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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To have thought this date was a pretentious plonker?

78 replies

JustOneMoreBiscuitPlease · 06/02/2023 09:37

I’m finding it very therapeutic to get views on dating encounters here, so here’s another one…

His profile gave his location as ‘Kensington & Chelsea.’ After our first date he made a big thing about getting a train off in the other direction from me.

Second date he got on my train home. Said he was going to visit some friends who lived out near me. This seemed a bit odd and unlikely somehow but whatever. He was clearly interested and wanted to keep the conversation going so I didn’t question it.

On date three he revealed that actually he lived in a flat-share in the very same dull end-of-the-line suburb I live in. Said he previously lived in ‘Kensington & Chelsea’ and hadn’t got around to updating his profile yet. (So what was all the pretence about going to visit friends last time then?). When quizzed a bit more carefully, it was quite a while back that he moved. He moved because ‘the landlady went barmy’ apparently. Not sure how this would be justification for moving right out to the sticks but anyway.

For our fourth date he suggested meeting up actually in Kensington or Chelsea.
I said I’d rather not go all the way into London after a long day at work in the opposite direction and that, since we were practically neighbours, I’d be quite happy just to meet somewhere locally. He seemed reluctant but went along with it.

Then I’m afraid I ended it. What was his obsession with Kensington and Chelsea about? What other shallow pretences was he keeping up? There was evidence of a few more. And how insulting really to lie about where he lived when he knew all along it was my own hometown. I’d have been mortified if we’d ended up a couple and he’d kept up this sort of thing, falsely bigging himself up to everyone we knew and met.

Would others have found this off-putting too? Or would you have given him a chance since there are so few truly decent men out there it seems?

OP posts:
Blagdoon · 06/02/2023 09:46

He sounds like a nutter.

Lockheart · 06/02/2023 09:47

You're giving an awful lot of headspace to a man you've decided not to see again. Who cares? Just move on and stop thinking about it.

KendrickLamaze · 06/02/2023 09:48

That's a red flag plus the land lady probably didn't "go barmy", so what did he do?

workiskillingme · 06/02/2023 09:49

Sounds like Rodney off only fools and horses when he asked to be dropped off in a big posh estate !
What a plonker!

WeekendInTheBoondocks · 06/02/2023 09:49

What an odd man! Well done for binning early doors.

JustOneMoreBiscuitPlease · 06/02/2023 09:52

Lockheart · 06/02/2023 09:47

You're giving an awful lot of headspace to a man you've decided not to see again. Who cares? Just move on and stop thinking about it.

I’ve been online dating for nearly three years now. It’s getting ridiculous. I’m wondering whether I’ve been too picky and have actually failed to spot a gem somewhere. This guy was one of the better ones. And I don’t that often get as far as a fourth date.

OP posts:
EmmaEmerald · 06/02/2023 09:56

Sorry but my first thought is that he lives part time with parents, or girlfriend....in K&C.

I find myself wondering why people do/say stuff like this too.

Dontblinkatme · 06/02/2023 09:57

KendrickLamaze · 06/02/2023 09:48

That's a red flag plus the land lady probably didn't "go barmy", so what did he do?

At least he’s branched out from having six ‘crazy’ exes, two of which ‘don’t let him’ see his kids.

CluelessHamster · 06/02/2023 09:59

I'd have binned him for the lie, no matter what it was about, as it would make me suspicious of what else he could be lying about. Especially the elaborate pretence of getting the train going the opposite way.

Rainbowshine · 06/02/2023 10:00

I think it’s the deceit that bothers me most. It’s like people who might make their cv look a bit better or outright lie about what they’ve done.

CohenTree · 06/02/2023 10:01

Don't lower your standards.

SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 06/02/2023 10:03

Utterly baffled why you would entertain any conversation following the discovery that 'going to visit friends' was in fact 'going home', let alone suggest a local meet up. 😵‍💫

I think you might be falling into the common trap of feeling like if they're interested in you, you should be interested in them.

He'd have been in the bin at 'making a big thing of going the other way' for me.

