Page 4 | AIBU about my wedding

roro87 · 2023-02-04T21:05:08+00:00

Hi, So I got engaged Dec 21 and roughly said we'd get married in November 23. We had also started trying for a baby in September 21 so thought that would allow us plenty of time. Fast forward to now not pregnant and facing into ivf/icsi. So naturally want to put the wedding off for a year to allow for that. Meanwhile my brother is getting married May 24, booked after we were engaged. He is now v upset that we are getting married 3 months after him and says I'm being selfish. Just to add to this I want 3 kids, currently have 1 so I'll be 38 if we wait until 2025 at time of wedding and I'd struggle to fit in baby no 3 before it so would mean trying again. This puts us under enormous pressure as chances dwindle with age. I could totally understand if we put it before his, we won't even send out invites until after.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 04/02/2023 23:02

Your brother is being an idiot. Families can have more than one marriage in a year.

Id have a quick registry office or similar wedding now, so that’s the marriage sorted (ie the important bit) and then maybe have a big party in a few years to celebrate your wedding. Then the money can go towards IVF.

Schoolchoicesucks · 04/02/2023 23:12

Just get married ASAP. This spring. Gives him a clear 12 months before his. Small wedding - eg registry office and a nice meal. No need to break the bank, no need to put off ivf.

Stopthebusplease · 04/02/2023 23:16

Tell him to stop being so damned selfish, book your wedding for the date that YOU want, and hand out invitations to family and relatives at HIS wedding! That'll really piss him off!

whatsthpoint · 04/02/2023 23:30

EmmaDilemma5 · 04/02/2023 22:07

In all honesty OP, I'd not be best pleased being married within a few months of my sibling either. It WILL impact how guests view them and they will compare. At his party they'll be going on about yours. And at yours, they'll be going on about his.

I think it doesn't really work to move it to then and it's not really fair to encroach on your brother's plans like that. Just either put the wedding off longer or do it sooner but lower key for now.

You think people would go to a wedding and spend time talking about another that's in 3 months? Or one that was 3 months ago? No one gives a shit that much about other peoples weddings! Anyway OP said she wouldn't send invites out until after her brothers wedding.

BatshitBanshee · 04/02/2023 23:38

I'd tell him if he carries on like this you'll book the wedding for the same day, same band, same venue and then die at his funeral for good measure. What a groomzilla.

LuckySantangelo35 · 05/02/2023 00:03

BeetlesForever · 04/02/2023 21:50

Do you want to be married or have a wedding?

I think the problems are of your own making.

@BeetlesForever

she can have both

LuckySantangelo35 · 05/02/2023 00:10

StClare101 · 04/02/2023 22:54

Your brother sounds odd but so do you. I got married when I was pregnant due to a similar situation- had been trying to fall pregnant for two years. I love my wedding photos.

I’d keep the wedding where it is or just cancel completely. A 3 year engagement is a bit odd.

@StClare101

not everyone wants to get married when pregnant
some of us want to be able to wear the dress we want, drink champagne, don’t want to feel ill with pregnancy symptoms, etc
you only get one wedding day after all!

NumberTheory · 05/02/2023 01:04

roro87 · 04/02/2023 22:10

@EmmaDilemma5 I think his window of acceptable is a bit much so If I listened it would be March of 25 which to me is ages away. He also doesn't want his son there or even if we have a newborn they aren't allowed there. If I'm pregnant I can't discus it

Wow. Regardless of when you get married that makes him sound controlling and insecure.

Original poster

roro87 · 05/02/2023 17:13

Just an update. I feel even worse now I basically asked when suits him and its either before Nov this year or after Feb 25 so really it's put us in a complete bind. He's turned it all on his saying he's hurt he's upset that his wedding is the most important thing that year. Like that's fine but these things are less important to other people and where I no way want to harm or damage the build up to his wedding I would assume when all was done it wouldn't matter. I just feel that there is no common ground here.

OP posts:

babyjellyfish · 05/02/2023 17:26

roro87 · 05/02/2023 17:13

Just an update. I feel even worse now I basically asked when suits him and its either before Nov this year or after Feb 25 so really it's put us in a complete bind. He's turned it all on his saying he's hurt he's upset that his wedding is the most important thing that year. Like that's fine but these things are less important to other people and where I no way want to harm or damage the build up to his wedding I would assume when all was done it wouldn't matter. I just feel that there is no common ground here.

I don't understand why you're having these conversations at all.

