Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my partner is being a prick when he does this?

105 replies

isthisacceptable4 · 01/02/2023 12:50

I'm so fed up of it and would like to know if I'm overreacting or not.

Whenever my partner is concentrating on something and I'm trying to help but he's getting frustrated he will talk to me in such a disrespectful way sometimes. It's nothing severe but it's really getting to me as he never stops when I've said I dont like it.

Earlier he was reversing out of the driveway as the neighbours builders had blocked us in and was getting frustrated. I was agreeing with him and suggesting an alternative and he just screamed QUIETTTTT at me. I now just don't want to be around him and he's calling me pathetic for being upset with him. This has happened so many times over the years and I've just had enough. I feel so disrespected.

Am I making a mountain out of a molehill here?

OP posts:
been and done it. · 01/02/2023 13:56

isthisacceptable4 · 01/02/2023 13:18

Sounds like it's all my fault then! Thanks everyone!

My husband can be like this he's an arse.

TwinsAndTiramisu · 01/02/2023 14:00

lemonsugarsnap · 01/02/2023 13:54

Don't understand some of these responses. Even if OP is being annoying, there was no need to scream. He could have just said shh or quiet in a normal voice. And yes not everyone's perfect blah blah but then he should apologise?

Not wanting to be screamed at is a perfectly ok boundary to have OP.

It's not that simple though.

OP admits she does this at least every other day. And it irritates him every time. But that's OK, because she's self labelled it as helping.

Very few of us could go for very long, with someone continually and deliberately repeating really irritating behaviour, ignoring us every time we told them to stop, without finally snapping.

Frazzlefrazle · 01/02/2023 14:01

With a relationship its just built up annoyance, I would imagine he finds it really annoying and now it's not just that one sentence if a build up of tension from the previous times too especially if it's almost every day. Maybe just try and not comment in those situations.

category12 · 01/02/2023 14:03

It sounds like he thinks he's important and you're not.

BibbleandSqwauk · 01/02/2023 14:04

Dp can quite short with me if I say anything in a tricky driving situation. I think he feels like he's the man so should be effortlessly in control, not lost, or even held up by an inconsiderate driver or something so is embarrassed almost by anything that gets in the way of that . I just don't really say anything about anything. It's only really ever in the car. OP, right at that moment when he's dealing with the maneuver was probably not the moment to make supportive noises, but equally, his reaction was unnecessarily rude and unpleasant.

steff13 · 01/02/2023 14:05

Wnikat · 01/02/2023 13:21

I get completely overwhelmed if someone tries to talk to me when I’m concentrating. And it makes me snappy. I try to keep a lid on it but I do have to say ‘please don’t talk to me right now’ which be heard as rude

I'm the same. If I'm concentrating and someone tries to talk to me, I can get snappish. I realize that's not my best self, and I apologize, but I'm certainly not abusive. I also think it's best practice not to offer "helpful advice" unless the person asks for it.

HiddenGiraffes · 01/02/2023 14:06

isthisacceptable4 · 01/02/2023 13:17

I mean all I was saying is the builders are being really unreasonable as it's hard for us to leave the house most days and we shouldn't have to park elsewhere. That is all I said. Hardly worthy of screaming I don't think. I wasn't trying to tell him how to do anything.

It was one sentence I hadn't just been talking on and on and he hadn't once said can you be quiet I'm trying to concentrate. I find it really rude. If the situation were reversed I'd at least be polite about it which would have been fine.

Other examples.. hmmm he will do it whenever I ask him a question but he's focusing on something, when half the time I'm not aware he's focusing on something. Or whenever he is thinking and I make even the slightest comment.

Yet he will waltz into my desk area and start talking at me and rummaging and I don't react in that way, I politely ask him to come back later or not make so much noise. If I so much as ask if he'd like a drink when I pop my head into his office it's the same thing. Am I really that insensitive and is this really so annoying to people? I thought it was a nice thing,

You should point out to him that he frequently disturbs you and you don't snap, even though it's annoying to you too. It genuinely might not have occurred to him.

As I said before, I think the snapping in the moment is one thing but he should at least be apologetic afterwards.

Tiredbehyondbelief · 01/02/2023 14:15

I had a friend who was always trying to be helpful and coming up with advice and suggestions etc. A lot of the time they were completely off the mark and/or insensitive and/or poorly timed. My friend confided that she had friends in the past who would break up with her after a big argument regarding her advice. My friend was genuinly hurt and I sympathised at the time. Fast forward 18 months and I did exactly the same and I am no longer friends with her despite her being a witty and intelligent person. This was after I tried explaining to her that every time someone offers you a suggestion - the underlying message is they know better than you do. She thought she was offering help and advice out of best intentions for my welfare - I found it patronising and sometimes downright insensitive - in other words disrespectful. So I ended up by shouting at her and that was the end of our friendship. I have no regrets.

Maray1967 · 01/02/2023 14:15

I’m a bit petty if this type of thing happens but mine would get it back from
me next time he turned up at my desk area rummaging around after shouting at me not to disturb him. You need to shout ‘ I’m working !!!’ And when he protests about how you’ve just spoken to him , you tell him that’s what he does to you, so if he doesn’t like it he needs to stop doing it himself.

billy1966 · 01/02/2023 14:18

isthisacceptable4 · 01/02/2023 13:36

I think this is a big thing. He would never speak to another soul in this way, only me.

Show quote history

He treats you like this because he knows he can.

You put up with it and he has zero respect for you.

We teach people how to treat us and the message you have given him repeatedly is that this is ok.

He's a nasty piece of work who certainly doesn't really love or respect you.

Don't focus on trying to fix nasty scum.

It's a complete waste of YOUR TIME.

Focus on you.

Why are you accepting this?

What is going on with you that your standards are so low?

