To need some serious lessons from mums with older kids about the whole school etiquette and what seems to be a social minefield???!!!!!

[SlB09]

5yr old started reception in september, I had a wobble around the first month of 'I've not made any friends' 'everyone else knows each other' 'i feel like the odd one out' scenario. I had a sense check and got over it, but now it's returned. I feel like I know nothing around general etiquette of school!

First and only child so no experience with all this, he's an absolute social butterfly and happy talking to adults/children/loves the younger siblings etc - which actually I think puts some people off. Me......I just feel awkward and contrived! I'm not the best small talker but do make the effort. I hate going to birthday parties of which there has been many while class ones as I feel like I'm sat on my own (I recently found out at the last party alot of the mums went to school together-we moved here almost 2yrs ago and is a small town where alot of people grew up & live). Or I strike up conversation and the next week they stride straight past at the school gates like we've never talked!

'Play dates' (or having your friend round for tea as it was when I was younger!)..... Do these even start at this age? Should we be asking other parents if their kid wants to come round?
Should I just be patient and wait until he forms firmer friendships in the years to come? At this age it seems one day they are friends the next someone's done something to the other etc.

he has plenty of our friends kids of same age to play with and cousins the same age so there's never a weekend without anyone else. Me and his dad have a good set of friends, I'm not even sure why it bothers me - guess I feel left out which is crackers I'm a 39 year old woman!!!! And I'm sure not many mum friendships made at school span a lifetime.

seasons mums, any answers to my many questions? Solutions?solidarity?!

Try and be a bit more relaxed about it. Nonchalant, even (easier said than done, I know). And then it will probably happen naturally. To put it bluntly, if you carry on stressing about it your neediness will put people off.

I think the trick is to care less. I know a lot of people get really worked up about “school gate mums”. I honestly have never really understood this.

But I have made some decent friendships among my daughters parents and I did nothing beyond being reasonable friendly and having a couple of birthday parties.

The less you worry about this the better. Concentrate on your kids and your own existing friendships and just know you can’t force it. If you make friends at school, great. If you don’t it doesn’t matter. Your kids will be fine.

I work p/t so 3/5 of DD's drop-off and collection was done by her childminder.

I managed to speak chit-chat with some other mums on my days but nothing which evolved into more than that. No need for me, I didn't do the school run to make friends.

What is helpful if you have the contact details of some who live near you. We had a couple of times where both DH and I were too ill to bring DD to school or other emergencies and we had one mum living nearby and she would collect and bring DD back. Equally we were happy to help out. That evolved over a period of time.

I get it. These things happen slowly. You will find your tribe - if you want to. If you want to make friends you’ll need to make an effort eg play dates / meeting mums for coffee etc… but tbh this all happens pretty slowly. Don’t stress and don’t force it. And you’re going to need a thick skin!!

In answer to your question about playdates then yes, they happen. If your child has mentioned any specific children do go ahead and invite them over. I would leave it as saying parent welcome to come too or not so they have the choice. DD is in Reception and I've had both, one on a Saturday afternoon where I stayed and had a coffee and a chat and one where other child's mum took them home from school for dinner and dropped her back later.

I don’t have children. I do see on here something urgent coming up that means parent can’t drop off a child at school or attend assembly. suggestions of asking other parents of children in the class to drop off or give a wave if OP will reciprocate.
If you have lots of friends may not be an issue.
do the parents who have been through it think that is a reason to make the effort?

I live in a similar small town OP. I found it hard at first at when I realised that the other parents all seemed to be connected in some way and happily chatting because they already knew each other. It was a surprise to me actually because I had lived here a while and hadn't really realised how strongly connected people here are. The majority are very rooted. Anyway it was fine. It gradually becomes less awkward and more familiar. I found that I gravitated towards the other lonely people from 'off', or the kind grandmas, or the parents I eventually got to know through my children's friends. It took time. I can remember feeling very awkward at times and wishing the teacher would hurry the hell up! but I did end up having some good laughs and chats and made one firm friend for life. I know some people are saying it's only five minutes but it does help to have people to share info and experiences with. My eldest is at uni now and I still chat to two of his primary school friends mums, not loads, but it i find it really helpful and supportive to have people around who are going through the same stage. I think if your child has made a friend it is definitely a good idea to get them invited round for tea or a play

I have 2 close friends left from primary mums. One from dd and 1 from ds. Plus a couple of others I don't see often but like. My kids are now older teens. We were never in a group. They were just mums of my kids friends who I clicked with and we did stuff together in holidays etc.
Reception is still young and your sons friendship will be quite fluid still.

