To not think it’s fair to get a dog

circleontheleft · 2023-02-03T14:57:28+00:00

Me and DH have wanted a dog for as long as I can remember. Both grown up with dogs and are animal lovers, and we’d really like a pet. We did our research in the pandemic when WFH was established, but never took the step towards getting a puppy. The topic has come up again recently and DH is really eager, reasoning that it will bring happiness to our lives and encourage us to walk (which we already do!) I have shared my reservations with him but he is more optimistic than me and thinks we can use doggy daycare, which I know will come with a large cost. One of us is a shift worker and the other works a 9-5, hybrid role where the working location is variable. Some days are longer than this, some shorter and some work from home. No way to guarantee this more than a week in advance. It does work so that there’s *almost always* one person at home. We have retired ILs living locally who would help but it’s not fair to expect it of them when SIL already demands they look after her dog at the drop of a hat. I don’t think this is enough certainty for a puppy and the burden isn’t for our relatives to bear if they want to make other plans. I know the amount of time and energy that goes into raising a dog with a good temperament and would feel very guilty leaving a dog for any longer than a couple of hours, as their humans are really their world aren’t they! I’d love a dog and think they’re fantastic but think it’s a kinder decision to continue looking after retired ILs dog when we know we have a weekend off, or annual leave etc. We’re planning to TTC quite soon, too, so not fair for a puppy to get pushed out - even if some dogs love babies. I might be overthinking it, but AIBU to stand on with this?

CalistoNoSolo · 03/02/2023 15:02

I was going to suggest getting an older rescue dog rather than a puppy, but if you're going to have children imminently then maybe not get a dog at all.

InspectorPaws · 03/02/2023 15:05

You sound like you’re more than set up to get a dog. We have a dog and our behaviourist says they should be asleep 80-90% of the time and that, in her experience/opinion, having owners around them constantly is really bad for them because they’re constantly “on” which inhibits their ability to relax, sleep and be calm. They used up very stressed (like overtired children). She actually encourages us to leave the dog alone unless engaging in active dog activities (like dog walking, dog training or playing with the dog). If you’re going to be at home the whole day, you should actually have the dog have a safe space in a different room to go to for calm. This is especially the case for breeds who struggle to relax or calm (like working breeds) that you would instinctively believe need more interaction but are actually happier with a lot less than you’d think.

Puppies obviously require more than this for toileting and settling in but you and DH could each take a week off work and then there’s definitely someone at home for the first two weeks (almost three if you pick up on a Friday) and then you’re almost always able to be at home anyway.

InspectorPaws · 03/02/2023 15:06

CalistoNoSolo · 03/02/2023 15:02

I was going to suggest getting an older rescue dog rather than a puppy, but if you're going to have children imminently then maybe not get a dog at all.

A rescue is likely to require a lot more work to settle than a puppy because it’ll have hang ups and trauma.

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 03/02/2023 15:07

I really wouldn’t get a dog if you are soon planning to TTC.
Id wait till you have your children, get past the toddler stage and then reconsider

popyourcollar · 03/02/2023 15:07

CalistoNoSolo · 03/02/2023 15:02

I was going to suggest getting an older rescue dog rather than a puppy, but if you're going to have children imminently then maybe not get a dog at all.

Agree with this. It sounds like you've got a good set up for a dog, but I'd TTC first and settle into life with kids before deciding whether you want to add a dog into the mix.

RDAnna · 03/02/2023 15:09

No to a dog if you are TTC soon.

Floomobal · 03/02/2023 15:11

We got our puppy 8 months before I got pregnant. The timing was perfect. Our dog was a lovely age to welcome a baby, as he was out of the crazy puppy phase. They’re going to grow up together which I think is amazing.

So planning to TTC isn’t a reason for not getting a dog IMO

Unbridezilla · 03/02/2023 15:12

Can you research whether you live near a therapy dog training centre? And voluteer to help Foster one of their dogs? Responsibility varies from looking after puppies full time, to doing it evening and weekends only or even just as holiday cover when their fosterers can't have them. I know Hearing Dogs for Deaf People and Guide Dogs have schemes, fo example.

