To need some serious lessons from mums with older kids about the whole school etiquette and what seems to be a social minefield???!!!!!

[SlB09]

5yr old started reception in september, I had a wobble around the first month of 'I've not made any friends' 'everyone else knows each other' 'i feel like the odd one out' scenario. I had a sense check and got over it, but now it's returned. I feel like I know nothing around general etiquette of school!

First and only child so no experience with all this, he's an absolute social butterfly and happy talking to adults/children/loves the younger siblings etc - which actually I think puts some people off. Me......I just feel awkward and contrived! I'm not the best small talker but do make the effort. I hate going to birthday parties of which there has been many while class ones as I feel like I'm sat on my own (I recently found out at the last party alot of the mums went to school together-we moved here almost 2yrs ago and is a small town where alot of people grew up & live). Or I strike up conversation and the next week they stride straight past at the school gates like we've never talked!

'Play dates' (or having your friend round for tea as it was when I was younger!)..... Do these even start at this age? Should we be asking other parents if their kid wants to come round?
Should I just be patient and wait until he forms firmer friendships in the years to come? At this age it seems one day they are friends the next someone's done something to the other etc.

he has plenty of our friends kids of same age to play with and cousins the same age so there's never a weekend without anyone else. Me and his dad have a good set of friends, I'm not even sure why it bothers me - guess I feel left out which is crackers I'm a 39 year old woman!!!! And I'm sure not many mum friendships made at school span a lifetime.

seasons mums, any answers to my many questions? Solutions?solidarity?!

Oh bless you OP, we moved to an area similar and it felt like everyone's knew everyone else.

And actually, playground mums can be worse than their children in my experience! It's very much like a return to senior school and cliques and you can't sit with us scenarios.

So long as it doesn't extend to excluding your DC I wouldn't think too much about it.

Someone advised me that there is a train of thought that suggests we all must get on with all the mums in our child's social circle. But actually, why should we? The only thing you have in common was having sex in the same year period!
Ask yourself this- the fact they walk on by and ignore you, would you care in any other situation? Like in work or in the pub? No, you'd think they were stuck up. You wouldn't blame your self.

Half the women in my DCs year group we're bloody vile snobs and I wouldn't have picked them to socialise with in any other situation. Once I learned to smile and tolerate them I felt better. I stuck with my mates outside of the playground and that was fine. Never had an effect on the DCs and play dates.

I think it's all a bit random really. Don't forget some mums already know each other, baby groups, nursery, neighbours etc..

My daughters reception class were a lovely bunch of mums, I think I chatted to a different mum every day, there was a group who were very friendly and my daughter was friends with their daughters and I knew one of them from swimming lessons so I sometimes got invited to things with them. I also had a couple of friends with kids in different years and I walked to school with a neighbour so it really helped.

We moved at the end of year one and although the parents were nice and said hello I was pretty much friendless for a while. Once my son started though the year after, I made friends as again they were a super social bunch, birthday parties were nearly always at the home of birthday child and usually involved parents staying for a glass of wine and a chat at the end (sort of pick up at 4pm then stay till 6 drinking wine and chatting) so again it was easy.

I think my point is, it was really nothing I did and totally luck of the draw.

Maybe you won't make friends and that's fine. I spent 7 years at the primary school gate and made one long term friend. All the others fell by the wayside once the DCs became teens. It's not that surprising given what brings you together.

There can be lots of reasons people know each other - older siblings, children together in nursery etc. when my youngest goes to reception, there will be a couple of parents I’ll known very well because of our older children and I probably won’t be at the collection for reception as at our school they go off with the older children later so not sure how well I’ll get to know the new set of parents.

I think the best thing you can do is not invest in this whole idea of it being a social minefield tbh. It doesn't have to be. There'll be nice people and not so nice, you just get on with supporting your child through school and your own life too. You'll find people along the way for carpools and maybe playmates with mums there too etc. But don't feed into the whole thing too much.

"We've had our turn" what a very bleak outlook on life! I've made some better friends as an adult than I did as a child!!!

It shouldn't be this complicated but it is.

No idea why.

it never happened for me, now I being a book to parties like my well seasoned friend told me to. everyone wants to talk when you're in the middle of an interesting chapter.

My child is now in secondary schools, we just went with the flow organised play dates were not a thing really, some parties happened though

I just happily chatted at school if I ran into parents but as we both worked FT didn't happen too often and I did volunteer sometimes when I could so happily chatted then

My child did have close school friends but I am not a BFF with people, we didn't have dramas either just easy chatting

I didn't really feel the need to think about it, things just developed normally

Join the PTA, it’s a good way to get to know people from across the school.

Who said "we've had our turn"?

I agree you can make great friends as an adult, but that doesn't mean you're guaranteed friends at your DC's school.