Just keep chatting to people at the school gates.

I'm not a big fan of playdates at my house cos I can't be arsed, but in reception I'd ask other mums 1-1 whether they wanted to come to soft play with us etc.

If someone invites your DC round to theirs, always reciprocate the invite.

At parties, if you recognise the other mums sat in a group, go over and ask "can I pull up a chair?"

Keep talking to people. Get on (or set up a class WhatsApp group) altho in reception you may not have had enough parties to have enough numbers for a group.

It's a minefield! 3 teen kids here.
You'll meet the cliques, the wanna-be's, the loners, like life - there's all sorts.

Personally, from experience in 6 schools, I'd say don't get too het up on it. What matters is that your kid is happy.

Watch out for 'alpha - mums". Three schools I know have the PTA cliques who almost (secretly) vet the new PTA members and have put off some that have enquired. One was a tight group that disbanded once they'd left and the "head-mum" dropped the others like a hot potato once she started at the posher secondary school. PTA's might be the social climbers or the ones who want to do something good for the school, you'll get a feel for it.

I've had years of parties, school events etc where you chat etc but NOT in each other's pockets. Then the occasional play dates. It's early days for you - let it evolve.

I have made two of my closest friends from school intro's. One primary, one secondary. I'm very friendly but selective and never wanted to be part of a clique. (BTW, the close parent friend from primary - our kids weren't friends and still aren't 13yrs later, the one from secondary, the kids are firm friends and her DD treats me like a second mum.)

Don't force it or appear too eager. With time you'll see how you want to proceed and who you might want to grab a coffee with.

Some of my best friends are mums I met in the playground. None of us were the alpha mum types who were in the middle of everything. We just found each other by chatting to someone else who was also a bit on their own at parties, letting our kids invite a friend for a playdate and seeing if the mum fancied coffee too.

Lots of people feel a bit awkward in the playground or at parties. They will appreciate someone chatting to them.

Please don’t assume your PTA will be a clique. Most are desperate for people to share the workload as parents often (understandably) haven’t got the time to help. Mostly it’s unglamorous work like shifting loads of chairs out of the school hall to make room for an PTA event, shopping for food/drink at your local supermarket for days event, clearing up after an event etc. Not the kind of stuff you’d care about keeping to a select clique of people!!
Actually if anything, in my school, you occasionally get snooty people who think that doing this kind of manual work is beneath them & never volunteer for anything. We would never, ever turn anyone away who is willing to muck in.
Yes it can be hard work sometimes but if you’re doing it with a bunch of nice people who all have the best interests of the school at heart, it’s great fun & very rewarding and a guaranteed way to make friends 😊

I've no interest in being friends with any of the school mums so I have no advice I'm afraid 🤣

We moved to a new area the year before DC started primary. I didn't know anyone with children in the school at all, and I'm a much older mum than most of them at the school gate.

However, I did used to take and pick up from parties (and stay when it was required), so would chat to people there. Attended all the school things, and helped at Christmas fairs, Easter things, etc. Joining the PA helped as people got to know who the 'go to' people were.
I was never that fussed about small talk in the playground, but made sure to be polite, and approach any stragglers/chat to a parent of a child my child was playing with - even if it was just "they seem to be getting on well".

Now we're at senior school. I've got a few mum friends from primary - of the 100+ people within our year group, the majority were acquaintances, but there are some good friends too. It just takes time, particularly when many people are working parents and aren't able to hang around in the mornings.