You have accepted this for years, why would scum like him treat you with respect when you clearly have none for yourself?

Do you know why other women don't end up spending years with scum like him?

Because the first time they see a hint of disrespect they have the confidence in themselves to either dump them or put them straight that they will not accept such behaviour.

Scum like him will give you as much awful treatment as you will take.

This is your life because you have chosen the hard road where you accept being treated badly.

I hope you haven't inflicted this waster on children?

Invariably women who put up with poor treatment unfortunately often go ahead and have children with these horrible nasty men.

Its very sad that you place such little value on your one precious life and choose to spend it with nasty scum like him.

You deserve better than scum for a partner.
Pity you don't know this.

DemonHost · 01/02/2023 14:19

I’m afraid I’m with your husband on this, I hate being interrupted or distracted when I am focused on something.

EllieM27 · 01/02/2023 14:21

Of course he shouldn’t snap and that’s crap behaviour, but you are also contributing by irritating him. You need to make a concentrated effort to stop being annoying to him; you seem to know what/when this is so reining it in shouldn’t be too hard. Make yourself reframe it more accurately. You are not being “helpful” and “supportive” because he doesn’t perceive it that way, you’re actually needling him.

If you succeed in cutting out the commentary that is frustrating him and he starts snapping over something else then it’s a different story.

Roundabout78 · 01/02/2023 14:22

DemonHost · 01/02/2023 14:19

I’m afraid I’m with your husband on this, I hate being interrupted or distracted when I am focused on something.

Me too. If I’m focussed and concentrating on something Difficult and someone is wittering away down my ear it makes my blood boil.

pinkyredrose · 01/02/2023 14:22

Someone wittering on when you're trying to concentrate is so irritating

Why don't you ask the builders to not block you in, now that really would be helpful.

xogossipgirlxo · 01/02/2023 14:23

Even if you're slightly annoying giving him advice or support, shouting QUIEEEET or calling you pathetic is unacceptable. There are other ways to deal with it. Maybe I'm overreacting, but if my husband called me pathetic, I would lose all my faith in his respect to me.

pinkyredrose · 01/02/2023 14:24

@billy1966. Bit harsh.

MrsHughesPinny · 01/02/2023 14:25

He definitely shouldn’t have shouted at you, but I can’t stand people talking to me when I’m trying to concentrate. What you see as encouragement might be adding to his annoyance…

category12 · 01/02/2023 14:26

isthisacceptable4 · 01/02/2023 13:36

I think this is a big thing. He would never speak to another soul in this way, only me.

Show quote history

He ought to treat you better than other people because he supposedly loves you, not worse because he thinks he can get away with it.

It shouldn't be hard to be loving and kind to someone you love. It sounds like he's contemptuous if anything. Time to rethink being there.

DisappearingGirl · 01/02/2023 14:30

Everyone is saying it is annoying to witter. Well yes I agree.

But from the OP's examples it doesn't really sound like she is wittering. Asking someone if they would like a drink once every other day doesn't seem like wittering. Though only the OP knows where this line lies!

It sounds to me as though he's being really unpleasant and rude.

madeyemoody · 01/02/2023 14:31

To play devils advocate here. My partner is one of those people that is 'always right' and if you don't do it their way, then you are doing it wrong.

I have been so wound up by my partners constant interjections and instructions when I am driving that I have admittedly lost it. At that moment I am the one in control of the vehicle and will move it around the way I know how to based on my personal abilities. No point telling me a 'better way' if I don't have the confidence in my ability no matter how "easy" the alternative would be.

It's a double blow because my partner can't drive and doesn't have a lisence but knows how to drive better than me apparently.

butterfliedtwo · 01/02/2023 14:32

If you do this every other day, I would snap too. Stop talking to him when he's trying to concentrate.

billy1966 · 01/02/2023 14:35

pinkyredrose · 01/02/2023 14:24

@billy1966. Bit harsh.

I really don't think so.

Screaming at your partner and calling the pathetic when they object is just not acceptable behaviour.

Repeatedly treating them poorly and only treating them this way is not acceptable.

The OP feels disrespected.

But she has put up with this for years so it is her choice.

He sounds awful to me and I can't fathom such treatment.

Each to their own standards i guess.

BadNomad · 01/02/2023 14:36

Has he always been this harsh in how he talks to you? I wonder if he just has no patience any more because, in his mind, you keep insisting on distracting him in the middle of doing things. He shouldn't speak to you like that anyway.

Cocobutt · 01/02/2023 14:40

I’m on the fence here as I don’t think his behaviour is ok but I have snapped too when people keep talking when I am trying to concentrate or have sensory overload.

I would talk to him afterwards when the situation is over and he’s not concentrating and ask him why he spoke to you like that.
It is likely that he doesn’t realise how harsh he’s coming across and you are being much more annoying than you think.

I would trial him saying ‘shh’ when he needs quiet time to concentrate.

It sounds wrong but actually it’s hard to articulate that you want someone to stop talking in that moment and then it ends up being a shout/snap.

Whereas ‘shh’ let’s you know he needs quiet for a minute without him needing to find the correct words.

You can also do it when you are trying to concentrate too.

Stravaig · 01/02/2023 14:42

Earlier he was reversing out of the driveway as the neighbours builders had blocked us in and was getting frustrated.

Why did this require your input or even your presence?
Do you often 'hover and help' as a nice thing? Does he actually like it?

If yes and no, then you need to learn each other's communication preferences. Or accept that you're incompatible before you drive each other mad.

Sometimes people who offer attention/care are indirectly demanding it. When you pop into his office, are you really offering him a drink - or do you just want him to pay attention to you, to offer love and validation to you? Because that kind of repeated interruption can be really irritating, all the more so for being dishonestly expressed.