Naturally dramatic life - unworthy of friendship?

[SparklingBalls]

This is coming off the back off a few threads I've been reading across MN, and yes, I am a long-term poster and have NCed for this.

My life has always involved drama. For the most part I had nothing to do with why - abusive home, sexual abuse as a teen and young adult including multiple rapes, homelessness brought on by shitty friendships and lack of relatives who to this day give a shit, relationship abuse followed by single mum pregnancy, abusive marriage including an attempt on my life through him, escape from this, now financial difficulties.

I know that people always say that drama attracts drama, but honestly, I'd love nothing more than a simple life. Very little of my life drama is of my own making (suicide attempts and OCD-related disorders may be, but stem from childhood trauma, which won't cease to rear its ugly head despite meds and therapy), but the main thing in my life is, I am being constantly shat on from a great height.

I have always tried to do the right thing, got a job, got promotions, kept the kids, supported them as a single mum. I have tried again and again to build up friendships and relationships, but the continuous onslaught of shit happening in my life drives them all away. I try to stay upbeat; I have tons of gallow's humour; it is hard. But it seems I am doomed, not just through more shit happening by the month, but also by lack of friends, family, anyone.

On here people always say that it's people's own fault if their life is dramatic. But mine could fill several soap operas without me trying.

It pushes people away, I guess. So my AIBU - is it me, is it always people who are dramatic who have dramatic lives?

Ok, yep, agreed. Let me qualify my point. I would absolutely love to talk with you about interior decoration, wallpaper design and vintage markets - because it's what's on your mind and makes you animated and 'present.'

It's the soulless conversations i'm talking about, their kids trip to the dentist where you can see the other person doesn't actually care about what they're saying, and would desperately like to be telling someone about their health concerns, but doesn't want to bother anyone. That's the masking bit for me.

Sorry, post above was meant to be a follow on from MarieRoseMarie

And for what it's worth OP, I do think you've been unfortunate enough to have a fair load of crap happen in your life. Hugs x

Something "bigger" like that happen once every few months. Most of the time their lives are the mundane struggles we all face - long days at work with family to look after the rest of the time, the normal wtf at the prices we are all seeing right now. Their weekends are filled with everyday things.

Youre making an assumption about other people's lives that could be missing the vital truth - they may well have bad things happen to them, they just don't mention it.

and minimising things that could be going on in other people's lives - "most of the time their lives ...." is basically saying they've got it so much better than me. That isn't a health thought pattern.

there is a lot of unhelpful comparison and one upmanship on this thread "people who don't have drama in their lives get scared off and can't cope with hearing about our struggles". Um no, people don't expect what they thought was a friendship to turn into a series of therapy sessions. They aren't trained counsellors and may feel uncomfortable with too much information that they can't do anything with. That's very different to not being a good friend.

I agree with you because I hate “small talk” but love hobby chat and learning what people love.

the thing is, if I’m telling you about a vintage market I went to and you are just clearly not listening because you are desperate to tell me about your chronic illness, that will also be annoying. I’ll go find a friend who wants to go to a vintage market instead. If she says “Look, I have a chronic illness so won’t be able to go on X day or Y day”, that’s fine. Or if she has to cancel or reschedule because she’s feeling low, that’s fine. Over time, I’ll learn more about the illness naturally and we’ve created a friendship based on shared interests and fun.

Not a friendship where we meet up and someone just vents about a chronic illness. Sorry!

The OP is very insistent on this thread that her life is worse than everyone else’s and no one is suffering like her.

Nobody likes someone who a one-upper and has always gone to “eleven-irife”. If she’s not listening and is constantly insisting to other people that her gate blowing down or her roof leaking or her child getting chicken pox is so much more serious than everyone else’s then I can see why nobody wants to be friends with her.

I don’t get that impression @MarieRoseMarie
If you have had an unhappy childhood, it can make you feel ‘apart’. It can be quite lonely.

But if you read the OP’s posts, she is talking about things that happen now: chicken pox, leaky roofs etc.

I understand to her it may feel worse but … it’s not! It’s just life. She cannot stop minimising other people’s life issues. it’s telling that’s she’s not really engaging with anyone’s points, just endlessly repeating her own case.

I stand by the fact that if I encountered this attitude in normal conversation, not on mumsnet, I’d get pissed off. Someone always insisting or behaving as if their life is worse than mine would be incredibly annoying.

I think that if, as a result of trauma you live your life in constant fight or flight then everything can seem like a drama, or conversely some people underreact and present as non reactive and passive to events and occurrences that require a bit more urgency. I've seen this pattern in people as well.

I have friends who've bemoaned the fact they have to fork out £8k of their savings for say a knee op privately as the NHS can't do it expediently enough. That's their "drama", I have to smile politely and nod as I've ever been in a position to have that amount in savings. In my younger years in part due to being reckless with cash but largely due to never having had any financial support whatsoever from my parents despite them having huge savings, my mum in particular as she inherited from a rich childless aunt as well as her own parents. They've seen me struggle but never helped.

The lack of care and support from them over the years (emotional, practical and financial) does eat away at me but no one aside from h would ever know it. I keep it very private.

Thing is that I've known people with lots of dramas in their lives but they go about it in different ways.
I remember a friend of dh's: he could have you in stitches at a description of how he was blue lighted from an ordinary appointment the dentist. Even how he told overhearing a nurse say he wouldn't survive this episode he could tell it in a way that was very funny.
He didn't often talk about himself even though his life was filled with things like the above.

Then other people it's all they talk about. I suspect we've all known someone for whom they never have tummy ache-it's suspected appendicitis; their dm doesn't have an ordinary doctor's appointment-they're dying; they haven't dropped a plate of food-it's a catastrophic explosion in their kitchen etc.

Now that sort of person can be fine to be around, although possibly in small doses . However I would think that most people need to know the person first before they are okay with that behaviour. I mean, I've a friend who sometimes messages with dramatics (she wouldn't mind me calling it that) and I'll normally try and help pick things up. That's because we have a relationship that I know in good times for her she'll be there for me and we can have a good laugh together.

@MarieRoseMarie
Yes I agree. But I don’t think that’s the case here. Having a shitty childhood somehow marks you, you always feel less than others, I think that’s what the op feels. I’m not sure though.

Everyone’s pain and experiences are valid.

OP I will admit I haven't had time to read all the responses so I may be covering things already said, apologies, but I wanted to go with my gut reaction from what you originally posted.
IMO none of what you describe is "drama" well at least my interpretation of it. What you describe is early childhood trauma and abuse and the longterm impact of that. I think we are far more aware now of the negative impact of childhood trauma they talk about impact of adverse childhood experiences and how this can effect a child's development and future life chances. Many child and adolescent services now practice trauma informed care to better support and treat children. You would have missed out on all this and did not get the right help at the right time and how you function as an adult is due to your childhood traumas. From what you have said you sound extremely resilient and have coped well with what was thrown at you. Many people in your circumstances would have turned to drugs or alcohol to deal with and cope with their abuse but you have fought on. When I think of drama I think of people who are the opposite who can't cope with anything and make a big drama out of the tiniest issue.
I am sorry life has been so tough and I am sorry that it is difficult to maintain friendships but none of that is your fault, people are often unable to cope with or want to deal with the issues you describe, it's often easier to walk away then support the person but that's their issue not yours.
I hope you get a break and I hope you find good people that can support you for a change.

I don’t doubt that the OP feels like she is different. I’m just pointing out to the person on the other side, it just feels like she is just invalidating their experiences.