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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

BF got his daughter a gift about our in-joke - AIBU

124 replies

Lalaminetti · 09/02/2023 09:00

BF and I had an early Valentines last night as we can’t be together next week. His DDs birthday is in a couple of weeks’ time. We’ve been dating for several years and since early days have had an in-joke about the way he pronounces a particular animal. Since then, we’ve kept the joke going and often incorporate said animal into little gifts, cards etc on birthdays, Christmas, etc. DD asked at Christmas what the story was behind the joke, so we explained and she chuckled along.
So, my gift from BF was nice - a generic bracelet which is fine, and I thanked him for it, etc. Later he mentioned that he’d also got a gift from same place for DDs birthday and showed me what he’d chosen - a bracelet with a charm of the animal we joke about about together. As soon as I saw it, the phrase, “aw, I would’ve loved that!” slipped out - and now BF is upset and thinks I’m ungrateful and jealous.
I didn’t mean it like that, and I wouldn’t say I’m jealous - but it does feel a little off, somehow, now that I’ve thought about it. AIBU?

OP posts:
AllOfThemWitches · 09/02/2023 10:38

(I think I've latched onto the whole 'generic bracelet' thing precisely because OP described it as such. If it was her thing, I feel like she might have said it was 'lovely' or 'pretty' rather than 'generic.')

WilsonMilson · 09/02/2023 10:41

Sorry, I think you sound ridiculous and like a teenager. Not sure I’d thank my DH for a charm of an animal, because I’m a grown up, but even if it was an in joke in your relationship it seems strange to get jealous of his gift to his daughter.

It’s an animal charm ffs. Let it go.

Auldandknackered · 09/02/2023 10:44

Nothing slips out. Not unless you’ve additional needs you’re not revealing. So yes jealous totally.

id give my head a wobble, really. Jealous over a gift to his kid and the joke is just for you both. Not ok op.

Bookworm20 · 09/02/2023 10:44

ScribblingPixie · 09/02/2023 10:31

After he shared the joke with her, she's included. Tbh it doesn't sound like a particularly meaningful one so it's nice to make it a family thing, no?

But you don't have to include everyone in something personal just because they are aware of what it is. And it is obviously very meaningful to OP.

Me and DP have little 'in' things. If the Dc asked, i'd just explain the background context. Like OP and her dh did.

I wouldn't however then go out and buy the DC a gift specific to that 'in' thing between myself and my partner!

JupiterFortified · 09/02/2023 10:47

Brefugee · 09/02/2023 10:15

I think you need to check yourself here OP. You are not in competition with his DD, it's a separate relationship and his DDs birthday is more important to him than your valentines present.

rubbish. It is fine to have an in-joke and if these presents have been A Thing between OP and her BF of course she's going to be a bit surprised if The Thing is incorporated (as a shared in-joke) with his DD but not OP. I'd be surprised too and a similar comment would probably slip out.

BF is the one overreacting here. (FWIW i like bracelets, I'm always hinting that I'd like a nice diamond/emerald one. The reason, apparently, i never get one is "blood diamonds" Grin nice catch, DH)

I agree.

Lozois99 · 09/02/2023 10:58

grow up

AlwaysLatte · 09/02/2023 10:59

My guess is that he had originally got it for you to go on your bracelet and then panicked that he didn't get enough for his daughter so gave it to her.

shrunkenhead · 09/02/2023 11:04

I think you need to grow up, OP. It sounds like you're jealous of his daughter!
Maybe get a new "in" joke, if it bothers you so much, think this one has had its day.

aSofaNearYou · 09/02/2023 11:06

Auldandknackered · 09/02/2023 10:44

Nothing slips out. Not unless you’ve additional needs you’re not revealing. So yes jealous totally.

id give my head a wobble, really. Jealous over a gift to his kid and the joke is just for you both. Not ok op.

Rubbish. It's very easy to say something without really thinking through how it would be perceived by the other person, additional needs are not necessary.

Also I think people need to realise there's a difference between being a bit envious, and being bitterly jealous. It's ok to see something you like and remark that you'd like that. People do it all the time, it really doesn't mean there's some deep seated jealousy there, it just means "I'm seeing a thing I like and wishing I had it". The only problem is it didn't occur to her in the moment that he'd just given her a gift so it might come across like she didn't like what he DID give her.

In OPs case it sounds like she only really thought about the possibility of it being an odd thing to do after he accused her of being jealous, which I think is fair enough.

