BF got his daughter a gift about our in-joke - AIBU

[Lalaminetti]

BF and I had an early Valentines last night as we can’t be together next week. His DDs birthday is in a couple of weeks’ time. We’ve been dating for several years and since early days have had an in-joke about the way he pronounces a particular animal. Since then, we’ve kept the joke going and often incorporate said animal into little gifts, cards etc on birthdays, Christmas, etc. DD asked at Christmas what the story was behind the joke, so we explained and she chuckled along.
So, my gift from BF was nice - a generic bracelet which is fine, and I thanked him for it, etc. Later he mentioned that he’d also got a gift from same place for DDs birthday and showed me what he’d chosen - a bracelet with a charm of the animal we joke about about together. As soon as I saw it, the phrase, “aw, I would’ve loved that!” slipped out - and now BF is upset and thinks I’m ungrateful and jealous.
I didn’t mean it like that, and I wouldn’t say I’m jealous - but it does feel a little off, somehow, now that I’ve thought about it. AIBU?

grow up, you are acting like a baby.

You are not ungrateful or jealous. However you are dating a man who is thoughtless and somehow blames you for it.

Your injoke is no longer yours and his so let it go.

I don't think it's a problem that he got that for his daughter but equally I don't see anything wrong with your comment and think he (and several others on this thread) have massively overreacted to it.

I what way was he thoughtless? The thoughtfully bought op a gift and he thoughtfully bought his dd a gift. That is not thoughtless in my eyes.

The whole thing is just a joke. And his daughter is part of the joke. Why are you acting like the child? You both got a present.

This is what I thought when reading it too.

OP you have been dating this guy for "several years" are their ongoing undertones of you being jealous of not being his priority, or of things he does for his dd? Can't see why he would have reacted saying you were jealous if there wasn't.

It all sounds very childish tbh.

I feel like you’re maybe more upset that your bracelet has no meaning whereas the one your partner got his DD has a meaning that was between you and your partner. If he had have got you one with different meaning behind it you probably wouldn’t have minded so much?

If he felt the animal bracelet was too childish for you he should say that but sometimes I think men don’t understand the reason they didn’t pick something, like he wasn’t consciously thinking “that’s childish” he just thought “that’s not for my partner”

He could have bought matching then it would have been everyone’s “thing” but again he probably thought you wouldn’t like that. There are no winners here 🤷‍♀️

The comment itself wasn't awful, the timing was.

I also think that it's strange that something you've jocked about for years, has been bought for his DD, who he's only just told. Be wary of being accused of jealousy when you show your feelings. It is usually said when a relationship is petering out. He obviously hasn't seen it as your thing, or is starting to convince himself of that. I've seen this stuff happen when things are coming to an end in one person's mind. What did you get him?

I think you need to check yourself here OP. You are not in competition with his DD, it's a separate relationship and his DDs birthday is more important to him than your valentines present.

rubbish. It is fine to have an in-joke and if these presents have been A Thing between OP and her BF of course she's going to be a bit surprised if The Thing is incorporated (as a shared in-joke) with his DD but not OP. I'd be surprised too and a similar comment would probably slip out.

BF is the one overreacting here. (FWIW i like bracelets, I'm always hinting that I'd like a nice diamond/emerald one. The reason, apparently, i never get one is "blood diamonds" nice catch, DH)

@Lalaminetti I would have felt the same. The animal charm should have been on your bracelet because that was a lovely dovey private joke between you both and it had special meaning. My DH and I have a special animal too.

He was being lazy. He thought that by telling his DD that one time what your in joke was, he could slap on the charm and it would be meaningful suddenly with her and make him look better.

You are not ungrateful. You just have higher expectations and that is perfectly ok! I don't agree you are jealous. You just have standards and expect to be treated as though you are cared for and special and his shitty pandora bracelet was generic and not something he bought with you in his mind.

Do NOT let him gaslight you or tell you how to feel. Otherwise every time there is conflict he will twist it into you being jealous or nasty to his DD when you probably go out of your way to be anything but!

All sounds a bit weird and I think you’re both being overdramatic.

Huh! Exactly how I felt when my DH got me a toothbrush steriliser for Christmas two years ago. It's still in its box. Give me a 'generic' bracelet any day! (But he hasn't made that mistake again 😂)

On the surface it isn't a big deal. But the fact he brought his DD this particular animal BECAUSE of your in joke does seem a little off and pretty thoughtless.

It was your in-joke for years. Something between just the 2 of you. It was your thing. No issues with dd knowing about it, but he is now including her IN it. I can see how that would take the shine off something that was once just between the 2 of you. It takes away the 'specialness'. I know that sounds corny, but I'd be a little hurt too I think OP. It makes no difference who the third person is, they didn't need to be so included in something that for years has been a special joke between just you two.

I can see where your disappointment is coming from. It's not about the bracelet is it. There was a joke that only the two of you shared, so it was special, and he has included someone else into the special joke.
Don't dwell on it. Take this as a natural point to move on from that joke and change the theme of your gifts/cards. You've been together a few years now, there must be other things you share that are special to just the two of you?

Thing is... now it's not your in-joke anymore. It's for everyone and he did that by buying the bracelet.
He fucked up and now he says you are jealous? What a funny guy:(

I can see why this irked you but I think you’re quite lucky to be getting jewellery for Valentine’s.

I don't think yabu, maybe he got the gifts mixed up and couldn't back down.

I get it OP. I would do the same... showing appreciation, unguarded, for something that you like. The reflection is something different though.

Your DP putting in a little extra effort for her gift? I like that. IMO that's the right way round.

After he shared the joke with her, she's included. Tbh it doesn't sound like a particularly meaningful one so it's nice to make it a family thing, no?

Also it sounds like you opened presents at xmas relating to a private joke in front of her & laughed about them. Your DH rightly explained & included her. It would have been shit to do otherwise.

You both got bracelets.

She probably also likes that animal.

Get a grip and stop competing with a child.

If I ever receive a generic bracelet, I'll pm you and we can swap? 😁

By giving it to DD he may be subtly hinting that you little in joke about bunnies or whatever is getting quite childish 🐰