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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about my wedding

98 replies

roro87 · 04/02/2023 21:05

Hi,

So I got engaged Dec 21 and roughly said we'd get married in November 23. We had also started trying for a baby in September 21 so thought that would allow us plenty of time. Fast forward to now not pregnant and facing into ivf/icsi. So naturally want to put the wedding off for a year to allow for that.

Meanwhile my brother is getting married May 24, booked after we were engaged. He is now v upset that we are getting married 3 months after him and says I'm being selfish.

Just to add to this I want 3 kids, currently have 1 so I'll be 38 if we wait until 2025 at time of wedding and I'd struggle to fit in baby no 3 before it so would mean trying again. This puts us under enormous pressure as chances dwindle with age.

I could totally understand if we put it before his, we won't even send out invites until after.

OP posts:
Original poster
roro87 · 04/02/2023 21:58

OK my wedding isn't big 50 guests. We have no friends in common, so it's mainly our immediate family and a few aunts and uncles which again I live near and make an effort with. Again I wouldn't feel bad if they didn't come.

OP posts:
Tandora · 04/02/2023 22:00

roro87 · 04/02/2023 21:29

I'll be very honest I don't want to be pregnant or look pregnant in my wedding pictures. I've sacrificed so many things in quest to become pregnant. I've lost friends, myself and lots of time. I want a wedding free of the worries of infertility where I don't worry about an extra glass of wine or if I've taken my prenatal vitamins. It might not be like that for everyone but that how I feel.

Ahh sorry op I didn’t read your updates before I posted. This makes sense

Original poster
roro87 · 04/02/2023 22:01

@Tandora its the medication really its very physically taxing along with being hugely emotionally draining. Like I can't underestimate the impact on my life the last year and a half have had. Like even from a practical aspect we are looking at going abroad for ivf and it is based on your cycle so hard to plan.

OP posts:
Joshitai · 04/02/2023 22:01

Have you thought about eloping and instead of a wedding just spending thr money on a lovely honeymoon? You sound burnt out with your drama llama brother. I’d just do the civil registry office version, and get on a plane to Madagascar or somewhere and relax for two weeks.

Original poster
roro87 · 04/02/2023 22:02

Also I think maybe it's been lost in my reasoning but my major thought is it is after his so why should it be a problem? I get the financial impact but we are happy if people just show up

OP posts:
EmmaDilemma5 · 04/02/2023 22:05

Personally, I'd do a registry office wedding and dinner out this year.

Then go all in on the fertility treatments.

That way you don't have the wedding hanging over you and potentially postponed yet again. If you want to have a bigger celebration once baby is here you can, but the pressure is off and you'll already be married.

Keepyourmummysboys · 04/02/2023 22:05

So he thinks your family is so poor they can’t attend two weddings in year, and this is his worry, is he right?

Original poster
roro87 · 04/02/2023 22:06

@Joshitai I would love to but I'd have no one to mind my child. The thought had occurred to me many times

OP posts:
GoldDuster · 04/02/2023 22:07

Luckily you don't need permission from your brother or your sister to choose a wedding date. They're guests. That is all.

EmmaDilemma5 · 04/02/2023 22:07

In all honesty OP, I'd not be best pleased being married within a few months of my sibling either. It WILL impact how guests view them and they will compare. At his party they'll be going on about yours. And at yours, they'll be going on about his.

I think it doesn't really work to move it to then and it's not really fair to encroach on your brother's plans like that. Just either put the wedding off longer or do it sooner but lower key for now.

Original poster
roro87 · 04/02/2023 22:07

@EmmaDilemma5 I wish we had done that before now. We've to give 3 months of intent to marry and we start ivf in April/May.

OP posts:
Original poster
roro87 · 04/02/2023 22:10

@EmmaDilemma5 I think his window of acceptable is a bit much so If I listened it would be March of 25 which to me is ages away. He also doesn't want his son there or even if we have a newborn they aren't allowed there. If I'm pregnant I can't discus it

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Original poster
roro87 · 04/02/2023 22:12

His will be a much better wedding we aren't trying to compete. Ours is relatively low key but nice. It is our favourite restaurant with just family and then the next day a party with a band. Our venue also is booked out for a lot of this year

OP posts:
Joshitai · 04/02/2023 22:12

roro87 · 04/02/2023 22:06

@Joshitai I would love to but I'd have no one to mind my child. The thought had occurred to me many times

Take them with you! Tons of resorts have kids clubs and you’d all have fun together!

whatsinaname2 · 04/02/2023 22:14

Look mate, I've done the big white wedding. Skinted myself, drove myself crazy with the stress of planning, dealt with chasing the invitees for their response, the no-shows, the shit gifts.
Second time around I had a registry office do, just me, him and the witnesses. So much more romantic and meaningful. And we got to honeymoon for a month in the Philippines.
It's not obligatory to have a showy wedding. In fact I regret it deeply, and that's not just because he was a douchebag. What a waste of time and money and for what? The outcome's the same.

