DH wants to pull out of house purchase because it's "too stressful"

[LightBuzzyear27]

We are 8 months into a house sale and purchase, and are literally days away from exchange and due to complete a week today. For a few weeks DH has been grumbling about how stressful it is, how he doesn't think it would be worth it, and doesn't actually care if we move anymore, but he's never actually said "let's pull out". I reassured him it will all be fine and not to stress about anything. Things have still progressed and we got a call today to say we couldn't exchange today as planned but will hopefully be Monday or Tuesday next week now, still with a view to complete on Friday. DH has now come out and said he doesn't actually want to move, it's too stressful with the uncertainty of if it is actually going to go ahead, the packing and actual moving will be stressful, and we won't be able to do anything we want to do to it straight away as we're sinking all out money into it, so that will be stressful too.

Now, unfortunately, when DH gets even the tiniest bit stressed, he shuts down/withdraws/loses interest and there's no coming back from it. And now I don't know what to do, as it seems either way one of us will be unhappy.

We have 3 kids, and are moving about half an hour away. It will be closer to my parents though that is not the reason for the move. We are in a 3 bed semi, on a busy road, with noisy inconsiderate neighbours, no driveway for our 2 cars, and a small garden. The new house in detached on a quiet cul-de-sac, with a large driveway, large garden. It's still a 3 bed, but it has the scope to extend, which our current house also doesn't have.

He's worried about money, I know that, but our outgoings will stay the same. I am looking to change jobs to a better paid one, but will need to put 2 kids in nursery to do so, so my wage probably won't change from what it is now. He earns well, but it's quiet at the moment, and his current work place is an hour away from the new house, and it will add 2 hours onto his already long night shifts. He's applied for over 30 jobs closer to the new house and not heard anything back so he's getting stressed about that too.

He's also refusing to pack so I've had to make a start on my own, with 2 under 2. I can do bits in the evening but I still won't get it all done by myself.

Does anyone have any advice? AIBU to still want to move? How do I convince DH it's going to be short term stress for long term happiness? His brain doesn't seem to work like mine and he's not very rational/logical, especially when he's in one of his funks.

Can you just give the buyers your number and ask them to contact you if they have queries? And block them from your husband's phone?

He has told the buyers to liaise with the solicitors and that he won't be responding anymore, then blocked their numbers. So that's one less thing to worry about.

Our movers have now said they are only available for a short amount of time of moving day, which obviously we cannot guarantee when we will get the keys, so we are looking at another company who also do packing and furniture dismantling and reassembling too so again, another thing less to worry about.

He seems to have accepted that it is happening to some extent, though I still think he is expecting the worst to happen. He doesn't like not being in control or not knowing what is going on. I don't either but it is what it is, we can't change that.

Has this been a joint project? It sounds like you might have been pushing it along in your preferred direction. You're moving closer to your family (further from his?) and adding two hours to his commute? You're adding financial stress which you say that he is going to have pick up. Add you're not actually getting a bigger house.

@LauraNicolaides why don't you read the whole thread? It's perfectly easy to read what OP has written if you press See All at the end of one her messages. She has explained very clearly it's a joint project. You're simply gratuitously adding to her stress. OP I hope all goes well

You clearly haven't read all my replies otherwise you would know:

DH was the driving force for the move, not me. I haven't been pushing anything, until now as we are literally a week away.

He doesn't have any family so we're not moving further away from anyone. And being closer to my family is not the reason for the move, just a bonus.

He has known what the commute would be for the last 8 months. He knew when we were looking at houses, deciding where to look etc.

There is no added financial stress in the sense that month to month our outgoings will be exactly the same. Yes, our savings are wiped out and if we want to do stuff to the house we will need to make sacrifices to do so, but that's life. I share the financial burden as I too work. He currently earns more but that's because I am part time, but planning on full time with a more equal wage soon.

The house is bigger, yes it's still a 3 bed, but I didn't say it wasn't any bigger in general. Plus, there is a driveway and a much bigger garden.

Thank you @whatwhatwasIgoingtosay

Oh that's great OP - different movers could make a big difference. I still remember the guys who moved us in 2009. They were so cheerful and competent! We've had them back twice to do smaller jobs and recommended them all over the place.

@WeThreeKingsofOrientAre

thanks!!

I'm swiping that & finding a poster sized bit of cardboard to pin it up!

Reading your updates it looks like he's just having a massive freak out.
I wouldn't be too harsh on him as it can happen to the best of us.
I'd definitely continue on though, 8 months is a long time to purchase a house.
He got the pre purchase jitters. He'll see the benefit in the end if he trusts your judgement.
Good luck with the move.

How is it going today?

I would say carry on regardless. If he won't help pack, tell him you'll advertise for a handyman on FB to come and give you a hand. It is stressful moving house but it'll be worth it in the end.

@LightBuzzyear27

you have more than enough going on. Just ignore posts that are goady, or the poster hasn't read all your posts. You don't need to absorb their bollocks!

it sounds like he's accepted it's happening, so just do what you can not to rattle his cage over the weekend & get the exchange done Monday.

once that's done you can breathe a sigh of relief, because after that you can just say 'it's happening, we can't pull
out now' but given he had the opportunity yesterday & didn't do it, I think he's realised it's not really an option.

