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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Neighbours - wwyd?

58 replies

IWishICouldDisappear · 08/02/2023 18:28

How much noise/disruption would have to happen before you were concerned and call the police? If there was lots of noise -not arguments but angry loud shouting and swearing from one person (male) lots of things being thrown around and broken, music turned up to very high volume.

I'm the female on the receiving end of the abuse. Too scared to call the police because they won't do anything and he'll be angry with me for calling. Kind of hoping that a neighbour might call and report a disturbance but they never have.

So just wondered. How bad would it have to be before you called the police if you heard something like that from your neighbours?

YABU - Of course the neighbours should not get involved and put themselves at risk too

YANBU - I would be concerned and call the police

OP posts:

NewIdeasToday · 08/02/2023 18:31

Sorry to hear you’re in this horrible situation.

I don’t think you can reply on neighbours to pick this up. Is there a way you can get someone else to report on your behalf if you can’t? A sister or friend?

SpringSparrow · 08/02/2023 18:33

I’m so sorry that you are in this situation. I really don’t think you can wait for neighbours to notice though. Can you contact women’s aid and ask for help?

iknowwheretheothersockgoes · 08/02/2023 18:35

OP, I'm so sorry you are in this situation.

You say that the police won't help, have you considered women's aid? Or similar?

It doesn't matter really what any of us would tolerate.

I'm worried for you, please do seek help.

AutumnTreacle · 08/02/2023 18:35

I’d I was your neighbour I’d report it when it’s happening and hope a police offer shows up in time to witness what is happening, I’ve done it before. The guy got a night in custody but was released without charge in the end as his GF wouldn’t press charges, they moved away not long afterwards so no idea what happened.
Please don’t rely on other to report it right OP, you can’t always rely on others to intervene when you’re scared, even if they know.
Could you look into a crisis centre where you can get advice, or even reach out to a friend or family member who will have your interests at heart?

AutumnTreacle · 08/02/2023 18:36

Sorry for all the typos, I’m making dinner!

CatOnTheChair · 08/02/2023 18:37

Verbal threats, along with the above, for me to call.

Please don't rely on the neighbours - presumably the effect of you calling or them calling would be the same - why would the police do something if the neighbour's called and not if you called?

Ideally you need to find another way out. Easy to say, harder to do.

I hope you get away from him soon.

watchfulwishes · 08/02/2023 18:38

I probably wouldn't call if I heard generic loud/angry noises, I would call if I heard sounds of violence or targeted abuse/insults/threats.

I think throwing objects etc is very hard to report from next door - no one can see where you are in relation to what is going on.

Can you tell us a bit more detail about specifically what is happening?

Also if you are not ready to call the police, I recommend calling Women's Aid to chat about this with someone who can advise.

RiktheButler · 08/02/2023 18:40

I don't understand why you think the Police would do nothing if you call, but would do so if a neighbour made a vague report of noise

Forgooodnesssakenow · 08/02/2023 18:44

RiktheButler · 08/02/2023 18:40

I don't understand why you think the Police would do nothing if you call, but would do so if a neighbour made a vague report of noise

I suspect because op is the victim in abusive relationship who has had her self esteem chopped away until she feels less worthy of help as a victim of violence than her neighbours would be as victims of noise.

The psychological effects of an abusive relationship are dreadful obviously and it's the distortion of reality that's the worst.

LakieLady · 08/02/2023 18:45

I would, and have, reported what sounds like DA going on in a neighbouring property. However, I also understand people's reluctance to do so.

My friend reported her neighbour because of possible DA. The police came, and after being assured by the woman of the couple that there was nothing going on, they left and went to speak to my friend. The NDN saw this and (rightly) assumed that friend had made the report. They now abuse her when they see her in the street or communal areas, throw rubbish in her garden, talk loudly about harming her, her teenage son (who has MH problems, including anxiety) and their dog. Her son is now scared to even go out into their garden. She bitterly regrets making that call, and is scared to report the harassment/abuse she's getting to the police or council (she's in council property) in case it makes things worse.

And she still has to listen to shouting, screaming and the woman crying most nights.

Please call Women's Aid when you get a chance, OP. They will know how best to help you.

henchhen · 08/02/2023 18:49

Hi OP,

Please don't rely on your neighbours reporting. I was in a DV relationship for ten years, moved house and no one ever reported it as far as I'm aware. The police only arrived when he tried to kill me and I called them myself.

Why do you think they wouldn't do anything? They did arrest my ex, he only got a caution though and was allowed to move back in. But I left with the help of women's aid, could you approach them? My experience is from 11 years ago now, so maybe things have changed

gogohmm · 08/02/2023 18:52

If you are being abused they will help you. If you have a shouty partner you need to leave him. Is there any one irl you can confide in?

