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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for ex to pay for childcare on his days

76 replies

Amblu81 · 03/02/2023 07:39

Will try to summarise.

Myself and kids Dad split March 2021. Due to lack of finances I stayed in the house and lived in the dining room. He point blank refused to move out of house and to preserve my mental health I managed to find somewhere to rent and moved out Feb 2022 (had to save for deposit and rural area with very few affordable rentals)
Two kids 13 and 8.
We were never married.
He remained in house jointly owned and has agreed to pay me 50% equity when fixed rate ends in November this year. Truly gutted as I loved that house but her ho.

He is self employed specialist groundworker. Income unknown and will not confirm. Accounts on companies house are only basic ones so dont show income.

I am part time employed and self employed trying to pursue my own wedding business (Fridays/Saturdays). Had to take on extra work to afford rent and cost of living crisis. Was very lucky to find something I know.

Kids stay with me mostly. Youngest with me 5 days a week, eldest 6 days a week. Ex has kids 3 weekends out of 4. I have them other weekend. Kids come back to me 1pm Sunday.

All is working really well, or so I thought.

Ex calls mediation this week. We attend and he would now like

  • every other weekend off so that he can have a social life. (he has now changed this arguement to 'so he can work')
  • Have kids one night in the week. Pick up then drop of at school or breakfast club depending on his work. He says he wants to spend more time with them yet wants to send them back to me.

I say yes to him having kids for one night in the week as youngest has expressed a wish to spend more time with his Dad. I put in a caveat that Ex pays for childcare for that 24 hour period. Ex point blank refuses and says he will take it out of maintenance.

Mediator suggests I have kids Friday and Saturday night and all day Sunday for the extra weekend with me. Then ex has them whilst I work. I tend to co-ordinate the day so at work from 8am to 6pm plus driving time to and from venues. Reluctantly I say yes to this as it seems the only compromise. Ex point blank refuses again.

Now we are at stalemate.

To give you some idea he pays £75 pw maintenance. Childcare costs £14 per day afterschool, £5 per day breakfast, £52 per day holiday club.

We have very little family to help out.

To confirm I am more than happy for him to see his kids and am not denying him access.

I have a voucher scheme through work but still comes out of my wage and nowhere near covers it during school holidays.

AIBU to expect him to provide 1 days childcare? To comply with his wishes means I have to give up an extra days imcome and is going to look shocking to my new clients where I am trying to push my business!!!

Thanks all.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 03/02/2023 07:41

How is the 50% equity of the house going to work

but no he should be responsible for childcare

Coffeeandchocs · 03/02/2023 07:41

Have you gone through CSA? His income shouldn’t be “unknown” if so.

donttellmehesalive · 03/02/2023 07:46

I think every other weekend and a night in the week is usual isn't it?

Does he need the before/after school on his midweek day? If he is able to pick up/drop off from school then I can see why he wouldn't want to pay that.

Maintenance seems low.

Why have you got to wait for your share of the equity? House prices forecast to fall so you need that now.

toomuchlaundry · 03/02/2023 07:50

Will he be having them through the school holidays?

Cakedoesntjudge · 03/02/2023 07:51

When exdp took me to court and I tried saying he should pay towards childcare for his days I was told that it was part of what the child maintenance paid for so I had to take it out of that.

As per most people, the maintenance I got didn't even cover a month's worth of sessions for childcare on exdp's days, let alone anything additional.

I thought it was a ridiculous rule (and still do) but apparently that's the way it is.

Overthebow · 03/02/2023 07:51

Every other weekend and one night per week during the week sounds ok, but he should definitely pay for childcare on his day.

Overthebow · 03/02/2023 07:51

Can you take them out of childcare for his day and tell him to sort his own out?

Original poster
Amblu81 · 03/02/2023 07:58

Wow you lot are quick! I haven't even finished my cup of tea yet!

House is on a fixed rate mortgage deal until November and fees to exit during that are insane.

He would need wrap around care for his day if having them. He often doesnt finish til 6pm and often leaves at 7am or before.

OP posts:
Original poster
Amblu81 · 03/02/2023 07:59

Overthebow · 03/02/2023 07:51

Can you take them out of childcare for his day and tell him to sort his own out?

That is exactly what I want to do but now questioning if that is reasonable.

OP posts:
Original poster
Amblu81 · 03/02/2023 08:00

He wants to only have them in the evening and overnight as he has to work during the day.
Well so do I!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Amblu81 · 03/02/2023 08:02

Amblu81 · 03/02/2023 08:00

He wants to only have them in the evening and overnight as he has to work during the day.
Well so do I!!

Sorry...didnt attach that to the comment. That is in reply to @toomuchlaundry question over school holidays.

OP posts:
emotionalpuddle · 03/02/2023 08:11

Amblu81 · 03/02/2023 07:58

Wow you lot are quick! I haven't even finished my cup of tea yet!