It also doesn't mean;

A) that you're doing anything wrong if you don't make friends with other parents at school
B) that the other mums are cliquey bitches if they don't want to be your buddy

These are usually the concerns I see on Mumsnet.

when My youngest started school a lot of mums knew each other as many were siblings of older kids. Im
pretty friendly and outgoing so I made connections quickly (I wasn’t working at the time as had a toddler so I was out to meet people too) - conversely dd was shy so it helped me being friendly. Playdates were a big thing so they started in reception. We also had friends out of school, but not that many as not all my friends had kids then.
Roll on to ds, he went to the school nursery and made friends really fast - I connected w the mums a lot more in his year too for some reason.
Maybe ask him if he’d like X back for tea - and you get to know the mums a bit that way. It’s hard if they all knew each other beforehand but not impossible to be in a friendly basis, although if you have a good social life anyway does it really matter as long as ds is happy?
some mums/dads put their life into the school run/volunteering/pta etc and some drop and run and will host the odd play date. It really varies!!

If you work almost/full time it is even worse!

I remember one parent coming around for a coffee and play date - the type of women who likes to know everyone and everything - and we must have been approved as that unleashed other invites.

We also made an effort - had a mini gathering like BBQ, went to the PTA gatherings etc. We put ourselves out there as much as we could while working. We did nothing like as much for child #2.

This is good advice if you have time.

Its very early days yet.

If there are nice children living near you from the school, encourage those friendships as convience and proximity helps develop long term friendships.

And people feel shunned if they are not getting attention I just assume people don't char to everyone all the time

Op I just would be happy with what connection you do make not worry about what you dont

Just aim for being friendly acquaintances, not necessarily friends. I think it is important to get on with the other parents as you'll be spending a lot of time with them in the coming years... waiting to pick up, school events, whole-class parties, playground trips, out-of-school activities if your DC like the same things. So I don't agree with the just 'ignore and carry on' strategy... I'd keep it light but it's good to be able to have a friendly chat and to have a few people to rely on in emergencies, e.g. if you're in traffic and need someone to pick up for you.

It takes time OP! You’ll get there. Just smile and say hi/good morning regularly.

I prefer to make friends for me, not randoms in the playground. The odd chat is fine with me.

Seconding those posters who say join the PTA. I’ve made some of the best friends I’ve ever had at my DC’s primary school. I know loads of other people to just chat to - don’t necessarily have much in common beyond our kids being at the same school but that doesn’t mean I can’t happily chat to them for 10 minutes at the school gate.

I’m not shy though and will happily walk up to someone and introduce myself. And I don’t really care if they like me or not. I’m just making small talk to pass the time not necessarily trying to form a lifelong bond. Obviously if you are shy it’s much harder. That’s why helping at school events as part of the PTA helps because you have a job to do and you get to know other people fairly effortlessly.

I honestly think 90% of the time, people aren’t deliberately forming ‘cliques’ or excluding others at the school gate. They’re just chatting to the people they already know because they’re a bit lazy and it’s easier than getting to know someone new.

I always worked, so never saw anyone at school. Iwasn't interested in making mum friends. I too, had moved to an area where everyone knew each other and I was a few years older than most.

I used to chat at the many parties and there was a fb chat so we could do the 'is it pe day?' Thing. Through that, we did an Xmas night out at a local pub, then gradually a few of us met up more regularly. We became friends and still are, even though the kids are now in high school.

@Opine said "school is for kids.......we've had our turn".

We have moved 60 miles from family / friends and my DS starts school in Sept. We are banking on making friends through school and activity. We have already made several friends through preschool. Relationships can form naturally, and no, you don't have to make friends, but surely life is nicer when you do??

I don't feel under pressure to make friends, and couldn't give a shit about cliques and the like, but I am certain there will be one or 2 people tha I can at least chat to at the school gates.

Saying that our time is over is a big reason so many people say that they're lonely. You are never too old to make friends.

My advice, mine are all at secondary now. don’t commit too soon, some look like people you might want to be friends with. But you’ll soon realise they aren’t. i remember once offering a jump start to a woman whose car had broken down, and the group actively turned away. I didn’t bother at that school again.
sports days, assembly’s are hard without that person to stand next to and chat. It’s easier if you have someone who can do that with you, your mum or a dh. Infants (for me) was really really hard, juniors was different from the minute we walked in though. Both me and the kids had found our people.

It will come though and it does come quicker if you do the PTA thing, help at discos etc. it also flies by, it doesn’t feel like it, but one year quickly becomes two, two becomes four quickly.

Also do you have a Parent or Class Rep? I volunteered as that when my DC1 started in Reception. I got to know pretty much all the parents in my DCs class that way and organised class drinks at a nearby pub one evening etc.
Not everyone came but I did generally find that most people wanted to know the other parents of kids in their class, at least enough to say Hello and have a quick chat.

And if you like play-dates, definitely be proactive in organising some. I’m not a big fan of the hassle of having an extra child at my house but plenty of people love them and often use them to try to engineer friendships both between the kids and the parents.

Hmmmm I don't see a problem with what she said in response to the op tbh.

Having a couple of mums you can chat to at the school gate and not putting pressure on yourself to make friends is what most people do. "Having a wobble because you haven't made any friends among the other school parents yet" is quite disproportionate, especially when op already has lots of friends outside the school.

Following with interest! X