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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Friend's new boyfriend - a red flag?

85 replies

Pigtailsandall · 10/02/2023 21:42

Something so odd happened today that I thought it deserved its own AIBU.

I have a lovely friend of many years. I live in London, she lives up north, so we see each other a few times a year. She's been dating this man for about a year now - it's been a slow start because they were both travelling/working a lot in the start, but the relationship seems to have gained momentum recently.

They are visiting London and staying for a long weekend ,and today was the first time I met him. I took a half a day off work to meet them, and we went straight for lunch. He seemed nice, chatty and quite funny, and he insisted on paying for the whole lunch as I was "an old friend" of his now too. I agreed, slightly reluctantly.

We went for a walk in a nice neighbourhood, and eventually stopped for a coffee at a patisserie. When we walked in he announced I could get anything I liked and he would "treat us". I said, firmly, that I would pay for myself this time but thanks. As we left, I realised he had paid while I was in the loo between ordering and our coffees coming. I though he was trying a bit hard, but then something truly bizarre happened. I was appraising the cakes as we were getting our coats and leaving and he insisted (loudly, people were turning to look) that I take home a few cakes. He said he would buy a few for them too, for breakfast the next day. He kept saying that a particular cake looked really nice, "don't worry, I'll get it for you" and I kept saying no, thank you, I was ok. But he was getting quite loud, it was a small space and eventually I said, Fine, more to get him to shut up so we could leave. I pointed at a small chocolate cake, and he went to the till, got 3 small cake boxes, paid and handed me one.

We then went for a stroll on the high street, looking at shops. My friend wanted to buy a present for her niece, so we went into an absurdly expensive children's clothing store (He paid, of course) and when he saw me picking up and looking at something (I don't even remember what, I was really just waiting for my friend to choose) he was by my side like a flash asking if I wanted it for my DC. I almost dropped the garment. It felt like an uncomfortable afternoon, and I missed not being able to chat to my friend freely - I felt like she was quieter than normal. I made a very specific effort to not touch anything else at subsequent shops.

But now, I'm home after a glass of wine with them (he paid, of course - I was totally worn out and just let him) and I've opened the cake box. Inside is the cake HE noted looked good - not the chocolate cake I chose. I texted a very nonchalant message to my friend, basically asking if maybe our boxes got mixed up, and she texted me back saying "No, XXXX thought that one looked really good and thought you should have it". I know it's only a cake, but what kind of a freak changes someone's order behind their back? Or am I overreacting? I feel like this is a total red flag, right?

OP posts:
RebeccaCloud9 · 11/02/2023 06:21

If he'd got you both cakes it would have been more about being generous and awkwardly trying to make a good impression on his gf's friend. Replacing your order makes it more about control and narcissism.

BellaJuno · 11/02/2023 06:22

HarlanPepper · 11/02/2023 05:27

I don't understand how anyone can read the OP and not think this guy's behaviour is, at the least, odd!

I know it's mainly about cake, and cake is nice and everything, we all like cake. But this is someone who won't take 'no' for an answer. I can almost understand about lunch - friendly arguments about paying for a meal can become a bit of a power play sometimes, but having 'won', it's like he had to keep winning all day. Weirdo. Red flags everywhere.

Yep, this for me. The lunch thing sounds pretty normal on its own, first time meeting and he wanted to impress etc but the rest would give me pause for thought. Is he just socially unaware and clumsily trying to prove to you how capable he is of looking after your friend, or he is a massive control freak who thinks he knows better than everyone and won’t take no for an answer?

I’d be having a chat with my friend when he’s not around, gently pointing out you felt a bit railroaded/had your wishes over-ridden and see how she reacts. Was he acting out of character or does he act that way with her in general?

The cake is a massive red herring (so to speak 😂) that the more flippant posters are getting distracted by, your instincts are telling you something isn’t right.

