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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Baby shower etiquette?

122 replies

RosieWinter · 06/02/2023 18:34

I am organising a friend's baby shower with a few other friends. I've started to cost things up and they all said they were happy to contribute. However since sending over my details, the WhatsApp chat has been silent and no money has appeared in my account...

I've put another reminder message in this morning and still nothing.

At this point, am I being unreasonable/is it cheeky to just put into main event WhatsApp with all 20+ people who are invited my details and say I'd appreciate any contributions to cake/decor that can be made? I would never have taken on organising this if it was going to end up being left to my bank account alone and I really thought I could trust the people who said they would contribute! I now know I'm unreasonable to trust people will send money when they say they will... but in the meantime what course of action do you reckon I can take?

OP posts:

PartingGift · 06/02/2023 21:22

Oh, and I would say it is bad etiquette to ask guests to contribute to attend a party of any kind.

I get that it's annoying, but if you message on the main chat to ask for contributions from people who are expecting to attend with a gift and already paying £15 for their own afternoon tea, it will seem cheeky and rude. Word may also get back to the mum to be and upset her - I would be mortified, but personally I would pay for my own baby shower, including people's food and drink.

It's annoying that the others who pre agreed to haven't paid you, but don't make it awkward and jump straight to asking for hand outs from unsuspecting guests. Worse comes to worse, cancel the cake and balloon arch etc. You can do a lot of baby shower games without buying stuff and you need less decorations than you think.

PartingGift · 06/02/2023 21:25

@ImWearingReallyJudgyPants

I love your username 🤣. I also love making balloon arches (yes I know they are terrible for the environment 😳) and playing games and drinking glasses of fizz! 🤣🤣

AlwaysFoldingWashing · 06/02/2023 21:25

Could you try giving a clear deadline if you haven't already? Maybe they are thinking they will give you cash on the day? I'd also maybe start sending private messages to them and just explain that you've had to front the money and it was agreed it would be shared...

Rinkydinkydoodle · 06/02/2023 21:37

Trying to think how to word it….
Are you the baby’s auntie/godmother? How many contributors and how much are you liable for in total? Like, what you still need to hand over plus what you’ve already paid?

Redbone · 06/02/2023 21:40

Sounds horrendous. Baby showers weren’t a thing when I had my two twenty years ago, thank goodness!

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 06/02/2023 21:44

I hate answers like this.

Yes I hate baby showers but that isnt what the OP asked. OP asked about how to get money from a group of people who had promised to contribute but are now ignoring her.

I think it's a lesson in getting payment IP front unfortunately.

I'd send messages individually asking for money and put one on the group chat saying despite everyone agreeing, no one has paid, you've shelled out and its put you in a difficult position and if everyone doesnt pay in the next couple of days you will start calling around to try and cancel orders and return what you've already bought as you cant afford to fund it yourself

LolaSmiles · 06/02/2023 21:44

Asking for money in the group chat with 20 attendees, most of whom aren't responsible for the situation you're in would be unreasonable in my opinion.

I'd be a bit annoyed if I'd rsvp-ed yes to an afternoon tea thinking I was paying for my afternoon tea and bringing a gift, only for the host to strongly hint I should pay her money to sort out a dispute between her and other organisers.

You'll need to speak to the small group who agreed to pay extra, preferably individually and not in a WhatsApp group

blackpinkinyourarea · 06/02/2023 21:46

We are in a cost of living crisis....20 quid pp for a balloon arch etc is obscene.
I honestly thought baby showers were hosted by the pregnant person, and you are repaid by the gifts you receive.

Bayleaf25 · 06/02/2023 21:47

I don’t think you can ask other invited guests to contribute (they weren’t expecting to and may have already bought gifts). I’d be really unhappy about being asked to contribute towards a party I’d been invited to and bought a gift for. So for that YABU.

However the people who agreed to contribute should do so.

ShirleyPhallus · 06/02/2023 21:47

Redbone · 06/02/2023 21:40

Sounds horrendous. Baby showers weren’t a thing when I had my two twenty years ago, thank goodness!

