Naturally dramatic life - unworthy of friendship?

[SparklingBalls]

This is coming off the back off a few threads I've been reading across MN, and yes, I am a long-term poster and have NCed for this.

My life has always involved drama. For the most part I had nothing to do with why - abusive home, sexual abuse as a teen and young adult including multiple rapes, homelessness brought on by shitty friendships and lack of relatives who to this day give a shit, relationship abuse followed by single mum pregnancy, abusive marriage including an attempt on my life through him, escape from this, now financial difficulties.

I know that people always say that drama attracts drama, but honestly, I'd love nothing more than a simple life. Very little of my life drama is of my own making (suicide attempts and OCD-related disorders may be, but stem from childhood trauma, which won't cease to rear its ugly head despite meds and therapy), but the main thing in my life is, I am being constantly shat on from a great height.

I have always tried to do the right thing, got a job, got promotions, kept the kids, supported them as a single mum. I have tried again and again to build up friendships and relationships, but the continuous onslaught of shit happening in my life drives them all away. I try to stay upbeat; I have tons of gallow's humour; it is hard. But it seems I am doomed, not just through more shit happening by the month, but also by lack of friends, family, anyone.

On here people always say that it's people's own fault if their life is dramatic. But mine could fill several soap operas without me trying.

It pushes people away, I guess. So my AIBU - is it me, is it always people who are dramatic who have dramatic lives?

It sounds like you are mixing up abusive things with normal life. Interest rate rises when you are house shopping are not traumatic, they are just normal life.

I have a friend who i guess you could call a magnet for drama in her life, and I have distanced myself from her. She too experienced childhood trauma, and on some level I think she seeks out chaos and can't relax into the predictable every day life a lot of us lead. The difference between her and what I've read from you OP is that this stuff is happening to you whereas my friend actively sabotages good things in her life. She talks of nothing but her current drama, has no interest in the lives of others and sucks the emotional energy from many of her friends. I think that is the hardest part, always being the giver of time and an ear to her woes, when it's so one sided.

This. I hope you are having and engaging in therapy.

If you were a new acquaintance and I heard even half what you've put in your OP before I knew you really well then I'd avoid you. I have too much of my own drama to want to take on anyone else's.

Fwiw I had a hideously chaotic childhood but only my dh and a few very old childhood friends know about it. My newer friends don't know and that's how I like it.

I think people often don’t talk about these things.

One of my parents was an addict and had MH issues. They died when I was quite young. When I think of it, I’ve never really talked about that with friends, including those I grew up with who knew the parent. And friends who I know had violence or abuse at home have likewise not really gone into it or ever discussed much (although we’ll talk in detail about sex, relationships, at times current MH struggles / stress / depression).

This might not help, and I'm sorry if it doesn't because you clearly deserve love and support in your life, but have you tried compartmenalising things more?

Try making some new friends and framing the friendship as an escape box from all the shit and drama, rather than a potential support over it. Just go to the cinema with them. go for walks where you just discuss the kids and TV shows - might feel like play-acting 'normal' but it will help you maintain friendships.

Look for (or start?) a support group for Survivors of abuse in your area. Make as much use as possible of the self-referral, not GP needed online counselling and CBT services that exist these days and offload any emotional weight in those sessions.

For decades I suffered very bad depression. In the end, after losing lots of friends over it, I just put it in its box and if I was too down I lied and said I'd come down with a virus or had a sudden work meeting if I couldn't face other people at the time. For all the #BeKind and MentalHealthAwareness posts plastered all over friends' FB pages - they'd all run scared if I ever actually mentioned it. I learned that from experience. Now I see friendship not at all for support and confiding but for taking my mind off any dramas and the friendships start lasting years. That is a wonderful support of its own kind, just not the one you might think.

This. I don't think this is drama, it's normal life happenings. If this is drama then I've had loads. Am currently panicking a bit about how to afford a new car. As we get older there are ongoing financial hits. It's just life. I've just finally had an eye test and bought new glasses and prescription sunglasses. It's cost me ££ and I spent several months saving up for it. But that's one of the annoying things about life.

