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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To buy DS a dress

89 replies

tjg0 · 03/02/2023 00:58

I'm a dad to 3 boys, their mum passed away 5 years ago so I'm bringing them up alone. The youngest is 13, he's always been different to the other boys, more quiet and sensitive, not really interested in the same things as them which I've always been fine with and have encouraged his interests.

Middle son (15) and youngest share a room which I know isn't ideal, this evening I told them to tidy their room which they (finally) did. Whilst tidying middle son found a dress which youngest admitted is his, middle laughed at him and called him names, said he'd tell people at their school etc which I did talk to him about. Youngest then threw the dress in the bin. He said he didn't want to talk about it but later came downstairs and said he does but not yet as he doesn't want his brothers listening so we agreed to talk at the weekend. I told him I'm not angry as he thought I would be, but I am shocked as it is unexpected.

I was thinking of buying him another dress and surprising him with it to show him I'm not angry etc but I'm not sure in case his brothers find out which he is worried about - I personally don't think eldest would care but middle has already shown he does.

WIBU?

OP posts:
whytesnow · 03/02/2023 01:05

Yehhh do it 😊

Domino20 · 03/02/2023 01:05

Let him choose his own online when you chat, if that's what he'd like. I think buying one yourself might have too many pitfalls.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/02/2023 01:06

If talk with him first and find out where his head is at.

watcherintherye · 03/02/2023 01:09

What are you thinking!! Shock Under no circumstances should you buy your teenage son a dress. He’ll hate it, and any other clothes you purchase for him. Let him choose his own.

Harriettt · 03/02/2023 01:10

Buy one to acknowledge what you're trying to show him....but keep the tags on and receipt so he can take it back if it's not to his taste.

WineIsMyMainVice · 03/02/2023 01:11

You sound like a great dad.

I think at this stage buying one might make it more of ‘a thing’ than you intend.

take some time to listen to your son and find out what he wants. That way things will be more on his terms….

TheSandgroper · 03/02/2023 01:17

Buying the dress (or providing the funds to do so) is fine as far as it goes and you do say DC has always walked his own path but, in your chat, do try to find out what the school has been teaching him.

If the message is “you may not be a boy, you may be a girl, you may be something else”, then you have a problem. Be sure that the message is “dress how you want but you are a boy now and will be a man soon”.

007DoubleOSeven · 03/02/2023 01:21

TheSandgroper · 03/02/2023 01:17

Buying the dress (or providing the funds to do so) is fine as far as it goes and you do say DC has always walked his own path but, in your chat, do try to find out what the school has been teaching him.

If the message is “you may not be a boy, you may be a girl, you may be something else”, then you have a problem. Be sure that the message is “dress how you want but you are a boy now and will be a man soon”.

Like it or not, many people don't share the same beliefs as you about gender (nor does science actually)

@tjg0 your boys are lucky to have you. When you talk to your son offer him a replacement definitely. I hope if he does feel that he is in the wrong body you will support him appropriately and ypu sound like a great dad

FeinCuroxiVooz · 03/02/2023 01:23

of course it's fine for your son to wear a dress, and fine for you to buy him clothes he wants to wear.

you also need to make sure the nasty abuse from his brother is properly dealt with, as it is totally unacceptable.

clothes are clothes, and anyone if either sex can wear whatever they feel good in. the idea that some kinds of clothes are "for women" and some are "for men" is nothing but sexism. The only reason that it's perfectly normal for women to wear trousers but men are apparently hilarious in a dress is because of a deep down prejudice that being a woman is inferior, and aspiring upwards in that hierarchy is understandable but aspiring downwards is incomprehensible.

obviously wearing a dress doesn't make a male person "more like a woman" in any sense, because that could only be true on the basis of nasty sexist stereotypes being true, which they aren't. but that shouldn't stop your son from looking fabulous in any outfit he likes to style himself in.

MrsMikeDrop · 03/02/2023 01:26

Sorry I don't have any advice. But I just wanted to say you sound like a wonderful father and your sons are very lucky to have you ❤️

ChungusBoi · 03/02/2023 01:33

Reassure him by telling him that you love him and will deal with any nastiness. Ask open questions. Try not to assume anything. He might be questioning his gender, or sexuality, or it might be a way of feeling he’s still connected to the feminine energy from Mum. Or something else. You sound like a lovely Dad.

greenspaces4peace · 03/02/2023 01:42

i guess it all depends why, maybe he's being bullied by friends and goaded to wear it against his will. maybe him and some buddies got dressed up in a joking kind of way and he didn't know how to dispose of it.
i would not be assuming he wants a dress at all.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 03/02/2023 01:44

Advice: chat with other sons about loving, supporting and protecting each other and reminding them how precious and fragile life is. Do whatever your youngest needs.

