hard for my mum, who craved his affection, he was liberal with affection for me, but not for her.

I’d ask her ‘how are you?’ I was quite self centred as a teen and in my early 20s and spent a lot of time talking to (at) her about my own fears and worries . She listened patiently, but I didn’t really appreciate it at the time. Took it for granted. Now I’m older I see how kind she was, I would love to be able to give back a bit.

No questions, I'd just like to give him a hug and tell him how much I love and miss him.

Why did you despise me so much?

I'd ask my Dad why he disliked me so much from the moment I was born.

I'd ask my dad if he knew how much I loved him. He died suddenly and I feel like I didn't appreciate him enough when he was alive.

Are you proud of me?
No one has ever said that to me.

Father: How could you see how desperately unhappy I was and not try to do something about it, even if you couldn't admit it was partly your fault or that you had a responsibility to try to help? And in case you ever gave it a moment's thought, yes, it's blighted my entire life and it's too late to sort it out now.

I’d ask my dad what happened to him in Korea, when he was in the army. He had regular nightmares about it, based on what we could hear him shouting in his sleep. He never talked much about it, but I do know he had a near death experience that i think haunted him. He died before we were old enough to be able to talk about such things.

Are you proud of what I have achieved in my life?

Actually there are hundreds of questions but this one is the biggest. I hope he is.

I'd ask my Dad if he knew my Mother was abusing us and whether he thought he should have tried to rescue us, rather than drinking and shagging around.

I think he'd explode in an angry huff so it'd be pointless.

I would like to tell him this though:

"I have nothing to do with Elaine. Your controlling and exploitative ways can't hurt me. I am free and will never mourn you."

Why did you do it ? 😞 why did you think it would be better ?

It didn't hurt at the time because I didn't know what it was like to be a parent. But I could never do what they did 😔

Did you know you were dying?

Doctors told us afterwards that you knew and refused to let them tell us. I still don't really believe that was true.

Why did you leave me with her?

Why didn't you tell him he was adopted. Why did he have to find out the way he did.

Dad why did you sexually abuse me?

Christ, I'm so sorry

Omg thank you so much noone has ever apologised. My parents are dead. I'm 60 years old I've never told a soul.
I just don't understand why.
Thank you for caring.

@Thedogscollar It wasn't your fault. It was his. I'm so so sorry you have lived with this for so long. I hope life after childhood has been kind to you

why didn’t you sort out your bloody finances!

my parent didn’t even have a will.

my il’s have left a fucking great mess with one sibling benefitting to the tune of 500k while the others get nothing. Despite their wishes being clear that all their assets be split evenly.

get it sorted before you die, and don’t assume everyone will play nicely and share when there are big sums of money involved.

Probably because he was a sick fuck and you were easily accessible. It was NOT anything about you, you did not deserve it and it was not your fault. I'm so sorry that happened to you. X