Naturally dramatic life - unworthy of friendship?

[SparklingBalls]

This is coming off the back off a few threads I've been reading across MN, and yes, I am a long-term poster and have NCed for this.

My life has always involved drama. For the most part I had nothing to do with why - abusive home, sexual abuse as a teen and young adult including multiple rapes, homelessness brought on by shitty friendships and lack of relatives who to this day give a shit, relationship abuse followed by single mum pregnancy, abusive marriage including an attempt on my life through him, escape from this, now financial difficulties.

I know that people always say that drama attracts drama, but honestly, I'd love nothing more than a simple life. Very little of my life drama is of my own making (suicide attempts and OCD-related disorders may be, but stem from childhood trauma, which won't cease to rear its ugly head despite meds and therapy), but the main thing in my life is, I am being constantly shat on from a great height.

I have always tried to do the right thing, got a job, got promotions, kept the kids, supported them as a single mum. I have tried again and again to build up friendships and relationships, but the continuous onslaught of shit happening in my life drives them all away. I try to stay upbeat; I have tons of gallow's humour; it is hard. But it seems I am doomed, not just through more shit happening by the month, but also by lack of friends, family, anyone.

On here people always say that it's people's own fault if their life is dramatic. But mine could fill several soap operas without me trying.

It pushes people away, I guess. So my AIBU - is it me, is it always people who are dramatic who have dramatic lives?

On the gallows humour front - I have a dark sense of humour myself, but it's not for everyone. It won't come across as remotely upbeat to a lot of people.

I don't know if it helps any, but I much prefer to engage with people who understand that life can be messy. They seem strangely incomplete to me. I find it a useful yardstick of assessing someone's personality if they can accept without blinking that my mum and sister are estranged.

If they're the sort of person that thinks that it's impossible for a mum to be estranged from their daughter, then I have no time to educate them or to mask the messy parts of my life.

This is such a helpful and wise post.
Try to empathise with others Op and how they might feel about your disclosures

They are at baby group/ playdate etc
Why would you "dump" your trauma onto someone in these settings ?
It's inappropriate
I say this btw as someone who had ACE .
It's a very hard lesson to learn and one I have learned myself.

Our friends aren’t skilled therapists or our emotional skips
This

Stop caring what people think and looking after other people. You’ve got to look after yourself and tend to your own feelings. If you feel sad, feel sad. Don’t plaster on a smile for others.

No gallows humour - that’s just denial, pushing your sad/angry/‘negative’ feelings away in favour of being acceptable to other people. You’ve got to feel it to heal it. There’s no such thing as negative btw - allowing yourself to feel whatever you feel is key to healing and being able to move forward and stop attracting the bad stuff.

Listen to Abraham Hicks (loads on YouTube - search Abraham hicks + people pleasing, might be a good place to start). Sounds utterly batty to begin with but go with it, google any terms you don’t understand.

No one will understand, people will try to keep you happy and upbeat - ignore them. You’re better off going through a period alone to heal and work out what you really want in life. Then you’ll start to attract the good things, because you’ll say no to those situations that force your grief to rise up (because you will have felt your grief it won’t be there pulling you towards catharsis) and you’ll say yes to things that truly bring you joy. (at the moment you’re probably subconsciously looking for ways for your grief to come out, so you attract more and more bad situations/relationships until those feelings have been felt).

Prioritise your joy above all else, even when that means going into a cave to let yourself cry.

It works! I promise. I had a similar background to you - lots of stuff, not my fault, couldn’t get going in relationships, felt like I had to hide my real feelings to be socially acceptable.

If they're the sort of person that thinks that it's impossible for a mum to be estranged from their daughter, then I have no time to educate them or to mask the messy parts of my life.

You make it sound like you think you're superior to them. Be aware that you might come across like that in real life.

I had a similar background to you - lots of stuff, not my fault, couldn’t get going in relationships, felt like I had to hide my real feelings to be socially acceptable

The thing here is that your feelings,are yours,no-one else's.
Why would you subject others to your feelings when they have just had a restless night with their baby and are at baby group for a much needed break?
This is something for you to work through and deal with until such time that you can deal with social situations.

I have to say I really dislike this 'us and them' outlook that some people have.

'Our lives are so alien to them it scares them' is an extremely patronising thing to say about a human who, by virtue of simply being human, has a rich and varied life experience. This in itself pushes people away so much.

People are not 'scared' of your trauma. They just need a reason to want to develop a friendship with you - that means you have to give something to them first of all. If you are venting about all of your problems and your awful life, what are you giving to the other person to make them want to be your friend?

