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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my partner is being a prick when he does this?

105 replies

isthisacceptable4 · 01/02/2023 12:50

I'm so fed up of it and would like to know if I'm overreacting or not.

Whenever my partner is concentrating on something and I'm trying to help but he's getting frustrated he will talk to me in such a disrespectful way sometimes. It's nothing severe but it's really getting to me as he never stops when I've said I dont like it.

Earlier he was reversing out of the driveway as the neighbours builders had blocked us in and was getting frustrated. I was agreeing with him and suggesting an alternative and he just screamed QUIETTTTT at me. I now just don't want to be around him and he's calling me pathetic for being upset with him. This has happened so many times over the years and I've just had enough. I feel so disrespected.

Am I making a mountain out of a molehill here?

OP posts:
Aprilx · 01/02/2023 12:53

I don’t know really, you probably need to give a few more examples. I know this is mumsnet and nobody ever loses their temper but in real life sometimes people do. From what you have said about your helpful advice, it is possible that you are a little bit annoying. As I say though, I am basing that on the small example in your first post alone.

Oopswediditagain2023 · 01/02/2023 12:55

I mean he sounds like a nasty piece of work if I'm honest.

That said, it does really piss me off when someone can see I'm concentrating on something and they start chit chatting to me.

Original poster
isthisacceptable4 · 01/02/2023 12:57

When I say helpful advice I'm not necessarily trying to tell him how to do something. More just giving him support that I'm on his side and he still does it 😔

OP posts:
Ncgirlseriously · 01/02/2023 12:57

No, why would you want to be with someone who yells at you, disrespects you and calls you pathetic for not just taking it on the chin?

cheatingcrackers · 01/02/2023 12:59

Hmm, that sort of encouraging/supportive chat would annoy me too, but I would just say "DH, you're being really annoying right now!" and that would be the end of it. The screaming "QUIET!" I would find unpleasant but ok if he then apologised, calling you pathetic is really not on.

Dodecaheidyin · 01/02/2023 12:59

I had one like that. I found it best not to try and be supportive just in case ie I walked on eggshells.

Is it a general pattern in your relationship, OP? What's he like with you outwith his stressful times?

honeyytoast · 01/02/2023 12:59

That would give me the ick

meetmeatmidnights · 01/02/2023 13:00

I mean he sounds like a bit of a prick and quite rude, but you also sound a bit annoying in the example you've given so I think you're both unreasonable on that one.

picklemewalnuts · 01/02/2023 13:00

If he struggles with aural processing, or multitasking full stop, he may be unable to think if someone is talking, no matter how supportively.

I mean, no excuse for being a dick, but maybe don't talk during tense moments?

My mum just won't stop talking. She'll ask me to fix something then jabber at me about something totally unrelated. I just can't think straight. I've tried asking, I've tried telling, I've reminded her in the moment... but no. One day I will snap.

bussteward · 01/02/2023 13:01

We need more examples, I think. If you know he’s concentrating and frustrated, why are you talking to him?

Overgrowngrasslady · 01/02/2023 13:03

I couldn’t put up with someone speaking to me like that, but on the flip side there is nothing worse than someone basically telling uou how to do something when you’re concentrating hard on doing it and haven’t asked.

im not abusive but to be honest if my husband was acting like a know it all and giving me useful advice and did it repeatedly, when I didn’t ask id probably eventually tell him to shut the fuck up when it got to much for me.

Hollyhocksarenotmessy · 01/02/2023 13:04

What other examples do you have?

He shouldn't shout at you, but my ex was banned from so much as squeaking while I was parking/manoeuvring as his helpful comments were anything but, and were just distracting.

Overgrowngrasslady · 01/02/2023 13:04

My mum just won't stop talking. She'll ask me to fix something then jabber at me about something totally unrelated. I just can't think straight. I've tried asking, I've tried telling, I've reminded her in the moment... but no. One day I will snap

this . In this example that’s what it sounds like. So the op needs to provide more examples, as when people behave like this there comes a time even the most saintly snap.

catandcoffee · 01/02/2023 13:06

isthisacceptable4 · 01/02/2023 12:57

When I say helpful advice I'm not necessarily trying to tell him how to do something. More just giving him support that I'm on his side and he still does it 😔

More examples please.