It might help you get a dog fix, whilst helping uou work out whether you can actually have a dog full time

Chickenly · 03/02/2023 15:13

Floomobal · 03/02/2023 15:11

We got our puppy 8 months before I got pregnant. The timing was perfect. Our dog was a lovely age to welcome a baby, as he was out of the crazy puppy phase. They’re going to grow up together which I think is amazing.

So planning to TTC isn’t a reason for not getting a dog IMO

We got our dog about a week before we conceived (we weren’t trying). It also worked out perfectly for us (aside from the dog poo inside coinciding with a HG pregnancy). I don’t know why people advise against it, genuinely.

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 03/02/2023 15:16

I also really wouldn’t get a rescue and then TTC.
Having had a rescue I completely see why people go down the puppy route. And I was so vocal about “adopt don’t shop.”
Settling in an adult dog that’s maybe had 1/2 homes, been in kennels, been in foster is hard work. Then add a huge lifestyle adjustment in the form of a baby not long after. I feel you’d be setting the dog up to fail.
I wouldn’t get a puppy either as I can’t think of much worse than a bouncy 18 month old adolescent dog and a baby and being super exhausted…

whataboutsecondbreakfast · 03/02/2023 15:18

I don't think you should get a dog yet.

I think you will struggle to find any daycare who can accommodate lots of changes in days - which means you'll probably have to pay for five days of full care even if you don't need them.

Daycare is also a lot of stimulation for young puppies and many commercial settings are not set up to accommodate the needs of puppies - despite what they may say on their websites.

A home-based daycare would be better for a puppy but again you have the issue of availability. Every single daycare I know is full with a huge waiting list - lockdown created a massive demand for daycare and walkers!

I would wait until you have more of a set routine in place so you can arrange regular care for the dog.

Supernova23 · 03/02/2023 15:19

Your set up sounds great for a dog. Mine is on her own while I'm at work. The reality is that millions of dogs up and down the country are, as it's pretty much impossible not to work. I can't do my job from home, nor can millions of others. I do feel guilty for leaving her, however, when I am around she has the best walks, training, play and company. When I'm out she just sleeps on the sofa all day. The idea of having dog and never leaving it is pretty old school - modern day life is busy and dogs have to fit around that.

I don't have a dog walker. I don't trust them. And more dogs than not are NOT candidates for doggy daycare - these are awful places.

Dartmoorcheffy · 03/02/2023 15:19

I would say wait til you have had your child and they are past the toddler stage. Personally I think around 4yts old is an ideal age to introduce a puppy to the family.

What breed are you planning to get?

Prescottdanni123 · 03/02/2023 15:20

InspectorPaws · 03/02/2023 15:05

You sound like you’re more than set up to get a dog. We have a dog and our behaviourist says they should be asleep 80-90% of the time and that, in her experience/opinion, having owners around them constantly is really bad for them because they’re constantly “on” which inhibits their ability to relax, sleep and be calm. They used up very stressed (like overtired children). She actually encourages us to leave the dog alone unless engaging in active dog activities (like dog walking, dog training or playing with the dog). If you’re going to be at home the whole day, you should actually have the dog have a safe space in a different room to go to for calm. This is especially the case for breeds who struggle to relax or calm (like working breeds) that you would instinctively believe need more interaction but are actually happier with a lot less than you’d think.

Puppies obviously require more than this for toileting and settling in but you and DH could each take a week off work and then there’s definitely someone at home for the first two weeks (almost three if you pick up on a Friday) and then you’re almost always able to be at home anyway.

Yikes. That is some dangerous 'advice' there.

Prescottdanni123 · 03/02/2023 15:24

Sorry posted too soon. Yes dogs can be left on their own for a few hours but not all day. Most young dogs won't willingly sleep 80-90% of the day. Depending on the breeds, some have a lot of energy and need lots of walkong/play time/attention.

InspectorPaws · 03/02/2023 15:25

Prescottdanni123 · 03/02/2023 15:20

Yikes. That is some dangerous 'advice' there.