Hi OP, ‘Drama’ makes it sounds like it’s a fun, interesting gossip but it’s actually trauma and the way it’s affected you, and caused a chain of effects and events in your life.

Bad experiences growing up could mean any number of knock on effects; low self esteem, low self image, disorders like OCD, unconsciously and unwittingly seeking relationships (romantic or friendships) with people who are not good for you in some way, as your homelife growing up was unstable & abusive, and that is what is familiar to you.

It’s a series of connected events; you grew up in an abusive home and experienced trauma, which has had an effect on your brain chemistry, your behaviour and self image, you seek out connections based on what you unconsciously believe you deserve or what looks familiar, you were in an abusive marriage and then experienced financial difficulty, friends distance themselves because it all seems like it stems from you.

It is not a conscious fault of yours.
It’s not because you are a bad person. It’s not cos you are unlucky in some way and it’s not coincidence. It’s because your past trauma and experiences have shaped you in a lot of ways that you may need help with to recognise and break the cycles, from professional help and support.

I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. My experiences are not the same but I understand the feeling of ‘why does this drama always happen to me?’

Hi OP, what a life story you have. I'm sorry it happened and completely get it rears it's ugly head and this is affecting you.

If people are judging you cos the person who gave birth to you died and you didnt spend time with her, that's on them, not you.

Do you want to write a book about your life? There's a young guy on fb reels that was abused by his step grandad and then found our after his dad committedcsuicide, his dad was also abused by tgexsame person. He helps people write their stories. This could help you in 2 main ways, additoonal income and exposure of those who treated you badly etc. It will likely be both harrowing, reliving the events, but cathartic.

It's your choice, but you are not at fault about what's happened to you. Sadly talking to others about it can be a weight on some people, hence why yiu may find it difficult to make friends, so Google how to make friends and follow the guidance. Practice by yourself so yiu get tge intonation and speed of saying things right.

Best of luck, you deserve a break xxx

I'm plenty aware, haha.

But I don't require people to have experienced similar things to me, just to be the sort of person who understands the very thing that others have said - that other people have rich and complex lives with different experiences that shape them.

And I'm not very interested in the type of person who doesn't understand that. There's plenty of people who do to be friends with - I don't feel like I'm missing out by not having friends like that.

I know it sounds weak but am so sorry for the trauma you've experienced op. I'm so boundaried about what I talk to people about I probably might come across as cagey and aloof, however I've learnt the hard way about oversharing. .. I'm fortunate in that I have some amazing close friends but those friendships have grown organically over time and I'm very reluctant to share too much of myself as I inherently don't trust people.

I don't want to be a therapist/counsellor in my spare time. I will support my very close friends, H and kids but I'm guarded with my family as they've not only not supported me in difficult times they've actively avoided it and made out I'm the problem. Recently a local acquaintance has over disclosed to a number of people and as a result they've all backed off so she's feeling abandoned again. You have to contain some conversations to within the therapy room.

I've also developed an amazing sense of freedom by not becoming too attached to friends. I see them for things we mutually enjoy, theatre etc but I have no emotional attachment. That makes me sound cold but I'm not, I just don't want to have to deal with any messy relational dynamics unnecessarily.

I think it's also worth remembering that many other people have difficulty in their lives.
That "boring Brenda" at baby group might be there to escape from her nasty husband or financial difficulties.
She might need that group just to forget it for a couple of hours per week.
Unfortunately one time my office colleagues got caught up in something as the Police called my work phone .
Awful and not something I would usually discuss or want in the work environment.
The next day one colleague quietly left a bunch of tulips and a card on my desk.
She had experienced something similar, I had no idea.
We know nothing about other peoples lives really.

I think people whose behaviour truly is “dramatic”, say through BPD etc are best off finding groups of similarly minded friends. I say this because I once entered joined a hobby club that seemed to consist of a friendship group of very chaotic people. There was lots of mental illness, suicide threats, affairs, addictions etc. Terrible boundaries all round but lots and lots of acceptance for inappropriate behaviour and “trauma”. Boundaries were so bad that there was a seemingly unending amount of sexual assault. It was pretty lefty liberal, so there was also lots of calling out for sexual harassment/assault. Endless “call outs” and “call ins”. It got tiresome almost immediately and I left quick. They seemed very happy though.