Mainlinethehappy · 11/02/2023 06:25

If this behaviour meant that I could stop work and enjoy hobbies all day, where do I sign up to get one of him?
But I'd keep an escape fund...

rainbowstardrops · 11/02/2023 07:28

I'd wonder if he was just trying to make a good impression but swapping your cake choice would piss me off!
Are you going to mention it to him and ask him why when you see him?
I'd also be ready to support your friend when she needs it.

winningeasy · 11/02/2023 07:31

Sounds like a bloody annoying weirdo

Jimboscott0115 · 11/02/2023 07:44

I wouldn't say red flag but definitely sounds full on and very OTT right now. The type of cake he got us pretty small fry and I think he was probably a bit over excited and trying to make an impression.

The way by I'd see it is he didn't mistreat your friend in any way, in fact he was probably trying too hard to treat you both really well. There's nothing alarming about this behaviour you've described, other than if this is who he is - he sounds a bit too much and too full on to get along with.

To those saying he's clearly controlling etc based on this story alone. That is pure projection and quite a sad way to see things. I can certainly see why someone would get twat vibes though, while I wouldn't judge yet - he sounds hard work!

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 11/02/2023 08:12

What cake did he choose to replace the chocolate cake you chose?

Not relevant I know but I am intrigued.

But anyway, I would be cross and he sounds controlling. An ex of mine was a bit like this, all grand gestures and had to pay for everything and showing off. It gets really old really quickly.

I hope your friend doesn't get arsey if you raise it with her...

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/02/2023 08:15

Seems odd and claustrophobic. I’d be keeping an eye on your friend. Maybe compliment him to her with ‘gosh, incredibly generous, is he always like that?’ Ask for examples of what he’s done etc.

TibetanTerrah · 11/02/2023 08:15

The whole way thru I could just about put it down to nerves/wanting to impress and give him the benefit of the doubt, until he ordered you a different cake.

He really steamrolled over that whole day out didn't he Confused

BenCoopersSupportWren · 11/02/2023 08:45

To those saying he's clearly controlling etc based on this story alone. That is pure projection and quite a sad way to see things. I can certainly see why someone would get twat vibes though, while I wouldn't judge yet - he sounds hard work!

Nope, it’s based on experience, both my own and that of good friends. If he was really trying simply to “make a good impression” he’d have bought the OP two chocolate cakes, or the cake she wanted plus the cake he wanted to treat her to. But he ignored her clearly stated choice and forced his own preference on her instead.

I understand that to people who haven’t been on the receiving end of or witnessed loved ones enduring controlling, narcissistic behaviour it might seem like a small and insignificant thing. But it speaks volumes about this man’s character and attitude to women.

DoristheDuchess · 11/02/2023 09:00

Thing is, with controlling people they don't suddenly become controlling. There are always little tell tale signs that give away their need to control. Most people are blind to them, brush them off or lean towards always giving people the benefit of the doubt. They don't really open their eyes and see what's happening. They gaslight themselves or others unintentionally because 'No he/she isn't really a bad person, they meant well'.

It's an astute person who trusts their own intuition and acts on it.

TootsAtOwls · 11/02/2023 09:02

He sounds utterly bonkers!

I'm guessing the cake he chose for you was bigger than the one you pointed to? He'd probably say "oh she was just being polite so I got her the big cake she must have wanted really".

As pp have said, lots of red flags .

WimpoleHat · 11/02/2023 09:05

I’ve come across the “won’t let a woman pay” types before and they usually mean well rather than being sexist pigs; it’s like an extreme “ladies first” upbringing. The “I’ll pay for lunch as you’re an old friend of mine now” was quite charming in its own way and he was probably trying to impress you. But the cake thing? Yes, that was very odd. Very odd indeed. But time will tell, I suppose…..

MistyFrequencies · 11/02/2023 09:12

FlappyValley · 10/02/2023 22:21

More red flags there than a jubilee street party, OP. He sounds like a controlling narcissist. Perhaps those saying it’s fine have never learnt the hard way that you should never, ever trust a man who refuses to hear the word NO.

Assuming you’d prefer not to just tell your friend that you think he’s a giant creep, I’d gently ask her if she’s comfortable with his extreme “generosity” and say you found his insistence a bit overwhelming (or something along those lines). That way she’s less likely to ignore any nascent doubts she may already have about him.

This. Sounds exactly like my sisters ex. She ended up fleeing with nothing but the clothes on her back. Stay in touch with your friend, she may well need you.

