Baby classes and groups - is it just me?!

[Janedoelondon]

Hi mumsnetters,

My second post today as got such helpful responses from my last one.

I have a 5 month old baby boy, who I adore. We have (it feels like!), toured the whole of the local area trying to find a baby group (massage, sensory, etc) which suits us but I am really struggling.

It might just be my experience but I am finding the groups very cliquey, and quite isolating, lonely and a little judgemental. A lot of the women already know each other, and any conversation I do have is also very limited to babies and it is hard to move away from this (perhaps not surprising, I might need to recalibrate my expectations!).

I have often come away from the groups quite upset, I can’t explain why, they just make me feel very lonely, I guess because I don’t feel I fit in.

I also question how valuable they are to my little one vs activities we can do for free. We go for long walks along the river/in local common and parks (we live near London so luckily are lots nearby!), and I always try and play and read to my little boy each day too. We also listen to audiobooks.

Is it just me?

This is a really common feeling, @Janedoelondon Are you willing to share which part of London you are in? Some of us might be able to recommend groups we've been to that are friendlier than others!

Not sure if anyone has mentioned above, but i heard that some franchises have deals with eg. antenatal groups, so people go already knowing each other. It's a bit harder to break in if you are there on your own.

Like pp have mentioned above, i found that swimming was the friendliest one. Probably because when you are all splashing around with a squirming baby, it breaks down the ice!

Urgh, hated them. Ended up not sticking with any except the 6 week baby massage. But didn’t stay in touch with anyone.

My best friend and I had babies 9 days apart both girls so both on maternity at the same time so was lovely doing all the groups with her it was both our 3rd babies with two much older boys so didn’t really feel the clique .
however me moved due to DH job when’s he was 2 and I had 6 months of what you describe but I carried on as DD loved it I met my other best friend and now our kids are teens so keep at it even if it’s just for routine

I’ve been to loads with my two kids due to moving several times and found them to be hit or miss. The last one I went to with my youngest was the worst - everyone knew each other and nobody seemed interested in chatting. I don’t know why I persevered for about 8 months as always left feeling sad. I actually went to the same group with my oldest and liked it as the people then were friendly so I guess it all depends on the people.

I attended loads of baby groups when on mat leave, but did it more to have that experience with my baby rather than make friends. I would make small talk with the person next to me if they reciprocated it, but I never went with the intention of making mum friends. So it is possible to go and enjoy them with your child by changing your expectations.

I used to leave the one group I went to feeling more lonely than I had than when I was sat at home . Groups peeled off together. Some people clearly not wanting to chat . It felt exhausting knowing what to say / do. I just chased babies around and thought - I’d rather do this somewhere else than in a group of people I’m suppose to be chatting away with yet can’t find a word to say .
Might just be me but these groups made me feel really sad and alone .

This is exactly how I feel. I have come away from a few groups now crying on the way home. I feel more lonely after a group than I do enjoying my own company with my little boy.

I have actually found them pretty boring. Same conversation every time, age, teething, sleep, weaning, repeat. And yes, some mum's can be very insular. I've stopped going and now only bring baby to a playgroup in the nursery she's starting next month so she is used to being around other babies.

Oh god, absolutely the same! But I find that lots of people I talk to think the same - so who are these people who are cliquey and enjoying it?? Or does everyone feel the same but it just looks different looking from the outside?

I went to one for 2, 8 week blocks. I absolutely knew it wouldn’t be for me, I tried it and I hated it. I did always wonder why I didn’t have any ‘mum’ friends, I had a friend that had a baby a similar time to me so was lucky. But again it was the whole having something In common with them. I didn’t want to talk about their babies. Fast forward 4 years I have a confident and social little one and it has done her no harm at all not rolling around a village hall floor on a Thursday morning

I dont know what area in London you are in, but i am in north of London and I love the baby activities. I dont go with intention for myself but more for my baby and for her to get stimulated by other babies and also to get out of the house so the day doesnt feel so long.
I met many lovely mom friends from the baby activities.

I've tried out a few over the years, and only stuck with one rather small group (for years in the end).

The volunteers were lovely, and the parents/grandparents were too - a mix of well off, low income and in between. Yes some had closer friendships between themselves, but all would say hello and chat to you.

DS2 is autistic, and no one cared when he played "differently". On one occasion he started to stroke the legs of a very hairy, shorts wearing dad who just chuckled and told me not to worry about it.

I've been to lots of different classes, from paid to free ones. I've made some great friends at one particular class, I got chatting to a few mums, took their numbers, created a WhatsApp group and months later we have grown very close. Other classes I go to I know that I'm not going to have that same experience but I just accept them for what they are. Some of the classes are more for me than my baby and other classes are more for him than for me.

Don't go to them if they make you feel awful but I've made better Mum friends from some of those classes than I have from my NCT class. Also the attendees always change as people leave/go back to work etc so it won't always be the same people. Maybe try again in a month's time?

