Page 3 | Fall out between sister and husband

poiuy · 2023-02-01T16:02:15+00:00

Fed up with this situation and hope for some advice! I’ve always been v close to my sister as mum died young. However, we are very different and she lives alone with no family and I have 3 older kids and all the chaos and busy days that family bring. To cut a long story short, she had a disagreement with my partner over something small in July 2021 whilst visiting . She told me afterwards that she was fuming but since then refuses to discuss it with any of us. I think she was over-sensitive but at any rate, forgive and forget and just move on and build bridges. She will no longer visit, even at Christmas/ for a few hours or meet if he is present. She expects me to meet her, usually in a restaurant or cafe. I am saddened that she won’t visit and cannot really keep affording this, especially if it involves bringing her nieces and nephews/our kids along. I think she is being really selfish and pathetic to be honest but if I broached the issues I think I would lose her, as she can be quite volatile. I feel sorry for my husband and loyal to his feelings. How can we move forward and should I just bow to her demands to meet just me (and maybe the kids) in some random place?

KatherineJaneway · 01/02/2023 16:47

Depends on what he said to her when he asked her to be quiet. Lots of polite and impolite ways of getting that message across.

GrumpyPanda · 01/02/2023 16:51

poiuy · 01/02/2023 16:34

Husband apologised immediately as soon as he could see that she was annoyed by his comment. But she left the room, went to bed and left the following morning

That's not what you said before. "he didn’t mean to upset and that ‘it’s water under the bridge’"* *is not an apology. It's like the pathetic non-apologies beloved by so many politicians, along the lines of "if anyone was stupid enough to misunderstanding what I said then of course I feel bad about it - but now they should forget about it asap."

A real apology would have been "I was totally out of line and I regret it - of course you have the right to speak as a visitor in our house." So admitting wrongdoing and leaving it to the wronged party when and whether to move past it. The fact he didn't do so and is now aggravated with her has probably made the whole situation so much worse.

DMLady · 01/02/2023 16:56

Lots of people on here seem to delight in trying to catch others out…
I can see why you’d feel caught between them, OP. And it does sound to me as though your sister was OTT. I know you’ve said you don’t relish talking to your sister about it, but can you try? ‘We’d love to have you over, so we can all see you and catch up properly — and DH promises to behave!’ so you’re referencing it but not making a big deal of it…

WinnieFosterReads · 01/02/2023 17:00

You're only stuck in the middle because you put yourself there. If my DH told my DSIS to shut up because he was watching football, when she was a guest in our home, I wouldn't be on my DH's side. I'd be telling him when my DSIS was coming over to visit and he'd arrange something to do out of the house on those days.
DH has friends I don't like. He can invite them over but I won't be there or entertain them. Likewise with my friends that he doesn't get on with.

Sirius3030 · 01/02/2023 17:02

GrumpyPanda · 01/02/2023 16:51

That's not what you said before. "he didn’t mean to upset and that ‘it’s water under the bridge’"* *is not an apology. It's like the pathetic non-apologies beloved by so many politicians, along the lines of "if anyone was stupid enough to misunderstanding what I said then of course I feel bad about it - but now they should forget about it asap."

A real apology would have been "I was totally out of line and I regret it - of course you have the right to speak as a visitor in our house." So admitting wrongdoing and leaving it to the wronged party when and whether to move past it. The fact he didn't do so and is now aggravated with her has probably made the whole situation so much worse.

Show quote history

If I settled down into my comfortable chair to watch something special and one-off, I would be quite annoyed with nattering in the background. A sensitive visitor would have got the vibe and gone next door to have a chat.
Sounds like DH apologised at the time, which would be enough, and his later comments were about 'not meaning to upset' etc.
Oh, but wait, he is a man, so of course it's all his fault, and he should make a grovelling apology.

Northby · 01/02/2023 17:02

She is BU as she’s behaving like a brat. YABU in not having had a conversation with her for over a year(!) that you’re sad she won’t patch things up with your DH and she’s not considering your feelings. You DH apologised and she is BU by not accepting it and moving on.

