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AIBU?

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Original poster

To never have been married by 34...

131 replies

teacakespecial · 04/02/2023 12:33

All my friends are married or engaged. At the least they have been married!
I have 2 kids with ExP.. we were close to getting married then COVID (luckily) put a stop to that. Lockdown was the weekend before my hen do.
I'm 35 this bloody year and feel like I'll never get married, if I do I'm going to be an old bride.
Just feel sad I never got the happy ever after wedding I imagined as a little girl.
Anyone else?

OP posts:
GinBlossom94 · 04/02/2023 15:36

A marriage isn't a happy ever after, it's working everyday to make it work. I've been married nearly 20 years and life isn't a fairy tale. You sound like you want a wedding, not a marriage

Commonsensitivity · 04/02/2023 15:43

Never been married. Aged 46. Am fine!

Thepeopleversuswork · 04/02/2023 15:56

Just feel sad I never got the happy ever after wedding I imagined as a little girl.

It sounds like you don’t want a marriage you want a Disney wedding. Not the same thing at all.

I’ll assume for now that you mean marriage.

Marriage is simply a financial contract, like buying a house or a life insurance policy. It’s something many people need, particularly if they have children but don’t work.

But a marriage in and of itself will not enhance your life and in fact if it’s a bad marriage it will make it significantly worse.

The regret you feel is just the drumbeat of disapproval that society likes to heap on women for not being satisfied with looking after men and children. You are fine as you are. Learn to drown out the negativity.

DarkShade · 04/02/2023 16:54

ClearMoth · 04/02/2023 14:04

The white dress/engraved invitations/flowers and all that bollocks has NOTHING to do with sharing your life with someone who loves you, shares your life etc.

The second bit is important.

The first bit is meaningless nonsense cooked up to make money.

Show quote history

I mean, it's meaningless nonense in the same way that birthdays, graduations, New Years Eve, housewarming parties, and any other symbolic marking of an occasion is. Obviously you can graduate and age without those things, but for many people the celebration of them is part of how we narrate our lives to ourselves. My point wasn't that you need a wedding to be in love. It was that when people say they wish they had a wedding what they really mean is, I wish I had the thing that the wedding represents. Of course, if the thing a wedding represents to you is a monetary occasion then you won't want it. But to many people it represents the bit which we both agree is important, fine in my opinion.

Purplecatshopaholic · 04/02/2023 16:59

Phrenologistsfinger · 04/02/2023 12:47

Also, I don’t want anyone getting their mits on my assets, nor does DP (we both own houses and have had past partners who were cock/muff lodgers).

Sorry to derail, but can I have a snigger at Mufflodger!

maddy68 · 04/02/2023 17:08

My daughter is in her mid 30s. Not a single one of her friends is in a relationship nor Interested in one they have lots of male company which makes relationships redundant I feel they have the best of both worlds

considerablycuntierthanyou · 04/02/2023 17:10

Getting married young is usually unwise.

pavinganeweoadtowalkon · 04/02/2023 17:15

I was 34 when I got married, mostly because we had a daughter and I wanted financial security (and a big do!) It was a fabulous day.
We went on to have son. 20 years on, We're now divorced but I'm glad we married.
At your age l, you will not be an old bride! I think early 30s is the norm now? My neice is getting married this year and she's 32 (no children). My mum was married at 21 and children by 23, when I think about that it seems bonkers as my daughter is 24 and, despite being in a long term relationship, is nowhere near thinking about marriage or children.
Most important thing, if you're in a happy relationship, is to ensure that you are financially secure.

Aphrathestorm · 04/02/2023 17:18

I get feeling like that when you're young.

But when you get older it's a bit embarrassing to think you ever thought like that.

Alwaysworryingoversomething · 04/02/2023 17:20

I got married for the first and last time at 53. I never thought I would get married but am happy that I did.

It's never too late (obviously having children is a different thing!).

Reugny · 04/02/2023 17:29

OP I did some Googling - you are going to have to be older than 91 years 280 days old to be an old bride.

www.guinnessworldrecords.com/news/2015/11/guinness-world-records-confirms-that-british-newlyweds-are-oldest-couple-to-get-m-406319

Shitfather · 04/02/2023 17:35

Marriage is overrated unless you have no income and need legal protection. Marriage is no guarantee of a happy ending, and you need to stop romanticizing it as such.

Celia24 · 04/02/2023 17:45

Aged 31 I'm glad I stumbled across this thread! I was in a serious relationship before my ex partner cheated and now engaged to someone else. Sometimes I really internalise the messaging we get as young girls that you need to be married and babies for life to mean anything.

I have my own home, a good job, great social life & a hobby that I dreamt of being successful with as a child (rather than a wedding) and Im on that now. I'm open to love and a partnership, but not desperate for one. All the same it can be hard to feel judged.

I can relate to your daughter @maddy68 - my social circle sounds similar.

Celia24 · 04/02/2023 17:47

I should also say that while single, I do enjoy men's company sexually when I feel the need for it. I can in fact have sex without something more serious despite what the media tells you. And after a weekend with them or them with me, I'm happy to be alone again at the end of it. I suppose I just wish as a society we were more open to different types of happiness/ways of living.