What’s the point of this post?

SnackyOnassis · 06/02/2023 21:59

I think you're perfectly reasonable to ask people quite pointedly for their promised contributions. To drive home the point, it might be worth explaining that the total cost is £XX and while that's manageable when split up by £20 each in the group, you simply don't have the money to cover it all yourself. Maybe seeing the total laid out might motivate people a bit more!

Also, do you have PayPal or Monzo? I'm pretty sure you can send a request for a specific amount to people, so if payment still isn't coming when you've prompted them, send the request and then message them each directly to follow up if that doesn't work!

Good luck OP, it's so annoying being in this position and will make you far less likely to want to organise anything with this group again in future, or at least not get stuck with the bill!!

StarsSand · 06/02/2023 22:00

I'm yet to attend a baby shower that is half as tacky as the people who feel the need to tell a baby shower host that they think they are tacky.

OP, send a text saying

'I haven't received any payments, which I need to move forward on what we planned.

If they don't arrive by tomorrow we'll have to go to plan B- I'll cancel the balloons and the cake. Cynthia, can you please bring a homemade cake in lieu of your £20, and everyone else please organise and bring your own baby shower game. My lost deposits will have to be my contribution. I'm sure we can still make sure Abigail has a great celebration on a tighter budget!

Please let me know if you would like to go ahead with plan A by sending your £20 over. If not I'll let Abigail know about the change of plans'

StarsSand · 06/02/2023 22:02

But definitely don't ask guests to contribute. They are already paying for their own plate and a gift. As you can see from here, many people merely tolerate baby showers. Asking people to pay another fee on top might tip them over into not being bothered.

NearlyMidnight · 06/02/2023 22:22

I expect people agreed very loosely - maybe went a long with it not wanting to sound mean. Didn't actually realise you were going to go out a buy a load of tat and they were on the hook for £20 worth of balloons! (I've certainly done that and I've seen enough threads saying similar)

These convos are often very loose - "I wouldn't mind contributing - good idea" "Yeah £20 sounds ok, yeah, I'd be up for it" Not the same as "Give me the money!". Sorry OP - I'd just cover it myself and not say anything tbh

NearlyMidnight · 06/02/2023 22:25

StarsSand - sensible advice

jackstini · 06/02/2023 22:27

Honestly - the unwanted and unhelpful opinions on here!

OP - just send your bank details and say - really appreciate you contributing to this for Xxxx. I paid deposits last month, please can you all send the agreed £20 by Wednesday so I can pay the balances? Thanks

Emmamoo89 · 06/02/2023 22:29

YANBU X

UWhatNow · 06/02/2023 22:39

If they got to pay £20, plus their own cream tea, plus travel, plus a present for the baby it may have dawned on them how costly it all is - not to mention the tacky cringe elements. Try to cut your costs and make it just a nice get together to pay on the day rather than naff games and unnecessary decorations.

fitzwilliamdarcy · 06/02/2023 23:06

Is your AIBU genuinely “AIBU to expect some people who said they’d pay me to pay me?” because… of course YANBU.

I think it’s bonkers that 20+ people are spending at least £400 between them on games, a balloon arch and a cake (and that’s before the outlay on gifts) but baby showers gonna baby shower.

LolaSmiles · 06/02/2023 23:27

fitzwilliamdarcy
Only a small group of organisers agreed to pay £20, not everyone, so it wouldn't be £400.

The other 20 guests in the main chat are just attendees and are covering their own meal and bringing a gift.

Starlitestarbright · 07/02/2023 08:15

The fact friends are expected to pay toward these things is shocking and others are going and just paying for the afternoon tea how is that fair. If the husband or her family members had anything about them they would pay for it shouldnt be down to friends. You can loads of cheap stuff from poundland, bm and homebargains

RedHelenB · 07/02/2023 09:27

I'd say that the others don't want to spend the money on decorations etc so I'd let them know you're cancelling them and it's just afternoon tea that everyone pays for. Look up some games online.

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