BUT my life is never calm, there is always another blow around the corner, as it is for most people, but somehow my blows are always bigger ones and tend to hit at the worst times. Like a huge financial blow right after a big purchase (say, a boiler going bust in mid-winter just after almost all my savings went on replacing my old car, or interest rates increasing just before I managed to get a mortgage)

In the nicest possible way, things like this happen to absolutely everyone.

What an interesting thread. I don;t think dramatic people attract drama, especially not when the dramatic part is sustained abuse. I think you deserve friends.

That said, everyone has compassion fatigue now. And most people have a full plate. I am not saying this is you, but some people with trauma can be very exhausting and turn every topic back to the trauma.

I have a friend who tried to kill herself recently and has bad trauma. I continue to meet her and listen to her, but if I talk about anything fun, she makes me feel guilty for having fun. I agree with posters who say you should find a support group.

I myself have a DC with chronic illness and I have stopped talking about it. Because most people don;t want to know and are too exhausted to listen. Instead, I use my friends for an escape, as others suggested.

Excellent post @WinterFoxes

I think as @Greatly says, everyone has drama pile-ups in their lives - DC with D&V when the internet goes down and the car breaks down and a client at work isn;t happy with how you treated them etc etc.

the point is, when you are already running on empty all the time, these feel unbearable, whereas if you have had a life in which, generally you are fairly loved and supported by family and have a small amount of savings for emergencies, then you can ride these dramas out and get over them quickly.

People react badly to friends who seem to think they are the only ones ever to have a drama. Most people deal with them quietly behind closed doors. But i think not being able to do this naturally comes from being raised in a climate of trauma and resulting PTSD.

I agree with this.
Also when you have been a victim of trauma then you tend to go through life with a victim mentality.
So everyday occurrences are seen as yet another way in which you are a victim rather than " shit happens".
It's interesting that you use the word " fault".
It's a black and white term that tends to be used in Splitting.
This is when a fixed mindset occurs of good/ bad , there is no understanding of how people can be human beings who mess up sometimes.
It comes with a whole heap of blame and self judgement and a lack of growth mentality.
I think further trauma therapy would really help with this.

The thing is, everything you have mentioned is all very extreme. Some people might have experience with one of those things, but no one will have direct experience with every single thing you have gone through. Therefore, if you shared all that with me, I don’t know how I would react or what I could say to comfort you as you need professional mental help. So bare that in mind when you offload to people - they can’t be there for them in the way you want, as they don’t know how, and you need professional help to explore these topics.

This is really interesting. I have a sibling who is incapable of realising that bad things happen to anyone else except her. It's absolutely exhausting to deal with.

I would find it horrifying to have to think about someone being raped multiple times. I'm sorry. I think you should keep that to yourself and your therapist.

There is a difference between casual friends, and very close friends.
as long as “drama” doesn’t spill into others life, I can’t I see that they care.
however, how much do they know about what is going on? Do they need to know it all? maybe the friendship feels a bit one sided if you need a lot of support, on an ongoing basis?
im not saying that this is fair, or that the life you have been dealt with is fair, just that people might withdraw because they need to

There is a difference in lots of bad things happening to a person and the endless sucking everything out of theit own and everyone ones else's life, hard to put it all down but to me there is a difference in being a victim of a siltation and not taking not taking responsibility in a situation and 'playing the victim'

I am speaking in general with the above not aiming that at the op

I don’t know how I would react or what I could say to comfort you as you need professional mental help.

This is how I feel about my friend who slashed her wrists. I am not really competent to comfort her. She needs professional help, which she is getting, but it will take a while for her to feel better.

DD is also very negative and "bad things happen only to me" because of her illness. It's exhausting and I am not sure I could do this for anyone but a child. Nowadays, I go for radiators, not drains when meeting people.

As others have posted, I have a friend with fairly similar traumas. I help her as much as I can, but I have lower level MH issues if my own, and a job and family, so need to step back sometimes for my own well-being.

Op, I had a very similar upbringing to you and similar life experiences. Unfortunately we are conditioned to thrive on the trauma, whether we realise it or not. It gives us an endorphin hit, a high. Much in the same way that a woman will tolerate /over look being hit in order to receive the love bombing and apologies and promises of undying love from her abusive fella. Or her abusive parents etc.