I know exactly what you mean. I remember leaving some feeling very lonely. I persevered and now I sometimes meet people who remember me from the groups and our kids are all 8 years old and I don't really remember them...its a strange one.
Being a parent of a young baby can sometimes feel so so lonely, those 4am feeds all alone, I remember never feeling like it and the house full of family.
But if it makes any sense and if it helps it does pass and you will find your stride.

I have a friend and we both had kids at the same time. So I did a few groups with her.

She's absolutely shameless and has zero fear of rejection, after every class - she just asks - does anyone want to go for a coffee at X place just round the corner. If she strikes up a conversation with anyone she just directly asks - can I have your number, we should meet up.

She has more friends than anyone I know now.

What I'm saying is - everyone just wants to fit in, everyone is scared of looking silly, being rejected, not accepted etc So they sit there quiet, maybe just smiling and saying hello - like it's someone elses job to rescue them and make conversation with them.

Lose that fear - put yourself out there, accept that it might take a few tries, and accept some people will reject you, turn you down, eye roll to their mate, snigger, make a snide remark - but most of the time no one will do that - the worst you'll get is some polite excuses. But there will also be someone else who feels exactly like you and will seize the opportunity to make a new friend.

OP, I could have written your post a year ago. I detested the baby groups, found them so cliquey and judgey and then really worried if I wasn't going to them if baby would miss out and also if I was suddenly going to be the odd mum out at the school gates etc!!

DD is 15 months, super social and no issues.

I'm not pushing or suggesting this - I'm not actually at all religious! But I started taking her to the Sunday school group instead, as it's free and the people are delighted to see newcomers, so super friendly rather than cliquey. No god stuff at baby Sunday school either, just toys and coffee and chat, I made a couple of nice mum friends with zero religious chat. Even if you don't do that though, your LO will be fine without the cliquey groups!!

I felt I had nothing in common with the other mums apart from having babies. I was a lot older. The only thing I can add to what the other posters have said is that often there is someone worth getting to know, someone with an interesting past or who has similar interests to you, so it's worth trying to get to know people, and if you find another mum who you feel you'd have stuff in common with, don't be shy - invite her for a coffee or to bring her LO to yours to play.

I’d rather sit on a cactus than attend these mind numbingly boring groups, full of boring cliquey women with far too much time on their hands. Don’t worry OP, you don’t need ‘mum friends’ when your kid is this young. All you have in common is the fact you conceived around a similar time. You have loads of time, it’s not worth being upset about.

OP where abouts are you? I've had the same experience but would love to make proper mum friends!

Yes totally agree with you, I hated them and felt like such an idiot trying to "make friends" I gave up in the end. I had one mum friend from ante natal that i occasionally met with and other than that I just took baby to the shops, for walks, got some sensory things to play with at home, put songs on YouTube and did singing/dancing and some reading.

I found playgroups at church halls much less cliquey and there’s no commitment like paid for classes. I made friends with other mums there and we would meet in the park / coffee at each others houses at other times which seemed a much better setting 1:1 or 1:2.

It's really hard to go to new things as an adult and you naturally talk to the people you already know. I don't think that's necessarily cliquey. I tend to speak to people from my NCT group when I'm at classes. I live in a smallish place.

Did you do NCT? Most women go to these classes already with friends they know. At that tiny age it’s not the place to make new friends.

I go to a different stay-and-play / toddler group type thing each day of the week - not classes, just the free or very cheap sessions run by churches or the council. There's only one where I find the other mums friendly and interact meaningfully with them, but that's mostly on me as I'm not great at socialising. I think it's helpful though for my 2 yo as she doesn't go to nursery or preschool yet but is getting to the age where she needs to start socialising a bit. It's been especially important to our routine since her baby sibling arrived. It gets us out of the house, she gets different toys and children to play with and we usually get a drink and biscuit too!

It's a numbers game. Of every 50 people you meet at these groups, you might have friendly interactions with around 30 of them, become friendly acquaintances with around 8-10, become actual friends with 2 or 3 and the rest will be cliquey or blow you off. Since most people are fairly nice even if they don't want to invest heavily in becoming friends, you're either unlucky or coming across a bit strangely if you're being blown off by more than around 1/5 of the other mums you meet (as opposed to them simply not having the time or energy to be more than pleasant). In which case, I'd just move on and try a different group. And the beauty of London is that there are hundreds to choose from.

Of course you're right that the value of these groups to your tiny baby is limited so it depends on how much you value making new friends (for you and, longterm, for your DC). Personally the effort I put in hugely paid off for me in Covid as I knew a few mums locally who I could then meet up for walks and have outdoor playdates with during Covid, most of whom I met at groups. And that was most of the socialisation my DC got during the lockdowns and I think has been valuable for him longterm (as well as keeping me sane during a very dark period). But those were clearly special circumstances.