House is on a fixed rate mortgage deal until November and fees to exit during that are insane.

He would need wrap around care for his day if having them. He often doesnt finish til 6pm and often leaves at 7am or before.

So is he selling the house? The only reason I ask is if he's continuing the mortgage there shouldn't be an exit fee? We had 5 years left on our fixed rate and because I was taking over the mortgage and buying him out the rate etc remained the same. No fines, exit fees etc?

Original poster
Amblu81 · 03/02/2023 08:16

emotionalpuddle · 03/02/2023 08:11

So is he selling the house? The only reason I ask is if he's continuing the mortgage there shouldn't be an exit fee? We had 5 years left on our fixed rate and because I was taking over the mortgage and buying him out the rate etc remained the same. No fines, exit fees etc?

Show quote history

Thank you for this @emotionalpuddle but unfortunately ours does have exit fees as he would need to remortgate to pay for it. We went through it with the lender. I cannot afford to loose £17k and ex said that if I push him to do it sooner I should pay his fees too 🙄

OP posts:
sjxoxo · 03/02/2023 08:17

I’d cancel all the childcare arrangements, then re organise them for ‘my time’ and leave him to organise for his own time… might seem petty but he can take responsibility for it!! Make sure you use all the tools possible to get maintenance etc from him. And don’t let him sit on your equity in the house. Do you have a solicitor or any kind of legal advice? His income might be unknown to you but shouldn’t be to them. MN is full of threads of self employed men not paying anywhere near enough maintenance, makes me really mad!!! x

yoyo1234 · 03/02/2023 08:17

Was going to ask is house being sold , as that would incur early repayment charge unless poteentially same value mortgage ported to a new house. If buying you out then no early repayment fees should be charged.

MajorCarolDanvers · 03/02/2023 08:20

He either pays for childcare in his time, makes another arrangement or takes time off work.

It's not your responsibility to organise or pay for it.

If he messes about with maintenance then go via CSA.

yoyo1234 · 03/02/2023 08:20

If he can remortgage then he must have earnings proof to get the mortgage.

Wibblewibble1 · 03/02/2023 08:23

Take it to court and get everything in a court order - contact days and childcare fees - everything. Don’t trust him, he is not being open. Go to court.

deeperthanallroses · 03/02/2023 08:28

I think go to court, explain you will not be paying childcare for his time, that maintenance does not cover childcare and the only arrangements you will agree to in court are he if gets time with them he arranges any necessary care. Point out currently you make it work so if he doesn’t actually want them more it will be obvious to the court and you are fine to continue as is. And say that if he just ignores court orders then court will ignore everything he says if you take him back for maintenance or he drags you back for not making the dc available, but go ahead and shoot yourself in the foot with your children.

AndSoFinally · 03/02/2023 08:32

His maintenance payments will go down to reflect the fact he is now responsible for an extra night.

So he has to be responsible, and this includes paying for his own associated costs.

He can't have it both ways. Can't reduce maintenance payments because his child related costs have gone up, while not actually increasing his child related costs or decreasing yours surely??

rizzo999 · 03/02/2023 08:55

The only way to make him pay would be to get the childcare provider to invoice you for your time only and make it clear to him that he needs to set up an agreement with them for his time, then go through CMS for maintenance so he can't pick and choose what to pay. However, be prepared for him hiding his earnings, as he is self employed, to make sure their calculation is as low as possible.

There are certain battles you can't win with men like this but you definitely don't have to arrange and pay for his childcare, or fit your time to have the kids around when it is convenient for him to have his own DC.

I have friends who collect their DC from school as their ex can't due to 'big important job', then he collects them, has them overnight, lowering his maintenance and brings them back in the morning so she can do the school run. Don't let him get away with parenting at his convenience.

NoMoreShit · 03/02/2023 08:57

Why are you not insisting on 50/50 shared care? On that amount of maintenance, & him wanting to hold you responsible for all childcare, you'd be better on court ordered 50/50 (which WILL hold him responsible for child care & all other expenses on his days) so you can work & earn more. I guarantee you that he won't want that, because it's much more work, much more life limiting, & far more costly than token maintenance & a few sleepovers. Go to court, offer the gold standard 50/50 & let him explain to the judge why he doesn't want it. Give him the rope & watch him hang himself. THEN reluctantly agree to what he's asking for but with childcare costs on him + days/times clearly set out in the order.

BrightSaturn · 03/02/2023 09:01

He sounds like a horrible man. No advice but wow some men can be right bastards.

donttellmehesalive · 03/02/2023 09:06

I like the idea of offering him 50/50.

You'd be better off being responsible for all costs but only 50% of the time.

What reason could he give for saying no, that you couldn't also give.

The house thing still doesn't sit right.

SunshineAndFizz · 03/02/2023 09:12

If he doesn't give you what you want I'd tell him you'll do everything through CMS/courts so it's 'all above board'.

The thought of declaring his actual earnings will probably scare him into meeting your requests.

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