Derbee · 01/02/2023 17:03

poiuy · 01/02/2023 16:42

i don’t want any apology! That would be ridiculous. I totally get why she was so upset, of course I do! But life is too short for this to cause so much ongoing upset for everyone

Only a dick would tell a guest to be quiet because they’re watching the football.

So it’s possible that this was the straw that broke the camel’s back. She might not be overreacting - she might have had enough of tolerating a dickhead every time she wants to see her family?

Sirius3030 · 01/02/2023 17:03

WinnieFosterReads · 01/02/2023 17:00

You're only stuck in the middle because you put yourself there. If my DH told my DSIS to shut up because he was watching football, when she was a guest in our home, I wouldn't be on my DH's side. I'd be telling him when my DSIS was coming over to visit and he'd arrange something to do out of the house on those days.
DH has friends I don't like. He can invite them over but I won't be there or entertain them. Likewise with my friends that he doesn't get on with.

So you would like him to leave his house, and go watch the match in a pub or something?! How very controlling!!

Felixishandsome · 01/02/2023 17:05

ItsCalledAConversation · 01/02/2023 16:25

Your DH is well out of order. People who expect silence for sport (particularly football, urgh) are absolutely nauseating and unreasonable in the extreme. It’s a GAME.

Your sis sounds likE she’s reasonably had her feelings hurt. I wouldn’t want to spend any time with your DP either, he sounds selfish and boorish and awful.

As for you, how could you possibly prioritise your husband’s ridiculous need for silence to watch his little football game over your dear sister’s feelings, when she’s the one who’s been badly treated? You are BVVVVVU and you need to apologise.

They are both being utterly ridiculous.

Football doesn't need silence to watch it so your husband was out of order, but frankly anyone that would have a tantrum over this to the point where they are refusing to see someone is also being a bit of an unreasonable knob

OP I'd tell your sister that enough is enough and she needs to get over herself now because it's being blown out of all proportion.

Cocobutt · 01/02/2023 17:08

Why can’t you go to her house?

fedupathome · 01/02/2023 17:11

Aren't your children adults with one at least in their mid 20s?

You say you can't afford to keep meeting her in cafes outside the home and that she wants to see the children. Surely as adults they can arrange to see their aunt themselves.....

diddl · 01/02/2023 17:12

Does he usually expect silence for these matches?

If so I would have gone out/sat elsewhere.

If not then he's just picking on her isn't he?

Also, how did he say it?

Pleasebeafleabite · 01/02/2023 17:13

ItsCalledAConversation · 01/02/2023 16:25

Your DH is well out of order. People who expect silence for sport (particularly football, urgh) are absolutely nauseating and unreasonable in the extreme. It’s a GAME.

Your sis sounds likE she’s reasonably had her feelings hurt. I wouldn’t want to spend any time with your DP either, he sounds selfish and boorish and awful.

As for you, how could you possibly prioritise your husband’s ridiculous need for silence to watch his little football game over your dear sister’s feelings, when she’s the one who’s been badly treated? You are BVVVVVU and you need to apologise.

Are you OPs sister?

Wondering now how posters who make comments like this get through life without falling out for all time with everyone they come across

EllieM27 · 01/02/2023 17:14

It’s extremely disrespectful to tell guests
to be quiet so that you can watch TV in the room where other people are visiting and socializing. Especially (IMO) when it’s a man going after a woman so that he can watch football. It just reeks of “Shut up you stupid woman, can’t you see I’m watching The Game??”

Your sister isn’t being OTT or bratty or ridiculous. Your husband was disrespectful to her, didn’t really apologize, and made her uncomfortable enough to want to leave your home. Because she was uncomfortable in your home and doesn’t care to deal with that again, she no longer chooses to visit there. She does still make an effort to see you in other places.

Honestly this is just sort of the consequences of your husband behaving like an arse and you not pulling him up on it in the moment.

Fladdermus · 01/02/2023 17:16

Is your husband often rude to your sister?

BadNomad · 01/02/2023 17:21

It doesn't matter that it was football - it is rude to talk when someone is watching TV. But she is within her rights to not tolerate being spoken to like shit by other people. The smart thing would have been for you and your sister to go somewhere else to natter if you knew your DH was going to be watching the game.