Cranky2 · 01/02/2023 13:07

He didn't ask you for any help though. If I'm trying to concentrate on something like that and DH starts talking at me I get annoyed too. My auditory processing is slow so DH knows to just let me concentrate.

He was already annoyed at the situation and he yelled because he was already angry

Now waiting for massive drip feed

BigMadAdrian · 01/02/2023 13:08

The way he spoke to you was very unreasonable, but I really struggle to concentrate on some things if people are noisy - friends of my ds thought it was hilarious that I asked them (nicely) to stop chatting in the back of the car while I navigated an unfamiliar, massive roundabout with about 10 lanes (I have ADHD).

AndyWarholsPiehole · 01/02/2023 13:09

Why do you keep taking when he's concentrating if you know it makes him frustrated?
I can't stand people talking when I'm trying to concentrate and have snapped at people when they won't shut up after being asked politely.

pigsinoodies · 01/02/2023 13:09

picklemewalnuts · 01/02/2023 13:00

If he struggles with aural processing, or multitasking full stop, he may be unable to think if someone is talking, no matter how supportively.

I mean, no excuse for being a dick, but maybe don't talk during tense moments?

My mum just won't stop talking. She'll ask me to fix something then jabber at me about something totally unrelated. I just can't think straight. I've tried asking, I've tried telling, I've reminded her in the moment... but no. One day I will snap.

Thank you. I read the OP cringingly because I've been known to act like that. I'd never associated it with my aural processing problem but it does make sense. Maybe I'm not just a snappy knobhead after all.

AutumnCrow · 01/02/2023 13:10

isthisacceptable4 · 01/02/2023 12:57

When I say helpful advice I'm not necessarily trying to tell him how to do something. More just giving him support that I'm on his side and he still does it 😔

Being screamed at or shouted at is very unpleasant, yes. Being called 'pathetic' isn't nice.

But I'm nevertheless unsure how you 'support' someone reversing a car or getting frustrated doing a task? Maybe I'm being a bit semi-deliberately obtuse - but I have lived a long life and know from experience that the best thing is to leave them to it with the parting words, 'let me know if you need me to help with anything'.

Cranky2 · 01/02/2023 13:11

You calling him a prick isn't making you sound particularly fair either

Overgrowngrasslady · 01/02/2023 13:13

isthisacceptable4 · 01/02/2023 12:57

When I say helpful advice I'm not necessarily trying to tell him how to do something. More just giving him support that I'm on his side and he still does it 😔

Honestly I e never met a person who when trying to reverse in a tricky situation, needs their partner to reassure them they are on their side . I mean like seriously.

Lcb123 · 01/02/2023 13:15

I’m exactly like your partner - I hate unsolicited advice if I’m doing something tricky. Maybe talk to him about it - my DH knows not to do it!

DysmalRadius · 01/02/2023 13:17

So you know the circumstances under which he gets overwhelmed and snaps, but you still 'help' in situations where he is likely to find it frustrating? It sounds like you're placing your need to feel as though you are doing something above his need for calm/quiet when he's struggling. Perhaps you could discuss it in a quiet moment and ask him what he would like you to do to be supportive rather than the approach you're currently taking?

Imtryingnottobother · 01/02/2023 13:17

I don’t think it’s your job to comfort and soothe him when he’s angry in a situation like that, walk away and let him get on with it.

Original poster
isthisacceptable4 · 01/02/2023 13:17

I mean all I was saying is the builders are being really unreasonable as it's hard for us to leave the house most days and we shouldn't have to park elsewhere. That is all I said. Hardly worthy of screaming I don't think. I wasn't trying to tell him how to do anything.

It was one sentence I hadn't just been talking on and on and he hadn't once said can you be quiet I'm trying to concentrate. I find it really rude. If the situation were reversed I'd at least be polite about it which would have been fine.

Other examples.. hmmm he will do it whenever I ask him a question but he's focusing on something, when half the time I'm not aware he's focusing on something. Or whenever he is thinking and I make even the slightest comment.

Yet he will waltz into my desk area and start talking at me and rummaging and I don't react in that way, I politely ask him to come back later or not make so much noise. If I so much as ask if he'd like a drink when I pop my head into his office it's the same thing. Am I really that insensitive and is this really so annoying to people? I thought it was a nice thing,

OP posts: