Naturally dramatic life - unworthy of friendship?

[SparklingBalls]

This is coming off the back off a few threads I've been reading across MN, and yes, I am a long-term poster and have NCed for this.

My life has always involved drama. For the most part I had nothing to do with why - abusive home, sexual abuse as a teen and young adult including multiple rapes, homelessness brought on by shitty friendships and lack of relatives who to this day give a shit, relationship abuse followed by single mum pregnancy, abusive marriage including an attempt on my life through him, escape from this, now financial difficulties.

I know that people always say that drama attracts drama, but honestly, I'd love nothing more than a simple life. Very little of my life drama is of my own making (suicide attempts and OCD-related disorders may be, but stem from childhood trauma, which won't cease to rear its ugly head despite meds and therapy), but the main thing in my life is, I am being constantly shat on from a great height.

I have always tried to do the right thing, got a job, got promotions, kept the kids, supported them as a single mum. I have tried again and again to build up friendships and relationships, but the continuous onslaught of shit happening in my life drives them all away. I try to stay upbeat; I have tons of gallow's humour; it is hard. But it seems I am doomed, not just through more shit happening by the month, but also by lack of friends, family, anyone.

On here people always say that it's people's own fault if their life is dramatic. But mine could fill several soap operas without me trying.

It pushes people away, I guess. So my AIBU - is it me, is it always people who are dramatic who have dramatic lives?

what do you mean by you "kept the kids"?

That is the one phrase in your OP that really stands out as something that might alienate people, possibly, because its really hard to see what you mean. It sounds almost like not keeping them was an option, and then people are going to wonder why, and also what is your attitude to them, if you through "keeping the kids" in with getting a job etc

That is the one really jarring note in the OP for me, nothing else sticks out as particularly unusual, unmanageable or likely to alienate people in general

You've certainly had a rubbish run. It doesn't necessarily mean you're 'dramatic'. Maybe you need to take time to process the complex trauma you've had so that you can stop blaming yourself.

You deserve friendship, of course you do. Ask for a referral for therapy, talking therapy or group therapy.

Try to focus on valuing yourself and your internal locus of control, as you have been a victim and had many experiences that followed but stem from things outwith your control. If you work on your self worth and moving on you might find you can feel more worthy of love and friendship and start processing your trauma. You can have another chance.

I completely agree. I had to learn to be my own friend. I did not feel loved as a child. The most helpful thing I did was to stop feeling sorry for myself, and resentful of people who had loving parents, and start respecting myself, and my feelings. It’s ok for me to be me. It’s ok that I feel this way.
How do you feel about yourself? Friends can be there for you, but essentially we have to get through the moments and the days on our own.
Do you accept yourself? Accept what has happened to you?

I would start with trying to have a positive relationship with yourself. I am so sorry for what you went through. I hope you find some kind of peace.

I have sometimes that people who have had really difficult times (no judgement, I am one) can be kinda superior

like they think that your difficulties with finding a childminder are nothing compared to their experiences overall

and they’re actually not, there’s no shame in it

bit it can be hard to talk to people who have experienced a lot or have as much depth because you feel a bit lame bitching about the neighbours kid who runs up and down the road at all hours

that’s not to blwme
you or anything and you are deserving of friendships and I hope you find some long term ones
nust my experience

People find other people's pain and trauma uncomfortable and I suspect there is a suspicion eventually by others that it's somehow their 'fault'. Which is 100% unfair, but I do think it happens.

There is. Just Universe Fallacy. We all do it, subconsciously, even though we know it rationally isn't true. It probably had an evolutionary purpose at some point.

I share some of your experiences:

• abuse and bullying in childhood and teenage years
• as a result I moved to a new country and went no contact with all my relatives
• long term health condition (this could have been corrected in childhood but part of the historical neglect meant I wasn't properly looked after when it came to my medical needs) which means chronic pain
• needing a lot of therapy because of the above
• also needed several major surgeries
• was a victim of ID fraud when some people stole mail from our building.
• life got better as I got older and then I was sexually assaulted by a friend of 5 years...
• I lost most of my ''friends'' and acquaintances when therapy finally meant I was able to put better boundaries in place and realised most of them did not really care about me.

I never asked for any of that ''drama'' and I certainly don't enjoy it. I would love to have had a decent start in life, a normal family, friends and no major health crisis but this is the hand life has dealt me.

To the people who claim the OP might be making ''terrible decisions'':

• I managed to get back into education as an adult and got a university degree
• I got into the workplace and got myself up to senior managerial positions
• Never got myself in debt and managed to buy my own home
• don't use alcohol or drugs and follow a healthy diet
• I did my best to learn about healthy relationships. The friend who assaulted me had been in my life for 5 years before this happened and had never been anything but caring until then (which it seems was all a pretence)
• I rarely complain about my ''issues'' and never burden friends with them.

Yet, in spite of all my attempts to live a calm life, trouble has followed and I don't have any close and reliable friends.

