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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fall out between sister and husband

89 replies

poiuy · 01/02/2023 16:02

Fed up with this situation and hope for some advice! I’ve always been v close to my sister as mum died young. However, we are very different and she lives alone with no family and I have 3 older kids and all the chaos and busy days that family bring. To cut a long story short, she had a disagreement with my partner over something small in July 2021 whilst visiting . She told me afterwards that she was fuming but since then refuses to discuss it with any of us. I think she was over-sensitive but at any rate, forgive and forget and just move on and build bridges. She will no longer visit, even at Christmas/ for a few hours or meet if he is present. She expects me to meet her, usually in a restaurant or cafe. I am saddened that she won’t visit and cannot really keep affording this, especially if it involves bringing her nieces and nephews/our kids along. I think she is being really selfish and pathetic to be honest but if I broached the issues I think I would lose her, as she can be quite volatile. I feel sorry for my husband and loyal to his feelings. How can we move forward and should I just bow to her demands to meet just me (and maybe the kids) in some random place?

OP posts:
Bellalalala · 01/02/2023 16:27

poiuy · 01/02/2023 16:21

Yes, they are pretty much grown up but love her to bits and always want to see her - not sure what you mean - sorry - probably me!

They are grown and if they really want to see her, then they can arrange it.

My dd is 18. If she wanted to see my brother she would just arrange it with him.

You don’t need to facilitate it.

But if you really believe that is all the fall out was about. A one off incident where he, quietly, asked her to be quiet and she is this upset I think you need to straight with her and tell her it’s gone on long enough.

Whatislove82 · 01/02/2023 16:27

poiuy · 01/02/2023 16:21

Yes, they are pretty much grown up but love her to bits and always want to see her - not sure what you mean - sorry - probably me!

Because you referred to the cost of you bringing them along 😂

Krakenes · 01/02/2023 16:28

Can’t you just see her at her house?

Whatislove82 · 01/02/2023 16:28

How far do you live from one another?
how frequently do you usually see her?
did she spend Christmas alone?

sillysmiles · 01/02/2023 16:29

@poiuy you haven't said - has you DH apologised?

Whatislove82 · 01/02/2023 16:29

poiuy · 01/02/2023 16:19

i think the world of her- that’s why I am so upset by it all but I do think it’s an over-reaction as it has gone on for a year and a half.

You describe her as volatile, scared of upsetting her, and she’s easily narked

I dread to think how you describe people you don’t think the world of

Original poster
poiuy · 01/02/2023 16:29

Wow - well ok - so I should just do what she asks? Can’t imagine being condescending - she is always the wise one and I have huge respect for her but I am stuck in the middle here and do think the whole situation is ridiculous

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 01/02/2023 16:32

Wow I’m not surprised you are scared of upsetting her! Clearly you have been conditioned to be wary of her

WhatsApp

dear sis

this situation with husband has gone on too long. When do you think you’ll move past it? I’d like you and the kids to come to ours again and husband would too

xx

Quitelikeit · 01/02/2023 16:32

She likes to be in control your sister doesn’t she? M

is she jealous of you and your husband?

Whatislove82 · 01/02/2023 16:32

poiuy · 01/02/2023 16:29

Wow - well ok - so I should just do what she asks? Can’t imagine being condescending - she is always the wise one and I have huge respect for her but I am stuck in the middle here and do think the whole situation is ridiculous

It doesn’t occur to you for one minute that there might be more to this?

and I’m guessing your DH didn’t apologise by your radio silence

Whatislove82 · 01/02/2023 16:33

Whatislove82 · 01/02/2023 16:28

How far do you live from one another?
how frequently do you usually see her?
did she spend Christmas alone?

?

NeedToChangeName · 01/02/2023 16:33

If she doesn't want to come to your house she doesn't have to

But you don't have to pander to her

The incident you describe sounds like a storm in a tea cup, so either (a) he was very rude or (b) she's being OTT or (c) there was more than this one incident

Whatislove82 · 01/02/2023 16:34

I have 3 older kids and all the chaos and busy days that family bring.

