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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Friend's new boyfriend - a red flag?

85 replies

Pigtailsandall · 10/02/2023 21:42

Something so odd happened today that I thought it deserved its own AIBU.

I have a lovely friend of many years. I live in London, she lives up north, so we see each other a few times a year. She's been dating this man for about a year now - it's been a slow start because they were both travelling/working a lot in the start, but the relationship seems to have gained momentum recently.

They are visiting London and staying for a long weekend ,and today was the first time I met him. I took a half a day off work to meet them, and we went straight for lunch. He seemed nice, chatty and quite funny, and he insisted on paying for the whole lunch as I was "an old friend" of his now too. I agreed, slightly reluctantly.

We went for a walk in a nice neighbourhood, and eventually stopped for a coffee at a patisserie. When we walked in he announced I could get anything I liked and he would "treat us". I said, firmly, that I would pay for myself this time but thanks. As we left, I realised he had paid while I was in the loo between ordering and our coffees coming. I though he was trying a bit hard, but then something truly bizarre happened. I was appraising the cakes as we were getting our coats and leaving and he insisted (loudly, people were turning to look) that I take home a few cakes. He said he would buy a few for them too, for breakfast the next day. He kept saying that a particular cake looked really nice, "don't worry, I'll get it for you" and I kept saying no, thank you, I was ok. But he was getting quite loud, it was a small space and eventually I said, Fine, more to get him to shut up so we could leave. I pointed at a small chocolate cake, and he went to the till, got 3 small cake boxes, paid and handed me one.

We then went for a stroll on the high street, looking at shops. My friend wanted to buy a present for her niece, so we went into an absurdly expensive children's clothing store (He paid, of course) and when he saw me picking up and looking at something (I don't even remember what, I was really just waiting for my friend to choose) he was by my side like a flash asking if I wanted it for my DC. I almost dropped the garment. It felt like an uncomfortable afternoon, and I missed not being able to chat to my friend freely - I felt like she was quieter than normal. I made a very specific effort to not touch anything else at subsequent shops.

But now, I'm home after a glass of wine with them (he paid, of course - I was totally worn out and just let him) and I've opened the cake box. Inside is the cake HE noted looked good - not the chocolate cake I chose. I texted a very nonchalant message to my friend, basically asking if maybe our boxes got mixed up, and she texted me back saying "No, XXXX thought that one looked really good and thought you should have it". I know it's only a cake, but what kind of a freak changes someone's order behind their back? Or am I overreacting? I feel like this is a total red flag, right?

OP posts:
DowntonCrabby · 11/02/2023 11:52

It’s the not accepting “no, thank you” for an answer the first time that’s the massive screaming red flag. Yuck

AliceOlive · 11/02/2023 11:52

Oh that’s good. Suspect it won’t last.

DowntonCrabby · 11/02/2023 11:53

Just seeing the update, yes hopefully it won’t last.

FlipFlopBattle · 11/02/2023 12:22

Good that your friend can see his controlling behaviour to an extent, but she may still justify it somehow at this early stage.

If she's starting to have doubts but not sure, good tests would be: announcing that she's thinking of getting her hair cut really short / dyed a different colour; mentioning that she's going to have dinner with a male friend she's known for years; asking if he still in contact with any exes.

If he puts pressure on her not to do either of the first two, and gets ranty about all exes being the ones responsible for their relationship going wrong, you've pretty much got your answer: a control freak whose previous partners have probably legged it as far away as possible.

WimpoleHat · 11/02/2023 12:30

I chose a chocolate cake, kind of sachertorte looking thing, he swapped it for an elaborate carrot cake.

Oh - that is really weird. I could just about (just about) see it if you’d chosen the smallest, cheapest chocolate thing and he thought you’d have liked something more elaborate along the same lines (even then, it’s odd not to get both). But maybe you don’t like carrot cake! Lots of people don’t! Or you could be allergic to nuts, or orange or something. Very odd indeed to swap your cake.

Triffid1 · 11/02/2023 12:48

Like.others the insisting on paying was annoying and a bit infantalising perhaps and I would have found it annoying. But would probably give him benefit of the doubt- first meeting, nerves etc.

But changing your cake after insisting you buy one is a huge red flag. This is the kind of man who will complain you weren't grateful.enough after he spent all this money....

NeedNwJeans · 11/02/2023 13:02

It's a bit weird, but some people are more generous than others and I would expect someone you meet for the first time , he's trying to impress you if know that you & your friend are close. The cake thing- are you sure the cake shop didn't get them mixed up? Otherwise that's the weird one.

Also, if your friends travels with his BF for a weekend away, you'd expect to see them as a couple, not seeing your friend alone?

ChaToilLeam · 11/02/2023 13:11

The combination of excessive generosity, ignoring your “no thank you” and changing your cake point to him being controlling. I hope your friend will see this soon and extricate herself.

rainbowstardrops · 11/02/2023 13:50

So he was overbearing yesterday and now he has decided to change the plans for today. I hope your friend ditches him soon.

enoughofthiscrap · 17/02/2023 12:12

Any update? Did you speak to your friend?

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