Those boundaries never ever get fully repaired, they can't be, they will always have chinks in them. And I always remember reading an article about how paedophiles and abusers groom their victims. They are able to pick the one abuse survivor/vulnerable/love starved person out of a crowd of twenty just by looking at them and watching them interact etc. Unfortunately our previous life experiences linger around us in retained behaviour and make us more noticeable to other people that would do us harm.

I've tried very very hard to get over CPTSD and am bipolar and a survivor or childhood abuse, rape, domestic violence etc. it's shit. And yes my life seem to be constantly drama and even my pyscotherspist said my life was like a east Enders story line. But slowly I managed to get myself sorted. I reduced contact HUGELY with my mother and her husband which helped no end. My youngest sister is still living a drama rich life so I avoid her as much as possible. I've got one best friends whose stood by me through everything since I was 14 and my Other (best) sister.

We are a team. We survived our childhood together despite our parents we still went on to get 5 degrees between us and turn out some ok ( less damaged than us) kids. Yes sometimes drama creeps into my life now but it's normally to do with the echoes of the past.... ie, my son was arrested and charged for a crime but that was a result of my poor parenting and naivety when he was younger. He's an adult. He needs to put the work in now through therapy to undo that and I will 100% support him. But if other drama comes to my door., it's sent away.

To me a drama free life means starting from the bottom and working up. So paying bills on time. Not running on an almost empty tank of petrol constantly. Lots of food in the cupboard. Preparing for everything so there are no surprises. Staying firm in your boundaries. Being able to say NO without hesitation and being assertive. Standing up for others that don't have a voice themselves.

I tend to seek out other people with a high trauma load. I find comfort in knowing about other people's problems (like we're all in the same boat) and the general daily chit chat feels really disengenous. I have to force myself to talk about watering schedules for the garden or potty training. It's like an insatiable curiosity - what makes you click? What are you actually thinking about? What's Really going on?

Otherwise it feels like you've just met a mask, not a person. Maybe it's just me.

Otherwise it feels like you've just met a mask, not a person.

That isn't true at all. Most people just don't bring up all their trauma in every day conversation. I've survived a traumatic cardiac arrest outside of a hospital and was clinically dead for two minutes. I could therefore say that everything is now trivial. But guess what, I still have to pay bills and do housework and make small talk with my colleagues and casual acquiantances. Its just not appropriate to make every conversation completely intense. Other people have stuff going on too.

That's Ok, we have different ways of seeing things.

I keep coming back to this thread, and if I'm honest, gave started telling increasingly sad at some of the responses.

I'm not saying that people should pour out their heart and soul to people they've just met, but equally the idea of people having to put on a brave face and only talk about trivial fun things is quite sad.

No, it's not appropriate to go into details of rape and childhood abuse at a playgroup with people you barely know. But you shouldn't have to say everything's fine' to actual friends, whilst your life, marriage etc collapses around you.

It's sad, for example, the woman who feels she can no longer mention her childs chronic illness to her friends. Or the people that say they put on a mask. Friends shouldn't be our emotional crutch and an alternative to a counsellor, but friendship should incorporate an element of mutual support.

I know I'd have really struggled with certain events in life if it's wasn't for friends - new friendships and old.

See, I agree that you want to know what makes people tick and what’s important to them but I disagree that the only thing that can motivate people is trauma.

I love design and interior design. I draw and paint and can talk about wallpaper for hours. That’s a passion and it’s important to me. Finding someone to go to art shows with or go to antique or vintage stores with would be really fun. You dropping in your CSA isn’t necessary. We can still bond over over shared hobbies and passions.

Again, I think the mistake you are making is assuming that anything not trauma related is superficial or trivial. Many people have passions and joys or dreams or goals. They are not trivial.

You can get to know people and understand them without them sharing every past trauma in their lives. The problem is that people from chaotic backgrounds often believe they ARE their trauma.

The correct place to get support for childhood abuse is a therapist. And no one begrudges supporting a divorcing friend but if years later they are still in crisis, they need therapeutic support too.