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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed at my son’s teacher?

106 replies

ChipmunksInAttic · 07/02/2023 23:48

I have a 9 yo and he’s brilliant at maths, history, geography and he’s a very good reader. We’ve always received good feedback from school so far at parent evenings etc, encouraged for grammar schools.

Today at school he took an equipment which he was specifically told not to play with yesterday, and broke it by mistake. It’s not an expensive thing, and we’ll replace it of course. It was wrong of him for sure, but in my eyes it’s just a mistake.

But the teacher was really cross with him. She pulled me in at school pickup and told me about this. Then she showed me some of his work at school, which she rightfully said was poorly done. She said these are not up to their standards at all, and she was not happy at all with his attitude too. I said I’d talk to him and we’d work on it to get it better.

I’m not saying any of these were wrong, I think in essence she believes her instructions are being ignored and I don’t blame her for complaining about it.

But to be honest presentation of his work was never very good, his notebooks were always messy but given the good feedback we thought they didn’t care about it so much. I’m a bit annoyed we’re being told about this only now, when she’s angry with him. That just makes all the previous praises questionable. I’m also annoyed she made all these complaints in front of him. He already thinks she has other favourites and he’s not one of them. Shouldn’t she have told this to me privately without upsetting and discouraging him? Or did he need this wake up call?

OP posts:
PenguinLove1 · 07/02/2023 23:53

So your son ignored instructions and broke the schools property, isnt putting effort into work even though he is academically strong, and has attitude/behaviour issues and you are annoyed at the teacher not your kid?

You are making excises for him - take ownership and help your son behave better at school.

They will be starting to expect more of him as he progresses through the year groups - messy work or mistakes will be more tolerable when in younger year groups - sounds like he isnt maturing and working better as he ages - hopefully a few chats at home and some consequences for bad behaviour will nip in the bud, good luck 😊

Original poster
ChipmunksInAttic · 07/02/2023 23:55

I’m more than annoyed with him too of course :) but I don’t think pointing fingers will help, I was naively hoping for positive encouragement instead I guess :)

OP posts:
Dixiechickonhols · 07/02/2023 23:56

I wouldn’t describe disobedience as a mistake. He should have followed instructions and not touched the equipment. It sounds like it’s part of a bigger issue of him not following teachers instructions/poor attitude and she’s showing you sloppy work as she knows he’s capable of better but his attitude is currently letting him down.
I’d focus your attention on encouraging him to listen to the teacher and try his best.

Stompythedinosaur · 07/02/2023 23:56

I mean, taking property he knew he wasn't allowed and breaking it is fairly significant. A telling off and telling his parents doesn't seem disproportion.

And raising a valid concern about him not attending to his work seems pretty legitimate also. I think this is a case to work with her. I think it is good she spoke in front of your ds, she clearly wants to work together, and for everyone to be on the same page.

It must have been a bit of a shock, but I think the person to be annoyed with is your ds!

Stompythedinosaur · 07/02/2023 23:57

*disproportiate

Aldisfinest · 07/02/2023 23:57

I don't think the teacher was wrong at all, now she's brought it up it's something you can work on with your son.

Stompythedinosaur · 07/02/2023 23:58

*disproportionate

(Apparently I have lost the ability to type!)

Stompythedinosaur · 07/02/2023 23:59

Honest question - how would you deliver the news that a dc had taken equipment they weren't allowed and broken it with "positive encouragement"?

Some things can't easily be sugar coated.

Dixiechickonhols · 08/02/2023 00:02

I think it’s good for him to realise actions have consequences. Teacher being cross you ignored them and broke something is exactly what he needs to see.
Children are usually involved in feedback. It sounds like he is capable of better work if he makes the effort.

BreviloquentBastard · 08/02/2023 00:02

Teacher does her job, local mum angry at teacher for doing her job. More at 11.

In other news, people can't understand why teachers are going on strike.

