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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about my wedding

98 replies

roro87 · 04/02/2023 21:05

Hi,

So I got engaged Dec 21 and roughly said we'd get married in November 23. We had also started trying for a baby in September 21 so thought that would allow us plenty of time. Fast forward to now not pregnant and facing into ivf/icsi. So naturally want to put the wedding off for a year to allow for that.

Meanwhile my brother is getting married May 24, booked after we were engaged. He is now v upset that we are getting married 3 months after him and says I'm being selfish.

Just to add to this I want 3 kids, currently have 1 so I'll be 38 if we wait until 2025 at time of wedding and I'd struggle to fit in baby no 3 before it so would mean trying again. This puts us under enormous pressure as chances dwindle with age.

I could totally understand if we put it before his, we won't even send out invites until after.

OP posts:
MrsBunnyEars · 04/02/2023 21:06

Don’t put the wedding off, do it asap.

Call me old fashioned, but there are very good reasons that intentionally having children without being married first is a bit silly.

TowerRaven7 · 04/02/2023 21:07

Unless both weddings are in the same month I just don’t get what the big deal is!!

xogossipgirlxo · 04/02/2023 21:08

Your brother is groomzilla 😂

Hankunamatata · 04/02/2023 21:09

Not sure why all the waiting. Just get married now

Burgoo · 04/02/2023 21:09

Tell him to piss off!

Original poster
roro87 · 04/02/2023 21:09

@MrsBunnyEars I already have a child so that ship has sailed. I'll be bloated and emotional from ivf and just don't have the money for both

OP posts:
GyozaGuiting · 04/02/2023 21:10

Why it is selfish to have a wedding near someone else’s? I don’t get it! Go ahead Op.

Original poster
roro87 · 04/02/2023 21:10

@xogossipgirlxo 💯 Like he is worse than her

OP posts:
PritiPatelsMaker · 04/02/2023 21:11

Why is it a problem for your brother? DSIL & us got married within 3 months of one another.

Agree that I wouldn't put yours off, if anything I'd bring it forward if you are TTC Flowers

Original poster
roro87 · 04/02/2023 21:11

@Hankunamatata if I could afford that and ivf I would but just can't right now.

OP posts:
Eastereggsboxedupready · 04/02/2023 21:12

3 months after is fine.. Day before not so OK!! Ask him when would be OK with him?
What a diva!

LanaCara · 04/02/2023 21:12

Selfish why? He thinks it's too many weddings too close together? Too much expense for one family in a 3 month period? He is probably right for some people if that's the case, but it doesn't make you selfish. People will either come or they won't. And its likely your one that they won't go to if they can't afford it given that yours is second! He's a groomzilla. Or his Bridezilla is getting in his head.

Original poster
roro87 · 04/02/2023 21:13

If we'd known the road would have been so long for a second we'd have done it last year but we didn't. If I put off ivf my eggs etc will be older and all the tests I've already done will need to be redone

OP posts:
Joshitai · 04/02/2023 21:13

Just get married already. Keep trying for a baby, but that is no reason to put off your wedding. Life always has some drama going on in it.

Emmamoo89 · 04/02/2023 21:13

YANBU X

Original poster
roro87 · 04/02/2023 21:14

So asked him when would be suitable March 25 onwards and not in the same venue (we weren't going to anyway)

OP posts:
Ihatethenewlook · 04/02/2023 21:14

He’s being ridiculous. It’s 3 months, not 3 days. If it’s too much for some people to possibly attend a wedding a whole quarter of a year after another one, then it’s your wedding they’ll be missing as it’s after his. You think he’d be a bit more sympathetic about your situation.

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 04/02/2023 21:15

Personally I would book the next available date at your local registry office, pop down with a couple of witnesses and get the job done. If you want a big party have one on a wedding anniversary whatever year suits.

Justmehere12345 · 04/02/2023 21:15

But his wedding is OK to be 5 months after yours? Double standards much?!

Original poster
roro87 · 04/02/2023 21:16

He didn't even reply when I told him the reasons why this year didn't suit. Like my fertility is pretty bad an has to be prioritised it is going to cost a lot and also be physically gruelling

OP posts:
sunshineandshowers40 · 04/02/2023 21:17

Is there his coming from your brother or his fiancée? Three is absolutely fine.

Pixilicious1 · 04/02/2023 21:18

You brother is being a controlling dick. It’s your life, live it to suit you not him.

NumberTheory · 04/02/2023 21:18

roro87 · 04/02/2023 21:09

@MrsBunnyEars I already have a child so that ship has sailed. I'll be bloated and emotional from ivf and just don't have the money for both

I don’t think your DB has a reasonable case for asking you to change your wedding date, especially if you aren’t going to be sending out invites etc. until after.

Like several others, your reasoning over when to get married doesn’t match my own priorities. But it doesn’t need to. It’s you and your partner getting married not me.

The only thing I’d point out (and this isn’t related to how reasonable your DB’s upset is or not) is - you could get pregnant at any point, your IVF journey could go in lots of different directions. If you aren’t bothered about being married for the legal protection and you aren’t comfortable having those things going on at the same time as the wedding, would you find it less stressful and more predictable to just leave getting married until after you’ve finished your family?

user467892 · 04/02/2023 21:18

Your brother needs to get a grip

Original poster
roro87 · 04/02/2023 21:21

It's definitely coming from him. I want the proper traditional wedding and don't mind waiting until next year or the year after if it suited me. I'm just really upset about being told when I can or can't. And being made feel awful. I carefully considered his wedding in all decisions not to choose anything the same, I thought being after would be fine also

OP posts: