Baby classes and groups - is it just me?!

[Janedoelondon]

Hi mumsnetters,

My second post today as got such helpful responses from my last one.

I have a 5 month old baby boy, who I adore. We have (it feels like!), toured the whole of the local area trying to find a baby group (massage, sensory, etc) which suits us but I am really struggling.

It might just be my experience but I am finding the groups very cliquey, and quite isolating, lonely and a little judgemental. A lot of the women already know each other, and any conversation I do have is also very limited to babies and it is hard to move away from this (perhaps not surprising, I might need to recalibrate my expectations!).

I have often come away from the groups quite upset, I can’t explain why, they just make me feel very lonely, I guess because I don’t feel I fit in.

I also question how valuable they are to my little one vs activities we can do for free. We go for long walks along the river/in local common and parks (we live near London so luckily are lots nearby!), and I always try and play and read to my little boy each day too. We also listen to audiobooks.

Is it just me?

I did lots of different groups but I did it to spend time with DD, help her development and socialise her, it wasn’t for me to make friends. Any chat with other mums is just shallow niceties, just because you’ve had a baby at the same time doesn’t mean you’ll have anything in common. One playgroup we’ve being going to for 3yrs and a brief surface level chat is all anyone manages and I’m perfectly happy with that!

Where in London do you live? You might find some mum friends on here?

I'm very extrovert and loved baby classes. I made some really good friends there. I was lucky that people invited me for lunch etc. after groups. I think it just depends on personalities.
I also spent a lot of time with my NCT group, I think there are cliques of NCT groups. Did you do any birthing classes?

Have you tried the peanut app? You can find similar people in your situation?

Literally couldn't cope without them go to a playgroup / class every week day morning but they aren't for everyone

It's so interesting when people say that you shouldn't expect to make friends at baby groups. The list of where and when it's socially acceptable to make friends is so small and limiting and people wonder why there's a mental health crisis and so many lonely people.

Yes OP, I agree with you.

It is tricky when others in the class know each other but I never went with the main intention to be to make friends, and if you’re at a baby class with other parents it’s natural to only talk about baby stuff

stay away from the cliquey groups and see if anyone else wants to go for a coffee after class or something

No point in baby groups especially if you aren't getting on with the other mums. Toddler groups are a lifeline because toddlers need socialising and stimulation. Enjoy your peaceful time with baby while it lasts!

I agree. Humans are social creatures. While we're clearly not going to form deep and meaningful bonds with everyone we come across, 5 minutes pleasant conversation is usually not too much to ask and also has its value.

I think this is the best kind of attitude to have towards baby groups, I did end up making friends after a few months, but I mostly went to classes as an activity to do with my baby that we couldn't do at home in terms of having all the different props at baby sensory etc.

I love baby classes - we do at least one a day, and sometimes a couple now dd has dropped a nap. Ive done a mix of free ones and more expensive ones and I tend to prefer the paid for classes - more structured and imaginative, better toys and facilities. I'm fairly introverted and don't always talk much to other mums, but I like being directed in what to do with my dd as it's easy to get into a stale routine if you're thinking up activities to do at home all the time.

I like the taught classes best, rather than the baby groups where the dc are left to roam and mums just chat amongst themselves. I haven't found them cliquey but to be honest I'm not really looking for friends, just a nice way to spend time with my baby. And lots of the mums go on their own ime, they don't just go to meet with friends.

I don't agree that babies/toddlers get nothing out of the groups - my dd loves them, and so did my eldest, and I think she developed a lot of social/independence skills through them (and its clear from research that for the cohort who spent their toddler years through the pandemic and missed out on toddler groups/classes, that those skills have suffered).

I hated baby groups. Some of the women there were so excited about motherhood and only wanted to talk babies. I don’t mind motherhood, like my kid, but would have rather talked about literally anything other than babies, it’s such a boring subject. I stopped bothering with them and just tolerated a few of the toddler ones as he got bigger.

I totally bow down to those of you who go to several a week! Good effort! I could barely be arsed to make it to my weekly meeting 😂

Just to clarify, I would do anything for my son. Yes I find the groups difficult but if he benefits from them, then I will do them. My point is more that I am not sure he does, and I know for a fact they cause me a lot of upset, hence me posting.

I will always put my son first.

I've made a few good friends through baby classes, but I have been to a lot.

