To need some serious lessons from mums with older kids about the whole school etiquette and what seems to be a social minefield???!!!!!

[SlB09]

5yr old started reception in september, I had a wobble around the first month of 'I've not made any friends' 'everyone else knows each other' 'i feel like the odd one out' scenario. I had a sense check and got over it, but now it's returned. I feel like I know nothing around general etiquette of school!

First and only child so no experience with all this, he's an absolute social butterfly and happy talking to adults/children/loves the younger siblings etc - which actually I think puts some people off. Me......I just feel awkward and contrived! I'm not the best small talker but do make the effort. I hate going to birthday parties of which there has been many while class ones as I feel like I'm sat on my own (I recently found out at the last party alot of the mums went to school together-we moved here almost 2yrs ago and is a small town where alot of people grew up & live). Or I strike up conversation and the next week they stride straight past at the school gates like we've never talked!

'Play dates' (or having your friend round for tea as it was when I was younger!)..... Do these even start at this age? Should we be asking other parents if their kid wants to come round?
Should I just be patient and wait until he forms firmer friendships in the years to come? At this age it seems one day they are friends the next someone's done something to the other etc.

he has plenty of our friends kids of same age to play with and cousins the same age so there's never a weekend without anyone else. Me and his dad have a good set of friends, I'm not even sure why it bothers me - guess I feel left out which is crackers I'm a 39 year old woman!!!! And I'm sure not many mum friendships made at school span a lifetime.

seasons mums, any answers to my many questions? Solutions?solidarity?!

Ahhh I hear ya.

Im on my way out with a DD in year 6 so my days of feeling extremely awkward are very much over!

It’s early days yet, you feel like you’re the only one who doesn’t know a soul but you really won’t be.

You’ll get the cliques, the PTFA bunch, the ‘gym’ group, the ‘posh’ mums from the other end of the village etc. Some are nice, some not so.

I wasn’t good on approaching people so I used to spy out the other loners and make a point of standing to them at the next pick up. I’d make some innocuous comment about the weather, or how ‘Dave’ wouldn’t settle last night because he’d had a bad dream or whatever.

It worked for me, and I ended up having some of the best times of my 30s with a group of them. Not anymore mind because we’ve all gone our separate ways now, but it was good fun!

I hope you manage to get chatting to people, but it also doesn’t matter if you don’t. You’re just a random group of people thrown together. If you get to make the best of it then great…if you don’t then fuck it!

Be patient. I’m a quality not quantity person at heart; nonetheless I felt really rubbish when I realised loads of the mums had immediately formed a group and I had been oblivious. But I made other friends, randomly, at the park! Got chatting to people and liked them and now we socialise. I’ve got one particular really good friend now from DD’s class as we actually got chatting at the park after lockdown ended! I did have to be brave and put myself out there a bit
. Now I also have a few I’ll make small talk with in the queue and as your child makes friends you’ll probably find one or two mums you click with.
if you actively want to make friends (we were new to the area so I did), you have to be brave and prepared to look silly.

Your child has gone to school - not you. As long as he makes friends that's all that matters.

My two are in high school now. I work so never did the school run. Lots of other parents are the same. I never felt any need to find playground friends for me.

You said you've already got lots of friends so stop worrying.

Not much help but I managed 4 primary schools over a ten year period without really making school mum friends. However, I am a massive introvert so this suited me. I was kind of adopted by some extrovert for a bit during my youngest’s last year as we were the only parents in that year who still
collected our children. From what I remember they relentlessly just talked to me and, like most people, I was too polite to do anything other then respond. I guess you will just have to put yourself out there. From what I observed is all friendship groups (parents/kids/teachers) changed over the years so there’s plenty of opportunities for you to click with someone.

@MajorCarolDanvers my head absolutely says this and I agree. My heart however twangs Abit every now and again and just appreciate advice from those who are more experienced than me

I'd be pleasant and seek out those on the periphery to test the water with. When your DC gets older, you make a few connections arranging for them to meet up. If you want to get more involved, volunteer or something? I keep in touch with one person years later. My DD is still friends with another one from primary, so I have the odd chat with her parents. It's a strange time in life. That hanging around day in day out. If your DC is quite sociable, I'd just take his lead with meeting up with others. I wouldn't bother until year 1. And don't worry too much. Just see who he's friends with and either try and find a parent after school, or give a note for the book bag inviting them round to play or asking to meet up in the park or something. Take it one step at a time and don't worry too much. In some ways it's better to take a step back. The very tight knit groups of parents at the beginning at our school ended up having huge fall outs. Just keep your dignity as it's a long haul.

I’ve been on the school run for well over a decade with multiple children. What really puts me off is parents who are trying to make friends for themselves.

School is for our children, we’ve had our turn. I’ve had a few women really force themselves on me over the years. Asking constantly if we can go for coffee etc. Our children being friends doesn’t mean we should be. In fact it can often become complicated when Johnny & Kevin are besties but mums have realised they aren’t so compatible after all. It’s hard to pull back then.

People chat with you at parties because it’s polite. There shouldn’t be any expectation that you are now friends.

Perhaps it’s just me though because I always hear about these mum cliques and how others feel excluded. I don’t understand it all. Makes even less sense when you and your child have lots of friends already.

