Struggling with colleague

[Krayvon2]

A colleague I manage has ADHD. I've always been more than happy to accommodate and I've asked them several times what adaptations need to be made to brief in tasks etc

They've never been forthcoming with specific recommendations and it's always been vague so I've done my best and given them double the amount of time with tasks, ensured briefs are crystal clear with deadlines and regularly checked in and offered to help.

For a recent task I gave them double the amount of time I would give myself, sent them a brief and made sure they weren't given too many other tasks that week so they could concentrate on this one. I've always made clear that if they have difficulties for whatever reason, they need to let me know.

They left the task to the last minute and didn't do half of it so I had to step in and do a lot myself at the eleventh hour in order to avoid missing a client deadline. They didn't communicate difficulties at any point until I checked in. I'm at a loss as to what they were actually doing in the week I gave them to do the task.

When I pulled them up on it and asked what had happened, they mention the limitations of their condition straight away and explain how they have trouble with things like prioritising and focusing. Yet they didn't reach out once to explain this or ask me to brief in a different way to make it easier for them.

Have I been unreasonable here? I'm not pretending I have the answers but I have tried all I can think of to accommodate yet its not working and they're not really giving me much guidance on what they need yet it's always the reason why they can't do the work I set.

Meanwhile I'm taking on lots of extra work so as not to overload them yet they struggle with completing one single task. No idea what to do.

And @CloudyOwl it's also very frustrating that someone who is not living with ADHD is questioning their experiences and saying that they are mistaken, maybe they have ASD instead?
I'm sure that poster knows a hell of a lot more about ADHD than you do, and she was trying to be helpful by describing the challenges she faces in circumstances that someone who doesn't have ADHD wouldn't have any issue with at all.

I'll add that @jitteryquick there is lots of ADHD stuff in here that you might identify with, but read it again from an ASD perspective. Maybe you don't identify with ALL of it though?

It's awful that neurodiversities are so pigeon holed, as the they are often comorbid. All the ADHD people reading this will relate to certain bits.

Apologies if I've been argumentative, but I work with neurodiverse people and I think there is a huge lack of understanding (and stigma?) around neurodiversity.

Where did I say I tried to learn about ADHD?

Haha! I live with ADHD every single day.

Don't assume that everyone on Mumsnet is an uneducated arsehole. Sometimes you might stumble upon exactly the sort of person who helps families with with sort of stuff.

Apologies for being insensitive @NeverDropYourMooncup.

If she's in a work situation and well aware of problems prioritising/focusing, how hard is it just to write down the check list of tasks you gave her and number them by priority. She could ask you to confirm.

Once she has a written list of tasks in order of priority....

But inform me that I need to tell somebody exactly what I need when I'm sat there thinking 'I CAN'T DO THIS'? You're just dumping another distraction, a huge task, upon my head.

I agree dumping stuff in your workplace is unacceptable - for anyone, NT or ND. But how do you expect your colleagues to know that is materially and seriously impedes your ability to do your job if you don’t TELL them?

This is part of the problem for @Krayvon2 - her colleague uses ADHD as a shield and won’t have a constructive conversation about specific adjustments or work patterns which would help him to actually do his job.

Managers aren’t mind readers and are often carrying heavy mental loads in managing the team or office.

Lists don’t work for me. There could be one thing on it and I’d do 50 other things until 5 mins before that thing is due before doing it.

But inform me that I need to tell somebody exactly what I need when I'm sat there thinking 'I CAN'T DO THIS'? You're just dumping another distraction, a huge task, upon my head.

How can a manager 'manage' then?
On this thread op and others are being lambasted for not helping in the right way/not doing enough research/not finding out what will help the colleague in their individual manner, but to actually ask what's needed is a distraction as well?

Because people are assuming people with ADHD know what will help but are choosing to keep it to themselves. It's not like that. We don't always know. It is a major problem and you want us to figure out how to solve it. Some people will have ideas and strategies that work for them, others will only have ideas and strategies that worked once, in a specific circumstance, which wont work now. It's like any other disability. You don't say to someone in a wheelchair "tell me what to do so you can walk up that flight of stairs." You work together to find a way to get that person where they need to be. If something doesn't work, try something else. Dont just throw your hands up and say "I've tried. You've not."

I don’t think that’s necessarily a managers job - surely that’s what trained Occupational Health practitioners do?

