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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To never have been married by 34...

131 replies

teacakespecial · 04/02/2023 12:33

All my friends are married or engaged. At the least they have been married!
I have 2 kids with ExP.. we were close to getting married then COVID (luckily) put a stop to that. Lockdown was the weekend before my hen do.
I'm 35 this bloody year and feel like I'll never get married, if I do I'm going to be an old bride.
Just feel sad I never got the happy ever after wedding I imagined as a little girl.
Anyone else?

OP posts:
DietrichandDiMaggio · 04/02/2023 12:57

Also there's no such thing as a happy ever after wedding. The wedding is one day and doesn't guarantee you'll be happy ever after, as the divorce rates show.

MojoMoon · 04/02/2023 12:59

Children have all sorts of dreams that are not realistic.
A fairytale wedding is one of them (usually because they've seen too many romcoms or early Disney films)

Perhaps spend a bit of time pondering what exactly you feel you are missing - a day in which you are centre of attention? A public declaration of being "desirable"? A desire to feel like everything is now safe and secure and will never change?

Getting married doesn't guarantee any of those things.

HeavenIsAHalfpipe · 04/02/2023 12:59

You're going to get the predictable 'you're lucky to be single' comments on here (from married women.) They always appear on these type of threads. I don't know why people say it. To make people feel better maybe, I just don't know. I find the comments very odd though. I think 'if your marriage is THAT bad, then why stay?'

I know a few women now (28-36-ish) who are either single, or with a man who doesn't want to get married, and tbh, most of them are not happy. The single ones are CONSTANTLY on dating sites, and as for the ones with men who won't get married... they are permanently miserable, because they see themselves as being with a man who doesn't think they are worthy of marrying.

YANBU @teacakespecial most people don't want a life permanently alone. Sure, it's OK to be single if you're single but have HAD marriage, kids etc, but for it to never have happened, is not what most women want. Some will deny this, but it's true...

I am sure there are a FEW women who are happy permanently single, but most women are not. (Hence, the massive amount of women on dating sites, and the multitude of threads like this on various forums.)

Same could be said for men, most men don't want to be single forever, despite all the bullshit 'ball & chain' type shit some men come out with.
Fact is, most men couldn't cope without their woman!!!

As I say, you will get the 'hahahaha' be grateful you're not married' type comments, but in reality, many women are happily married (despite what you read on here, because people don't post when they're happy!) And many single women (especially never married, and in their late 20s/30s, or older,) feel like you. No-one wants to be alone all their life. Not really. Not if they are being honest.

Penguinsaregreat · 04/02/2023 13:00

Thank your lucky stars you dodged a bullet.
Marriage in itself is nothing to be proud of. It’s 2023 not 1853.
If you do meet someone keep it light. Go for drinks, a meal, cinema etc etc. Then return home and enjoy your own space. That way you get the best of both worlds. Go online to have dates but don’t drop your standards.

Teeshirt · 04/02/2023 13:02

I don’t know anyone who was married by age 34, except one person. And my now elderly parents and that generation -back in the 1960s.

HeavenIsAHalfpipe · 04/02/2023 13:02

@Penguinsaregreat

Marriage in itself is nothing to be proud of. It’s 2023 not 1853.

What an utterly ridiculous comment. 🙄

ShimmeringShirts · 04/02/2023 13:04

YABU to base your self worth around whether or not you get married. You’re raising kids ffs, that’s a hell of a lot more important than marriage. Be sad if you want but it’s not an achievement to aspire to, the only reason to get married is to financially protect yourself should there be kids and everything goes tits up. You had kids before marriage so there’s not any point now aside from to have a party.

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 04/02/2023 13:05

I'm nearly 40, never been married and never want to. I have 2 DC and an ex DP, I earn well, own my house, why would I ever want to risk getting married. Don't worry, marriage is sold as a dream to little girls but it really isn't.

BCBird · 04/02/2023 13:05

53 never been married. Two.past relationships.Singje at present. Doubt will ever be married . Not anti marriage it's something I never thought would happen to me.

IHeartGeneHunt · 04/02/2023 13:07

I'm 40. Never been married but I've got a daughter. No intention of getting married, or living with anyone either. I'll have a relationship but that's it.

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 04/02/2023 13:07

HeavenIsAHalfpipe · 04/02/2023 12:59

You're going to get the predictable 'you're lucky to be single' comments on here (from married women.) They always appear on these type of threads. I don't know why people say it. To make people feel better maybe, I just don't know. I find the comments very odd though. I think 'if your marriage is THAT bad, then why stay?'

I know a few women now (28-36-ish) who are either single, or with a man who doesn't want to get married, and tbh, most of them are not happy. The single ones are CONSTANTLY on dating sites, and as for the ones with men who won't get married... they are permanently miserable, because they see themselves as being with a man who doesn't think they are worthy of marrying.

YANBU @teacakespecial most people don't want a life permanently alone. Sure, it's OK to be single if you're single but have HAD marriage, kids etc, but for it to never have happened, is not what most women want. Some will deny this, but it's true...

