to be annoyed at my son’s teacher?

[ChipmunksInAttic]

I have a 9 yo and he’s brilliant at maths, history, geography and he’s a very good reader. We’ve always received good feedback from school so far at parent evenings etc, encouraged for grammar schools.

Today at school he took an equipment which he was specifically told not to play with yesterday, and broke it by mistake. It’s not an expensive thing, and we’ll replace it of course. It was wrong of him for sure, but in my eyes it’s just a mistake.

But the teacher was really cross with him. She pulled me in at school pickup and told me about this. Then she showed me some of his work at school, which she rightfully said was poorly done. She said these are not up to their standards at all, and she was not happy at all with his attitude too. I said I’d talk to him and we’d work on it to get it better.

I’m not saying any of these were wrong, I think in essence she believes her instructions are being ignored and I don’t blame her for complaining about it.

But to be honest presentation of his work was never very good, his notebooks were always messy but given the good feedback we thought they didn’t care about it so much. I’m a bit annoyed we’re being told about this only now, when she’s angry with him. That just makes all the previous praises questionable. I’m also annoyed she made all these complaints in front of him. He already thinks she has other favourites and he’s not one of them. Shouldn’t she have told this to me privately without upsetting and discouraging him? Or did he need this wake up call?

No, not an overreaction at all. Overreaction from the teacher perhaps.

I already know exactly what sort of school parent you are OP. The fact you took a situation where you son stole something and broke it and turned it into how dare the teacher complain is hilarious.

The teacher has enough to do without you being in constant contact to check on him. Leave her alone and let her contact you when it suits her. You sound very much like one of ‘those’ parents.

He's 9, he should be able to understand simple instructions and remember things from the day before. I wouldn't be impressed if it was my 5 year old.

What you’re requesting is how it would be dealt with it at the start of reception, not at 9yo

Times this by multiple number of parents... one of the reasons teachers are running for the hills without a backward glance. Ridiculous. Nothing is ever poor little Freddie's fault. Take some accountability.

He's 9, took something that wasn't his and broke it. My six year old would be told off for that, by 9 he knows its wrong. If he did forget, then he needs further investigation into his brain function.

The fact he doesn't listen doesn't surprise me. You've turned an incident that was his fault, into someone else's fault. I bet he's never faced the consequences of not doing what he's asked the first time ever.

The teacher has put up with his work not being the best it can be for a while it seems. The positive in class encouragement hasn't worked.

Because just last week they used that tool to draw lines in the garden, and they all were allowed to use it outside then.

I feel like you need to see that cup of tea/consent analogy video.

And yes, you are that parent. Let the qualified professional do her job and maybe try and learn something about behaviour management from her.

He's much more likely to pull his socks up if you support the teacher, instead of trying to find reasons the teacher was wrong. You could make this a valuable learning opportunity for him. Or not.

It sounds as though your son is becoming naughty and is now ignoring her instructions not only behaviour wise but also being lazy and ignoring instructions to improve his presentation.
She's right to inform you , she's right to challenge. She is annoyed with him

Not understanding why you are annoyed with her ?

The breaking equipment wasn’t acceptable. Not sure how positive encouragement is going to help there.

On showing his working - if he’s likely to sit the 11+ he needs to show his working to get the marks he’ll need.

The other points, it may be she’s given feedback on neatness before, ageing workings etc and he’s ignored her - like he ignored the instruction not to touch whatever he broke. It may be a general attitude issue.

Treat this as a serious wake up call. He can have all the natural ability in the world and sounds like good stable home (so he's got a better start than a lot of kids) , but it sounds like his attitude is bad and he has been arrogant and lazy at school (I think the teacher probably has sugar coated it to you so it's probably worse than she said ) and if this doesn't get nipped in the bud he will struggle later. You need to start working on and praising , politeness, obedience, listening skills and respecting others. These skills are just as important as academic milestones at this age

Not showing workings in maths is a problem though. It's not just that you get marks for it in exams but also that it's very hard as a teacher to work out where someone went wrong if all you have is a number on a page. So it's not a helpful habit to get into. Even if the answer are right now, they may not always be in the future.

Has this teacher praised his work and said there are no problems before? Or did previous teachers? Because obviously all teachers have different standards and different things they care about. Which may be why he feels the teacher has favourites - as in she values different things to his previous teachers and praises students who do these things. For these students it might be their first experience of regular praise.

In terms of annoyance, even if it's basic classroom equipment it may be something the teacher bought herself or she knows won't be replaced (especially right now at the end of the financial year) and then it's very hard not to get annoyed. At the end of the day it sounds like he has broken a resource meant for everyone, and it is important there are consequences to this.

I think you’re being a bit naive OP. At nine he’s perfectly old enough to understand that tools are okay to use for supervised class tasks and not okay to be poked with by individuals who’ve been told not to use them.

