To need some serious lessons from mums with older kids about the whole school etiquette and what seems to be a social minefield???!!!!!

[SlB09]

5yr old started reception in september, I had a wobble around the first month of 'I've not made any friends' 'everyone else knows each other' 'i feel like the odd one out' scenario. I had a sense check and got over it, but now it's returned. I feel like I know nothing around general etiquette of school!

First and only child so no experience with all this, he's an absolute social butterfly and happy talking to adults/children/loves the younger siblings etc - which actually I think puts some people off. Me......I just feel awkward and contrived! I'm not the best small talker but do make the effort. I hate going to birthday parties of which there has been many while class ones as I feel like I'm sat on my own (I recently found out at the last party alot of the mums went to school together-we moved here almost 2yrs ago and is a small town where alot of people grew up & live). Or I strike up conversation and the next week they stride straight past at the school gates like we've never talked!

'Play dates' (or having your friend round for tea as it was when I was younger!)..... Do these even start at this age? Should we be asking other parents if their kid wants to come round?
Should I just be patient and wait until he forms firmer friendships in the years to come? At this age it seems one day they are friends the next someone's done something to the other etc.

he has plenty of our friends kids of same age to play with and cousins the same age so there's never a weekend without anyone else. Me and his dad have a good set of friends, I'm not even sure why it bothers me - guess I feel left out which is crackers I'm a 39 year old woman!!!! And I'm sure not many mum friendships made at school span a lifetime.

seasons mums, any answers to my many questions? Solutions?solidarity?!

I think most people make that decision on sight. The chat is confirmation.

I've given up!

God i would hope most people would be led by who their child enjoys playing with and go from there! Unless obviously there red flags or weird vibes. I would never expect my child to be friends with another because I liked the parent! Tw eperate relationships

You are worrying too much about this. I sympathize as I do know what you mean. I'm socially awkward and tbh, I'm not that great at talking to other women.
There's a few mum cliques at DDs school. I've never been much good at cliques, I'm not bothered about being involved. I say hello to lots of people but I wouldn't say I have any friends from the school run at all. I have plenty of friends and family who I don't have time to see 😅 so not going to add to it.
At kids parties I sometimes seek out the people sat by themselves and say hello or strike up a conversation. Doesn't have to lead to a friendship or anything.
Just be yourself, be civil and friendly but no need to force anything. This is about your child and as long as they are happy in school that's the main thing.

I am super socially awkward, so I can empathise a bit. This is what worked for me:

Volunteer for stuff at school so you meet other parents.

Ask friends back for a play after school. Invite their parents in for a coffee when they drop off or pick up (or they might stay).

If you have got talking to any parents via either of the above options, chat to them. Remember things they have mentioned and ask how they went.

Be really warm about everyone's kids, "He's such a good runner" or "dc has told me how funny your dc is". Obviously truthful stuff, but say it out loud.

Don't get sucked into dc fall outs. The dc will be friends again in no time.

Have you found a difference between boys and girls?
Just an observation but it seems the girl mum's chat/are getting to know each other and the boy mum's haven't/are taking longer?? Not sure if boys are abit less bothered about 'best friends' at this age than girls?!

I personally don't know anyone since secondary.
There is a group for SEN parents but I can't say I've ever met any of them. We aren't big on school events, parents evening has been online since 2020, they don't go to parties as no one bothers here.

I have a boy and a girl both teens, one year 10 the other year 11.

Takes time if you don’t already know them.

We have a load of park play dates in summer (basically “we’ll be at the paddling pool all Sunday afternoon with snacks if anyone else is”). We had a little Halloween party (4 friends and some crafts/playtime). Birthday party. Goes to everything he’s invited to.

After school play dates aren’t really a thing when so many parents works. DS spends long enough in school, he always seems happy enough to have a chilled out weekend with family. He still has plenty of friends. I think afterschool care helps, he gets to play with other children but I don’t have to facilitate it!

I have noticed that the girls seem to have 2-4 absolute best friends, whereas the boys seem happy to play with anybody who wants to join in. I’m sure that isn’t universal, but generally speaking there does seem to be a difference, yes.

@Saschka were the same with after school club, he plays and I don't have to do anything - ideal haha!

Also sorted a couple of 'playdates' in Easter hols so will meet parents then aswell. Probably more out of guilt that he wouldn't see friends over school hols but to be honest I don't remember seeing people until I was old enough to go knock on them myself when I was younger - so much older than DS.

Not big on playdates personally but seeing how freeplay at after school has developed friendships and social skills in him I actually can see how socialising outside of the classroom is good for them (he does plenty with relatives and friends children though)