Your brother is being completely unreasonable. Just tell him it's none of his business when you get marrief as long as you aren't proposing to get married on the same day.

Stop encouraging him to believe he has any say in the matter.

HinnyHoway · 05/02/2023 17:31

Stop pandering to him and just book your wedding when you want to!

QuertyGirl · 05/02/2023 17:37

Apply some logic to this situation.

The time critical thing is the IVF. Do that and sod everything else.

If it works, you can do the wedding when the kids are older and you've recovered from it all.

It might not work. We tried IVF for a second child and it failed. You need to plan for that too.

A wedding is just a party. You can get the marriage certificate at a registery office.

PaperFun · 05/02/2023 18:03

roro87 · 05/02/2023 17:13

Just an update. I feel even worse now I basically asked when suits him and its either before Nov this year or after Feb 25 so really it's put us in a complete bind. He's turned it all on his saying he's hurt he's upset that his wedding is the most important thing that year. Like that's fine but these things are less important to other people and where I no way want to harm or damage the build up to his wedding I would assume when all was done it wouldn't matter. I just feel that there is no common ground here.

Get a backbone and assert yourself. Enough pandering to him. Be strong. You don’t have to be rude, nasty or underhand. Be positive and confident. Reassure him once that you don’t intend to steal his thunder but be clear that you need to get married too. He is sensing your weakness and exploiting it. You are doing nothing wrong so don’t act like you are.

Happy wedding planning.

EL8888 · 05/02/2023 18:12

Ignore. Your brother sounds super hard work. Is he always like this? You do you! Whatever you do then l think your brother will be displeased and complain. I have had 3 rounds of IVF and know how hard it can be. Good luck with the IVF

2 of my ex-husbands siblings got married within 6 weeks of each other. There was zero negativity from either couple 🤷‍♀️. Whole family was super happy for all of them

Original poster

roro87 · 05/02/2023 18:14

My whole family are on his side and I don't have the energy anymore to fight them. I feel I should just cut them out. We won't be going ahead with the wedding I think we will just quietly get married sometime not what we had hoped for but still

OP posts:

cstaff · 05/02/2023 18:30

Your family are being ridiculous. You get one day and that is it. You don't get a whole freaking year to have a wedding. Three months is plenty of time between the two events. Your brother is being groomzilla.

PaperFun · 05/02/2023 19:37

roro87 · 05/02/2023 18:14

My whole family are on his side and I don't have the energy anymore to fight them. I feel I should just cut them out. We won't be going ahead with the wedding I think we will just quietly get married sometime not what we had hoped for but still

Don’t you have anyone with a rational brain at all who can mediate? This is so unreasonable that I feel I am missing something. Your family sound awful.

Riapia · 05/02/2023 20:08

Six of one and half a dozen of the other.
You and your brother are both thoroughly enjoying all the attention.

Tiredmamma8 · 05/02/2023 23:44

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 04/02/2023 21:15

Personally I would book the next available date at your local registry office, pop down with a couple of witnesses and get the job done. If you want a big party have one on a wedding anniversary whatever year suits.

Top response.

Enko · 05/02/2023 23:55

roro87 · 04/02/2023 21:14

So asked him when would be suitable March 25 onwards and not in the same venue (we weren't going to anyway)

Why does he get a whole year for his wedding but you didn't for yours??

You wanted november 23 by his reasoning he can't then get married until August 24.

Dd1s boyfriends sister pulled this "its my wedding year shit too" I told my 4 you get a week either side of the wedding to moan if sibling get married that's it. And no comeback if anyone gets pregnant.

Yes I understand that you postponed your wedding but even if he planned after or before your postponement he has a different set of rules for him to you. F that.. tell him you won't get married either within a month of his wedding and he better be happy with that..

NumberTheory · 06/02/2023 14:22

roro87 · 05/02/2023 18:14

My whole family are on his side and I don't have the energy anymore to fight them. I feel I should just cut them out. We won't be going ahead with the wedding I think we will just quietly get married sometime not what we had hoped for but still

I can see why you’re hurt, I think your brother is being a diva and your family’s support for him must sting. But don’t make any decisions or announcements about plans yet. Just leave things for a while and see how you feel in a couple of months when things have calmed down.

NumberTheory · 06/02/2023 14:23

And if you go to his wedding and you’re pregnant, tell everyone.

ClearMoth · 06/02/2023 14:25

Getting married costs about £200. Don't waste your money on a load of nonsense if you anticipate needing funds for fertility treatment.