Baby classes and groups - is it just me?!

[Janedoelondon]

Hi mumsnetters,

My second post today as got such helpful responses from my last one.

I have a 5 month old baby boy, who I adore. We have (it feels like!), toured the whole of the local area trying to find a baby group (massage, sensory, etc) which suits us but I am really struggling.

It might just be my experience but I am finding the groups very cliquey, and quite isolating, lonely and a little judgemental. A lot of the women already know each other, and any conversation I do have is also very limited to babies and it is hard to move away from this (perhaps not surprising, I might need to recalibrate my expectations!).

I have often come away from the groups quite upset, I can’t explain why, they just make me feel very lonely, I guess because I don’t feel I fit in.

I also question how valuable they are to my little one vs activities we can do for free. We go for long walks along the river/in local common and parks (we live near London so luckily are lots nearby!), and I always try and play and read to my little boy each day too. We also listen to audiobooks.

Is it just me?

How do you find out in the 90 minutes or so, less baby distractions, of your one and only meeting?

They are really for the parents to get you out and not be isolated. Your baby will be fine if you don't attend.

I didn't really enjoy them as I'd nothing in common with the other women than a baby do I stopped going and had lunch with my mum or sister instead.

I really hated baby groups and after feeling like you I stopped bothering with them. I eventually braved a toddler group when DC was 18 months and that was more bearable because by that age the children are interacting so it wasn’t as boring or cringey. We added another one in after he turned 2 so that we had somewhere to go on two mornings each week if we wanted to, but if we didn’t fancy it we didn’t go. We were quite happy pottering around at home, having a friend over sometimes and going on walks and to the park.

I actually don’t care about the cliques one bit of it’s something my son enjoys- it’s no skin off my nose to watch him have a lovely time at a playgroup while I relax in peace with a coffee 🤣

But it’s easier to say that when you’re out of the baby stage.

I think you do need to go a few times to get to know people. I always found church playgroups quite friendly. I never really did meet true friends through baby groups but did once dc started school. There is hope yet!

@jannier and a couple of other posters -

I have attended some groups for several weeks and still feel they aren't for me.

I have really tried hard to make conversation but any attempts to move the conversation away from babies to other parts of life is very challenging and often unsuccessful, and always goes back to babies as default. Maybe I need to give it more time as you say, but there are only so many times I can have the same conversations...

I’ve just started baby classes again after a six year break and I totally understand where you’re coming from. It seems they are all connected/related in some way or know each other through work or other groups. I’m not great at small talk anyway so I’d happily leave them but my baby absolutely loves seeing other little ones (she’s 10mths). I’m talking eyes lighting up, feet waggling with excitement so I’m persevering. It takes a lot of mental energy for me to walk through the doors each week, but it does get easier. Can you offer to help set-up/ clear-up, bring snacks and maybe have one to one chat with someone to break the ice? I hope you find something that suits you, I always tell myself that there must be at least one other mum that feels like I do. Good mum friends are worth their weight in gold, for my older childrenI didn’t really make them until nursery and school, it will happen. Don’t let it make you feel you don’t fit it, you sound like a lovely mum.

I think what @Luredbyapomegranate means is that babies don’t need organised activities, the groups are more to provide a social outlet for parents. So if you’re not enjoying them don’t go.

It took me a few tries to find groups I clicked with, but I made some lovely long-lasting friends at baby groups. Maybe your expectations are too high initially - I think it’s natural that conversation centres around the babies at first, until you get to know people better.

This comes up a lot on here.

With these things the onus is kind of on new people to make the effort.

If your aim is to make friends, there’s probably better ways. There are dating-like apps for mums now to make friends.

I loved the baby groups and making friends there, but the content was, more often than not, a load of wank. A baby sitting in a paddling pool filled with tinned spaghetti. Grim 🤣

Oh yes this makes far more sense! Silly me for misreading. Apologies, @Luredbyapomegranate!!

My first class was when my baby was 4 months old as lockdown had just lifted. It was very cliquey, even though we were spaced out around the edge of the hall. During the free play 'tummy time' bit, the mum I was next to (I was on the end) actually turned her back to me to chat to the mums next to her as they knew each other. I was on my own and no one even smiled at me. I hate it when people behave like that, why is it so hard to be normal and civil to others?