You are amazing. 💖

Agapornis · 03/02/2023 01:55

I hope you'll give your middle son appropriate punishment for his bullying. Were his remarks sexist and homophobic by any chance? Stamp it out.

Shop with your youngest - perhaps online so he doesn't have to feel weird about (very likely) shopping in the women's department. Harry Styles and Billy Porter aren't the worst role models.

Roseyposeypudding · 03/02/2023 02:21

This is so lovely it literally made me emotional. You sound like such a lovely dad!

SchoolTripDrama · 03/02/2023 03:26

Please don't. Poor kid will be bullied so badly

MintyFreshOne · 03/02/2023 03:52

The only reason that it's perfectly normal for women to wear trousers but men are apparently hilarious in a dress is because of a deep down prejudice that being a woman is inferior, and aspiring upwards in that hierarchy is understandable but aspiring downwards is incomprehensible

No, it’s because they sell trousers that are tailored to women so they don’t look ridiculous. Dresses are still made for the female body so it’s never gonna look good on a man unless they make a menswear version. Just how it is, and why they look so ridiculous in them.

octoberfarm · 03/02/2023 03:54

You sound absolutely lovely. I would probably let your boy know that you were going to buy him another dress but as you weren't sure what he liked, you wondered if he wanted to pick one online for you to order instead. I bet he will be so chuffed by your open minded support. It sounds like you've already spoken to the brother making fun but just to echo others, I really would come down on that like a ton of bricks, with a firm reminder that it is his job to be on his brother's team and have his back, not rally people against him like a bully. It's okay for him not to understand but under no circumstances should he be making life harder for his brother. I'd just be really clear that it won't be tolerated.

He's lucky to have you, OP. Hope the chat goes really well Flowers

JustGiveMeTwoMinutes · 03/02/2023 04:09

I think the point that this may be a way of staying connected to his mum is a valid one to keep in mind when you are talking to him. I would go in with an open mind and not assume anything

Trez1510 · 03/02/2023 04:18

TheSandgroper · 03/02/2023 01:17

Buying the dress (or providing the funds to do so) is fine as far as it goes and you do say DC has always walked his own path but, in your chat, do try to find out what the school has been teaching him.

If the message is “you may not be a boy, you may be a girl, you may be something else”, then you have a problem. Be sure that the message is “dress how you want but you are a boy now and will be a man soon”.

🙄

OP please ignore this nonsense and focus on the majority of posts where posters are giving you genuine, useful advice on how best to deal with whatever transpires after your chat with your son. Good luck. 👍

Slobbet · 03/02/2023 04:28

I wouldn't buy him a dress as I wouldn’t want him to feel obliged to wear it or feel obliged to look the stereotype of feminine. He can make these choices himself.

id be concerned if your son assumed he must be born in the wrong body just because he’s more sensitive and more feminine then his older brothers. Men can be stereotypically feminine or masculine and one isn’t better then the other. Your son is perfect just the way he is. impartial counselling might be of help, enabling him to make sense of things. There might be some connection with his mothers loss or peer pressure.

PleaseCleanTheWholeToilet · 03/02/2023 04:30

The main priority is talking to your son who called him names and said he will tell everyone at school
You need to make sure you tell him that he is not to breath a word to anyone and talk to him about feelings and differences and supporting family members / his brothers etc

MintyFreshOne · 03/02/2023 07:06

Trez1510 · 03/02/2023 04:18

🙄

OP please ignore this nonsense and focus on the majority of posts where posters are giving you genuine, useful advice on how best to deal with whatever transpires after your chat with your son. Good luck. 👍

Show quote history

What specifically do you find objectionable about this advice?

Charley50 · 03/02/2023 07:10

It's a shame that high street stores don't market some dresses at males, or make a feminine male range, with floaty fabric. To me that is the logical next step for society. Some men and boys like feminine clothing, it shouldn't matter and it should be designed for male bodies.

Dacadactyl · 03/02/2023 07:12

No, I wouldn't buy him a dress personally, but I'd be very closely monitoring what he's been looking at online.