I am sure there are a FEW women who are happy permanently single, but most women are not. (Hence, the massive amount of women on dating sites, and the multitude of threads like this on various forums.)

Same could be said for men, most men don't want to be single forever, despite all the bullshit 'ball & chain' type shit some men come out with.
Fact is, most men couldn't cope without their woman!!!

As I say, you will get the 'hahahaha' be grateful you're not married' type comments, but in reality, many women are happily married (despite what you read on here, because people don't post when they're happy!) And many single women (especially never married, and in their late 20s/30s, or older,) feel like you. No-one wants to be alone all their life. Not really. Not if they are being honest.

You don't have to be married to be with someone though - it's not a choice of being married or alone?

Whydoitry · 04/02/2023 13:09

I was single for over a decade and didn't meet my husband until I was 36. We were married before I was 38. I expected to be single forever and had made exciting plans for my life based on that assumption.

My step-dad never married until he met my mother in his mid 40s.

It can happen at any age. I do appreciate that it's really hard though to believe it and watch it happen to everyone else.

PS plenty of my friends who married young are now divorced, unhappily married or widowed.

HangingOver · 04/02/2023 13:09

No children. No long term relationship, never married. Not embarrassed. I am sufficient as I am

Preeeeeach!

Alaldlccmemsjzja · 04/02/2023 13:11

I was quite depressed reading the “when did you met yojr DH” thread or something and most were like “21” “19” “25”

it made me think oh god, maybe it is actually too late

xJoy · 04/02/2023 13:13

I think these feelings are heightened in your thirties. I had 2 dc and hadn't married their dad. I actually left him at 37 because not only did he not want to marry me but I'd realised he was a poor specimen of a human being and it's not musical chairs. You don' t have to ahve the last wonky chair just to stay in the game. It's not like a job where you stay with a boring job til you find a more interesting one. You can decide, no, this bullshit, this heel-dragging reluctance isn't good enough for me. I'm in my early 50s now and the last thing on earth I want is to get married. Even men my own age wouldn't want to date somebody their own age so I doubt it'll be a BIG problem for me! Not wanting to get married! But honestly, it's such an over rated thing and if you just work on independence, and bravery you'll be better off in the end. (IMO). Other happily married people may disagree.

Yarrawonga · 04/02/2023 13:16

Also there's no such thing as a happy ever after wedding.

Of course there is.

Riapia · 04/02/2023 13:17

OP This is AIBU any views expressed on here are not necessarily those of the person posting them.

TheLostNights · 04/02/2023 13:19

As the others have said, it isn't a happy ending to get married. That's just a disney fantasy we are sold as children.

xJoy · 04/02/2023 13:21

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 04/02/2023 12:54

I'm 60, unmarried and zero regrets.

I bet! with every passing decade I feel like I see through it.

I feel that having young children makes women feel temporarily vulnerabile, so that their 'dream' is very old fashioned. Very dependent. To be part of a unit. To be one half of a couple. Not saying that these ''ideals'' diminish for everybody as they age but they definitely did for me, as I aged and as my children got older. Now my ideals are to be confident as a single person, to be brave enough to be part of the community. Not always certain what that is but ykwim.

I work with women my own age and oh my god they hate their husbands it's hilarious. I know there may be an element of big talk for humour though. makes a change from the 30 somethings I used to work with. They were all ''oh he proposed in the moonlight by the champs elysee and then we ate lobster and drank champagne from the wicker basket on the back of his motorbike. then the next woman has to top that.

Nottodaysausage · 04/02/2023 13:24

I'm 36, I've turned down 2 proposals and currently single.
The only way I would get married would be if there were huge financial gains (for me) and they promised not to live in the same house as me.
I find romantic partners way too needy and a bit of a drain on me. Always happier single 😊

trieditbuyedit · 04/02/2023 13:25

Ahhhh Op it could be worse. You could have an £8000 wedding dress from 2015 still on the top of your wardrobe unworn and rapidly going out of fashion 🥲

Iris1976 · 04/02/2023 13:29

I don't see how it's embarrassing as previous poster said,I'm 46 never been married,no partner but 2 kids,my one sister is 43 no kids no partner husband etc,hardly any boyfriends,oldest sister been married and divorce twice,engaged 4 times and baby sister married at 19 and about to celebrate 20 years married,we all come through life differently.

Bubblebubblebah · 04/02/2023 13:30

It's fine to feel sad sometimes that things didn't work out as you imagined.

I am sure eventually you will get happily ever after and being older bride is not bad at all. You might have really easy wedding with older kids 😁 even childfree of you wait bit longer!

redbigbananafeet · 04/02/2023 13:33

Just wait a few years and they'll all be getting divorced. (I'm being flippant) Best to wait for the right relationship than settling for the right now relationship.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 04/02/2023 13:34

I am sure there are a FEW women who are happy permanently single, but most women are not

Got a citation for that? I mean, I know generalisations are by their very nature sweeping, but I'd like to see some figures backing that assertion up.