My point is OP, you should not feel that you are necessarily responsible for the ''drama''.

If people can only cope with those who have ''perfect'', mundane life and will judge you as a result, you don't want to be around them anyway.

I have learned to be happy in my own company.

I still wish I had friends and am open to socialising but I no longer blame myself or worry there is something ''wrong'' with me if people don't want to interact with me and turn down my offers of friendship.

Have you ever had good counselling? To examine your poor boundaries. Unfortunately your childhood was so abusive, you don't have the good foundations that result in good self esteem, worth, good personal boundaries. A counsellor can at least try to help. So you are at least more aware. Most people are inherently selfish and just can't be bothered with another person if it is just one drama after another.

I also think gallows humour can also be tricky. It would be relatively normal for friends to mention that they’ve gone NC with a family member and say “well at least it’s one less Christmas present to buy”. A lot less normal would be if they are in a physically abusive relationship and say “well at least if he kills me I won’t need to worry about Christmas presents to buy”. The latter response would have me backing off from the friendship to be honest.

Agree @MiddleParking so it's OK to be derogatory and dismissive and naming someone as 'boring Brenda' but at the same time be annoyed that they're not being the supporting friend you want?

8

When people ask what've you been up to I find the best thing often to say is 'oh not much, what about you?'. Being totally honest with people who you have not yet built up a really good friendship with is not really necessary. Keep your private life private until you have built a friendship and trust up with them and then you can slowly tell them the heavier stuff and see how they react. You have to be careful not to become too emotionally dependent on people though as that's not good for either of you. Use a counsellor to off load to rather than friends.

I'd imagine that all the horrendous things you have been through will have had a profound effect, the OCD and suicide attempts - have you been diagnosed with anything? PTSD or BPD perhaps? Getting a diagnosis might help you understand why you struggle so much with certain things and why they affect you the way they do. You also need to feel supported, you've been through hell, it sounds like you're constantly dealing with difficult situations and trying to put a brave face on it all - you need continued support. I definitely think you need someone to talk to about how you move forward from all this and how you build up a healthy support network.

You're a survivor OP, that's obvious, but everyone needs help and support. Make sure you look after yourself.

A lot of valuable insight and life experience on this thread.

I have had a traumatic upbringing which has left me with emotional resilience deficits that have impacted / hijacked other areas of my life at random times.

I learnt about being “emotionally leaky” and how this both repelled some and attracted dodgy / flaky others. I learned to contain this leakiness to therapy and very specific settings.

I look now at most friendships as acquaintances for short term shallow fun - I have a couple of trusted long term friends who occasionally I will open up to - but I want to preserve these.

I look at my trauma as a chronic disease / illness - I manage it myself and with my therapist - like you would with a Dr - I wouldn’t be interested in knowing and seeing a blow by blow account of an open wound or disease up close and personal all the time - as I can’t cure it or really comfort it.

I am just looking for light hearted interactions which are really valuable in getting you through the moment. Our friends aren’t skilled therapists or our emotional skips.

It doesn't 'seem dramatic' though to be raped as a teen as OP has. It is totally traumatic and most people have little idea how to handle other people's (especially those they don't know well) terrible trauma. Often the reason people like this seem to attract 'the wrong sort' is because they have poor boundaries, low expectations and low self esteem due to all the horrendous things they have been though. No one has shown them what healthy, functional, kind, respectful love looks like.'The wrong sort' looks for exactly those vulnerabilities.

And compared to all the horrendous things the OP has been through why wouldn't Boring Brenda's Baby be a highlight compared to all that? The thing is you shouldn't have to hold back your experiences - but you should be sharing them with the appropriate people at appropriate times. Of course baby group is not the places to be talking about your appalling childhood abuse. It's about healthy boundaries and understanding what's appropriate.

People (even those with the potential to be good friends) get fed up of the drama and eventually they just want to meet with friends who are stable - unless they themselves are into drama, but, when drama meets drama this tends not to work out either as there are now two people in the scenario filling the conversation with drama and not really listening to the other person.

With the drama-filled 'friend' I recently released myself from it was a relief to not have to see her or hear 'all of her shit' ever again. Her drama was relentless and tbh I'm not convinced that she was entirely the innocent party all of the time, no one ever is.

Most people have some level of shit going on at any given time, but we don't need to let it all hang out or dramatise every situation (I'm not saying you're doing that OP but just something to be conscious of)

There's 'being there' for a friend going through a rough patch, and then there's drama drama that is endless, it becomes exhausting and for the sake of my own mental health I can't be around endless tales of woe and dramatic stories. Especially when it's all one sided - again I'm not saying you're doing this OP, but if the conversation is all me, me, me then there's literally nothing in it for the other person.

Could there also be an element of over sharing / lack of filter? A lot of people will back off if you just seem to be 'too much'

Lovely kind response and I agree with it all.

I agree with this.