I hope you find new packers & movers. It is quite short notice, but moves are falling through all the time, so just let a few know & you're bound to find some.

you've done well to already have decluttered, so just get as much done this weekend as you can. Beg for help with childcare, & crack on

best of luck!!

Not too bad. Feeling a bit more positive now thank you.

He's dismantled the kids play house and trampoline whilst I've made a start on the kitchen. And he's got the suitcases out the garage so we can pack clothes. The living room is pretty much done aside from the TV and router stuff. The cupboard under the stairs and the coat and shoe cupboard are both done.

We're still waiting for the removals company to come back with a quote but I don't think we will need packing with how much progress we have made in just half a day. My DM is having the 2 youngest kids on Thursday all day and overnight and then all day on Friday, whilst biggun is at school, so we have time to finish off whatever we can't manage today and tomorrow then. And I can do bits and bobs in the evening throughout the week whilst the kids are in bed and he's at work.

Sit down with him and show him how much it is worth it to move, help him look for jobs or look yourself and show him what you have found. I’m sure he will be onboard again by next week 🤞

Tell him to grow the f*ck up.

OP this sounds like an enormous amount to cope with. The move sounds like a positive one that you’ve both planned and that will ultimately turn out well. Also sounds like you’re doing a great job practically.

Your DH sounds poorly and overwhelmed to me. Moving house is enormously stressful, even if it’s absolutely what you want, and I bet 8 months in the making has felt pretty heavy going.

Maybe consider asking him what he thinks about an appointment with his GP, with an offer to accompany him if he’d prefer?

Of course it is stressful. He’s not alone in feeling like that. But I think he just has to hold his nerve and do it .

thinking of you - well done for bearing up for both of you. 💐

I feel your pain OP. We did a big move from one city to another and it meant a big commute for DP - we did discuss that one of us would have to get a job in the city we moved to and he was keen for it to be me. In hindsight it was because he really didn’t want to move. We had buyers lined up and eventually they pulled out so he used that as an excuse to try and stop the process. Even though I had a job lined up. We finally did find a place to rent and what with owners pulling out of the house we made an offer on, his terrible commute and the temporary accommodation we were in he was very resentful and blamed me for the situation we were in. However, i remained proactive and got another temporary rental in our desired location and soon after we put an offer on our house that was accepted.
We are now in new house, he still has a killer commute to a job which he is in a love/hate relationship with but there are ways out and I have set him up with people who can offer careers advice but you can take the horse to water etc it’s up to him to sort his career out he can’t resent me as it’s not my fault he’s not very proactive 🤷🏿‍♀️
He loves it here now and definitely would have regretted staying in old
place.
Good luck OP

You can pull out any time up until exchange but I wonder why he picks now, last minute? I get the commute thing, soul destroying, and insecurity, especially if one or both of you plans to change jobs. Is that it? Worn down by not being able to find a job closer as hoped? With two tiny children it's a lot to manage alone without his help. Are you getting a proper removal service? You don't seem to be moving to a far more or less expensive house, so a fall in prices shouldn't be too much of an issue. Unless he can articulate a real reason I'd think it's just his way of dealing with anxiety and delaying a move until a later will make no difference as he'll probably still be the same next time. If he can't say what the issues are then you may as well muddle on tbh. I have withdrawn from a purchase at the v last minute but there was a real and serious reason that cropped up, I think the worst is searching for a house and waiting for it to go through, not the actual move, and if there are things you need to do without he already knew that ages ago. I'd go ahead unless there was a reason, there's a reason you wanted to move in the first place that won't change, has he lost sight of that?

If you wait you might not get a mortgage as they are all going up. He needs to sit down and tell you what’s going on with him.

I suggest you ask your family and friends to help you pack. Or watch the kids so you can pack. If he works nights get help for when he isn’t sleeping.
Now daycare. Cost will be less when they start regular prekindergarten. Secondly Can’t he sleep in the morning and pick up kids in the afternoon, if that will reduce cost of daycare.
Commute and Daycare: Can he work 4 10 or3 12 hour days. Companies that allow that usually count 3 x 12 hours as full time. Reduce total commute time. Reduce daycare costs.
Can your parents help you with daycare?
Argument to do new house now. Mortgage rates continue to climb.

I got a bit like this towards the end as we hit so many bumps in the road to completion and packing seemed endless even to the very last day! It’s one of the most stressful events in life.

I am like your DH. I could win championships in sulking and reactionary passive-aggressive silence, and the collateral damage on my family is, when I get like this, absolutely their fault.
The solution, for me, is to have several drinks. Anything that drives a wedge between the "now" and the thing I'm stressed about. When I come out of it, the "thing" suddenly doesn't look worth driving my family to misery over.

Your maths doesn’t work out for the commute time!
personally I think 1 hour 40 each way on a working week of 60 hours is totally unsustainable. That’s a 15 hour day 5 days a week. Can he stay in a travelodge a couple of nights a week?

Is he neurodiverse? If so, could explain his reaction to stress/shut down etc.
If not, he sounds an utter disgrace, putting you under immense pressure this late in the day.