PaperFun · 04/02/2023 22:17

roro87 · 04/02/2023 22:10

@EmmaDilemma5 I think his window of acceptable is a bit much so If I listened it would be March of 25 which to me is ages away. He also doesn't want his son there or even if we have a newborn they aren't allowed there. If I'm pregnant I can't discus it

This makes it easy. He is behaving like an indulgent idiot. He is being very unreasonable.

So you are free to do as you please. Stop planning your life around him now. You have done nothing wrong.

deeperthanallroses · 04/02/2023 22:20

I hope you have a newborn and can’t go to his since you can’t leave the baby and it’s not allowed, and all the relatives know why.

unless that would really really upset you of course! But it would be just desserts if he gets shown up for being a colossal twat.

Original poster
roro87 · 04/02/2023 22:22

My dad and my son are so close and they haven't told him that my son isn't welcome. Can't wait for that. I'd love an excuse not to go at this stage. My partner is already saying he'd rather not

OP posts:
Milkand2sugarsplease · 04/02/2023 22:35

So it was ok for him to arrange his wedding a few months after yours, with the original dates but now not ok for yours to end up a few months after his??!! Or have I misunderstood..?

Tess him to get stuffed, it's a day in the calendar! You can pick any of them and people can choose to come, or not.

Mountainpika · 04/02/2023 22:36

Go for a small wedding. We had 11 guests, 5 of them close family, 6 friends. Very simple register office and a meal in a restaurant. That was in 1974 and we're still together. Make it as easy for yourself as you can.
Good luck!

MeinKraft · 04/02/2023 22:41

You're both being ridiculous, don't fall out with your blood relatives over weddings. They're only parties when alls said and done.

deeperthanallroses · 04/02/2023 22:41

Milkand2sugarsplease · 04/02/2023 22:35

So it was ok for him to arrange his wedding a few months after yours, with the original dates but now not ok for yours to end up a few months after his??!! Or have I misunderstood..?

Tess him to get stuffed, it's a day in the calendar! You can pick any of them and people can choose to come, or not.

Well quite. I suspect this is because he thinks he’s quite special and the op not. But I think sauce for the goose and all that! I would sound mystified and upset talking to relatives- ‘I don’t understand what’s wrong with him, he booked his wedding for a few months after ours so obviously doing that is fine but when we moved ours to a few months after his then he lost the plot and that’s a horrible thing to do to your sibling? He didn’t think it was horrible when he did it! He knows the struggles we’ve had with fertility which is why we moved our wedding, I can’t understand why he’s being like this. Sob.’
Your sister is a tosser also. What does she say when you say he booked his for a few months after mine- why was that ok? I suspect it will be ‘that’s different…’ different how? You’ll have to explain it to me slowly because the only difference I can see is hes a self centred jerk and you’re supporting him in this.

Original poster
roro87 · 04/02/2023 22:50

deeperthanallroses · 04/02/2023 22:41

Well quite. I suspect this is because he thinks he’s quite special and the op not. But I think sauce for the goose and all that! I would sound mystified and upset talking to relatives- ‘I don’t understand what’s wrong with him, he booked his wedding for a few months after ours so obviously doing that is fine but when we moved ours to a few months after his then he lost the plot and that’s a horrible thing to do to your sibling? He didn’t think it was horrible when he did it! He knows the struggles we’ve had with fertility which is why we moved our wedding, I can’t understand why he’s being like this. Sob.’
Your sister is a tosser also. What does she say when you say he booked his for a few months after mine- why was that ok? I suspect it will be ‘that’s different…’ different how? You’ll have to explain it to me slowly because the only difference I can see is hes a self centred jerk and you’re supporting him in this.

Show quote history

That has made my night 😂

OP posts:
StClare101 · 04/02/2023 22:54

Your brother sounds odd but so do you. I got married when I was pregnant due to a similar situation- had been trying to fall pregnant for two years. I love my wedding photos.

I’d keep the wedding where it is or just cancel completely. A 3 year engagement is a bit odd.

Original poster
roro87 · 04/02/2023 23:00

StClare101 · 04/02/2023 22:54

Your brother sounds odd but so do you. I got married when I was pregnant due to a similar situation- had been trying to fall pregnant for two years. I love my wedding photos.

I’d keep the wedding where it is or just cancel completely. A 3 year engagement is a bit odd.

We never booked original date just had it provisional. Also we bought a house instead also as that security was more important to us. 3 year engagement in Ireland is quite normal

OP posts: