BF got his daughter a gift about our in-joke - AIBU

[Lalaminetti]

BF and I had an early Valentines last night as we can’t be together next week. His DDs birthday is in a couple of weeks’ time. We’ve been dating for several years and since early days have had an in-joke about the way he pronounces a particular animal. Since then, we’ve kept the joke going and often incorporate said animal into little gifts, cards etc on birthdays, Christmas, etc. DD asked at Christmas what the story was behind the joke, so we explained and she chuckled along.
So, my gift from BF was nice - a generic bracelet which is fine, and I thanked him for it, etc. Later he mentioned that he’d also got a gift from same place for DDs birthday and showed me what he’d chosen - a bracelet with a charm of the animal we joke about about together. As soon as I saw it, the phrase, “aw, I would’ve loved that!” slipped out - and now BF is upset and thinks I’m ungrateful and jealous.
I didn’t mean it like that, and I wouldn’t say I’m jealous - but it does feel a little off, somehow, now that I’ve thought about it. AIBU?

That is like something a six year old would say when they see a present being given to their younger sister. Ridiculous and very very childish.

You do sound ungrateful and jealous. I wouldn’t be impressed if my boyfriend went in to a shop and bought me essentially the same present as his daughter. I hate pandora/nomination bracelets though. It all sounds a bit like you are both still teenagers. How old is his daughter?

???

'Generic bracelet ' = gift for an 'Interchangeable Emma '.

Animal charm for daughter? Oh, she smiled when IE mentioned that animal. Slightly more thought, but bugger all really.

After several years together, OP does not feel 'seen ', even on a significant date. Maybe the daughter doesn't, either.

The DD is now in on the joke, and I agree if you were talking about it in front of her it's right that she got the explanation. She would feel very left out otherwise and in a situation where her DF is in a relationship with a woman who is not her mum. That, I think, is right. And I don't think that what the bf did in getting his DD that animal is wrong, it will help her to feel that she is a part of his new relationship not an add on in the wings.

The OP's upset is that after years of getting each other that animal, this year she didn't but his DD did. I don't think that saying she would have liked that too is dreadful. A lot of couples have little in jokes and yes, it may seem childish but I can understand the feeling that maybe now it has become a thing between bf and his DD, and taken away from the OP.

It's not a competition between them, but it would have been nice if he'd carried on their tradition as well as doing it for DD.

I think it’s quite sweet that he got it for his daughter, perhaps it will make her feel more part of the relationship you have with your BF

That makes sense.

Your bf seems a bit thick.

Does he think all females are interchangeable as in girl = pink, or my gf likes x animals and since my DD is also a girl, she'll like said thing too.

Not sure why he had to announce what he got for DD to you right then, several weeks in advance.

I'm gonna be kind here and say you probably was a bit jealous....and that's not necessarily wrong even it was his daughter (yes, shoot me but its what I believe) plus maybe a bit side blind sided too. However......was it really something that personal to you both. It's not like he's using your pet name. This isn't even about 'the time when...' It's about the way he speaks. I'm presuming he speaks with other people and at some stage the mystery animal will arise again and someone else will comment or maybe tease him.
I think youre more put out that you gotva 'grneric bracelet' but she got a gift with a little bit of thought in it. You sound quite impulsive and I'm sure by tomorrow you'll feel differently. It might be an idea in the meantime to make an effort to thank him for your present in a way that makes him believe you liked it. Hopefully you didn't buy him a generic jumper/shirt/aftershave followed by steak dinner and a generic BJ. It's hard to be original. Save that for birthdays.

Thick is a bit harsh.

Sounds to me like he's one of the many hoards of men who flock to Pandora before Valentine's Day, and decided to kill two birds whilst he was there and get his daughter a birthday present (or vice versa).

I think part of the issue is that when you are in a relationship with someone with children, you (rightly) share so many things that you wouldn't have to otherwise (time, attention, money, holidays, special occasions etc), and you come second a lot of the time. I know even in intact families you always have to share those things with other family members, but the dynamic is entirely different, and if you've not been a step parent, I don't think you could really get it.