I am wondering, genuinely nicely, not being mean, whether some self-reflection on why you tolerated it as far as you did would be a good investment. Doesn't sound like the worst guy that ever existed but definitely a while load of head mess right there.

SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 06/02/2023 10:04

Sorry just read your post that, he was one of the better ones... That's depressing isn't it, but explains why you didn't quit easily.

OneGoodThing · 06/02/2023 10:14

'barmy landlady' = previous girlfriend who lived in a flatshare in Shepherd's Bush but kicked him out five years ago

JustOneMoreBiscuitPlease · 06/02/2023 10:14

Rainbowshine · 06/02/2023 10:00

I think it’s the deceit that bothers me most. It’s like people who might make their cv look a bit better or outright lie about what they’ve done.

Oh heavens yes. No way would I judge a date because they didn’t live in a prestigious area. Only if they’d claimed they did and didn’t. Totally different thing.

OP posts:
JustOneMoreBiscuitPlease · 06/02/2023 10:16

OneGoodThing · 06/02/2023 10:14

'barmy landlady' = previous girlfriend who lived in a flatshare in Shepherd's Bush but kicked him out five years ago

😆😆

OP posts:
pristinesurfacesGBTD · 06/02/2023 10:20

helpful - not !

DanseAvecLesLoup · 06/02/2023 10:20

Rainbowshine · 06/02/2023 10:00

I think it’s the deceit that bothers me most. It’s like people who might make their cv look a bit better or outright lie about what they’ve done.

I get that your online dating profile is in part a shop window and needs to be interesting so I am not going to get too uptight over some minor embellishments but some of the outright bullshit I have encountered in the past was something else. I just don't get it, why waste everyone's time??

Dibbydoos · 06/02/2023 10:21

How sad society is that we have to big ourselves up.

So he used a lure to get a date but then didn't cough up until several dates in. Sad man.

Online dating apps are full of sad people just looking for a hook up and a smaller number of genuine people who as you say get lost in the chaff.

Could you get into a local pub scene? You'll def meet people and maybe meet someone?

I met my hubby in a mobile phone shop. He served me. My friends say I went in a shop to buy a phone and came out with a hubby 🤣🤣🤣 Point is you never know where you'll meet your partner...

JustOneMoreBiscuitPlease · 06/02/2023 10:21

Blagdoon · 06/02/2023 09:46

He sounds like a nutter.

You must be right actually as I just found this guy on FB and he has now changed his name. He used to be called Olly Something and now he’s called Sam Something Else (I don’t even care if I out this one). Same pics and everything so I’m guessing he wasn’t given a new identity by a witness protection programme.

OP posts:
pristinesurfacesGBTD · 06/02/2023 10:21

JustOneMoreBiscuitPlease · 06/02/2023 10:16

😆😆

this sounds more like it !

I know someone who lives wedged between Hammersmith & Shepherds Bush - 'but it's practically Holland Park' !!

LadyWithLapdog · 06/02/2023 10:25

He sounds immature. What I’d expect someone from The Inbetweeners to do.

JudgeJ · 06/02/2023 10:28

workiskillingme · 06/02/2023 09:49

Sounds like Rodney off only fools and horses when he asked to be dropped off in a big posh estate !
What a plonker!

I wonder if it was the Kensington and Chelsea location that was attractive to the OP in the first place??

Clarinet1 · 06/02/2023 10:29

Sounds to me as though, if you’d pursued him further, either he would have made a great fuss about you keeping up his pretences (holiday in Bali when you really went to Bognor) or he would have lied to you about all sorts else (other women, gambling, drugs…….) neither of which are good ways to live. I think you were right to steer clear!

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 06/02/2023 10:31

Yup off putting! Id dump too...

I had a colleague many years ago... Who would take photographs of a posh house WITH HER... So she could boast of her (entirely fictional, rich) life to randomers....

I found this baffling.... I don't think ive ever said more than i live near London /Oxfordshire... Never spoken about type of place i live in...

Also I'd actively avoid anyone showing me pics of 'their' 🤣 house!