DH wants to pull out of house purchase because it's "too stressful"

[LightBuzzyear27]

We are 8 months into a house sale and purchase, and are literally days away from exchange and due to complete a week today. For a few weeks DH has been grumbling about how stressful it is, how he doesn't think it would be worth it, and doesn't actually care if we move anymore, but he's never actually said "let's pull out". I reassured him it will all be fine and not to stress about anything. Things have still progressed and we got a call today to say we couldn't exchange today as planned but will hopefully be Monday or Tuesday next week now, still with a view to complete on Friday. DH has now come out and said he doesn't actually want to move, it's too stressful with the uncertainty of if it is actually going to go ahead, the packing and actual moving will be stressful, and we won't be able to do anything we want to do to it straight away as we're sinking all out money into it, so that will be stressful too.

Now, unfortunately, when DH gets even the tiniest bit stressed, he shuts down/withdraws/loses interest and there's no coming back from it. And now I don't know what to do, as it seems either way one of us will be unhappy.

We have 3 kids, and are moving about half an hour away. It will be closer to my parents though that is not the reason for the move. We are in a 3 bed semi, on a busy road, with noisy inconsiderate neighbours, no driveway for our 2 cars, and a small garden. The new house in detached on a quiet cul-de-sac, with a large driveway, large garden. It's still a 3 bed, but it has the scope to extend, which our current house also doesn't have.

He's worried about money, I know that, but our outgoings will stay the same. I am looking to change jobs to a better paid one, but will need to put 2 kids in nursery to do so, so my wage probably won't change from what it is now. He earns well, but it's quiet at the moment, and his current work place is an hour away from the new house, and it will add 2 hours onto his already long night shifts. He's applied for over 30 jobs closer to the new house and not heard anything back so he's getting stressed about that too.

He's also refusing to pack so I've had to make a start on my own, with 2 under 2. I can do bits in the evening but I still won't get it all done by myself.

Does anyone have any advice? AIBU to still want to move? How do I convince DH it's going to be short term stress for long term happiness? His brain doesn't seem to work like mine and he's not very rational/logical, especially when he's in one of his funks.

Good move telling them to liaise with solicitors.
The removal firm are better ridiculous, they should fulfil the contract. They should know that it can often take hours to get the keys. Get another company asap. We had them pack when we moved, didn’t cost a lot extra and well worth it.

I know in reality he will regret not moving. It's just getting him to see that he's not thinking rationally

No, he's just not agreeing with YOU.

An extra two hour per shift? Yes, he should have spoken up earlier but that is ridiculous and I can't believe you expected that of him. He will be exhausted. But you'll be closer to your parents; so that's OK then.

Have a look at it from his point of view. It's not a 'pretty minor inconvenience'; it's 10 hours extra a week. 40 hours a month!

Remind him how less stressful his life will be to get away from the current neighbours and the end is in sight now,he's maybe frightened of the change but it's worth it by the sounds of it.

Sounds like the house you’re currently in causes a lot of stress too. Tell DH the worst is over and now only a week away . Fingers crossed you’ll exchange on Monday, it will be maniac but he either needs to help or get a removal company in which will take away a lot of the stress. Good luck

You have my sympathies, but what comes across from your post is that you appear to be an enthusiastic optimist, and perhaps your DH is more of a realist/pragmatist. Many of his concerns seem to be realistic: you won’t be able to pour money into the new house; you haven’t yet found a new job; he hasn’t yet found a new job; he will have a worse commute and you will have to put your kids into nursery which will cost a fortune. Given all this uncertainty you can’t predict that the stress will be ‘short term’ or that the move will lead to ‘long term happiness’ either. The financial situation has changed a lot over the last 8 months, so I can understand his concerns.

The other thing that strikes me is that you don’t appear to be taking his concerns seriously – you describe him as ‘grumbling’ , but he sounds understandably anxious and stressed about this move. Maybe the reason he hasn’t said he wants to pull out before now is that he doesn’t want to disappoint you and has been hoping that you would take his concerns on board. Perhaps – due to your enthusiasm and optimism about this new house this has been hard for you, so you’ve tried to reassure him (this never works) and told him not to get stressed (neither does this). You say he is not being rational or logical, but are you?

I suggest that you take off your rose tinted spectacles and take seriously your DH’s practical concerns about this move and your financial situation. I don’t think you should try to convince him – I think you need to listen to him. It will be a blow for your buyers if you pull out now, but better this than that you force a situation that could cause problems in your marriage.

I can relate with your DH
same scenario as yours really, mainly neighbours.

We moved just over a year ago but in my case it was because I did actually want to move and thought it may not happen due to buyer faffing and solicitors dragging it out.

In the end I told EA to remarket the house and the buyer soon pulled his finger out...

Your DH will hopefully be more relaxed once the exchange date has been finalised...
Big sigh of relief once moving day comes...

It sounds like he's just freaked out. Not helpful but not completely outrageous either, especially given his history. Also, his worries are not unreasonable, he's just only seeing the negatives now in his stressed state probably rather than the whole picture. I'm not sure those talking of threatening divorce or 'suck it up' are being that helpful. From what I could glean from OPs messages, she wants them to be a family, I'm sure she loves him despite his ability to sulk, and actually it does sound like he's coming round! It may only be little things, but from someone who has freaked out and clammed up, the fact he is dismantling things and pulling down suitcases suggests he has accepted the situation and is trying to bring himself round to it. A long commute is soul destroying especially on top of a long night shift, he's probably already feeling the strain just thinking about it. I think OP is doing the best thing in the situation by forging on but not pushing him too much. He needs to know he has support, the last thing she needs with 3 kids is her dh to have a mental breakdown!
Best of luck to you OP, it's not fair when things get left to one person but so often in a relationship it's not equal. Moving is one of the most stressful things. I hope you get good and efficient movers that help make the process as smooth as possible on moving day and that once you're in you can move on as a family. Also, really hope he finds a job closer.

