To buy DS a dress

[tjg0]

I'm a dad to 3 boys, their mum passed away 5 years ago so I'm bringing them up alone. The youngest is 13, he's always been different to the other boys, more quiet and sensitive, not really interested in the same things as them which I've always been fine with and have encouraged his interests.

Middle son (15) and youngest share a room which I know isn't ideal, this evening I told them to tidy their room which they (finally) did. Whilst tidying middle son found a dress which youngest admitted is his, middle laughed at him and called him names, said he'd tell people at their school etc which I did talk to him about. Youngest then threw the dress in the bin. He said he didn't want to talk about it but later came downstairs and said he does but not yet as he doesn't want his brothers listening so we agreed to talk at the weekend. I told him I'm not angry as he thought I would be, but I am shocked as it is unexpected.

I was thinking of buying him another dress and surprising him with it to show him I'm not angry etc but I'm not sure in case his brothers find out which he is worried about - I personally don't think eldest would care but middle has already shown he does.

WIBU?

Your son is a boy. He will always be a boy/man. You need to tell him that anyone can wear whatever they want but he will always be a boy and that will never change. I’d tell him that until fairly recently in history pink was very much a man’s colour and in the 1980s men often wore earrings and eyeliner. Tell him fashion is a personal thing and allows us to express our individuality and what one person likes, another will hate. Then give him a hug, tell him you’re proud of him and you know he’s going to grow up to a great man who is interesting and confident and that you love him.

Then move on. It’s a non issue. Don’t fall into the trap of pigeonholing your child.

Any why do you think trousers are now made tailored for women but dresses aren't?

Because wearing clothes typically worn by men is a way to better yourself as a woman, look cooler, more professional. Along with doing "male" hobbies, subjects or careers. It's why female architects are lauded and male nurses are asked if they're gay (when they actually mean a paedophile) and banned from treating some peoples children. Because that's a woman's job and only a crap man who isn't very manly who is a pervert would lower themselves to do it.

Agree with the PP about shops catching on and selling prettier stuff for lads, but unfortunately lots of adults would never buy it or would basically support the kid being bullied (don't buy that for your son, he'll get bullied)

Just wanted to say you sound like a lovely dad. But also yes I would let him choose his own xx

Dont buy him one but offer a budget to pay for one that he chooses

I also think you need to be speaking to your middle son about how he treated his brother just for having an item of clothing that's actually common for men to have in other cultures...even if it wasnt though he needs to realise how serious this is, his behaviour is the reason why people feel they have to hide who they are which can have really serious consequences

I'd have no problem at all with buying a dress/ fishing his out the bin and giving it a wash. I'd be having a good talking to your middle son. I would also make it clear that wearing a dress does not make him transgender, and that as a boy, he can wear whatever the hell he likes, just like girls can. But he still needs to remember he's male.

All this focus on a dress. Has no- one heard of skirts?? How about a kilt?

(I'm joking but also serious. Dresses aren't the only 'female' option. A skirt can be worn with his usual t-shirts/jumpers etc. Kilts are traditionally worn by men.)

Good luck with your chat with your son. It'll be interesting to find out his thinking 🙂

You sound like a great dad.

My friend's son used to wear dresses as a child. Dressing up clothes eg Belle and other Disney princesses. He used to try on my 'partying' clothes when he was at mine (his mum didn't thank me for giving him a full sequinned dress as it shed all over her house!) He is gay but never wanted to be a girl - he just the likes glitter and glamour. He hasn't worn dresses for years now (27) but still loves a bit of glitter make up. He's marrying his partner next year and I can't wait to see what he wears! It will definitely be extravagant.

His parents and none of us (his parents friends) never questioned it. He has a twin sister and they just used to dress up the same.

I'm friends with Boy George and he never wanted to be a girl/woman either, again he just wanted to wear what he wanted to wear, sometimes dresses. I've known him since I was 14 and he always wore makeup. He's bloody fantastic at applying it but has a make up artist now obv.

Let him chose a dress himself though. Teenagers don't like clothes being chosen for them!

Hope you manage to talk your middle son around. My friends son also had an older brother and he never questioned it. Boy George has older and younger brothers who never questioned it, nor his parents. His lovely mum made a lot of his stage clothes in the 80s, his brother now makes a lot under the brand B RUDE.

