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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Baby shower etiquette?

122 replies

RosieWinter · 06/02/2023 18:34

I am organising a friend's baby shower with a few other friends. I've started to cost things up and they all said they were happy to contribute. However since sending over my details, the WhatsApp chat has been silent and no money has appeared in my account...

I've put another reminder message in this morning and still nothing.

At this point, am I being unreasonable/is it cheeky to just put into main event WhatsApp with all 20+ people who are invited my details and say I'd appreciate any contributions to cake/decor that can be made? I would never have taken on organising this if it was going to end up being left to my bank account alone and I really thought I could trust the people who said they would contribute! I now know I'm unreasonable to trust people will send money when they say they will... but in the meantime what course of action do you reckon I can take?

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 06/02/2023 20:15

RosieWinter · 06/02/2023 20:13

Useful insight, thanks

Show quote history

Have you sent another text like I and others have suggested OP? Sniping at people on here isn’t going to solve your problem. If you can’t get the money from your friends will the mum to be’s family be in a position to make up the difference?

ChatterMonkey · 06/02/2023 20:18

Whats the total value outstanding? ie how many people have you asked for £20 from?

drpet49 · 06/02/2023 20:23

RosieWinter · 06/02/2023 19:16

Clicking on a baby shower thread to give supercilious opinions about baby showers. Bonkers.

Show quote history

I agree. The ‘I hate baby shower twats’ are out in force tonight.

DeedlessIndeed · 06/02/2023 20:23

Right, leaving aside thoughts on baby showers, how to tackle people not paying up - I think you need to be a bit forward.

I'd call each person who agreed to contribute individually and just put them on the spot.

"Hi Jane, how are things going? Just wanted to check that you're still okay to transfer me the £20 for Julie's shower? I've got to pay off the cake by tomorrow afternoon so if you could transfer it tonight I can get it sent over"

Aim for breezy, but if you're anything like me it'll be uncomfortable regardless.

The alternatives are that you have to top up the pot with your own money, or lose your deposits. I guess just pick which one is less annoying to you!

BelleMarionette · 06/02/2023 20:25

I thought it was standard baby shower etiquette that the mum to be, or her family, pay for the party, since they will be receiving gifts from guests? I know you say gifts aren't expected, but the reality is that people will feel obliged to buy them, and times are tight for many people currently.

dudsville · 06/02/2023 20:25

Such an odd thread. OP has posted about something she's interested in, and there are complications that she looking for help with. Why the pile on to criticise something someone who isn't you doing something you don't like doing. It's like those posts about spending 1k on a handbag, of course not everyone is going to be interested in everything everyone else does. Pile ons are just weird and blinkered.

ShirleyPhallus · 06/02/2023 20:25

God MN is absolutely infuriating for these kind of pious opinions that the poster hasn’t asked for. It’s utterly irrelevant if you don’t like baby showers or balloon arches or friends or having fun in any capacity (which is basically what these threads come down to, competitive underspending of absolute misery).

The actual question was: people have offered to pay for something and now they havent. OP should have said it was charity donations for a boden event for sporty teens or something that MN would be on board with.

Anyway, i agree with the comments saying you have to chase the organising committee not the other attendees. (and to go back on my own advice, If it’s not too late though to switch, something instead of a balloon arch would be really nice as they are terrible for the environment)

Lavender14 · 06/02/2023 20:36

I agree it's maybe a little more than it needs to be, but I do think they shouldn't have agreed to contribute if they thought it was too much etc and should have made alternative suggestions at the time. If it's just the organisers who need to contribute I'd try to arrange a facetime with them to discuss plans for the day and then remind them that you need to pay the rest of the costs. If they won't meet you to do that then yes, I'd send another message and just say you need the money by x date as you can't afford to pay it all yourself and I'd say if anyone has issue with that to pm you so you know what you're working with. Ignore all the hate you're getting on here, everyone's taste and expectations are different and it sounds like you're trying to make it nice for your friend which is a lovely thing to do.

keeprunning55 · 06/02/2023 20:40

£20 is a lot of money for decorations and a cake.
I would cancel everything and just have the afternoon tea. You could play games that don’t cost money-like guess the baby with you all taking photos of yourself in as babies.
Make a cake or buy a nice one from M and S?

quickbathroombreak · 06/02/2023 20:40

Missing the point of the thread but, why do you need a cake from a baker when having afternoon tea? I had afternoon tea a couple of weeks ago, it had 5 different cake/desserts on it and scones.

itsnote · 06/02/2023 20:47

"Hi, nobody has replied to my last message and I've not received any money. We agreed £20 each and as you'll appreciate I really can't afford to cover everyone's share. Please could you transfer it asap. Thanks"

Cakecakecheese · 06/02/2023 20:48

If they definitely agreed to spend 20 quid each then they need to cough up. Send another message saying you need the money ASAP as you've put money down for deposits.