Original poster

IWishICouldDisappear · 08/02/2023 18:52

He got angry in a pub, I wasn't there but he started smashing things and shouting for no reason other than cocaine makes him rage and they called the police. They attended and told him to calm down and walk it off and go home. He had two knives in his pocket but they didn't search him. They sent him home to me to continue his rampage. Those knives got thrown across a room and are now imbedded in my wall.

I don't believe that the police will do anything to help no matter who calls them. I was just curious if people on here would pick up the phone.

OP posts:

WhereIsMumHiding3 · 08/02/2023 18:53

You can call the police OP don't rely on a neighbour

You can talk to the police yourself ask
To arrange to see one of their specialist domestic abuse officers and they will do a DASH assessment with you- you can arrange to meet them out of the house and not in uniform

Please get some advice from womens aid charity who may be able to link you to the local domestic abuse service near you

www.womensaid.org.uk/

For example in our local authority there's a very active domestic abuse hemline and charity that can arrange an outreach worker to meet you ( usually out of the house)

I'm so sorry you are going Through this

Throwing things,shouting loudly and swearing at someone at someone (especially if regular) causing you to fear your partner, is emotional abuse ( domestic abuse) there may be more going on.

Eastereggsboxedupready · 08/02/2023 18:54

Can you use the text service? Or ring from the locked bathroom? Ask them not to relate you made the call.

WhereIsMumHiding3 · 08/02/2023 18:56

@IWishICouldDisappear

OP we cross posted

He carries and threw two knives

Yes this is coercive controlling behaviour (threats of violence to control you) and is most definitely a criminal offence

Why do you think police won't help? As they will. You'd be flagged very highly in DASH (domestic abuse risk) assessment

Please seek help

Original poster

IWishICouldDisappear · 08/02/2023 18:57

she feels less worthy of help as a victim of violence than her neighbours would be as victims of noise.

Oh. I hadn't realised before but yes, this.

OP posts:

WhereIsMumHiding3 · 08/02/2023 19:00

When you ring the police (& they will know him having had contact recently) you start with "I am scared , he (my partner) was carrying two knives in his pocket , regularly shouts and swears at me and in anger (on x date at y time) threw two knives (at/near me, you detail the incident) that are embedded in my wall in my flat/ house. "

GemJS · 08/02/2023 19:01

I used to volunteer with the police, they will help if you let them. Time and time again we were called to a DV but we couldn't do anything it the victim didn't want to pursue it or tell us what was going on.
Please do speak to them if you are in a DV relationship, you can make an appointment and visit your local station if you don't want them turning up at your house, they will risk assess you, it's called a DASH assessment and will be able to give you help and suggest local DV support centres. Please don't wait for someone to report it as they might not feel they should. You could also speak to the National Domestic Helpline too if you don't want to involve police at this stage.

Canuckduck · 08/02/2023 19:01

I have been the neighbour in this situation and called. There was verbal abuse, crashing noises and later on it sounded like physical abuse/ screaming. It happened several times and the person was taken away by the police but later returned. The woman, who I never saw, we think left.

He then threatened me and would scream at me through the floor/ ceiling and wait until he heard me walk past. It was a frightening situation as I was very young and often alone in the flat as my boyfriend worked in a bar. Eventually he was evicted.

I’m glad I called but I can see why some people choose not to.

WhereIsMumHiding3 · 08/02/2023 19:02

www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

OhhhhhhhhBiscuits · 08/02/2023 19:05

I got involved with a similar issue with a neighbour and then got abused by her and the bloke so badly that we had to move. Everytime I left the house I would be called a snitch and a cunt and this would be infront of my kids, so sadly I wouldn't call the police in future as I can't face going through it all again. I feel so sad that I wouldn't get involved, but I was so broken by the nightmare neighbours that I can't risk my own mental health again.

Dogcafedreamer · 08/02/2023 19:05

IWishICouldDisappear · 08/02/2023 18:52

I don't believe that the police will do anything to help no matter who calls them. I was just curious if people on here would pick up the phone.

Please please get in touch with women's aid, family, friends?

The school if you have children.

You will get help.

Greyarea12 · 08/02/2023 19:07

The police will help. They will tell him to leave, may even arrest him for threatening and abusive behaviour (throwing knives/smashing things/verbal abuse). Phone them. If you don't want to call, is there somewhere else you could go?

I have been where you are. He was arrested twice. Calling the police the second time is what changed my life. I took their advice, got a lawyer and court orders on him. This was after years of behaviour exactly the same as what you are experiencing. It won't change. Your life does not have to be this way. Please call the police and make plans to leave.

mummysquasher · 08/02/2023 19:09

I've been the neighbour and called. (Years before that I was the victim hoping the neighbours would call, they didn't!). I'd heard arguing before but this time there was so much banging and screaming I thought he was going to kill her. So I called 999. They were there in seconds, took him away in one car and other officers spent ages talking with her. I didn't see him again. We live in a small block of flats so she wouldn't have known it was me who called. I don't know if it went to court or what. But she has a new boyfriend now. He seems nice.

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