Sick of my grandmother and all her money

[TetherEndOfMy]

Went to see my grandmother last night. She's in her mid 80s and constantly talks about how much money she has. I am a lone parent struggling to pay my bills and childcare. Every time I see her she asks 'how are you coping with paying bills?' and talks about how awful the cost of living crisis is for people like me. I never raise the topic of money. Last night she then continued on to talk about the two houses she needs to sell which will hopefully see £600k into her savings, and was talking about 200k she had 'lying around' and needed to put into some kind of investment. She then went on to ask me about which charities I 'recommend' she donates to when she dies as she wants to give most of her money away. Today I have phoned to tell her I'm busy and can't drop her shopping round as I feel like she is taunting me. I DO NOT expect her to give me money, I just hate the way she is so tone deaf. She's completely switched on at 84 years old and seems to think I'm some poor hopeless person. Anyway. I just needed to get that off my chest as I am facing having a pre payment meter fitted and am struggling not to cry into my Cereal.

[underneaththeash]

Tell her - gran I'm really struggling, could one of the charities you give your money to, be me please.

[Dishwashersaurous]

That's really tough.

Either she is ignorant about how she is being or she's doing it on purpose.

I would simply say to her that she will need to pay someone to drop her shopping and whatever jobs you do for her. And that you can't do it because you need to work to pay the bills.

[TetherEndOfMy]

@underneaththeash

Tell her - gran I'm really struggling, could one of the charities you give your money to, be me please.

Nope, won't happen. She believes people should earn their money and not ask for 'handouts'. She's talked about her friends who have 'entitled grandchildren' asking them for money and has told me she's glad I'm not like this. I need to cut her off but the guilt of her being round the corner and not being particularly well always gets me.

[ABigSpot]

We'll just be honest. Say to her that if she keeps talking about money you aren't going to be around as much. That while you are pleased for her you are genuinely struggling and that you need hers to be a pleasant place to be not somewhere where you are always reminded of what you don't have. If you must, reassert you aren't asking for money, just some compassion in what she discusses.

Then if she can't do it you've given her fair warning, no need to feel guilty, and back you step.

[Dishwashersaurous]

Does she also perhaps not approve of your life choices as well.

You have two choices.

1. Don't see her
2. If she mentions money then every single time change the topic of conversation. "I don't want to talk about that, as you know I am financially struggling, you will need to ask someone better placed. So what did you think of Happy Valley." And repeat

[Conkersinautumn]

Is she one of those truly bizarre people who will only help if you ask and is weirdly goading you into asking? Tell her straight she's in her 80s, she can handle it. Gran, you need to stop taunting me, yes money is really tight and I'm struggling. It's difficult to hear about how you're finding being wealthy. I don't want money to come between us type chat.

No doubt someone will point out that a loss of appropriate boundaries in conversation can be a sign of dementia, but that probably isn't relevant!

[thecatsthecats]

That time you're spending helping her is time you could be taking a course, studying, or doing some side work to improve your income.

I imagine she feels insecure, that she is lonely, and that it's making her lash out with the value of her money.

But it's not making either of your lives better, is it?

If she's as sharp as you say, simply have the above conversation with her. You love her, but you can't keep spending time that could better your circumstances helping her. You aren't asking for money, but it's hurtful that she doesn't seem to ser that you're struggling.

Either she's a dick, and you'll get a lot of defensive bollocks, or she isn't, and at the very least she'll pay for services and she'll stop taunting you about it.

[Flowersintheattic57]

How about if you asked her for a loan? Tell her would she consider giving you a loan and you will pay her back at 5% interest. Ask for a decent amount like £10k (or more) paid back over five years. Unlikely she’s getting 5% from her ‘investments’ so she may well be tempted especially if its for something that would lead to you earning better.

[GoodChat]

Tell her you can't do her shopping as you need to pick up extra hours at work.

I'm assuming she has internet access so I'd show her how to do her online shopping.

[HaroldTheStallion]

She is definitely doing this deliberately - putting you down to make herself feel better. She's probably jealous of you as you're young and have your whole life ahead of you. One of the things I've noticed now my father is elderly is how aging and being dependent on someone else can actually feel humiliating. She's trying to take some of her power back by rubbing her money in your face.

If I were you, I would cut way back on helping her. Then when she realises she needs you and can't get away with treating you this way, try having an honest conversation with her about what she's doing. You've got nothing to lose.

[Shunkleisshiny]

There is a list of how much the big bosses of the large charities earn. Print it off and say "There you go Gran pick which charities you want to leave your money to".

[Piffle11]

It does sound like she's taunting you.

I think next time she asks, I'd be tempted to say something like, 'how about Age UK? And then you can ask them if someone can help you with your shopping, as I'm not going to be able to do it anymore because I need to take an extra job to pay my bills…'

[Mindymomo]

My father in law was like this, when I did his shopping around £40 he would offer £25. I soon told him it cost £40 and gave him the receipt. He did leave us everything in his will though. Can you claim carers allowance if you are doing things for her, she may get attendance allowance but that would be paid to her. It’s a shame she thinks like she does, but I expect she’s not alone.

