Fall out between sister and husband

[poiuy]

Fed up with this situation and hope for some advice! I’ve always been v close to my sister as mum died young. However, we are very different and she lives alone with no family and I have 3 older kids and all the chaos and busy days that family bring. To cut a long story short, she had a disagreement with my partner over something small in July 2021 whilst visiting . She told me afterwards that she was fuming but since then refuses to discuss it with any of us. I think she was over-sensitive but at any rate, forgive and forget and just move on and build bridges. She will no longer visit, even at Christmas/ for a few hours or meet if he is present. She expects me to meet her, usually in a restaurant or cafe. I am saddened that she won’t visit and cannot really keep affording this, especially if it involves bringing her nieces and nephews/our kids along. I think she is being really selfish and pathetic to be honest but if I broached the issues I think I would lose her, as she can be quite volatile. I feel sorry for my husband and loyal to his feelings. How can we move forward and should I just bow to her demands to meet just me (and maybe the kids) in some random place?

I think you need to have an honest conversation with her about it to be fair.

What was the disagreement about? How does your husband feel about her?

Couldn't say without knowing what the disagreement was.

You thought it was trivial
She clearly didn’t op

Husband was watching massive football game - can’t remember - was it cup final or something at the time? He asked her to be quiet as he was trying to watch the game!
Husband said to her that he didn’t mean to upset and that ‘it’s water under the bridge’ and she is always welcome etc..but as time goes on and she wouldn’t visit at Christmas he is getting pretty fed up with the whole situation.

So she spent Christmas alone?

Perhaps it was straw that broke the camels back

Your OP certainly screams to me that you don’t hold her in the highest regard!

actually if someone asked me to be quiet because they were watching football, I'd be annoyed. You don't need to hear it.

And according to your other threads… your “kids” are all adults! In their twenties! 😂

I’d maybe be a bit miffed.

But refusing to visit or have anything to do with the husband?? Seriously?!

That’s next level, OTT drama queen behaviour.

But no doubt straw that broke camels back i reckon

Unless there is more to it (like your DH being horrible and this was the final straw) then your sister is being ridiculous. It also sounds liek a pretty dysfunctional relationshiop between the two or you if you are unable to talk to her about it without risking being cut off.

i think the world of her- that’s why I am so upset by it all but I do think it’s an over-reaction as it has gone on for a year and a half.

If that was the sum of the whole disagreement and there isn't any more to it then YANBU but I suspect that this was just the straw that broke the camel's back. Do your DH and DSis have a history of nitpicking on an ongoing basis and if so, maybe she has a point but only you know this. Otherwise, it does sound very petty and no reason for a longterm fallout.

How often does she expect to meet up with you? I'm not sure why you are suggesting that you can't afford for your kids to be involved, if they are older, surely they can make their own arrangements to see their aunt and pay for their own coffees?

I had a similar scenario a few years ago. She expected me to keep seeing her but refused to go near him. I backed my husband and told her that I disagreed with her stance. She stuck it out for over a year. Then she suddenly rang me and suggested coming over. She and DH remain cool, but at least she has partially moved on. In your position I'd do the same - stop doing all this random meeting and refuse to play her game.

Yes, they are pretty much grown up but love her to bits and always want to see her - not sure what you mean - sorry - probably me!

Your sister sounds pathetic. She needs to grow up.

Yeah she is massively over reacting. I don't know what the answer is as you don't want to lose her but she is deffo in the wrong here - even if it's just by putting you in an awkward position over something so minor

So, essentially your husband told her to shut up but he's graciously willing to forgive her for it?! And your take is that your sister is the unreasonable one?! From what you're saying he never even attempted a sincere apology! Sorry but your H sounds like a massive arse, and you are condescending towards your sister. I can fully understand her position.

Yes we are not good at having frank conversations together tbh. She gets really narked easily and I’m a bit scared tbh of upsetting her even more but I guess I have to try..really helpful thx

Your DH is well out of order. People who expect silence for sport (particularly football, urgh) are absolutely nauseating and unreasonable in the extreme. It’s a GAME.

Your sis sounds likE she’s reasonably had her feelings hurt. I wouldn’t want to spend any time with your DP either, he sounds selfish and boorish and awful.

As for you, how could you possibly prioritise your husband’s ridiculous need for silence to watch his little football game over your dear sister’s feelings, when she’s the one who’s been badly treated? You are BVVVVVU and you need to apologise.

So she was meant to be silent when visiting because the football was on? It’s not her that needs to apologise!

You do not really like her, do you?

I meant you said you couldn't afford to keep meeting in cafes if your children were involved? But surely she can make her own arrangements to see them. Or you tell your sister that you can't afford these expensive meetings anymore given the cost of living and meet-ups will have to be a walk or a park moving forwards sometimes. I do think your sister is being a bit pathetic about the whole thing though.