Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my partner is being a prick when he does this?

105 replies

isthisacceptable4 · 01/02/2023 12:50

I'm so fed up of it and would like to know if I'm overreacting or not.

Whenever my partner is concentrating on something and I'm trying to help but he's getting frustrated he will talk to me in such a disrespectful way sometimes. It's nothing severe but it's really getting to me as he never stops when I've said I dont like it.

Earlier he was reversing out of the driveway as the neighbours builders had blocked us in and was getting frustrated. I was agreeing with him and suggesting an alternative and he just screamed QUIETTTTT at me. I now just don't want to be around him and he's calling me pathetic for being upset with him. This has happened so many times over the years and I've just had enough. I feel so disrespected.

Am I making a mountain out of a molehill here?

OP posts:
Original poster
isthisacceptable4 · 01/02/2023 13:18

Sounds like it's all my fault then! Thanks everyone!

OP posts:
Slowingdownagain · 01/02/2023 13:21

I don't know, I mean it seems a bit OTT and rude, but then again if he is stressed and concentrating and you are jabbering away giving him "helpful" advice on how we can do it better that sounds pretty annoying too.

ShandaLear · 01/02/2023 13:21

Are you wittering when he’s trying to concentrate? Because that would do my nut in too. If it’s more than that and he’s just yelling at you randomly then you have a bigger problem. My mum can’t abide a silence and feels the need to fill the calm with random thoughts and observations. It’s like word salad and after a while it takes every ounce of mental strength I have not to tell her to shut up for 5 minutes and give me some brain peace. She does have a diagnosed anxiety disorder though.

Wnikat · 01/02/2023 13:21

I get completely overwhelmed if someone tries to talk to me when I’m concentrating. And it makes me snappy. I try to keep a lid on it but I do have to say ‘please don’t talk to me right now’ which be heard as rude

Ponoka7 · 01/02/2023 13:23

Start leaving him alone. I hate being around people who don't realise that if I want a drink/might need to put another layer on, I'm at a functioning level were I can see to myself. We don't know if he's treating you like shit or you are a mitherer. So back off and see how things go.

DiastasisRectiSucks · 01/02/2023 13:23

The best thing to do is find out what happens if you just don’t talk to him at all when you can see he is stressed/frustrated/concentrating.

Is he ever apologetic afterwards? That would be the more important thing for me. To be able to say “sorry if I was snappy there! I was just really overwhelmed”

Original poster
isthisacceptable4 · 01/02/2023 13:24

No I just asked if he was going to apologise and he refused

OP posts:
Original poster
isthisacceptable4 · 01/02/2023 13:29

Ponoka7 · 01/02/2023 13:23

Start leaving him alone. I hate being around people who don't realise that if I want a drink/might need to put another layer on, I'm at a functioning level were I can see to myself. We don't know if he's treating you like shit or you are a mitherer. So back off and see how things go.

This isn't something I do constantly as that would get on my tits as well. It's just if I'm passing like once every other day generally

OP posts:
Steviebrown · 01/02/2023 13:29

His reaction seems to be unreasonable. Maybe try to speak to him about this and ask him to respond more calmly next time, point out it's really rude to yell at you like that.
But... my ex used to witter. Particularly when I was parking or in a tight spot with the car. Parking - park here lovely... oh it doesn't help that they are right on the line... there's a bigger space over there... It wasn't so much what he was saying, or that he was talking too much, it was that he didn't need to say anything at all. Especially if I was concentrating.
Or I might be concentrating on something, and he'd come by and hover, and I'd say hang on a mo, or just kind of raise a finger to ask him to hang on, and off he'd go... wittering. I didn't yell at him, but I did get a bit curt at times.

Isheabastard · 01/02/2023 13:31

Ask yourself (and him) if he would have done this to another person. Stranger, work colleague, friend, boss etc).

Also ask yourself I’d you feel like he treats you like an equal partner in the relationship.

Sometimes individual examples don’t help because to us it’s just one example, but if to you it’s one of many, then trust your gut.

MissWings · 01/02/2023 13:34

To be fair if I am really concentrating on something and my husband knows this and he still proceeds to give me “helpful advice” I would probably tell him to be QUIETTTT too.

Depends on the context really. Is he usually a bit of an arsehole or not?

Nuisanc · 01/02/2023 13:34

My brother is like this, he's a walking red flag. My sister in law says anything to him and he says something horrible or snappy. 🚩

Original poster
isthisacceptable4 · 01/02/2023 13:36

Isheabastard · 01/02/2023 13:31

Ask yourself (and him) if he would have done this to another person. Stranger, work colleague, friend, boss etc).

Also ask yourself I’d you feel like he treats you like an equal partner in the relationship.

Sometimes individual examples don’t help because to us it’s just one example, but if to you it’s one of many, then trust your gut.