[CauliflowerRiceIsNotNice]

@Conkersinautumn

Is she one of those truly bizarre people who will only help if you ask and is weirdly goading you into asking? Tell her straight she's in her 80s, she can handle it. Gran, you need to stop taunting me, yes money is really tight and I'm struggling. It's difficult to hear about how you're finding being wealthy. I don't want money to come between us type chat.

No doubt someone will point out that a loss of appropriate boundaries in conversation can be a sign of dementia, but that probably isn't relevant!

My MIL is like this. She will help you if you ask for a specific reason and she deems it to be a worthy cause, and will then repeatedly remind you of how she helped you out. She has given £££ to one SIL who plays the game. My DH refuses to engage and is fiercely financially independent because of this attitude.

I think you have to be blunt if you are going to continue seeing her OP. I don't want to talk about money Gran, as you know I'm struggling and I don't find this topic of conversation helpful.

[picklemewalnuts]

@GoodChat

Tell her you can't do her shopping as you need to pick up extra hours at work.

I'm assuming she has internet access so I'd show her how to do her online shopping.

This. Tell her that your struggling financially, as she knows, and you have to put your time into paying work or studying for a better job.

And do it.

She can employ carers to cover what you do.

Still do the weekly social teatime visit, or whatever, but not the carer type visits. She's undervaluing your time.

[IncompleteSenten]

I'd advise her to use her money to pay someone to do the things you've been helping her out with from now on because you are no longer available.

She sounds like she is being deliberately cruel to you tbh. I can't see any other reason she would say the things she does.

Why give your valuable time to someone who seemingly wants to upset you?

[IncompleteSenten]

Just out of interest - how did she earn all her money? What was her profession?

[FictionalCharacter]

@TetherEndOfMy

Nope, won't happen. She believes people should earn their money and not ask for 'handouts'. She's talked about her friends who have 'entitled grandchildren' asking them for money and has told me she's glad I'm not like this. I need to cut her off but the guilt of her being round the corner and not being particularly well always gets me.

Not very nice is she?! Well if she thinks people should be self sufficient and not rely on others, surely that goes both ways and she shouldn’t be relying on you to get her shopping.
With her attitude you have two choices. Stop seeing her and helping her, and tell her why i.e. it’s because of her insensitivity and going on about how wealthy she is when you’re struggling so badly. Or, you keep seeing her but cut her off sharply when she starts on about all her surplus money. “Gran, you’re talking about all your money again, and it’s really hurtful because I barely have enough to live on. I’m leaving now, see you next week”. But tbh she doesn’t deserve to have you running errands for her.

[WinterFoxes]

I would have one very honest conversation with her. Say you find it disgusting that she keeps talking about her money and the charities she'll give it to when she knows you are struggling. Say you have never asked for money but you find it deeply distasteful that a wealthy family member can watch a loved one with a young child live on the breadline and do nothing to help. You won't be bringing her shopping arond anymore as you think she should stand on her own two feet and pay a home help to service her as you need to work the extra hours you have been devoting to her, to earn a few more pounds, just as she expects you to.

[savethatkitty]

She sounds rather awful. I'd be limiting visits.

[FebFun]

My Dad is like this, he’s not taunting me, he’s just a tone deaf narcissist.

[Thea91]

My Dad is like this and it is so bizarre. He is extremely wealthy, talking many millions.
Everyone all his friends etc assume he bought me my house outright, never even gave me anything to the deposit. I actually think he would see me homeless rather than help me with morgtatge payments if I ever struggled. He always tells me about the lavish lifestyle him , his wife, step daughter and other daughter (who I love very much) have . Last week when I spoke to him he told me he had just bought a 200k watch . It's bizarre. I'm lucky I am not struggling and live quite comfortably, but he would not help if I was .
My brothers don't speak to him haven't for many years.
My dad was self made so I think he wants us to work hard . Which we all do but a hand wouldn't go a miss 🤣.
I understand how you feel . Don't feel guilty if you need to cut her off for your own mental well-being.

[Notadrill]

In my experience, money makes more money, so I doubt she herself 'worked hard' for every penny she has. Anyhow, she is being massively insensitive and no wonder you find it upsetting. You'd think it would give her pleasure too to treat you or help you and your child, but at the very least she shouldn't be rubbing it in your face. Ask her how she would feel if the positions were reversed. And then pull back for your own sanity. She is taking you for a mug and taking your time, effort, and above all, tolerance for granted.

[HappyValerie]

Ask gran for advice on how she ‘earned’ all her money. When you find the majority came from inherited money do remind her she’s a hypocrite.

[MaybeIWillFuckOffThen]

Just tell her you think it is extremely vulgar to brag about money, and extremely impertinent to ask someone else about their own financial situation. Disapprove of her. She won't know what to do with that.