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Yikes. Collective ignorance doesn’t make reality dangerous.

Cherrysoup · 03/02/2023 15:26

InspectorPaws · 03/02/2023 15:06

A rescue is likely to require a lot more work to settle than a puppy because it’ll have hang ups and trauma.

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Not always true, there are plenty who have lost their home because people realise they have to go back to the office, older people die etc.

Sqqueeeeeeee · 03/02/2023 15:28

Cherrysoup · 03/02/2023 15:26

Not always true, there are plenty who have lost their home because people realise they have to go back to the office, older people die etc.

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And that’s traumatic for them. Either they’re from a loving home that met their needs and they experience the trauma of being removed from it. Or they’re from a home that wasn’t loving or where their needs weren’t met, and that’s traumatic too.

Prescottdanni123 · 03/02/2023 15:43

@InspectorPaws

I work with dogs too. Leaving them alone all day is seldom a good idea. And there are plenty of breeds who won't sleep 80-90% of the time.

WiddlinDiddlin · 03/02/2023 15:48

Day care, walkers and sitters (puppies should not go straight to daycare when tiny!) are an option but... the cost is huge, and if your puppy has issues and does not suit (or the service provided does not suit them) the daycare or walker etc... you may struggle to find another.

If you hadn't added in the TTC part I'd have said if you can afford to, you can make it work if you realllllllllly want it, and can dedicate all your spare time to the dog, take time off work for the puppy etc etc.

But add in a baby and no, you can't, the puppy will come bottom of the priority list after baby, work, self care, every single time and that will result in an unhappy experience for you all and probably a poorly trained, poorly behaved dog as a result.

Wait until life is different, you have a kid heading towards or already in double figures and more free time.

MissMaple82 · 03/02/2023 15:59

InspectorPaws · 03/02/2023 15:06

A rescue is likely to require a lot more work to settle than a puppy because it’ll have hang ups and trauma.

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Not necessarily. I've had rescue dogs, that settled and fit in quite well. This attitude pisses me off

Railwayroad · 03/02/2023 16:04

Yeah my rescue was fine. Also, who said dog walkers are a bad idea? Surely it depends? Ed gave a great dog Walker. Our dog loves him.

so much generalisation.

CalistoNoSolo · 03/02/2023 16:05

InspectorPaws · 03/02/2023 15:06

A rescue is likely to require a lot more work to settle than a puppy because it’ll have hang ups and trauma.

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Having had several rescues and one puppy (from a bitch I knew well) I can say that even my most traumatised rescue has been less work than the pup was. I also know that reputable rescues work very hard to match the right dog with the right home and offer lots of follow up support so that the adoption works.

CalistoNoSolo · 03/02/2023 16:08

InspectorPaws · 03/02/2023 15:05

You sound like you’re more than set up to get a dog. We have a dog and our behaviourist says they should be asleep 80-90% of the time and that, in her experience/opinion, having owners around them constantly is really bad for them because they’re constantly “on” which inhibits their ability to relax, sleep and be calm. They used up very stressed (like overtired children). She actually encourages us to leave the dog alone unless engaging in active dog activities (like dog walking, dog training or playing with the dog). If you’re going to be at home the whole day, you should actually have the dog have a safe space in a different room to go to for calm. This is especially the case for breeds who struggle to relax or calm (like working breeds) that you would instinctively believe need more interaction but are actually happier with a lot less than you’d think.

Puppies obviously require more than this for toileting and settling in but you and DH could each take a week off work and then there’s definitely someone at home for the first two weeks (almost three if you pick up on a Friday) and then you’re almost always able to be at home anyway.

That's utter bull and your behaviourist is an idiot.

InspectorPaws · 03/02/2023 16:12

MissMaple82 · 03/02/2023 15:59

Not necessarily. I've had rescue dogs, that settled and fit in quite well. This attitude pisses me off

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Why does it piss you off? It’s true. Rescue dogs are more likely to need more work. Just because yours didn’t doesn’t mean it’s not more likely.