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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Friend's new boyfriend - a red flag?

85 replies

Pigtailsandall · 10/02/2023 21:42

Something so odd happened today that I thought it deserved its own AIBU.

I have a lovely friend of many years. I live in London, she lives up north, so we see each other a few times a year. She's been dating this man for about a year now - it's been a slow start because they were both travelling/working a lot in the start, but the relationship seems to have gained momentum recently.

They are visiting London and staying for a long weekend ,and today was the first time I met him. I took a half a day off work to meet them, and we went straight for lunch. He seemed nice, chatty and quite funny, and he insisted on paying for the whole lunch as I was "an old friend" of his now too. I agreed, slightly reluctantly.

We went for a walk in a nice neighbourhood, and eventually stopped for a coffee at a patisserie. When we walked in he announced I could get anything I liked and he would "treat us". I said, firmly, that I would pay for myself this time but thanks. As we left, I realised he had paid while I was in the loo between ordering and our coffees coming. I though he was trying a bit hard, but then something truly bizarre happened. I was appraising the cakes as we were getting our coats and leaving and he insisted (loudly, people were turning to look) that I take home a few cakes. He said he would buy a few for them too, for breakfast the next day. He kept saying that a particular cake looked really nice, "don't worry, I'll get it for you" and I kept saying no, thank you, I was ok. But he was getting quite loud, it was a small space and eventually I said, Fine, more to get him to shut up so we could leave. I pointed at a small chocolate cake, and he went to the till, got 3 small cake boxes, paid and handed me one.

We then went for a stroll on the high street, looking at shops. My friend wanted to buy a present for her niece, so we went into an absurdly expensive children's clothing store (He paid, of course) and when he saw me picking up and looking at something (I don't even remember what, I was really just waiting for my friend to choose) he was by my side like a flash asking if I wanted it for my DC. I almost dropped the garment. It felt like an uncomfortable afternoon, and I missed not being able to chat to my friend freely - I felt like she was quieter than normal. I made a very specific effort to not touch anything else at subsequent shops.

But now, I'm home after a glass of wine with them (he paid, of course - I was totally worn out and just let him) and I've opened the cake box. Inside is the cake HE noted looked good - not the chocolate cake I chose. I texted a very nonchalant message to my friend, basically asking if maybe our boxes got mixed up, and she texted me back saying "No, XXXX thought that one looked really good and thought you should have it". I know it's only a cake, but what kind of a freak changes someone's order behind their back? Or am I overreacting? I feel like this is a total red flag, right?

OP posts:
ThePoshUns · 10/02/2023 21:45

I don't know. As a one off I'd give him the benefit of the doubt that he was trying to make a good impression. All a bit off. Is he British? If not I'm thinking cultural differences?

anaconda1831 · 10/02/2023 21:46

It’s definitely strange! Reading into it sounds like someone who likes to be in control and didn’t respect what you were saying, even if to be generous

Pigtailsandall · 10/02/2023 21:50

@ThePoshUns Yep he's British

@anaconda1831 that's my worry too - that he will keep choosing what she will do, where she goes etc. but maybe I am a million miles ahead of myself.

OP posts:
00100001 · 10/02/2023 21:52

Should have just accepted a cake with grace at the patisserie.

WetBandits · 10/02/2023 21:52

I hope he was just clumsily trying to impress her. 🤞🏻

bloodymary100 · 10/02/2023 21:55

Red flag for me but I have friends who aspire to meet a man like that...

PermanentTemporary · 10/02/2023 21:55

Yes a bit weird. But I give people a pass for nervousness first time out.

Tbh I rarely get on that well with my friends' partners, and other people's relationships usually look pretty awful. I'd aim to meet up with her solo unless that means you never meet at all.

MonicaFree · 10/02/2023 21:58

How did your friend get on with all this - was she embarrassed?

YNK · 10/02/2023 21:58

What a controlling barsteward!