Definitely a more positive and productive day. Lots of packing done and he doesn't seem quite so gloom and doom now.

Whoever said I sound like an enthusiastic optimist, you are correct, I am. DH is definitely not!

We have booked different movers now so thats sorted. Can't believe the old movers were saying they'd need to be done by 1pm and wanted to charge an extra £100 as it was a Friday when that was never mentioned before 🙄 we were also worried about everything fitting in the 1 van but the new movers are providing 2 vans so that's good.

The commute was never really supposed to be an issue (as he was supposed to have a new job by now) so I wasn't expecting anything from him to whoever it was that said that.

You can't back out now. Tell him to get help for his anxiety - counselling, hypnotherapy, whatever. You both committed to this move months ago. Good luck!!

My DH is like this...a big grey cloud trying to kill my mood and plans. I have to regularly tell him to grow up and remind him that short term pain is long term gain. I feel sorry for you OP house moving is stressful enough with out someone just complaining about everything.

Does sound a better home, and if outgoings about the same, a good investment and safer road for children to live on
not to mention the buyers of your house, and surely you will have a bill now for the work that’s been done
hope your husband sees sense, difficult position his putting you in, and it’s a joint decision after all, and he agreed to start with..

You probably didn’t listen to his ambivalence earlier in the process and subconsciously conflated your family’s needs with your desires. He probably wanted to avoid conflict and should have spoken up earlier.

Did you miss the fact that "he was the initial driving force in wanting the move, he booked the valuations, chose the estate agent, liaised with them for viewings and offers etc." ?

Hey, first ever reply on here but when I saw the post pop up in my emails I had to reply…

My partner and I was in exactly the same position, we sold our house in June 2022 and because we were moving into a new build that wasn’t due to complete until December 2022 our emotions was so up and down, from happy to get a buyer, to worrying about the market changing and our buyer pulling out, worried when our buyer wanted to do a last minute full house survey even though our house was only four years old (When this happened I went crazy with worry, I was so angry and wanted to pull out) I have ADHD and if things don’t go to plan my emotions are strong.

I also worried about money, our mortgage on our new house doubled and with bills soaring I just shut down and my partner and I argued about moving so much.

but now I’m here, in my new house that I love (first mortgage payment went out this month) and even that made me anxious..

once you exchange, I would say he would more than likely settle, there’s no going back after that anyway lol.

Just tell him this is completely normal to feel the way he does, this is one of the most stressful situations to be in but if you wait House prices are just going to become ridiculous (even they are saying the market is going to crash, I doubt it with the BOE raising the base rate last Friday)

Keep him sweet until exchange, give him little things to look forward to, maybe a present for the garage if he’s into boys toys, maybe mention a man cave?

But try not to worry, it’ll only be a few more weeks until HOPEFULLY he gets more settled after exchanging x

Tell him to get a grip. It’s a really awful thing to do to everyone else in the chain aswell at this late stage

Good luck OP. Hopefully DH feels more positive now he has been a bit productive and got stuck in!

Sit tight for the next few months. With mortgage rates rising as they are there can only be one consequence. House prices will fall out of the sky. And it is certain that the more expensive the house, the more in percentage wise and in real terms will they fall, assuming your existing home is worth considerably less than the one you want to move too.

He sounds just like my DH and we were in a v similar situ to you before Xmas 2021. It was horrendous and he was threatening divorce. Threw his toys out of the pram bigstyle and the shutting down thing sounds v familiar. He wasn’t having any of the fact that we were almost there and would lose a lot of money if we were to pull out. I just had to ignore him and get on with it. It was a nail biting time, but once the exchange finally happened he pulled his finger out. Different circs to you though as we’d already moved out of our house to keep the sale and had our stuff in storage. Can you try to ignore him and kee packing till you exchange? Hope it goes ok and he comes round. Sounds v promising re his potential for getting a job closer to your new home. 🤞

Of course you pull out, As with, anything he's entitled to change his mind.

Write out a list of why you want to move in numbered points then ask him for a list of cons. Then go through his list with possible solutions. good luck

Says someone who’s never been in a chain with a week to go before completion. It would be a despicable thing to do to the rest of the chain.

Having been bereaved, I can say from experience, that selling a house and moving is a walk in the park and cannot be compared in any way.

I was in this situation nearly a year ago, exchange got delayed and delayed and m happened eventually 2 days before we moved. It was awful. I wanted to forget the whole thing but luckily husband didn’t give me that option and I’m pleased we went ahead.

I get it though, is bloody awful. its too late to pull out, hopefully your husband can pull himself together!

Sounds like they were trying to put you off, I expect they accepted a better paid job.

Glad it's all working out for you!

I've done it twice (buying/selling) and I absolutely hate it!!!! But once it's all done, it gets better very quickly.

Just tell him that there are people who can help out with the move (vans/ man and van), and that this whole process stresses everyone, not just him.

Also, isn't there a fine on yourselves if you decide to drop out?