The things you do have that are private / just for you and your partner, rightly or wrongly, become more precious than they would do normally. I can see why OP is a bit upset.

That said I think the DP, if my own experiences of living with an NRP are anything to go by (I'm assuming here that he may be NRP, OP hasn't said), is in a situation where perhaps he doesn't always get a lot of opportunity to have in-jokes and 'things' with his DD, so he's seen this as a good way to connect with her and buy her a thoughtful gift.

In OP's shoes I'd be mildly upset, but not say anything as I know DH would not have thought it through in the same way I would, and it would have meant a lot to him to be able to buy something thoughtful for his DD.

Gently, if this has stirred feelings of jealousy or competition towards his daughter then you need to have a very good think about the relationship in general. There is zero room for any of that in a healthy step-parent/step-child relationship so if you see this progressing beyond dating at any point into proper commitment, living together, becoming a stepmother etc then you really have to address this now. Or don't get involved at that level. It's just a recipe for disaster all round and especially for this poor little girl.

He hasn't given the bracelet to a work colleague or his ex. He gave it to his daughter. Either it never occurred to him that this would be an issue because you're a grown up, or he actually thought it was a way to bring DD into your relationship a little bit and have something that was shared between the 3 of you to help you all bond as a unit.

And yes the comment that "I'd have loved that" was rude when he had already bought you a gift. Ditto your description of it as "generic" which is precisely what almost all bracelets are and is only something you're mentioning because you're making a comparison between your gift and his daughter's. You don't need to compare yourself to her, in any way. You aren't in competition with her. She will always be his absolute priority, which is exactly as it should be. So if you start down the road of competing with her then you'll always feel you're losing. It's not a healthy way to approach the relationship.

I bet we are talking about a Pandora charm in this thread.

Frankly, unless you made a fuss about wanting the gift of his DD and say something negative about what he got you, I think he is being a bit oversensitive.

His reaction to your whoopsy comment is a bit over the top (thinking you are jealous) although I can see why he may think you came across as a little ungrateful in that moment. I’d wonder how much effort he put into both gifts to be honest, as ‘nice’ as they are. Does his daughter actually like the animal in question? Would it be weird for you to get her a small gift incorporated with the animal as well? The joke and/or her part in it may fizzle out now.

The joke and/or her part in it may fizzle out now.
It does sound as though it's been milked dry at this point, tbh.
He's not a little kid who can't learn to pronounce things the way everyone else does, either. Does he think he sounds cute?

YANBU - DP and I also have "an animal" and I have always been clear that this animal is nothing to do with DSD, it's ours!

DP and DSD have a a character and an animal that they both have a love for and I have no interest in it, that's their "thing".

YANBU - DP and I also have "an animal" and I have always been clear that this animal is nothing to do with DSD, it's ours!
Oh dear God...

I honestly don’t think I’d give it much thought. If it had been your pronunciation of the animal that turned it into a running joke then I’d be miffed but as it was his then it wouldn’t bother me he gave the charm to his daughter. He probably thought it was more in keeping with his daughter’s age? (Although I have a charm bracelet as an adult but don’t wear anymore).

Ohh for goodness sake he is a man and I can guarantee he never thought any further than these look good for yous. No point reading into it and making it into something big when it doesn't need to be.

Omg threads like this remind me how blessed I am to be single

Whats the animal? If its a sloth or a llama or a flamingo then you are being utterly ridiculous as these are the "trendy" animals of today. If its something like a Bison then yeah you might have a point but still you were so rude.

Where is up

Honestly, I’d just love to have the energy to deal with something so pathetic tbh.

Clearly you do given you had the energy to post that

I think your bf is miffed because he knows he was clumsy. I guess he was relieved he thought of a personal gift for his daughter, and actually didn’t even think of how you would feel. He could have bought you the personalised gift, or even have bought the same for both of you. He knows he didn’t handle it well so he’s targeting you, instead of owning up.

People actually live like this?