PumpkinPastiez · 08/02/2023 00:04

Yes you are being unreasonable

Frozensun · 08/02/2023 00:04

In on the fence here. I think you should unpack this. There are a few separate issues. Should the teacher roll everything in while they’re angry? No. But is a 9yo deliberately taking something when they’ve specifically been told no a mistake? No, it’s conscious defiance. And you’re not doing him any favours to consider otherwise.
in terms of neatness, my take is so? Is the work correct? What does neatness add? Is it because it’s not legible so they can’t read it? I think you need to meet with the teacher. Acknowledge and work out how he makes restitution for the breakage. See if there’s an attitude issue generally. And discuss general feedback strategies and your expectation that it be planned and arranged. I wonder whether there’s stuff going on and this incident was a catalyst for a ‘blow up’

Original poster
ChipmunksInAttic · 08/02/2023 00:05

BreviloquentBastard · 08/02/2023 00:02

Teacher does her job, local mum angry at teacher for doing her job. More at 11.

In other news, people can't understand why teachers are going on strike.

oh please, I respectfully told what happened and asked for opinions. asking at this hour because I just finished work, not because I was constantly thinking about it!

believe me teachers have my respect and I didn’t say anything but thank you to her too. that’s not the question here, please stay relevant.

OP posts:
PeekAtYou · 08/02/2023 00:08

Do you know that teachers often buy classroom equipment out of their own money because government funding of education is so dreadful? So taking and breaking cheap equipment could be a big deal because it was funded out of her wages. By age 9, he should be able to understand don't take something. Breaking it might have been accidental but taking it wasn't and I think it's perfectly reasonable to expect kids not to take something that's not theirs. Also, not all parents are going to pay for breakages which is going up annoy the teacher more. If she bought the equipment out of her own wages it's because she thought the children would have a better educational experience using that equipment.

The handwriting is a separate issue. As your son gets older, it's not unreasonable of the school to expect him to try and master that skill. Everybody has different strengths and weaknesses so while others try and catch up to your son's maths and reading, he can try to work on presentation. You and him shouldn't take it personally that there's something that he needs to work on - schools set targets for kids all the time so he probably knows that handwriting is a weakness.

Sarahcoggles · 08/02/2023 00:09

My take on this is that the teacher was deliberately showing your son's poorly presented work at the same time as telling you about his act of disobedience , perhaps to demonstrate that he seems to be dipping in terms of general standards. That he seems to be changing from being a high achieving well behaved kid to a child who disobeyed a clear rule and is being slack with his work too.

Original poster
ChipmunksInAttic · 08/02/2023 00:09

Frozensun · 08/02/2023 00:04

In on the fence here. I think you should unpack this. There are a few separate issues. Should the teacher roll everything in while they’re angry? No. But is a 9yo deliberately taking something when they’ve specifically been told no a mistake? No, it’s conscious defiance. And you’re not doing him any favours to consider otherwise.
in terms of neatness, my take is so? Is the work correct? What does neatness add? Is it because it’s not legible so they can’t read it? I think you need to meet with the teacher. Acknowledge and work out how he makes restitution for the breakage. See if there’s an attitude issue generally. And discuss general feedback strategies and your expectation that it be planned and arranged. I wonder whether there’s stuff going on and this incident was a catalyst for a ‘blow up’

I took it as a mistake because he was told not to touch yesterday, but he says he forgot about it today and felt sorry after being reminded. the tool was already flimsy and broke in pieces without him doing anything with it.

About neatness, she said the lines were not drawn with a ruler, sentences were too short, maths results were correct but there was no showing of it.

OP posts:
MerryMarigold · 08/02/2023 00:11

I'm sorry OP, but your post screams that you are the problem not your DS. You want 'positive encouragement' that he took something and broke it?! Did he ever get into terrible at home or just get away with everything? It probably wasn't the time for the teacher to bring up the messy work, but sounds like he/ she has had enough and since teachers are human, they brought it up as evidence of general misdemeanors. Messy work isn't an issue in itself but if it's part of an attitude problem (let me get it done as quickly as possible so I can he's about and distract other people) then it is an issue, and possibly an issue linked to not listening to the teacher when asked not to take the equipment. Does he struggles to do what he's asked at home as well?

Rogue1001MNer · 08/02/2023 00:13

It is important to show your workings out with maths.
You get points for it in the SATS

Grimchmas · 08/02/2023 00:16

He should be able to remember that the day before he was told not to touch it. It being flimsy is neither here nor there - he wasn't supposed to touch it, perhaps because it was flimsy.