RingRingRingGoesTheTelephone · 04/02/2023 17:58

If you wanted to get married you'd have done it before having kids, it clearly wasn't a priority given you've had 2 children before you thought about it. Seems strange you are motivated to get married now after having kids? Sounds like you feel like you missed out on the wedding day, not the marriage bit, not really the best reason for wanting to get married.

ClearMoth · 04/02/2023 18:33

DarkShade · 04/02/2023 16:54

I mean, it's meaningless nonense in the same way that birthdays, graduations, New Years Eve, housewarming parties, and any other symbolic marking of an occasion is. Obviously you can graduate and age without those things, but for many people the celebration of them is part of how we narrate our lives to ourselves. My point wasn't that you need a wedding to be in love. It was that when people say they wish they had a wedding what they really mean is, I wish I had the thing that the wedding represents. Of course, if the thing a wedding represents to you is a monetary occasion then you won't want it. But to many people it represents the bit which we both agree is important, fine in my opinion.

Show quote history

I didn't do the graduation thing either and I have three degrees (bachelor's, master's, PhD). I don’t do birthdays etc either. I acknowledge that I'm a bit unusual in this respect.

But I do think it's important to distinguish between the performative party bit and what it really means.

To me- divorce is possible, and common. A show off wedding is no guarantee of anything. What matters to me is the commitment my husband and I show to each other and to our kids, day/month/year in, and out

I am not clear from the op's post what it is she is sad about missing. Is it the one day of party, dress, photos and attention, or is it the long term commitment?

It's hard to answer constructively without understanding that.

DonnaBanana · 04/02/2023 18:57

There’s nothing wrong with it at all! I’m sure you would make a fantastic bride at whatever age if you eventually have the chance but it’s no big deal if you don’t. It’s better to be married once at an older age than multiple times young..

YouAreNotBatman · 04/02/2023 19:00

maddy68 · 04/02/2023 17:08

My daughter is in her mid 30s. Not a single one of her friends is in a relationship nor Interested in one they have lots of male company which makes relationships redundant I feel they have the best of both worlds

I find it fascinating how different we are!
I’d love love, romance and relationship, but I don’t want to have to have sex, so I kind of have to be single.

Sex, but no relationship/companion would be worst of both worlds to me!🙃

Darkstar4855 · 04/02/2023 19:04

I’m getting married next year at 43 and I have zero regrets about not doing it younger. Instead of feeling under pressure to look incredible and have the picture perfect fairytale wedding, we’re having the kind of day that WE want i.e. relaxed and fun. Plus we can afford it without getting into debt.

YABU.

CarolineHelston · 04/02/2023 19:05

I got married when I was 38. My husband wanted to marry more than I did. He prompted me into proposing to him on February 29.

Though we loved/love one another we mainly married as a way of sorting out legal/financial issues.

We had a very low key wedding with close friends, that was absolutely nothing like the sort of Hello magazine production number that seems to be what people aspire to now.

It really isn't about some big showy day as far as I'm concerned. We were skint at the time and these days we might have had a slightly bigger party. But having a small cheap do had a lovely informal - yet special - quality.

DarkShade · 04/02/2023 19:10

ClearMoth · 04/02/2023 18:33

I didn't do the graduation thing either and I have three degrees (bachelor's, master's, PhD). I don’t do birthdays etc either. I acknowledge that I'm a bit unusual in this respect.

But I do think it's important to distinguish between the performative party bit and what it really means.

To me- divorce is possible, and common. A show off wedding is no guarantee of anything. What matters to me is the commitment my husband and I show to each other and to our kids, day/month/year in, and out

I am not clear from the op's post what it is she is sad about missing. Is it the one day of party, dress, photos and attention, or is it the long term commitment?

It's hard to answer constructively without understanding that.

Show quote history

Yes I basically agree, and I think like you say it probably ties in to general attitudes about this stuff. I love all of those things - that PhD graduation hat (!), Birthdays, Christmas, all of it. I like having solid symbolic occasions to represent the achievement or life stage or whatever it is. It's also easy to visualise. When I think about this alternate life I could have had with someone whom I love, I don't really know what to visualise. I don't know what this person would look like, and I don't know what else in my life would be different. So visualising self in nice dress with people I know is a stand in visual for all of that stuff that I can't fill in. But yes, I agree that the wedding and the marriage are different, and I'm just as happy envisioning an elopment at the local registery office.

When people who have been together for decades break up my mum says "that's a shame, she never even got a wedding out of it" and that I simply don't comprehend.

purplehair1 · 04/02/2023 19:10

55 never married - happy though. Still might happen but not enormously bothered.

BabyOnBoard90 · 04/02/2023 19:13

The value of your life isn't determined by whether you're married or have children.

Nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about.

ThomasinaLivesHere · 04/02/2023 19:13

Whataretheodds · 04/02/2023 12:48

Have you really not modified your assumptions about what happiness /success looks like since you were a little girl?

Yes this! As a child your view of the world is just so unrealistic. I don’t think it’s healthy to think like this.

Mama2six · 04/02/2023 19:14

Married once, engaged once 6 kids and now a single mum but wish I’d never bothered and wouldn’t be again. I don’t feel like your missing much as long as you are happy that’s all that matters but each to
their own