ChildcareIsBroken · 06/02/2023 20:49

How long since you put the details? When do you need the money?
If soon, then I think your idea is good. Really rude of the other organisers to ignore your messages like that. I'd maybe send one last message saying that if you don't have the money by... you won't be able to buy the things you agreed? I don't know, it's difficult to chase people like that. They shouldn't put you in this position.

Also I can't believe the number of people who came here just to tell you they hate baby showers 😂
Some of us like our friends and family and to celebrate important events with them 😂

judesxmumx · 06/02/2023 20:50

Thiswayorthatway · 06/02/2023 18:44

They’re cringy and unnecessary

I agree

Iloveacurry · 06/02/2023 20:51

Send another message saying ‘as previously agreed, please transfer ££ to account xxxxx etc by this Friday, 10 February’.

LanaCara · 06/02/2023 20:55

I'd say this is a bit of a no no asking all the attendees when it wasn't them asked in the beginning. But why wasn't it them in thr beginning, was it originally just amongst say closer friends? Ignore all the knobs on here, MNers seem to hate babyshowers so you won't get any sense x

Skyeheather · 06/02/2023 20:56

When did people agree to contribute? People have just started to receive their credit card bills for their December Christmas shopping plus their energy bills for the cold spell and Christmas period plus they've just been told there will be no more money from the Government towards emery bills and food price have gone up again.

Maybe people can't afford it anymore and are too embarrassed to say, perhaps hoping that if everyone else pays their payment won't be missed?

I would send out one final reminder to the whole group and say that if people don't pay by a certain date none of the items will be provided as you can't afford it on your own. You'll lose your deposit but next time - don't book anything until you have the money.

SleepingStandingUp · 06/02/2023 20:57

RosieWinter · 06/02/2023 18:38

That £20 each was from the small organising group, not all attendees.

So how many in the payee group Inc you?

LlynTegid · 06/02/2023 20:57

@Skyeheather sensible suggestion. Pity it may have to come to that though.

Starlitestarbright · 06/02/2023 21:10

Crazy these baby showers all for the insta likes. You can get a balloon arch from home bargains, a cake fresh from cooplands for 26 quid then get some decorations to go on top from ebay. I agree the expected mums family should be paying not guests.

PartingGift · 06/02/2023 21:14

RosieWinter · 06/02/2023 18:34

I am organising a friend's baby shower with a few other friends. I've started to cost things up and they all said they were happy to contribute. However since sending over my details, the WhatsApp chat has been silent and no money has appeared in my account...

I've put another reminder message in this morning and still nothing.

At this point, am I being unreasonable/is it cheeky to just put into main event WhatsApp with all 20+ people who are invited my details and say I'd appreciate any contributions to cake/decor that can be made? I would never have taken on organising this if it was going to end up being left to my bank account alone and I really thought I could trust the people who said they would contribute! I now know I'm unreasonable to trust people will send money when they say they will... but in the meantime what course of action do you reckon I can take?

You only messaged on the organisers group this morning, give people a chance to reply!

When does stuff need be paid for?

With stuff like this, people tend to need deadlines.

"Hey guys, hope you had a good weekend. The cake etc needs to be paid for by the 15th of Feb, so could everyone transfer me their £20 by the day before at the latest please? No one has sent me anything yet and I won't have enough in my bank account to pay for it otherwise. Any problems, please let me know"

Out of interest, how much is the cake and balloon arch? I made a balloon arch for my friends baby shower a couple of years ago, and loved making it (turns out a few of the attendees had a balloon phobia though 😳🤣).

PurpleFlower1983 · 06/02/2023 21:15

I would post saying if you don’t have the money in your bank by XXX date then you will be cancelling the cake/decorations and see what they say.

GreenIsle · 06/02/2023 21:15

I would send a message into the group and say that unfortunately nobody has sent any money to yourself as a greed and have no choice but to cancel the cake and balloon arch. Maybe it will guilt trip then a bit.

However you will only lose more money if you pay out for the items so may be best to cut yours loses regarding the deposits and explain to mum to be after if she's query's anything. What about mum to bed family members surely they want to contribute to make the day special for her.

Snugglemonkey · 06/02/2023 21:19

How much have you spent on deposits? I would probably just suck up the loss of that and cancel all the extras. You really do not cake at an afternoon tea. Or games and decorations. Would the afternoon tea not be a nice thing by itself?

ImWearingReallyJudgyPants · 06/02/2023 21:21

🤮 to baby showers, balloon arches, sashes, glasses of "fizz" and adults playing games.

Maybe the other people have also decided it's not their thing, but are too embarrassed to say, so are just not paying up? Either that, or there are more important calls on their money at the moment.