I tend to go with low expectations (in terms of making friends), so I'm pleasantly surprised if I meet someone who I connect with beyond us both having babies. But baby chat is par for the course, initially anyway.

I often see baby groups referred to as cliquey on MN. Maybe I've been lucky, or maybe it's just how I see things, but this hasn't been my experience. Sure I've been to classes where it's apparent that people have already made friends, but people don't just stop going to classes once they make friends. It's quite normal to keep going together.

This is why I liked them.

I wanted to talk about leaky boobs and cluster feeding and sleepless night and ‘are they ready for sleeping in just a vest yet’. You can’t view your normal friends with stuff like that but other new mums are happy to moan with me talk about that stuff and no one finds each other boring (or if they don’t they don’t say or seem to mind)

@Hillstop at least one a day?? Bloody hell. You just have the patience of a saint.

Honestly I find if you want to make friends asan adult you need to be thick skinned and willing to be rejected or look stupid. That's how I approached it with my first. I assumed everyone was as tired as I was and as unused to being off work and at home for the first time. Breastfeeding group I made a few good friends, however what started as maybe 20 of us who knew each other and went o other baby groups etc together when everyone was back at work etc whittled down. Now those babies are all 5 and what remains is a few casual acquaintances and 1 group chat of 5 of us who are all very good and supportive friends with similar but not identical parenting ideas. All of us now over 40, with me being the youngest having just hit 40 this month. We got each other through the COVID lockdowns with video calls and supportive texts and we've all had subsequent babies and it's just been very lovely.

To get to this point there was a previous failed group chat, lots of embarrassing false starts, some episodes of feeling like an outsider, and a lot of silent tea and biscuits at church groups with women I couldn't seem to have a conversation with.

It's a bit like highschool, if you want to find a group of friends you need to see where you fit and you may not want or need that and that's fine too.

I try not to think of cliques as negative though, just as long standing friendships I'm not part of.

I took my first to a baby class when she was around 4/5 months and she slept through most of it, I think when they’re a little older and can interact more you’ll find it more beneficial

it was just an excuse to get out of the house at first

Same, I've plenty of friends to talk about work and society and politics with, I wanted the baby chat from baby groups. Friendships eventually evolved from that.

I tried a lot of groups with my DC - groups that were cliquey I just never returned to, but there were 2 I stuck with. It was nice to just chat with other mums and it did branch into play dates / meeting in cafes or softplay. I think it takes one person to take the bull by the horns and suggest a coffee - I found it weirdly nerve-wracking but I’m glad I did it.

I was the first person in my friendship group to have a baby, and without baby / toddler groups I think I would’ve been quite lonely on Mat leave. But they are, of course, not compulsory.

I went to one and just felt like I didn't fit in and most of them knew each other and just didn't make an effort at all so haven't gone back

Baby groups are a whole new level of hell it’s a firm no from me

I only ever go to free baby classes/groups and usually attend one most days (sometimes days two!). I had hoped to make friends but in the end, I enjoyed them more because they got me and 9 month old DS out of the house and chatting to people, even if it's just small talk or baby focused, and/or an excuse to use my rather rusty Welsh language skills.

If they cause you upset then don’t go. Your baby won’t be missing out as long as you are stimulating and engaging with them in other ways. Just because you haven’t found what you are looking for in groups though doesn’t make them cliquey. I don’t think chat at a 60 minute or less group is going to move beyond pleasantries to be honest. Im quite introverted and at 5 months pp I was such a zombie I couldn’t muster up much beyond being superficially nice. If you want an easy way to kill an hour with your baby then groups are great. If you want proper, meaningful friendships then look elsewhere would be my advice.

I always go to them with the mindset that it's all for my son. I try super hard to not care whats going on around me or about anyone I talk to's opinion of me or anything. Its tough and sometimes I feel bad still but it's better for me to have a don't give a fuck attitude than take it to heart. A lot of them are cliquey because they've been going years or had multiple kids or they just know other people already but I don't think they mean to be, I think sometimes that familiarity gives people a big head for some reason.

I think it's fairly reasonable for conversation to focus on babies - that's the most obvious thing you have in common, so it's natural to talk about it!

Once you make friends, you will start to talk about plenty of non-baby-related things I'm sure. I've made a couple of lovely friends at baby groups!

I agree that you have to stick a group out for a little while to have any chance of making any proper friendships.

That said, it's definitely for the adults and not the babies at such a young age. So if you don't like it, don't go - your baby won't mind