She's given you specifics, so there are things he can work on to improve. It does sound as if he's being quite lazy in the way he approaches his work, and perhaps if he applied himself to his work better he wouldn't be touching things he shouldn't be.

I'm sorry but I'm on the teacher's side. If you want him to get some positive feedback get him to use a ruler, write longer sentences and show his work in maths for a week, then ask his teacher how he's done in class that week.

Original poster
ChipmunksInAttic · 08/02/2023 00:22

MerryMarigold · 08/02/2023 00:11

I'm sorry OP, but your post screams that you are the problem not your DS. You want 'positive encouragement' that he took something and broke it?! Did he ever get into terrible at home or just get away with everything? It probably wasn't the time for the teacher to bring up the messy work, but sounds like he/ she has had enough and since teachers are human, they brought it up as evidence of general misdemeanors. Messy work isn't an issue in itself but if it's part of an attitude problem (let me get it done as quickly as possible so I can he's about and distract other people) then it is an issue, and possibly an issue linked to not listening to the teacher when asked not to take the equipment. Does he struggles to do what he's asked at home as well?

I don’t know maybe I’m really doing something wrong. Yes I have to repeat everything for him to listen and act on sometimes, but to be honest was thinking all 9 yos were about the same…

I did make a lengthy talk with him, he’ll be paying for the equipment from his allowance, and I said I’ll be constantly in touch with his teacher from now on to check on him, but I just feel this will put him off rather than motivating.

I don’t want to be unfair to him if he really has forgotten what teacher said yesterday and made an honest mistake. Because just last week they used that tool to draw lines in the garden, and they all were allowed to use it outside then.

I value all the opinions here, thanks for your support ladies.

OP posts:
Pythonesque · 08/02/2023 00:28

I feel like I know what you're getting at with regards to his work and what you've been told.

DD had to work hard to get the hang of spellings. With a bit of help from her granny she was then able to reliably do well in spelling tests. However, in written work her spelling remained very error prone. When i brought this up with teachers they'd continually say, her spelling's fine. I think she was already in year 7 when I went to a parent teacher evening and her English teacher said, now, about her spelling .... And I went, finally someone agrees there's an issue ...
She was never going to improve until expectations included that as something necessary. (even now as an English student she knows she has to watch out for spellings if she's writing essays when tired).

My reading of your comments, is that you've consistently had feedback that your son was strong academically and doing well; and only that. Now it feels all of a sudden that they're telling you a whole lot of other stuff that he's less good at, actually matters. Instead of there having been some consistency in the past, acknowledging that he was doing really well, but encouraging him to develop better presentation and keep improving his handwriting or whatever.

Showing your working in maths can be a slightly different issue, bright kids often can look and write down an answer which can make this a difficult request! But yes, he needs to have it explained what "show your working" might look like, and that sometimes practising writing down the calculation is useful even though you can do it in your head, so that when later you are asked to do bigger calculations you can do it with the help of writing it down!

MysteryBelle · 08/02/2023 00:50

He’s only 9. The teacher shouldn’t have said all those harsh things in front of him and then nothing positive. A good teacher will focus on the good a child does and give guidance on what to improve. Again, he’s nine years old. He will always remember the cruel way she spoke about him. Not acceptable in my opinion.

RoseBucket · 08/02/2023 00:55

How do children build resilience if they can’t also be bought to task for poor behaviour, it’s sounds as though it’s all been positive until now. Learn the lesson, apologise and move on.

RedHelenB · 08/02/2023 06:57

MysteryBelle · 08/02/2023 00:50

He’s only 9. The teacher shouldn’t have said all those harsh things in front of him and then nothing positive. A good teacher will focus on the good a child does and give guidance on what to improve. Again, he’s nine years old. He will always remember the cruel way she spoke about him. Not acceptable in my opinion.

Over reaction much. Hopefully he'll pull his socks up and start to perform better, sounds like he's got away with sub standard work and behaviour for a while.

Shinyandnew1 · 08/02/2023 07:04

but I don’t think pointing fingers will help

Like you’re doing, you mean?

What piece of equipment has he broken?