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 11/02/2023 09:17

my niece had a boyfriend like this and although generous meant that we had no choice and it got very frustrating.

xsquared · 11/02/2023 09:38

I think I'm with you OP. Paying for lunch as a one off on your first meeting seems like he is trying to make a good first impression. Normal.

Paying when you've already said no to coffee and patisserie and insisting on paying for a different cake to the one you thought looked nice, is overbearing. He should have respected your decisions and that's twice he's not taken no for an answer.

I am not saying he is a potential abuser or narcissist, but in my experience it starts with little things like this, and if you say no to other things further down the line, then you're the one who is made out to be the bad guy.

FebName · 11/02/2023 10:08

HarlanPepper · 11/02/2023 05:27

I don't understand how anyone can read the OP and not think this guy's behaviour is, at the least, odd!

I know it's mainly about cake, and cake is nice and everything, we all like cake. But this is someone who won't take 'no' for an answer. I can almost understand about lunch - friendly arguments about paying for a meal can become a bit of a power play sometimes, but having 'won', it's like he had to keep winning all day. Weirdo. Red flags everywhere.

Exactly @HarlanPepper and that's why we get this sad threads later on when the man beats the fuck out of them "out the blue".

How anyone can read the OP and think that is normal behaviour! Shows how fucked up some woman are.

Aldisfinest · 11/02/2023 10:09

I wouldn't write him off completely yet. Seems like he was just desperate to impress you.

jellybe · 11/02/2023 10:10

The insisting on paying for lunch and coffees would annoy me but I'd put that down to nerves, and a miss placed idea of chivalry.

However, the switching of the order and insisting you have a cake in the first place and not accepting that you didn't want one would set my red flag o-meter spinning. Especially how insistent he was when you declined, the breaking down of boundaries over small things soon leads to crossing boundaries in big things.

At this point though all you can do is be there for your friend and keep lines of communication open and hope she sees what a twat he is soon.

monsteramunch · 11/02/2023 10:54

Aldisfinest · 11/02/2023 10:09

I wouldn't write him off completely yet. Seems like he was just desperate to impress you.

Taking no for an answer would have been a lot more impressive!

MuffinTahp · 11/02/2023 10:59

I'd text him and tell him you ate the cake but it wasn't st the one you chose, you're highly allergic to the one he swapped it for and now you're in an ambulance, so thanks alot 😂😂

Newusernameaug · 11/02/2023 11:03

Massive red flag!

Schnooze · 11/02/2023 11:04

FebName · 11/02/2023 03:28

I almost get the trying to be over generous to impress his girlfriend's friend.

BUT! Changing your cake order. Because he knows best!!

That's off the scale nuts! Who does that? Controlling narcs, that's who. Fucking weirdo.

Poor friend. Is she living with him yet? Would you be able to text him without him reading?

A PP had a good idea, saying lovely day but wasn't strange he decided to change your cake order? Test the waters.

This

whatwouldAnnaDelveydo · 11/02/2023 11:04

Big red flag. Hope your friend likes not making decisions about her own life. It sounds like he doesn't care about what anyone wants, except him.

Pigtailsandall · 11/02/2023 11:47

Thank you for your replies, it sounds like I'm not alone in thinking this is weird behaviour. To answer a few questions:

I chose a chocolate cake, kind of sachertorte looking thing, he swapped it for an elaborate carrot cake. Cake is no more because DC saw it and shared it with DH this morning. Not that the type of cake makes difference

They don't live together, no. It's still relatively new because they didn't see each other much in the first 6 months.

My friend is quite introverted and hates conflict, so often you don't know what she's thinking until she's done it. We've been friends for 20 years so I feel like we can be honest (although diplomatic). We've gone through shit relationships and always been honest.

They are not staying with us, no.

I looked back at some of the messages and I get the impression he is also a bit of a compulsive shopper/spender. I texted my friend this morning and she is annoyed because they had made plans and he now wants to go to the Imperial War Museum because the weather is no good. Weather is fine, btw, grey but not raining. I said to her that it sounds like he's pretty set on what he wants and she said yes, he can be quite bulldozing at times. So she sees it. Good.

I hope I can get one on one time with her soon. Sadly we are going away this afternoon for half term so yesterday was my only chance to see them/her.

OP posts: