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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU about my wedding

98 replies

roro87 · 04/02/2023 21:05

Hi,

So I got engaged Dec 21 and roughly said we'd get married in November 23. We had also started trying for a baby in September 21 so thought that would allow us plenty of time. Fast forward to now not pregnant and facing into ivf/icsi. So naturally want to put the wedding off for a year to allow for that.

Meanwhile my brother is getting married May 24, booked after we were engaged. He is now v upset that we are getting married 3 months after him and says I'm being selfish.

Just to add to this I want 3 kids, currently have 1 so I'll be 38 if we wait until 2025 at time of wedding and I'd struggle to fit in baby no 3 before it so would mean trying again. This puts us under enormous pressure as chances dwindle with age.

I could totally understand if we put it before his, we won't even send out invites until after.

OP posts:

Justalittlebitduckling · 04/02/2023 21:22

roro87 · 04/02/2023 21:14

So asked him when would be suitable March 25 onwards and not in the same venue (we weren't going to anyway)

That’s ridiculous. He sounds like a spoilt brat. What possible joy will you steal from his day be getting married three months later?

SchoolQuestionnaire · 04/02/2023 21:22

Your brother is being controlling but I can’t understand why you wouldn’t just pare down your wedding and proceed as planned. If more dc is the priority then surely you’d just have a small, intimate wedding and crack on with the ivf.

Original poster

roro87 · 04/02/2023 21:23

@NumberTheory yes to be honest my plan was to use it as a distraction. I've agreed with most venues I can push the date out should there be something available and I need to.

OP posts:

Toosensitiv · 04/02/2023 21:24

As if someone can hog an entire year for their wedding.

Tell him to stop being daft and you'll try and put at least 3 months between the weddings.

bussteward · 04/02/2023 21:26

I would pettily rearrange my wedding for his birthday, or anniversary.

Highlyflavouredgravy · 04/02/2023 21:26

You should get married before having children.
Go and get marrued. It doesnthave to be a big hoopla.

pizzaHeart · 04/02/2023 21:28

What is his reasoning for waiting the whole year? Are you or your brother planning a destination wedding ?

Original poster

roro87 · 04/02/2023 21:29

I'll be very honest I don't want to be pregnant or look pregnant in my wedding pictures. I've sacrificed so many things in quest to become pregnant. I've lost friends, myself and lots of time. I want a wedding free of the worries of infertility where I don't worry about an extra glass of wine or if I've taken my prenatal vitamins. It might not be like that for everyone but that how I feel.

OP posts:

SazCat · 04/02/2023 21:30

He's being very unreasonable, I don't see the issue. My BIL and SIL got married 2 weeks after us. They did ask us first if we minded. But if course we didn't, but we are quite chilled out! And we both had relatively small weddings.

I'd get married whenever you want to!

Original poster

roro87 · 04/02/2023 21:31

No neither of us is more than an hour away from our home house. We both live in the same country.

OP posts:

EVHead · 04/02/2023 21:31

Your DB is a twat. Tell him to take a hike. Have your wedding when you want.

Original poster

roro87 · 04/02/2023 21:33

My sister has also weighed in on his side. That it is too much of a financial impact on guests invited to both

OP posts:

Timeforanewname23 · 04/02/2023 21:37

roro87 · 04/02/2023 21:33

My sister has also weighed in on his side. That it is too much of a financial impact on guests invited to both

People can’t afford 2 nights out in 3 months? I get that buying presents could be pricey, but it’s up to people to spend what they can afford! ( or say no gifts expected)

and since you’re both relatively close to each am guessing most of guests are local?

UsingChangeofName · 04/02/2023 21:37

I agree with most.
Your brother is being ridiculous, but I don't think your thinking is great either.
Just have a smaller 'do' and crack on.
It's hardly a 'traditional' wedding if you are planning to have at least 2 of your own dc there, and will presumably have been living together for years.
Life is too short - get married to the person you want to be married to.

Good luck with your IVF.

Gawpygertie · 04/02/2023 21:38

roro87 · 04/02/2023 21:33

My sister has also weighed in on his side. That it is too much of a financial impact on guests invited to both

Well that’s a silly argument because if you don’t send invites until after his wedding then only you will miss out if guests decide not to attend.

I’d be tempted to hand out invites the day before his wedding out of spite but better not.

Whataretheodds · 04/02/2023 21:40

Ignore your brother he's being ridiculous.

I agree with PP - if you're not fussed about the legal /financial protection then put all wedding plans on ice and focus on your wellbeing and fertility. Don't worry about committing to a date.

If you do want the legal and financial protection then have a quickie registry office - you two and two strangers if it's easier - and then focus ob your wellbeing and fertility.

Original poster

roro87 · 04/02/2023 21:45

@UsingChangeofName we are only inviting 50 people to ours all very close friends or immediate family. It is more around how i feel while going through treatment. Currently on injections and having migraines and cold sweats etc.

I need to give 3 months notice of intent to marry also just to clarify, I don't live in the UK. So earliest would be late May. Which we have another family wedding on my fiancé's side. I know we could do it closer and risk it but also most things are already booked out here. I was at a wedding fair and very few hair and make up had dates left. I don't live in a city or near one so there isn't a huge supply of venues, celebrants hair make up etc.

OP posts:

plumduck · 04/02/2023 21:47

He is now v upset that we are getting married 3 months after him and says I'm being selfish. how so? When does he want you to have your wedding? Why does your wedding affect his wedding in anyway?

Is he always this weird.

plumduck · 04/02/2023 21:48

roro87 · 04/02/2023 21:33

My sister has also weighed in on his side. That it is too much of a financial impact on guests invited to both

It's not if you make yours small and cheap and completely optional attendance.

BeetlesForever · 04/02/2023 21:50

Do you want to be married or have a wedding?

I think the problems are of your own making.

NoDairyNoProblem · 04/02/2023 21:50

roro87 · 04/02/2023 21:33

My sister has also weighed in on his side. That it is too much of a financial impact on guests invited to both

You were due to get married nov this year so not exactly a huge gap until his wedding afterwards. Surely guests can budget for both with so much notice.

NumberTheory · 04/02/2023 21:51

roro87 · 04/02/2023 21:33

My sister has also weighed in on his side. That it is too much of a financial impact on guests invited to both

To be fair, on that front she does have a point if you are both going for fairly big and traditional weddings with a fair amount of crossover on the guest list.

Would your wedding, or your relationships with friends and family be strained if they didn't come to yours/didn't go to your Hen/didn't buy a new outfit/didn't buy you as big a present/etc. ? You sound somewhat emotionally invested in the wedding as an event, so it is worth thinking about what it might really feel like if your brother appeared 'favoured' by mutual friends and family.

And also how those mutual friends and family might feel about you long term if they felt obliged to stretch themselves more than they were comfortable with because you 'surprised' them with a wedding shortly after your brothers n order to treat you equally.

strawberry2017 · 04/02/2023 21:52

Go to a registry office, get married and have a big celebration when the time is right.

Tandora · 04/02/2023 21:53

xogossipgirlxo · 04/02/2023 21:08

Your brother is groomzilla 😂

This.
it’s not like you booked your wedding the weekend before his, it’s 3 whole months LATER. No idea what he’s on about. Don’t understand the stuff about babies though. Why can’t you do ivf and still get married this year? Or maybe I’m not understanding something because I’ve not been through it..

custardbear · 04/02/2023 21:55

Can't see a problem! If you're 38 just get in with it, who c area if you're wearing a maternity wedding dress - no point in waiting for anything and your DB is being dramatic for no reason

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