What I feel cynical about us that sometimes parent conversations can be about 'sounding out' their child's friend's family. A chat can reveal a lot about you , job, residence, martial status etc inadvertently and though it is horrible it is human nature to be judgemental This behaviour facilitates kids from 'nice' families being friends with other 'nice' children. Parents worry about their kids falling in with the wrong crowd and they will be crude judgements about children based on their parents social and economic status - horrible but it happens

I’ve made lots of acquaintance, people who I chat to, might go to soft play with once in a while but no actual friends. The only thing I have in common with most of the mums at school is we had sex in the same year that resulted in a child. I’d say friends for tea usually starts in May after Easter when children are more settled and less tired. I’ve got two children and then youngest sons class is much more friendly than my eldest sons class.

I can only speak for myself, but for me it really takes the stress out of school pick-ups to be able to message a few other mums to say, "Running 10 minutes late. Would anyone not in a hurry mind grabbing DC for me and holding onto him in the playground until I get there, sorry!" And it's nice to be in a situation where you can make things easier for someone else having a stressful day by offering to wait with their child or walk them home.

Obviously this depends on not taking advantage and paying it forward when you can, but yes it's a very good reason to be on friendly terms with other parents. They're the people who will be in the right place/going to the right place when you need them.

I don't think this is horrible at all and it's what all social interaction is based on. "Who are these people, do I like them and do I want to take things further?" are all reasonable questions to be asking yourself in my opinion.

While I understand that kids don't necessarily see the differences in families, people are gonna judge other people and that's just life.

I'm sure people judge me and that's fine too.

My approach to the school playground at drop off/pick up is to glare menacingly and talk to no one. Works a treat.

Wife takes the opposite approach and talks to anyone and everyone when she’s there. She then feels obligated to help with the PTA, go on “mums night out” socials ect ect

@Dacadactyl

I think your correct about human nature. Doesn't this though support the leave and run strategy about school gate relationships?

My children have quite wide social networks now and a lot if parents we don't know which we are relaxed with to some extent. We let our children form their own relationships and I guess they become harder to influence the older they get. (In fact there have been examples where we have went away with children's friends families wihere we realised we had nothing in common with them and was really awkward).

It's difficult isn't it; we don't want to limit our children's social circle but , yes, as a parent you instinctively want to know bit more of the children they are socilaing with.

One thing I've noticed as children get older as they talk to each other you may get to know a lot about a family before you ever meet Children over share!

@mids2019 Perhaps, but I'm not a fan of the leave and run strategy personally. I like to know about the kids classmates etc and always drop off and pick up at primary. I have found that this facilitates friendships among us as parents too.

Thanks all for the feedback everyone, some interesting reading. I'm not desperate to make best friends with anyone and certainly don't expect this - I think it's more the not being uncomfortable and the person to chat to at the gates more than anything like some have said. And I dont understand not even acknowledging someone you've spoken to for an hour even if it was small talk at a kids party, to me that's just polite!so I wondered if the 'rules' were different at the school gate.

I won't come across as desperate, I don't force myself on anyone I let it come naturally I think it's more that societal thing of 'mum friends' expectation that in reality doesn't exist for alot of people. We have a class wats app group which is useful for people's numbers etc if needed.

What's really interesting is we bumped into another child's mum at a class at the weekend who has an older child (who is very chatty) and even she commented how different she'd found it this time round than her son's for which she got to know all parents reasonably quickly (same school). So I don't think it's just me thats picking up that vibe. Yes it's definately early days though.

Thankyou everyone, especially the sensible thoughtful replies

I was talking to one mum who's daughter had been refused a sleepover (at their house) as the other family 'didnt know' them'. If you do not have a social relationship with other parents does this justify refusing to things like playdates is?

Just throwing that into the school gate chat or not discussion.

People don't want to associate with other people who are different to them.

Most won't even meet to play in the park unless they're good friends with the parents. Seems to have sod all to do with who the kids friends actually are.

Sure this will pass when the kids are old enough to do their own thing.

@QuertyGirl

You have a good point there. Does this make the school gate chats essentially sounding people out so you know whether to allow them on palydates etc.?

Interesting point