If visiting her is getting to be too much, then try to arrange for her to come to you if your husband will be willing. If they're not willing to do that then you'll just have to accept that you'll see each other less going forward.

ItsCalledAConversation · 01/02/2023 17:25

Pleasebeafleabite · 01/02/2023 17:13

Are you OPs sister?

Wondering now how posters who make comments like this get through life without falling out for all time with everyone they come across

Show quote history

Lol, no but I do sympathise with the sister’s position.

The way I manage is by actively avoiding people who say they like football.

CrazyLadie · 01/02/2023 17:26

FrenchandSaunders · 01/02/2023 16:46

It was a HUGE match, it must have been the final of the Euros. If you are into football then that is big.

Your sister is being ridiculous, esp as he apologised afterwards.

I'm not a big footie fan but if it was world cup final or euro final I would have done the exact same thing 🤣🤣🤣

JudgeRudy · 01/02/2023 17:27

poiuy · 01/02/2023 16:11

Husband was watching massive football game - can’t remember - was it cup final or something at the time? He asked her to be quiet as he was trying to watch the game!
Husband said to her that he didn’t mean to upset and that ‘it’s water under the bridge’ and she is always welcome etc..but as time goes on and she wouldn’t visit at Christmas he is getting pretty fed up with the whole situation.

Well now you've given that information you're sister is totally unreasonable. I'd wonder if it's possible to ever reason with someone who came to such an extreme conclusion.
Continue to visit occasionally but let her know you would like it to be more but you're not willing to pander to this behaviour. Re iterate that she's welcome in your home when husband is or isn't in. If she chooses to refuse your invite that's on her. Would outside family members have any influence? What hapoens eg if you all met up for brothers 50th or attended a wedding. Is she seriously never going to speak to or be in the company of your husband?I don't think you can do much more. It has to come from her.

FuckNuggets · 01/02/2023 17:29

ColdHandsHotHead · 01/02/2023 16:15

actually if someone asked me to be quiet because they were watching football, I'd be annoyed. You don't need to hear it.

So annoyed you'd refuse to speak to them or visit their house for 18 months?

JudgeRudy · 01/02/2023 17:30

Whatislove82 · 01/02/2023 16:13

Perhaps it was straw that broke the camels back

Your OP certainly screams to me that you don’t hold her in the highest regard!

I didn't get that impression at all. I'd say she loves her sister and wants her old relationship back. The tone I got was one of frustration.

FuckNuggets · 01/02/2023 17:31

Cocobutt · 01/02/2023 16:36

Husband was watching massive football game - can’t remember - was it cup final or something at the time? He asked her to be quiet as he was trying to watch the game!
Husband said to her that he didn’t mean to upset and that ‘it’s water under the bridge’ and she is always welcome etc..but as time goes on and she wouldn’t visit at Christmas he is getting pretty fed up with the whole situation.

Why would she need to be quiet for a football match?
They usually show them in pubs where there’s loads of noise.

If it was such a big game that required people to be quiet then you shouldn’t have had visitors around.

I doubt it’s the fact he told her to be quiet which is what she’s upset about.
It’s the fact that your DH was a dick and then acted like it was no big deal and you are also acting like she over reacted.

He’s now getting fed of the situation - even though he was the one that caused it.

It’s the downplaying of it and the ‘water under the bridge’ that is the issue - he shouldn’t be the one even saying that!
He should be the one apologising and she gets to say whether it’s water under the bridge or not.
That fact that he said it just proves that she is not over reacting.

Why not just meet her at her house?

Jesus I'd hate to be related to you. Do expect a full on apology if someone looks at you the wrong way?

rothbury · 01/02/2023 17:31

I don’t understand why it’s a big deal to see your sister without your husband?

CrazyLadie · 01/02/2023 17:32

rothbury · 01/02/2023 17:31

I don’t understand why it’s a big deal to see your sister without your husband?

Cause she always want to meet in restaurant etc and as OP still has 2 older kids at home she can't afford it.

Benjispruce4 · 01/02/2023 17:34

Sounds like an overreaction. Had they always got on before?