On the other hand, some people are not “dramatic” but instead are so distanced from reality that it’s actually unnerving to speak to them. There’s a thread currently running with a woman whose husband got arrested for drunk driving - four times over the limit. Crashed into a tree. Already been banned once. She has four kids. She is completely under reacting because this is her reality. This is normal to her. To the rest of us, it’s crazy. Some people in the thread are getting quite angry at her. People shrugging their shoulders at things others find reprehensible makes people wonder why you aren’t appalled and if you really think this behaviour is fine too.

for e.g., if someone talked very casually about CSA, it would make me more suspicious of their partner because it would make me think they would be more likely to have CSA in their own home (and the data bears this out).

sorry if that seems harsh.

Self awareness is the key really isn't it. You don't want to spend time with people you can't share with and they don't want to spend time with people who do. Neither is right, neither is wrong.

It's also give and take. For example, off loading about your shit marriage is fine as long as you don't get offended when someone mentions something nice they did with their husband.

How old are you, OP? I think as people age and mature they get more and more careful about who they choose as friends because they are less interested in taking on people's emotional baggage. I know that sounds horrible, but most people over the age of 40 just want 'sorted', uncomplicated friends. Can you be one of those?

When I was in my late teens, all the way through to my mid 30s, I made friends easily. Among those friends were people with mental health issues, abuse issues, relationship issues and personality disorders and I spent years supporting and learning from them. But a lot of them were quite transactional relationships, where my job was to listen or assist, and gradually as I got older I got tired of the constant calls on my energy and sympathy and put distance between us. I have perhaps six close friends, people I can be myself with, and we have a good balance. None of us asks or expects much in the way of help or emotional support from each other: we support each other but we're not dependent.

About six months ago I encountered an interesting woman at a group I attend. We hit it off in the group, where the conversation is fast and sparky and upbeat, and have gone on to meet each other one to one for coffee and dog-walking. She's not long out of a really bad marriage and her two sons have a myriad of psycho-social issues and they, quite understandably, form the basis of her conversation. I change subjects and try and lighten the tone but time after time she brings it back to her boys and ex-husband. I'm really torn, because I can see that she needs to offload in order to come through her bad experiences get to the other side. But I'm 60-ish and I've done my fair share of support friendships. I just want some intelligent conversation, someone to talk music or books or politics with. I'm very sorry for the clearly awful time she's going through with her children, but I don't want to be involved. I've cut our contact to a dog walk each week: walking seems to make it easier to listen and we get distracted by other people.

Perhaps this is why you're finding it difficult, OP. I think trauma seeps through and it can be quite off-putting. I don't know what you do except try to be aware of it and focus on being in the moment instead of being dragged back to the past.

A lot of PPs judging people for not wanting to talk about trauma, assuming they're sheltered from trauma or in denial about trauma, but @MichelleScarn raises a good point... I spend so much of my own life in therapy, doing inner work, being in recovery etc. So when I meet up with someone to have fun or talk about the other things life offers (books, music, hobbies, current affairs) I want to do just that – have pure positive fun.

It's totally fine to confide and share, but only with the right friendship, or right time and place.

Interestingly my best friend is the one I talk to the less about our traumas.
And we only started talking about them after 3 years of knowing each other.
It just became a mutual agreement that we want to talk about happy things, that we’re not defined by our traumas in a way.

I enjoy my other friendships equally because we do fun things, and it makes me feel happy and ‘normal’.

With my best friends we will share if there is a specific event, but not everyday struggles, we know we have them, and it becomes really depressing after a while.

Lots of people have had plenty of drama, but they don't broadcast it to everyone. I don't understand people who do that.

"the constant onslaught of shit that happens" (which you take no ownership of or responsibilty for, as if you didn't make all of those choices as an adult yourself) is not what other people ant to deal with. People make choices to minimise drama and shit ion their lives, not invite it in from others.

And the point of the girls night out kind of just for one night at least forgetting about the shit stuff isn’t it ?

Work colleagues are definitely a no.

TW

And honestly, even the few friends I confided in about SA (again, after several years), apart from my best friend who had herself experienced trauma, didn’t really have much to say apart from ‘I m so sorry’… I didn’t take it personally, I mean I’m unsure what else they could have said ? I said I was having therapy to process so not to worry, it just felt like a stage in the relationship where I could share such an important event in my life ( I ended up terminating, I still have mixed feelings about it), but that’s about it. And I felt comfortable talking children at this point, so not to worry about tiptoeing around me. But terminating and SA were still sensitive subjects for me ( not that we’d ever really discussed them). And if I went isolated mode at Christmas that was why, and I didn’t expect them to ‘carry me through it’

As for Brenda in the baby group, honestly that’s kind of the worst place to bring up parents biggest fears, but maybe you could have said, you know I had a bit of a tough upbringing at this time (mentioning why is a bit much in a baby’s group), I’m a bit worried about making mistakes about my baby, would you have any tips ?
You never know, you may have found the others would have rallied around with you with little tips.