Being positive as a parent is great, but sometimes we just need to tell our kids to sort themselves. Blaming the teacher is a defence mechanism, but ultimately you’ll help your son more by supporting the school and not trying to shift blame.

I took it as a mistake because he was told not to touch yesterday, but he says he forgot about it today and felt sorry after being reminded. the tool was already flimsy and broke in pieces without him doing anything with it.

No doubt that's what he told you, but why on earth did you believe him given that it was a tool the whole class had been using for measuring last week without it falling apart?

I would imagine she was trying to show you a pattern.

For example, this week in my class (younger than nine) we have been working on extending sentences with conjunctions. So, I would not expect to see all short sentences at the moment.

So too in Maths, I imagine in every class in the land children are supposed to show their working out. It is an important step so you don't get caught out once the numbers get too big to do accurately in your head (and you get marks for it). It also helps the teacher see what has gone wrong if the answer is not correct so is an excellent practice to get into.

And not using a line for a ruler is just a basic! Books / work soon end up looking appalling with scribbled lines. How could you do an accurate graph or diagram? Again, I would imagine most teachers expect a ruler to be used for every line every time. It is hardly a big ask.

So, if her classroom is similar to mine, which seems likely:

• taking something you are not allowed (not following instructions)
• the lines were not drawn with a ruler (not following instructions)
• sentences were too short (not following instructions)
• maths results were correct but there was no showing of it (not following instructions)

Your child didn’t make a mistake. He very deliberately did something he had been told not to do and more than that, broke school property in the process. You should be livid. It is appalling behaviour and by making it all about the teacher you are telling your son he can do whatever he wants with very few - seemingly no - consequences. You are actually expecting the teacher to encourage him!

You need to have a serious word with yourself.

The teacher has done nothing wrong and was quite right in filling you in with regards to his declining behaviour and sloppy, lazy work. She knows he is capable of far more and he needed to hear her telling you, so that he knows you are aware too.

As she mentioned his attitude and the fact he 'forgot' he wasn't allowed to touch the piece of equipment (of course he didn't forget!) and subsequently broke it, I imagine she's becoming quite frustrated with him.

Imagine if the other 29 children in the class behaved like him. No wonder teachers are leaving in droves.

Poor presentation doesn't equate to laziness.

OP I would talk to him about checking before he takes things to use.
As regards his writing and presentation whilst your ds should be encouraged to be a little more organised perhaps I wouldn't worry too much.
A good teacher would realise that many brilliant minds are also poor writers.
My db is a physicist and has an outstanding brain, however his work wasn't tidy at school.
He earns 4x more than a teacher though.

YABU and ridiculous

I agree with this. It was to show a general drop in standards and behaviour.

Also, at 9 he is fully capable of understanding that being told ‘don’t touch that’ on Monday means it is also the case on Tuesday.

Btw, if he does go to grammar school, they will likely have very high standards in terms of laying out work correctly, so it would be good for him to get into the habit now.

I’ve been a teacher for a long time and I agree that whilst he shouldn’t have broken the piece of equipment it sounds like she’s annoyed and expressing that annoyance. She could have been much nicer about it. My ds in y4 his writing went downhill and they teacher spread his book out in front of me in a kind of look at this way. It was terrible. What she hadn’t appreciated was that he was trying to keep both arms touching the table because he’d developed slight tics/ocd. I also pointed out he needed lines to keep his writing on track but then again I was able to suggest strategies because of my experience.

So while it’s important to know what’s happening, she could have voiced it in a more friendly way.

As a teacher, I can’t think of many neurotypical 9 yos I’ve taught who wouldn’t be able to remember an instruction from one day to the next. In fact I would also expect the 5yos I teach now to be capable of remembering if they are not permitted to use something.

I can also understand why the teacher chose to show you his work at the same time - she’s been noticing a capable child who isn’t working to their full potential / maintaining previous high standards over a period of time. Then his behaviour yesterday escalated her concern to the point it was appropriate to discuss it with you. She was trying to give you the whole picture so you can work together to resolve things. Completely appropriate to involve the child in the discussion as he’s the one who’s got to work to change & improve things.

You’re feeling attacked because none of us want to think our dc aren’t doing well and it came as a surprise to you. That’s natural. The teacher is not in the wrong though. Probably no one has raised it before because it wasn’t such an issue earlier on, now his peers are catching up / overtaking him things like his presentation stand out in a way they didn’t earlier. He’s older so the expectations become higher. This is a normal thing that happens to some dc.

Thank goodness this teacher is in his corner enough to notice it, care about it and raise it with you. You can work on it with him and watch him make progress or excuse and minimise every bad choice he makes and create a monster. Your call.