I literally don't bother at all, I may have small talk at parties or polite chit chat in the playground but I avoid the school playground politics. I have enough friends and a busy life and I just don't want to get involved.

Your DS will make friends naturally and then you invite for playdates but to be honest, I haven't done many of those either because I hate them. My children still have plenty of friends but we have busy weekends shared with their dad and after school I work and they are in childcare so not much chance.

I've never gone in for making friends on the school run. I have, over the years, got friendly with my oldest sons (16) friends mums but I don't remember talking to them in the playground. I used to turn up at the last minute to be honest. As your little boy makes friends, you will probably see things changing x

Has your child made any friends yet, or are there any children he really talks about? I would probably go and talk to those parents first (you can get your kid to point out their friend if you don't know) and just say my kid talks about yours a lot, do you want to meet up in half term so they can play? Try and swap numbers and plan to meet somewhere. Less intense than having them round when you don't know them! Once you know one, you'll get to know others.

Join the PTA. It will give you the school gossip and they generally always need help. And you'll get to know more people.

It’s very early days. I ended up with a lovely group of friends from school but not really until Y1
Dont rush, just continue to be friendly but have zero expectations.

I voted YABU but only because you sound far too invested in this. It sounds like you have a full life. You don't need to become besties with the school run mums. Just be polite and if it happens, it happens.

I'm about 13 yrs into school runs with a lot more to go and been through a few different schools. Some schools are friendlier than others and I've hated the unfriendly ones. Its early days, things will probably change. Agree joining the pta will really help if you have the time

It’s tricky. I would have preferred to keep myself to myself but children pick up on these things. Mine wouldn’t have wanted me to stand on my own talking to no one. It’s such a relief when they move into high school.

Find someone else on their own and start chatting! We moved to a new area where people knew each other and now I’ve got a nice little group, but it does take time so you’re relatively new.
I was chatting to someone new last week and she invited me on a dog walk with her this week, that sort of thing is how friendships start to form. Just put yourself out there, good luck Op!

This, basically.

I couldn’t care less about the other school mums/dads. I mean, I’ll be polite if someone speaks to me at collection or drop off, but otherwise it barely registers. Same at parties.

As far as play dates go, don’t overthink it. Either wait until your child asks for them and/or is invited to them 🤷‍♀️

My youngest DC3 is year 5 now, so I'm almost out of the woods (and he goes to ASC sometimes). I hate the school playground. I have 2 good friends made oner the years of school pick up. Fellow loners, really. 1 of my good friends moved here when our DDs were in year 1. Our DDs aren't particularly good friends, but we are.

I've never made the effort with DS's classmates' parents. Now that DD is at high school, I'm a loner again. I know what you mean about chatting at an event and them striding past you at the school gate.

I've never been very good socially and don't really understand 'the rules'

Hope you find 1 or 2 other parents that make the school run bearable @SlB09

This^^

Most parents are just there to collect their kids and don't want to make friends with other parents. That said, sometimes you do make proper friends but it's not the norm. Having a wobble because you haven't made any friends is disproportionate. That's what kids worry about when they start school, not parents in the playground!

I am friendly to but not friends with all the parents at school. I arrange playdates when my DCs ask me to. You hear of parents trying to engineer friendships between their DCs and 'sitting them down to sort out their issues' if they aren't friends anymore, but that way madness, awkwardness and forcing your kid on to another kid lies. Don't do that. Friends and friendship groups change all the time at primary age. Bullying or nastiness aside, you don't need to interfere in your DC's friendships and even then, approach the school not the other parent. (Sorry if this seems a little irrelevant, but I think it ties in with the whole wanting to make friends with school parents thing)

Mine are year 3 and year R and I also used to work in schools.

I treat it like I do work colleagues. I'm friendly with them, but I don't expect to make best friends with them and it doesn't upset me if I don't make friends. We have to see these people a lot over seven years so sometimes a healthy distance is better

Don't take it personally if you think people are blanking you. They're most likely thinking about that work call/what to make for dinner and do they need to go to tesco/can they make it on time for swimming/need to book a dentist appointment and literally don't even see you.

Jesus Christ your child has been in school since September, chill the fuck out!
Go drop your child off, come home, go back pick them up, job done.
Do you think Dads worry about this shit? No.
Let your child make his own friends, he will eventually ask if such and such can come for tea, then make the arrangements.
Friendships will happen naturally on the way to and from school.
Go on school trips that way you will learn to kids who your child plays with and then that's another way to get chatting with mums if you want to
But seriously you need to stop being so anxious about it.

I am pretty sure when I was dropping my child off and shooting straight to work I never stopped to chat and probably looked stand offish - but I was rushing to go to work!

I think it just takes time, there are lots of mums from DD’s Year 2 class that I’m friendly with, one I chat with quite a bit as our kids are friends and we do the same job, but we’re not super close.

DS is in reception and I’m mostly on ‘good morning’ terms with most of the Mums. There is one I chat with more and I think that we probably will be good friends when we get to know each other better, both our DS’s have autism and are at quite a similar stage and she ‘gets it’ completely.

I genuinely don't see what a 5 minute task twice a day causes so much angst among people