Im sorry if I sound judgmental, I’m really not, I went through the same phase

I've finally had the time to read through all of this, apologies for the late response.

To answer a few comments.
Yes, I fully take responsibility for what happens in my life - as long as those things are my fault.

I knew living in a dodgy area would lead to issues when all I had was £300pcm on rent and got out of one as soon as I earned more money, but that I got burgled was not my fault.
I ended abusive relationships (some earlier than others - when I had regained independence) but getting strangled and raped weren't my fault.
I raised my firstborn and created a loving, responsible character who is top of their class and I do take credit for that, and I did so without much help and support, but while getting pregnant at one of the "worst" points this could have happened was my fault, being subsequently cheated on and made homeless by my so-called partner wasn't.

I have done multiple therapies, CBT, taken SSRIs and have become a stronger person as a result. And from a shallow perspective my life is "sorted" - I am a homeowner, successful in my job with multiple, strong promotions into leadership, my kids are amazing and well-liked by their peers and teachers and I mostly have my shit together. BUT my life is never calm, there is always another blow around the corner, as it is for most people, but somehow my blows are always bigger ones and tend to hit at the worst times. Like a huge financial blow right after a big purchase (say, a boiler going bust in mid-winter just after almost all my savings went on replacing my old car, or interest rates increasing just before I managed to get a mortgage).

I don't overshare, no. In fact, I'm careful not to, but sometimes you cannot help give a bit of context.

How much drama my friends have doesn't necessarily matter to me - I've had some weird fucked up shit happen too, and trading gallows humour over a couple drinks is fun.

I did have to distance myself from one friend (who fair enough, had some trauma) who would constantly be blowing up my phone or visiting to rant about friendship drama or the fact her sister was the parents favourite - like, wanting me to help analyse the tone of someone's text message. She also wanted to see me every day which was just too much when she was often so negative - I like days where I just chill, thanks.

Hey OP. I’ve experienced a lot of trauma. There have been some excellent posts already which I won’t repeat.

What sticks out for me now, from your recent post, is that you’re focusing on saying things like this: “but somehow my blows are always bigger ones and tend to hit at the worst times” and not responding to any of the posts about how trauma distorts your personality and relationships, and leads to disruption on what is often an unconscious or subconscious level.

No, you’re still telling us the same story about how you have it worse and people don’t understand and are blaming you. That might be something of a clue.

Healthy people with good boundaries don’t form friendships to bring chaos into their lives. After you’ve formed a strong bond, some support might be reasonable to expect. But it takes some social and relational skill to navigate.

Another really difficult thing I had to work through in therapy is that my past made me vulnerable to abusive relationships. No, someone else’s actions are not your fault. But there are vulnerabilities in your system - missing boundaries, alarms that don’t trip - that mean you’re vulnerable to people like that in a way others aren’t. It’s not fair that any of your, or my, trauma happened. It’s not fair that I had to spend thousands on private therapy. But if you are carrying unresolved trauma, it can bring chaos into everything - how could it not affect your social relationships too?

I think it’s sad (but understandable with unresolved trauma) that you have taken the insights shared as personal criticism and feel the need to become defensive when no one said anything was your fault.

You have done brilliantly to work your way out of difficult social, practical and financial situations with pure grit and determination.

However you currently are stuck emotionally (not your fault) and would recommend getting EMDR and/or trauma informed therapy as this would change your stance / approach to people which currently is understandably slightly “off” and jarring as evidenced by your response to this thread.

Op, you sound as though you are still in active trauma.

When someone has been through prolonged abuse, short term therapy won't work.

I saw a Counsellor for the first time at 33 and I had my last session yesterday at 49.

I have gone through everything I've felt and experienced with her.

I have had the same friends for 20+ years. I was only able to share my experiences with them in the last two years. Even then it is in very short bursts.

I wouldn't find talking to unqualified people helpful at all. They are likely just to mirror my feelings and feel traumatised too.

I hope you can get help and move on. I will take SSRIs for ever now. I think long term abuse changes our brains and I would recommend that as a 'quick win' for you.

I don’t really understand. Why would interest rates increasing before you get a mortgage be something that specifically happened to you rather than to a huge percentage of the population?

Why would this need to be “dramatic”? Surely most people you know would be in the same situation.