Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To never have been married by 34...

131 replies

teacakespecial · 04/02/2023 12:33

All my friends are married or engaged. At the least they have been married!
I have 2 kids with ExP.. we were close to getting married then COVID (luckily) put a stop to that. Lockdown was the weekend before my hen do.
I'm 35 this bloody year and feel like I'll never get married, if I do I'm going to be an old bride.
Just feel sad I never got the happy ever after wedding I imagined as a little girl.
Anyone else?

OP posts:
Iris1976 · 04/02/2023 13:35

Oh and friends,out of the 6 of us only one married and now divorced.

ClearMoth · 04/02/2023 13:37

When i was a little girl I fantasised about being a famous writer, an actress, an explorer, a rock star, an artist etc.

Never sat around daydreaming about a bloody white dress and choosing seat covers. It's not much of a dream, is it?

Toiletfriend · 04/02/2023 13:38

I married at 41. Biggest mistake of my life. Getting divorced 16 months later. Never again!

Beenmum · 04/02/2023 13:39

OP … it is perfectly possible that you will still meet someone that you want to marry - 34 is not half so old as you think … I married at 35 and now have 2 young teens and still have the husband

Taxanimal · 04/02/2023 13:45

seeing the stress of divorce some friends are going through atm if I had my time again I wouldn’t bother getting married. Don’t worry about it.

SlaveToTheVibe · 04/02/2023 13:45

The wedding is the start, not the happy ever after. We need to stop peddling these myths.

I’m very happily married and have been for 15 years but would still never say I’ve got my happy ever after. Who knows what the future holds?

xJoy · 04/02/2023 13:46

@HeavenIsAHalfpipe blimey, for every single woman on a dating site, there are more not on a dating site. I think dating sites always publish figures showing more male members than female members.

Also, like many women, I had a look to see what was out there when I was in my forties and seeing what was out there was a factor in my decision to be content single. The calibre of what's available is not high. What's available to me anyway. Older men who lie about their age, overweight men who only date women 15 years younger, players, men with tempers, men who drink, men who are voyeurs. ....

I can't be alone in coming to the conclusion that it was the looking for a man that was making me unhappy and very definitely not the being single. There is a lot of societal pressure to fix being single though. The mcrelationships I endured were awful. I felt relief every time one of those fledgling relationships ended. Like phew, a rest. But then for some I started looking again. Back on the misery conveyor belt. Eventually I got sense and just leaned in to that relief I felt when the last hopeless man salió de mi vida.

It's a mug's game. And the wise will see through it eventually, yes, I flatter myself to consider myself wise to all the bullshit now.

Hidingawaytoday · 04/02/2023 13:46

HeavenIsAHalfpipe · 04/02/2023 13:02

@Penguinsaregreat

Marriage in itself is nothing to be proud of. It’s 2023 not 1853.

What an utterly ridiculous comment. 🙄

Why is it ridiculous? I'm married, and I can't see why it's something to be particularly proud of - it's not something I've worked hard for, or a massive achievement in my life? DH compliments my life - he doesn't define it.

xJoy · 04/02/2023 13:49

Yeh, marriage is nothing to be proud of in itself. We could all be married if we just lowered the bar low enough. Lower, no takers? lower? ok, you're married, well done.

I think it takes more awareness and bravery to fully participate in life as a single in a world of couples. That's an achievement.

plumduck · 04/02/2023 13:51

The wedding isn't the happily ever after. It's the happiest day of the relationship. All downhill from there.

TedMullins · 04/02/2023 13:55

It depends on the circles you move in I guess. I’m almost 34 and only know one person who’s married with kids, she’s almost 40. The rest of my friends range from long term relationships with no intention to marry, casually dating, together but not living together, or single. It isn’t remotely embarrassing.

I can’t say I ever fantasised about a wedding or marriage as a kid. Being famous, yes! Being an author, an archaeologist, basically all my dreams centred me and doing things on my own terms. I’m in a happy relationship now but I don’t want to live with him. It would be more embarrassing in my friendship circle to base your entire self worth on whether or not you’ve legally bound yourself to a man.

DarkShade · 04/02/2023 14:01

I would never ever admit this in real life as it does make people want to throw up, but yes, I completely understand. I'm a similar age and have an otherwise ok life - ok job that I've worked hard for, decent friends, a fab kid. I thought I was going to marry DC's dad but we never got round to it, which it turns out was just as well. I'd gotten as far as buying a wedding dress. I'm not a dress person so never expected to want to wear one, but I just came across it one day and absolutely loved it, felt beautiful in it.

I do feel sad knowing that I will never get to wear it and have that special party with family and friends, those beautiful photos you can look back on with everyone you love in the picture, all smiling and dressed up. But I guess the sadness is representative of something deeper than feeling beautiful at a party - it's the sadness of missing out on feeling like you have found someone to share your life with, someone who understands and loves you, someone who you makes you feel so happy that you want to get all dressed up and throw a party with everyone you know. It's the knowledge that even if you do find someone, the chance to really do life from the ground up has gone - make the big choices like where you'll live, support each others jobs, have children together.