Scout2016 · 09/02/2023 11:12

The thing is, whatever the joke is, it means a lot to OP and I would guess a lot less to his daughter.
This isn't great but is the best analogy I can think of -
If my DH gave me a plain tshirt as a gift, then showed me he'd bought a tshirt of my very favourite band for someone else who had only ever heard a couple of their songs and wasn't actually much of a fan, I would be a bit perplexed.

Aside from that, is the bracelet for valentines? I would think giving gf and dd basically same valentines gift from same shop a bit odd.

LookItsMeAgain · 09/02/2023 11:14

Are you able to buy and get the charm (and other charms too) fitted to the bracelet he gave you?

If you are, do that. Improve on the 'generic' bracelet that he gave you by adding to it yourself.

As for the 'in' joke that you had, as soon as you shared that joke with anyone else, it stopped being something that just you two had.

SpaceshiptoMars · 09/02/2023 11:20

No, you're not being unreasonable, OP. When your BF/DP/DH has children, there is this notion that you exist to serve them all in a 'perfect ' way that never applies to mothers. Your needs are supposedly nonexistent, your labour free, your time and money all donated to the 'family' pot. If your feelings are making themselves known, listen to them. What are they telling you?

DrManhattan · 09/02/2023 11:22

Jealous over his kid? Oh dear. Someone needs to grow up a bit

Theunamedcat · 09/02/2023 11:23

You said "would have" past tense so I would have taken it as if I was your daughters she that's exactly what I would have liked where is everyone getting the whole jealousy thing from? or competition with his daughter from? And how does he get to overreact like that and not be a grown up? Seriously grown ups don't fall out over one sentence unless its "I've cheated on you" etc saying I would have loved that is not a negative thing at all it can require a laugh a well next time I will know or something along those lines

His response to an off the cuff remark seems wrong I would be guarded in future

Spiderboy · 09/02/2023 11:25

You shared the joke with her! It made her laugh. Why can’t it be between the three of you? She’s just a child fgs. You come across as bratty and competitive with her. I’d expect this kind of reaction a child. Really odd

Whatwouldnanado · 09/02/2023 11:26

Lovely that he wants to include dd and make it a family thing. Buy him a keyring with the same animal.

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 09/02/2023 11:28

@SpaceshiptoMars · Today 11:20
No, you're not being unreasonable, OP. When your BF/DP/DH has children, there is this notion that you exist to serve them all in a 'perfect ' way that never applies to mothers. Your needs are supposedly nonexistent, your labour free, your time and money all donated to the 'family' pot. If your feelings are making themselves known, listen to them. What are they telling you?

Completely agree with this

Spiderboy · 09/02/2023 11:28

If you don’t want your “inside joke” shared, then don’t joke about it infront of others, it’s exclusionary. However you did, so she nicely asked and then laughed at your joke. She sounds sweet. She’s now “in” on the joke. You’re being spiteful.

Calphurnia88 · 09/02/2023 11:30

You had an in-joke, you told DD the joke, now she's part of the in-joke.

This is the reality of dating someone with children.

Genevieva · 09/02/2023 11:30

Maybe he thought animal themed jewellery was more child-like.

Thesaucysalad · 09/02/2023 11:31

YANBU but this is also why Id never date a man with a daughter, I couldn’t cope knowing he’ll always be her number 1 😂

aSofaNearYou · 09/02/2023 11:32

There are a lot of people on this thread that would clearly be as shitty in a relationship as OPs DP (or perhaps they are just defensive because it happens to include a DSC).

Accusing people of jealousy, being bratty, childish etc, for something as minor as exclaiming "oo I'd have loved that" is really excessive, unforgiving, generally crappy behaviour. You need to be able partners having tiny flashes of less than perfect emotions without immediately jumping to something that harsh.

Calphurnia88 · 09/02/2023 11:32

SpaceshiptoMars · 09/02/2023 11:20

No, you're not being unreasonable, OP. When your BF/DP/DH has children, there is this notion that you exist to serve them all in a 'perfect ' way that never applies to mothers. Your needs are supposedly nonexistent, your labour free, your time and money all donated to the 'family' pot. If your feelings are making themselves known, listen to them. What are they telling you?

We're all still talking about OP's partner mispronouncing an animal name, right?

Just checking I hadn't missed something.

Magentax · 09/02/2023 11:39

Calphurnia88 · 09/02/2023 11:32

We're all still talking about OP's partner mispronouncing an animal name, right?

Just checking I hadn't missed something.

Show quote history

😂

DrManhattan · 09/02/2023 11:40

@Thesaucysalad 100% agree

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