We all need balance and as we get older we collect more burdens which means we need to hold steady even more.

I now see new friends who spill trauma/drama as someone to swerve and it is serving me well. I am also conscious that I would have been one of these emotionally dysregulated / incontinent people in the past as well.

It’s fine in time to briefly lift the curtain in an established friendship - but to be reflective and bring to the friendship rather than slip into victim stance - and IME this was easy to do - so I avoid picking at my scabs with friends.

I would have a think about what you are expecting from your friends, OP.

You say that your drama pushes people away - why is that, though? Do you share it all with them in detail? Do they have to sit and listen to you for long periods of time?

How much interest are you showing in them and their lives?

Friendship is two way and you need to give as much as you take. You also don't have to share everything with friends, you can just focus on enjoying the moment with them.

I’ve had a naturally dramatic life too and share some of your experiences. I’ve also had a hell of a lot of deaths.

I also have friends and acquaintances that I perceive as “dramatic”.

The differences between us are:

1. I don’t relish the drama and I don’t indulge in it.
2. I don’t post my dirty laundry on Facebook in an attention seeking way for all to see.
3. It doesn’t stem from poor life choices that I’ve made (repeatedly) despite other peoples advice.
4. I don’t moan and I’m not one of those people who complains repeatedly but never seeks to change anything.
5. I don’t feel the need to tell anyone my life traumas (I have a therapist for that). I definitely wouldn’t be telling a work colleague that I just met that I’d had several terminations (looking at you ex colleague).
6. I try to keep my interactions with people light and positive and concentrate on the good. People are either radiators or vacuums, and having friends who constantly moan when asked “how are you” is just draining!

Points like the above make people drama llamas, not the actual difficulties in their life.

Having said that i do have a couple of close friends that I will talk to about difficult stuff - but it’s rare and usually our interactions are more happy and positive so there is a good balance. But the only person who actually knows how difficult my life has been is my therapist! Without her I probably wouldn’t be able to be quite so positive in day to day life with my friends and colleagues.

Tbh SparklingBalls you would benefit from a good therapist.

People who are untrained will have no idea what to say or do about other people's trauma, past or present, and that's not unreasonable. People step back to protect their own mental health and they are not wrong to do so.

Yes I am currently letting a friendship slide because my own mental health is taking a battering.

Having said that i do have a couple of close friends that I will talk to about difficult stuff - but it’s rare and usually our interactions are more happy and positive so there is a good balance.

I think this is a really good point @Minfilia

My closest friendships are very much focussed on positivity and fun most of the time. For a very long time whilst they were building (a couple of years!) it was almost purely about enjoying time together and enjoying their company, very simple and straightforward.

After that (once we already loved one another from all the fun times we had), we began to share more about ourselves, our pasts, our traumas. You really need a stable foundation before you start to do that.

It takes time, OP, and most people won't appreciate you going full force with all of your feelings when you are just getting to know them. To build stable friendships you have to take some ownership and put up some boundaries, give more than you get and focus on the good things.

That's hard coming from a background of trauma, but it's just what you have to do.

This is an excellent post.

Oh wow op I could have written this. I completely understand. It's so hard friends either back off or treat me like a spectacle.
It's very hard to have any authentic friendship without sharing otherwise where you land has no context and keeping quiet leaves you just as lonely.
I've recently had a sequence of things happen, many of which were definitely through no fault of my own but I can sadly see why people back off, It's changed my character and I have little to offer socially anymore , health means constant cancelling of meetups with those who still want to see me and my employer must be regretting taking me on.
spending more time online is my main interaction now.

I’ve also had a ‘dramatic’ life, including severe childhood trauma, which contributed to issues like further victimisation during my late adolescence, and poor relationship choices etc etc. It took years and years of therapy to get on a far more even keel, both emotionally and circumstantially. I previously had the same issues with friendships. If I’m honest with myself, I was an oversharer. I would confide in friends too quickly and too much. Now, several of my really close friends have no idea the kind of trauma I have experienced. It doesn’t actually compromise the friendship, if anything, the friendships feel more mutual!

Could there also be an element of over sharing / lack of filter? A lot of people will back off if you just seem to be 'too much'

This will be it. From infancy humans can recognise abnormal social interaction and tend to back away from it (unless they themselves lack social boundaries or are predatory).

And StinkyWizzleteets, you should not be so arrogant as to assume you know anything about Brenda or her past life. She may have lived a life that makes yours look idyllic, but come through it with enough social skills to stick to neutral topics when chatting to a stranger at baby group.

I was a bit worried id been harsh so re read thjs post We shouldn’t have to hold back about our experiences but people don’t want scary or sad life stories they want boring Brenda bitching about bad boy Barry in accounts. Our lives are so alien to them it scares them.
So what you're saying is you will force your life history on people no matter if they want to hear it or not. You don't care that they may also have similar trauma, and you doing this is harmful to them as long as you talk at them?