But anyway. There is more to life, as I'm sure you know too!

ClearMoth · 04/02/2023 14:02

plumduck · 04/02/2023 13:51

The wedding isn't the happily ever after. It's the happiest day of the relationship. All downhill from there.

The day I got married isn't even in my top 20 best memories of our relationship (so far). Many, many happier, more important, more intense, sexier, more emotional events happened at other times.

ClearMoth · 04/02/2023 14:04

DarkShade · 04/02/2023 14:01

I would never ever admit this in real life as it does make people want to throw up, but yes, I completely understand. I'm a similar age and have an otherwise ok life - ok job that I've worked hard for, decent friends, a fab kid. I thought I was going to marry DC's dad but we never got round to it, which it turns out was just as well. I'd gotten as far as buying a wedding dress. I'm not a dress person so never expected to want to wear one, but I just came across it one day and absolutely loved it, felt beautiful in it.

I do feel sad knowing that I will never get to wear it and have that special party with family and friends, those beautiful photos you can look back on with everyone you love in the picture, all smiling and dressed up. But I guess the sadness is representative of something deeper than feeling beautiful at a party - it's the sadness of missing out on feeling like you have found someone to share your life with, someone who understands and loves you, someone who you makes you feel so happy that you want to get all dressed up and throw a party with everyone you know. It's the knowledge that even if you do find someone, the chance to really do life from the ground up has gone - make the big choices like where you'll live, support each others jobs, have children together.

But anyway. There is more to life, as I'm sure you know too!

The white dress/engraved invitations/flowers and all that bollocks has NOTHING to do with sharing your life with someone who loves you, shares your life etc.

The second bit is important.

The first bit is meaningless nonsense cooked up to make money.

DizzyRascal · 04/02/2023 14:06

I actually left him at 37 because not only did he not want to marry me but I'd realised he was a poor specimen of a human being and it's not musical chairs. You don' t have to ahve the last wonky chair just to stay in the game. It's not like a job where you stay with a boring job til you find a more interesting one. You can decide, no, this bullshit, this heel-dragging reluctance isn't good enough for me
I LOVE this post 😍

I do get what you mean OP, in a way. I have been married, but never did the beautiful dress and reception thing. I do sometimes wish I had had that day, looking gorgeous,with all my friends there. However, I am much older than you, at 35 I could have still got away with the white spangley frock!

Blablablablaba · 04/02/2023 14:06

Lots of people don't get married though. I know plenty of folk mid 30's or older who aren't married but have been together 10-20yrs+ Some people just see it as a bit of paper. Some folk want the big wedding but can't afford it. Others say they just didn't get round to it too busy having babies.

I'm married but in reality it changed absolutely nothing for us. We had already bought a house together, shared finances etc so made no difference really apart from I now have his surname.

HungryandIknowit · 04/02/2023 14:07

Happy ever after post wedding is not a thing. You get married then carry on living your life / lives.

Bonjovispjs · 04/02/2023 14:12

56 and never been married and wouldn't have it any other way. Mumsnet never fails to make me happy that I'm single with all the women complaining about their useless husbands.

MysteryBelle · 04/02/2023 14:14

Meghan Markle was 36 wasn’t she before she married, well the 2nd time. My husband was 32 when we got married. You’re very young! And you have two children in your life you’re thankful for. Not being married can be better than getting married then divorced or some (not all) step family situations that turn out to be very difficult. I know several people who got married for the first time in their 40s. And they are very happy. The truth is, many many married couples are miserable. Be hopeful, you will very probably meet a wonderful person!

NHSmummy84 · 04/02/2023 14:24

It's not all it's cracked up to be. I was married at 26, divorced by 34! It cost me £35k to buy my life back! 100% overrated IMO

Forestwalks · 04/02/2023 14:27

I’m 38 and never been married or engaged. It’s really not on my list of things I want to do either.

10HailMarys · 04/02/2023 14:27

It's not 1950, ffs. And the fact that you’re focusing on the wedding day you imagined as a child suggests you’re more interested in wearing a pretty dress than in the actual practicalities of a lifelong relationship. Grow up.

BadNomad · 04/02/2023 14:37

It's probably a good thing that you're not married if you think of it as just the wedding, or as some kind of achievement. Relationships take work. Being married won't change that.

Ruffpuff · 04/02/2023 14:39

Weddings are expensive and over-rated. They’re still only big because people have found ways to make loads of money from them.

Snarf23 · 04/02/2023 15:27

I’m 43 not married but in a happy long term relationship. No kids. No burning desire to get married either. We may one day, who knows but it’s not a failure to have not gotten married.

Swipe left for the next trending thread