Anyway, I tried loads of baby and toddler groups over the space of a year and found sitting in over heated church hall and community centres with old scruffy toys insufferably dull - no one was particularly friendly and I quite happily decided the fresh air and doing our own thing was much preferable!

I do love Tumble Tots though as my little boy just lights up and its a lot of fun!

Blimey- you're a charmer.

I took both of mine to baby sensory which was a nice way to interact with them out of the house, but yes the people there were horrible and unfriendly.

There’s very little benefit to the baby from them, so if you don’t like them, don’t go.

With my first I went to quite a few baby groups.

I got along really well with the other mums whilst at the groups, but we didn't socialise or speak outside of the actual sessions.

With my second, I've just taken my two girls to the library and park. It's easier to manage them when there aren't loads of other people around watching me lol.

Peanut is really good for making mum friends, but you have to make the effort.

I've found someone who lives literally 2 mins walk away from me, I've probably walked passed her house 100 times! We're meeting for the first time next week with our little ones.

I’m a nanny too so regularly take my baby charge to different groups in a fairly posh area. I don’t have skin in the game at these as I’m not trying to make friends so I’m always super welcoming to newcomers and have no truck for cliques! No one seems to want to be friends with a nanny even though I’m a mum too 🤣

I think if you go with the expectation of making friends then that’s something that takes a long time, to be honest. I’ve been going to a toddler group since September and only just arranged tentatively to do something with some mums.

However, if you go with the view that it’s something nice for the baby then it’s worth it. I know everyone always says babies don’t get anything out of them but mine enjoyed the classes we went to. I’m sure he’d have been fine without, like people say, they aren’t mandatory!

I’ve had more luck on the peanut app and setting up a local buggy walk and talk group. It’s hard to chat in baby classes anyway.

I never went to them - didn't think they sounded like my kind of thing - DS and I appear to be unscathed. You don't have to go if you don't want to!

Absolutely similar experience here when DCs were small. You’re not necessarily going to have anything in face-value common with people but never underestimate what even something like a shared attitude towards challenges of parenting can mean for a friendship. I still have two solid friends from those days who I have little surface in common with and actually as adults we like to spend our time doing different things. But when it comes to hanging out with the kids (now primary age), it works so well because we have similar parenting styles.
As for talking to people, you need to put it out there. “What a gorgeous baby! How old?” works for me.
TLDR: you never know who you might meet, say hello to people.

I met a couple of nice people baby swimming. It wasnt very cliquey and for some reason more dads went as well which changed the vibe a bit and made it (in my opinion) a bit more balanced.

Could you do something more for mums like buggy fitness

Have you tried the musical ones OP? I loved those. But if they stress you out find other ways for your baby to be around other babies, and read and sing and play at home, with friends and relatives. Pointless going if they make you miserable.

I've found the exact same thing with most baby classes. Really hard to talk to anyone and it all feels really awkward and cliquey. I've often walked away feeling really down afterwards. I'm very grateful for the Peanut app - had much more success on there and have joined a few mums meet up groups, etc. I think I would be finding motherhood really isolating otherwise.

Really hit and miss for me.

Some I loved but more because the leader was fun, inclusive and the other mums would chat, be friendly - no attempt to make buddies outside of the class.

Baby sensory was the worst, refused to go with second, cried on the way to and from most sessions due to the bunch of women and their cliqueness.

Swimming was good - too busy to notice the cliques!

Tried a new class and the comments from another mum meant I didn't go back - it was a phonics thing, I took my youngest and she was quite put out that others would bring children of a different age (within the classes age suitability) as she wanted her child to learn to read! They were 3ish at the time!

I totally get you, I hated them. On reflection, I think I was kind of expecting to make friends there - the way you hear about groups of mums meeting up and going for coffees etc. so it made me feel kind of disappointed when this wasn’t the reality. Also, like you when I would talk to people I realised that there’s nothing in common except a baby of a similar age! I found most of them were where mums who were already friends met up together and went along. I guess I thought it would be a bit more open to new friends. I stopped going after not too long