@Krayvon2 has already tried to assist her colleague to help him figure out how he can do his job. He’s not cooperated and now the OP is being scolded for making things harder for him. You can’t have it both ways!

Occ health can only advise.

Managers still have to decide what adjustments can be made.

How about looking at it as though you're speaking to somebody on the floor with a clearly broken ankle 'You aren't standing up. We all stand up here'. They responded through the pain 'I've broken my ankle'?

The current replies are 'Well, that's all very well, but what do you want us to do about that? You have to stand up, we all stand up here, there's a random person on the 3rd floor who said he broke his ankle, but was fine and just walked it off by trying really hard. Come on, tell us what your plan is to be standing up like the rest of us'.

...I've broken my ankle?

'Not good enough. Now you're behind on your standing up, so you need to stand up AND provide me with a fully researched and costed report upon exactly how broken ankles are treated and the biological, chemical and physical processes by which they become not so broken so that you can stand up just like everybody else without a broken ankle. By tomorrow morning, because you've got a lot of standing up to catch up now.'

@CloudyOwl apologies I got your username mixed up with the other poster who is leaving her job because she's struggling to manage a supervisee with ADHD

How has he not co-operated? All I see is them trying things which haven't worked. That isn't his failure. What is a manager's job if not to manage individuals? If you as a manager can only handle one type of person, then you are not a very good manager. But you can become a better manger if you want.

And in none of her posts has the OP mentioned Occ Health. That's what I've "scolded" her for. A referral to them should have been one of the first things she did when the employee disclosed their ADHD.

I wish you were my boss OP. When I told my boss i had it - she told me:

1. That everyone has it nowadays and it has become like a fashion label.
2. That I should be careful taking meds as it will be like “taking speed”.
3. That the team won’t tell me when I’ve done things well as it will make my self esteem Lower - if I hear nothing I’m going fine apparently.
4. Basically that I should just pull my socks up as it’s not fair on the team that I’m struggling at the moment.

All this was after I went to the doctor, had an assessment and was going for meds. Told the boss I wanted to get better and function the best I could. She now makes comments infront of me and others in my team of how she hates adults seeking these mental health diagnosis’s when she reads things in the paper etc. Safe to say I’m livid.

Oh and also that I should continue masking as it was working fine before. When I told her masking gave me a headache when I got home and ruined my evening - she said “well now you’re not and it’s ruining work isn’t it!@ 🤷‍♀️ I kid you not.

@CloudyOwl why are you so determined to be right about something you only know about on a surface level?? I have adhd and I am also tell telling you I could not work in that scenario. I definitely do not have any asd traits.

They left the task to the last minute and didn't do half of it so I had to step in and do a lot myself at the eleventh hour in order to avoid missing a client deadline.

@BadNomad Surely the colleague must realize that they’re not doing their job if they only complete half a task though? It sounds as if they weren’t particularly bothered about it either-that’s not really cooperative behavior.

Most people are concerned if they miss a client deadline, possibly even worried about keeping their job. This person doesn’t seem to be taking any responsibility at all.

They only did half of it because they ran out of time to finish it due to starting it at the last minute because of ADHD. That has nothing to do with cooperation. They cooperated by trying out the idea of extra time. It didn't work. What might have worked better was an earlier deadline, so when they only got half finished they could have been granted a short "extension" to finish the rest. Then, because they were filled with stress and adrenaline, they might have been able to complete the task. That is how ADHD works. Stress or pleasure are the things that drive action.

Grievance. Now.

@BadNomad i appreciate that the ADHD may have caused his inability to complete the task, it’s the lack of concern that I don’t understand, tbh.
He wasn’t worried about it and let the OP complete the task for him. I suppose I don’t get it, but I can see why it’s hard to work with.

How do you know he wasn't worried or concerned? The fact that he was able to start it and complete half shows that he felt stressed and under pressure as the deadline became immediate which is what enabled him to start. If he hadn't been worried/concerned he wouldn't have done any of it.

I can appreciate that it's hard for people who don't experience ADHD to understand it. But it is unfair to apply a NT interpretation to ND behaviour. For a "normal" person, his actions would give the impression of apathy, lack of respect, not caring etc. But in a ND person that couldn't be further from the truth.

@BadNomad i hope they work out some suitable accommodations, the current situation sounds untenable for both the colleague and the OP.

"Driven to Distraction" is a really good book to have a read of. It has a number of case studies and lots of strategies to help manage it.