Baby classes and groups - is it just me?!

[Janedoelondon]

Hi mumsnetters,

My second post today as got such helpful responses from my last one.

I have a 5 month old baby boy, who I adore. We have (it feels like!), toured the whole of the local area trying to find a baby group (massage, sensory, etc) which suits us but I am really struggling.

It might just be my experience but I am finding the groups very cliquey, and quite isolating, lonely and a little judgemental. A lot of the women already know each other, and any conversation I do have is also very limited to babies and it is hard to move away from this (perhaps not surprising, I might need to recalibrate my expectations!).

I have often come away from the groups quite upset, I can’t explain why, they just make me feel very lonely, I guess because I don’t feel I fit in.

I also question how valuable they are to my little one vs activities we can do for free. We go for long walks along the river/in local common and parks (we live near London so luckily are lots nearby!), and I always try and play and read to my little boy each day too. We also listen to audiobooks.

Is it just me?

So cliquey. Really pissed me off when they sat there talking about how lonely being a first time mum can be and all that stuff and I wanted to say but you've never even tried to talk to me!! If we come over to the tray, you bugger off.

Thinking about people saying they had nothing in common with the mums there... is that a bad thing? I've got nothing in common with my mum group friends, we're a bit of a ragtag bunch really... but that's what makes it so fun! I suppose what I'm saying is that I've found it a great way to make friends with people who's paths I'd probably never cross with otherwise.

I personally find the desperation of some of the mums quite tragic. I had my first son just before lockdown and enjoyed the year off with him doing things for and with him; if that’s the objective who cares who else is at the baby groups?

I had a mum recently hounding me over a party invite for her 3 year old because she’d just moved to the area… clearly the birthday party wasn’t for her child, but for her. I’d never met her before our children just attend the same care setting… I get the sense these mums are the groups are the same.

Is your life busy enough in other areas?

I am on maternity leave with my baby... we spend every day together and at weekends it is the two of us and my lovely husband.

Please don't imply my life is empty or lacking in some way. You don't know anything about me, my gripe was with the baby groups, I didn't expect my life and how I spend my time to be analysed...

@TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl @Dazedandconfused170 - An interesting perspective, had not thought of it this way at all! Thank you!

I enjoy the groups at the children’s centre. Free and not cliquey. Haven’t made a ton of friends but I’m not seeking that out, just want a bit of socialisation and experience for baby.

Most of the women at the groups will also be on maternity leave, hence the baby talk. I haven’t implied anything, I asked a question.

You don’t appear to have a gripe with the provisions of the groups but instead with making friends at groups - groups are a chance to socialise (benefit for the mum) and help entertain the baby, and also get a routine/ break up the day.

If it’s providing the above then your expectations are too high.
Maybe think about the things you want to talk about at the baby groups instead and find activities that are relevant to that and you’ll be more successful

YANBU, I remember when mine were small and how daunting it could feel!
It's just a case of finding a group you feel "at home" in.
Some I found cliquey and left, others were fine.
At the end of the day I didn't usually care though, if I d a newspaper and a cup of tea I was happy lol😁
Even if you don't find somewhere you feel comfortable, whether it be baby group/toddler gym classes etc they're not the be all and end all.
Get out and about for walks in the fresh air

I think it's quite normal for conversation with someone you've just met to be about the topic of the event you're at? If you went to a gig and were making small talk with a stranger, it would be about the gig wouldn't it? So I think you should give people a chance before writing them off because they talk about babies. When I've met people at baby groups we talk about the babies, and I ask them questions about where they live, what they do for work etc go keep the conversation going.

Hello,

I have a 5 month little boy and am.wondering how many classes are appropriate to attend with him? We do 3 different ones a week 2 with me and one with his Dad.
Not sure if this is to many? We don't really talk to anyone but he seems to enjoy looking at the other babies, I'm a first time mum and never really feel like I know what I'm doing!

We also play,read and obviously cuddle every day.

Any idea how many classes are good for babs to attend without overwhelming?

Many thanks in advance.

I tried a few baby groups back in the day and just got ignored. A lot of the mums who attended knew each other already - they had been friends prior to having babies, maybe this was their second or third baby, so they just chatted to each other and didn’t want to meet anyone new. It was awful being ignored and excluded, like being back at school! So after a few attempts I just gave up and didn’t attend any more. But I find it dreadful that these groups are supposedly to support mums, and when mums (who really need support) attend they just get blanked.

Now my DS is at primary school and unfortunately it’s still the same. Mums meet up for play dates with other mums who they already know and they don’t want to make any new friends. At the park their kids play together while the mums chat, and I try to say hello but they aren’t interested. What’s worse is that their kids also don’t want to make any new friends. At the park recently not only did the mums reject my attempts to be friendly, but when my DS tried to play with the kids they said “we don’t want to play with you, stop following us”.

Be brave & make the first move - invite whoever you’re sitting next to for coffee afterwards. The worst that can happen is they’re busy but generally babies need feeding after a class so a coffee shop if as good a place as any. I’ve spent a lot of money on coffee during mat leave & had the same conversations over & over- I think the baby talk is standard, our lives all revolve around the babies. Good luck!

I’ve had 3 babies and never went to baby groups. They are hell on Earth IMO.

I managed with walks, shopping, playing at home, parks, meeting up with friends family etc etc. My DC are more than fine.

Toddler groups are more tolerable, wait till they are a little older and try again maybe.

I went to a number of groups but for the experience with my son. Didn’t make any friends - other than being befriended by some local mums through a whatsapp group, not the baby groups - but enjoyed seeing my son learning and experiencing new things

If they’re on different days, I’d say 3 is fine. One a day is ok. If it looks like he’s enjoying himself, that’s all the information and feedback you need. Babies are quite forthcoming when they don’t like something 😂 @5monthmama

We found NCT just awful, and sacked it off after the first session. I went to lots of baby groups and enjoyed them and focussed on having that lovely bonding time with my son, but didn’t really move past the chatting-about-babies stage with the other mums.

Then I met one of my best friends at baby massage - our sons are 7 now and she’s become a hugely special person to me.

But the best place to meet other mums has been the school run. I’ve met the most fabulous group of women, all with lovely kids, and we get on really well. And so do all the dads! I feel like I’ve met my people, and love it when we go out as a massive group (12 adults and 10 kids!) watching the kids and the siblings growing up together.

So I suppose what I’m saying is, you’ll meet your people eventually, it just takes a bit longer for some of us!

Oh op that’s exactly how I used to feel! They were somehow soul destroying for me! Just..as you say lonely and somehow unfriendly. Especially more in the middle class areas. I guess because all the mums had met at nct classes and knew each other already

Have you tried council run groups or church groups - they tend to be welcoming and very cheap. My LO is 15 months, I have made some mum friends but TBH it took time and I find mostly at groups I do just talk baby stuff. Or I just don’t talk and appreciate my LO enjoying themselves. I’ve gone to so many groups, I don’t think most are cliquey, people are just busy and doing their own thing, if you want to make friends then it’s on you to intro and be friendly.