Any why do you think trousers are now made tailored for women but dresses aren't?

I’m not making a value judgement, just explained why women don’t look ridiculous in trousers but men look ridiculous in dresses. They look ungainly at best.

Skirts are better as they be adjusted with a more appropriate top, and I often see these as part of menswear runway collections, but it never translates to anything ready-to-wear

(this is a bit derailing, apologies to OP)

Because wearing clothes typically worn by men is a way to better yourself as a woman, look cooler, more professional. Along with doing "male" hobbies, subjects or careers

yeh this is true tbh but I also can’t shake my stereotype of a man in a dress being a total pervert. I would keep my distance from any man wearing women’s clothing, rightly or wrongly.

@MintyFreshOne

I wear men's trousers some

@MintyFreshOne

I wear men's trousers sometimes. And jumpers/hoodie etc if I like them and they fit ok. So what? The only reason why people think men look ridiculous in dresses is because they have been brainwashed into thinking it is ridiculous for men to wear dresses. This incredibly strict gender stereotyping around clothes/toys/colours etc causes so many problems.

I actually have lived in a country where ‘men wear dresses’ (more countries than you’d think so not outing myself here). But they are not ridiculous looking as they are properly tailored to a man’s straight up and down shape and accentuate the cleaner lines of the male body (so to speak)

Men look awkward in items tailored to a woman’s body as it gapes and pulls at unusual and frankly unflattering points. Skirts are so much easier to work with if you are a man determined to wear female-coded garments.

I wouldn't, but your life and your child. Up to you, if it'll make him happy

I'd retrieve the dress and wash it. Don't do any more until you've had that talk.

Male punks wore skirts in the late 70s/early 80s. Granted, they were mostly kilts, but still 'skirts'. The Vivienne Westwood (RIP sweetheart) brand is still making them.

You sound like a wonderful dad.

Let him lead, let him choose another dress and send you the link. Get an opaque box to store it in your wardrobe so brothers can't be cruel.

Wrongly.

Your big problem here is your cruel & bullying son.
Not the one who wants to wear a dress.

Deal with the bully strongly. There should be real consequences to this awful behaviour

& keep being the lovely support you already are to your younger son.

You sound great. I think you should get him another one, and like others suggested, tell him you will take him shopping. But you need a serious chat with the other two, especially the middle one I guess.

Some men are less stereotypically manly as other men see it.
Doesn't make them any less a man and certainly doesn't mean they were born in the wrong body and are actually a woman.
Anyone can dress however they like, it doesn't change whatever sex they are.

Buy the boy a kilt. Internationally accepted men's skirt.

I say this as a scottish person - more people need to wear kilts & we don't care about cultural appropriation ! Get yer kilt on "

"Science" is pretty clear about the fact that humans can't change sex, and it's important for kids to understand that too.

Gender is a social construct, which is a fancy way of saying it is imaginary.

Where did he get it from?

At this stage it could be a fetish? Not sure id want to be part of that as a parent if its that.

Agree with what everyone has said, never buy your teenagers clothes! But let him know that you are happy to buy him whatever stlye of clothes he wants, including dresses.

The real problem is the middle boy, he really needs to understand that he cannot bully his brother like this. The threat only works because your younger boy is afraid. If / when he feels more confident in his choice of clothes, the thread would be empty, many teenagers are not fine with all styles of clothes.

I think that you should support your son in whatever he wants to wear. But I would also caution you to really keep on top of what he's reading online, what groups he's in, who he's talking to, etc. nothing wrong with wearing dresses, but you want to make sure that nobody online is there to convince him that his desire to wear dresses is actually a sign of him needing to surgically alter his body.

@megifer Sadly when my sister went through a tomboy phase of wearing boy's clothes, hanging out with boys and playing contact sports, adults at our school remarked (in earshot of me) that it was a fetish or signs of her being "into the ladies". My sister was 8 years old. I didn't understand what they meant until much later, but knew even then I understood that they were deranged and that wearing normal clothes, even ones typically worn by the opposite sex, does not make a child a fetishist.

Harry Styles and David Bowie are both famous dress wearers and it hasn’t done them any harm. A dress is just clothes. By all means buy him one - H&M is great for dresses - a wide variety and a great website. If you want to shop online.