Patbutchersearrings1 · 10/02/2023 22:02

Phwoarrr send him my way, I want to go shopping!

Highdaysandholidays1 · 10/02/2023 22:06

My friends have married some very odd men, hardly any of them seemed to act normal on first encounter, but they seem to have got on fine in the last x number of years. I think you are right it's all very odd and not relaxing, I'd just keep the lines of communication open with her so she can tell you if it is stepping towards controlling. I would hate this type of behaviour, especially if I wanted one particular cake!

Theunamedcat · 10/02/2023 22:09

Why would he change your cake? What if you didn't like that kind of cake 🤔 blergh he makes me feel icky

oknowimscared · 10/02/2023 22:11

Massive, narcissist red flag. He’ll probably try and put a wedge between you and your friend. Don’t let it happen.

TheSnowyOwl · 10/02/2023 22:13

How bizarre. I think it depends whether he was very anxious about meeting you and making a good impression, which totally backfired or whether today was just an example of what he is typically like.

Sparkleshine21 · 10/02/2023 22:15

@Patbutchersearrings1 🤣🤣🤣

Sparkleshine21 · 10/02/2023 22:16

Yeah weird. Unless he’s very insecure and this is his way of making friends with people, by throwing money at the situation? Either way doesn’t bode well.

Twawmyarse2 · 10/02/2023 22:18

I wonder if you are seen as the wealthy southerner friend living in trendy London and she talks about you as such so he is going overboard trying to prove he can buy anything he (and you!) may desire?

He sounds like a weirdo though and it would give me icky red flaggy vibes too.

FlappyValley · 10/02/2023 22:21

More red flags there than a jubilee street party, OP. He sounds like a controlling narcissist. Perhaps those saying it’s fine have never learnt the hard way that you should never, ever trust a man who refuses to hear the word NO.

Assuming you’d prefer not to just tell your friend that you think he’s a giant creep, I’d gently ask her if she’s comfortable with his extreme “generosity” and say you found his insistence a bit overwhelming (or something along those lines). That way she’s less likely to ignore any nascent doubts she may already have about him.

FangsForTheMemory · 10/02/2023 22:22

My Twatometer has just broken. Avoid him.

Eastereggsboxedupready · 10/02/2023 22:22

Actually my exh bought me a chocolate bar I didn't like. After 7 years.
"But I thought you might like it.." .
He was a controlling cunt of the highest order..
Beware for your friend ime op.

Round123 · 10/02/2023 22:23

Ahh he sounds a lot better than most of my mates partners! How nice he wanted to spend time getting to know you x Don’t over think it, enjoy the cake.

FlappyValley · 10/02/2023 22:23

Also…

but maybe I am a million miles ahead of myself.

I think it’s far more likely you’re just listening to your instincts. Never dismiss them.

Pigtailsandall · 10/02/2023 22:23

@Highdaysandholidays1 yes I'd agree, I have a few other friends in relationships with slightly odd men but none of them have messed with my cake before

@Theunamedcat it's the "I know better than you what you want" is the main red flag for me too

Maybe he is just being insecure and uncomfortable but it came across super controlling

OP posts:
samqueens · 10/02/2023 22:28

🚩

Evergreenlevelbest1 · 10/02/2023 22:35

You’re right @Pigtailsandall definitely lots of red flags. Men who compulsively take control of what’s going to happen next are annoying, but decent versions of them exist I think. Definitely a red flag, but not necessarily damning if your friend is easy-going and doesn’t really care about these things.

What concerns me a bit more is the love bombing generosity and controlling combo. Generosity is a lovely trait, and I usually hate when people pathologize it, but this is out of hand I would honestly tell her to run a mile. This won’t end well, someone who is either that desperate for approval or that manipulative is likely going to waste a lot of your friend’s time, at best. I’d be blunt personally, say what feels like a red flag, ask her what her thoughts are. She probably won’t like it at first, but if she gets a few more red flags she might just get out early.

Was the cake particularly good?

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