Your kids are in their twenties Op!! 😂

Original poster
poiuy · 01/02/2023 16:34

Husband apologised immediately as soon as he could see that she was annoyed by his comment. But she left the room, went to bed and left the following morning

OP posts:
Cocobutt · 01/02/2023 16:36

Husband was watching massive football game - can’t remember - was it cup final or something at the time? He asked her to be quiet as he was trying to watch the game!
Husband said to her that he didn’t mean to upset and that ‘it’s water under the bridge’ and she is always welcome etc..but as time goes on and she wouldn’t visit at Christmas he is getting pretty fed up with the whole situation.

Why would she need to be quiet for a football match?
They usually show them in pubs where there’s loads of noise.

If it was such a big game that required people to be quiet then you shouldn’t have had visitors around.

I doubt it’s the fact he told her to be quiet which is what she’s upset about.
It’s the fact that your DH was a dick and then acted like it was no big deal and you are also acting like she over reacted.

He’s now getting fed of the situation - even though he was the one that caused it.

It’s the downplaying of it and the ‘water under the bridge’ that is the issue - he shouldn’t be the one even saying that!
He should be the one apologising and she gets to say whether it’s water under the bridge or not.
That fact that he said it just proves that she is not over reacting.

Why not just meet her at her house?

Original poster
poiuy · 01/02/2023 16:38

Sorry yes of course but two are still at home. I was just trying to say our lives are very different with no judgement whatsoever. She has said before she finds our house tiring and laughs that she doesn’t like company generally - finds people irritating, lives a quiet life and does not do Christmas really..prefers to be alone. I laugh back cos sometimes that’s quite an attractive idea to me!

OP posts:
roarfeckingroarr · 01/02/2023 16:39

I think she massively overreacted

Whatislove82 · 01/02/2023 16:40

Op you conveyed your situation… “older kids” “the cost” of bringing them along and the madness of bringing them along.

an AS reveals you are patently distorting the truth

so I reckon you are doing the same here 🤷‍♀️

Whatislove82 · 01/02/2023 16:41

poiuy · 01/02/2023 16:38

Sorry yes of course but two are still at home. I was just trying to say our lives are very different with no judgement whatsoever. She has said before she finds our house tiring and laughs that she doesn’t like company generally - finds people irritating, lives a quiet life and does not do Christmas really..prefers to be alone. I laugh back cos sometimes that’s quite an attractive idea to me!

But going by your past threads… they’re at home but in their twenties (one committing unbelievable and shocking fraud according to your other thread).

Original poster
poiuy · 01/02/2023 16:42

i don’t want any apology! That would be ridiculous. I totally get why she was so upset, of course I do! But life is too short for this to cause so much ongoing upset for everyone

OP posts:
SeasonFinale · 01/02/2023 16:44

ColdHandsHotHead · 01/02/2023 16:15

actually if someone asked me to be quiet because they were watching football, I'd be annoyed. You don't need to hear it.

Clearly you are not a football fan and yes if it is an important match you have been looking forward to then it would be annoying to have anyone nattering on whilst watching. I understand its not important to you but as a guest in someone else's house no doubt you would be polite and respect their request.

TomatoSandwiches · 01/02/2023 16:45

Your sister sounds like hard work and the kind of person who needs to be in control, if you do still want to see her then perhaps just meet up at hers, although I would feel the need to have a conversation about this, it is a ridiculous amount of time to hold a grudge about being asked to be quite.

CantAskAnyoneElse · 01/02/2023 16:45

poiuy · 01/02/2023 16:25

Yes we are not good at having frank conversations together tbh. She gets really narked easily and I’m a bit scared tbh of upsetting her even more but I guess I have to try..really helpful thx

Funny, it really comes off that it’s you who gets easily narked, and it’s your thread!!

FrenchandSaunders · 01/02/2023 16:46

It was a HUGE match, it must have been the final of the Euros. If you are into football then that is big.

Your sister is being ridiculous, esp as he apologised afterwards.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 01/02/2023 16:47

She's massively overreacted. So what she was asked to be quiet. He was watching something, if she wanted to talk, she could have gone to another room to do it. I would tell her she either gets past it, she's had an apology already, or I wouldn't be able to visit as much due to the cost.