I think this is a big thing. He would never speak to another soul in this way, only me.

OP posts:
Brefugee · 01/02/2023 13:38

he does sound like a knob.

but fwiw if i'm concentrating on something and someone starts talking to me i usually get cross too. Not that i shout obscenities, but you can tell from my tone I'm annoyed.

Liz1tummypain · 01/02/2023 13:39

Yep, he sounds nasty. Show him the responses here.

Lolabear38 · 01/02/2023 13:40

It seems like a bit of an OTT response, however I can be like that too. If I’m concentrating I find it really difficult to have distractions and if, as you say, it’s happened a lot it could just be that he finds you a bit annoying in these moments. Sometimes I really just need a minute of peace to concentrate on something so chatter in the background is annoying to me, regardless of what it is.

Some predictable ‘nasty bastard, is he normally this abusive? LTB!’ Mumsnet type responses on here but I actually sympathise with him a little here, whilst thinking he was also maybe a little harsh.

FatOaf · 01/02/2023 13:42

I was assuming this was a reverse. People "trying to help" while you're concentrating on something are an absolute pain in the arse. Stop doing it.

OnlyFannys · 01/02/2023 13:46

When I'm concentrating on driving I've occasionally had to quickly tell dp to be quiet by shushing him, I know its rude but occasionally if you are mid manoeuvre you dont have time to politely ask for quiet. I always apologise afterwards tho if I have come across snappy

Riapia · 01/02/2023 13:47

He screamed at you.

On MN they usually scream in your face, that’s lost you a lot of support there OP.

HiddenGiraffes · 01/02/2023 13:49

My husband did the supportive chat thing when I was giving birth, as he'd been told to, and I just wanted him to shut up. I managed to ask with more grace than your partner did while reversing.

TwinsAndTiramisu · 01/02/2023 13:51

Sorry OP, you don't sound like a bad person but you sound really annoying and the difficulty is that you genuinely can't see it.

You are quite defensive and "I'm only trying to help/support" but you truly aren't seeing how irritating this is, and you openly admit you do this all the time, honestly, most people would end up snapping at you.

My DH has adhd, and I work in an office downstairs at home. He'll hear me suddenly typing or rummaging and his impulsiveness often sends him hurrying in because he has to know specifically what the noise is. I absolutely hate him hovering. I'm very capable of doing my own work and I'm focused, thinking, concentrating. Yet every time there's "oh, there's a better way to do that on excel"..."have you tried packaging that like this"..."what's that? a return? typical eh?"

It drives me fucking mad. He does it daily. Multiple times. Believe me after years and years, it takes every strength not to yell at him to fuck the fuck off. It's the way he is. I accept he can't change that

If I said to him to leave me alone because I'm trying to concentrate, he would take massive umbrage and use the same line as you, that he was only trying to help.

The fact you are expecting an apology from him suggests you are completely lacking in self awareness. Sorry OP.

HiddenGiraffes · 01/02/2023 13:51

That said, I don't think he's a monster for losing his temper in this sort of situation. He should apologise afterwards not berate you for being bothered. The way he is after the momentary stress is the bigger issue imo.

HowcanIhelp123 · 01/02/2023 13:52

He shouldn't have snapped but my dad has a tendency of offering 'helpful advice' which is anything but helpful and extremely irritating when I try to concentrate. Then goes off in a huff when I ask him to please be quiet (3 times in a row before me saying simply saying shut up when he ignores me) stating he's 'only trying to help'. If he's made it clear he doesn't find your 'help' helpful then why do you keep doing it?

I need silence when I'm trying to manoeuvre while driving. My DH knows this because I told him the first time he tried to help me and has kept quiet unless I ask him for help since.

Workawayxx · 01/02/2023 13:53

I don't think it's at all acceptable to scream "QUIET!!" at you for one comment not aimed at him! He sounds really disrespectful and I would massively struggle with that.

My DP gets very snappy (at me) when he's tired or frustrated and I really really hate with it as I tend to always be polite and I'm used to that within my family. I began to get frustrated with myself as I started being very passive/apologetic when he started snapping and it would just make it worse as I'd be annoyed at myself and it seemed to make him think I was happy to take it. One day I lost patience and decided I had to force myself to snap back at him in the moment. When I did, that would sort of make him realise he had started it and he'd often stop or apologise. It's not ideal for me as it takes quite a big effort to deal with it in a different way but he has actually reduced the snappiness. What does your partner do if you snap back at him?

lemonsugarsnap · 01/02/2023 13:54

Don't understand some of these responses. Even if OP is being annoying, there was no need to scream. He could have just said shh or quiet in a normal voice. And yes not everyone's perfect blah blah but then he should apologise?

Not wanting to be screamed at is a perfectly ok boundary to have OP.