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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

PIL & SIL visiting new baby

96 replies

Meganlp · 31/01/2023 22:28

DH’s parents and sister live in America and have planned to visit us 4 weeks after my due date. I’m aware baby could be early or late meaning could be anywhere between 2-6 weeks old roughly.
As they’re coming from America they’re staying for 10 days, they have booked an Airbnb nearby as DH said it was too much for them to stay with us. We don’t live anywhere near any of DH’s extended family so they will only be here to see us and nobody else.

I don’t know if I’m being irrational but I’m really dreading it. I’m of course more than happy for them to meet the baby, but I wish this was going to be them popping in for a couple of hours one day and then leaving. The thought of having to spend days on end with them is making me anxious. We had IVF and there were times I never thought I’d have a baby so I’m not sure if that’s making me feel worse about it. I want to be able to shut off from the world and enjoy the first few weeks of our babies life as a family, I feel like I have to share it with them.

I do feel really selfish but I just can’t shake the feeling and I’m not sure what to do about it. Do I need to try and get over this asap or is it normal to feel like this?

OP posts:
PenguinsandHippos · 31/01/2023 22:36

It’s normal to feel like that, but it will probably be good for you if you can find a way to accept the situation / feel comfortable within your boundaries.

How about recommending interesting places to visit near-by, things to do etc, so that they can have a nice time without being constantly with you. Then you can see them for a couple of hours at a time, but not all day, everyday.

Keep reminding yourself that it is only 10 days, not forever.

PollyPut · 31/01/2023 22:49

Hopefully you can put a visitors guide together and they will have some transport. Otherwise if they are going to be with you a lot, can they cook? You will be entitled to sleep a lot (sleep when the baby sleeps is what I remember from those early days)

Catsstillrock · 31/01/2023 22:51

Know how you feel OP. DH’s parents live abroad and we were pushed by them to book a trip to visit when DC1 was 8 weeks old. (They’d first tried for just 3 weeks after my due date as it was one of their birthdays!)

this seemed fine before she was born but afterwards I dreaded it.

it was a bad week, and some of their behaviour permanently damaged our relationship.

things I’d do differently are:

  • set expectations NOW ahead of time. Explain that you understand they need a long trip to make it worth it, but that it’s not long after the birth
  • so, they need to expect SHORT visits to you and then make plans for themselves to occupy the rest of the time.
  • make suggestions
  • discuss with your DH
  • encourage him to plan and organise stuff with them, including him going on trips with them without you.
  • think about meals. Where are they going to eat? Set expectations now. Will they expect to have dinner with you everyday? Are you ok with this? Whose going to cook etc.
  • what about evenings. My in laws usually stay in an Airbnb but they still hang out at ours until 10pm or later most evenings. I suck it up, but if you want / need some off plan that now.
  • what will you do (eg see them every day even if short? Go on one visit with them to wherever?) make some positive offers you are comfortable with.

what can be tough about this is it’s so full on so fast. And so early when you and DH are still adjusting. Most kids want to please their parents, it can be a learning curve for DHs to realise they do need / should not say Yes Of Course to everything their parents ask / want.

you need to plan with him too. Good luck!

ign0re · 31/01/2023 22:58

Follow absolutely everything cats has said. Have these conversations now, do not leave it to too late otherwise this
will taint your pregnancy and early days with bub!

figure it all out now whilst there’s still time. X

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 31/01/2023 23:05

It’s nice that they want to do the long journey to come and see your new baby. However, I do think 4 weeks post birth is too soon and I can understand why you’re worried, you’re not being selfish, it’s absolutely natural to want to ‘nest’ with a new baby without too much else going on.

@Catsstillrock gives some excellent advice - I would just add that if they can change the flights for a few weeks later down the line, you’re more likely to have got the hang of things and feel ready to spend quality time with them.

CrispAppleStrudels · 31/01/2023 23:11

Have they definitely booked already? If baby is 2 weeks overdue and say one or both of you needs time in hospital then there is a chance you might not even be home. My DD was in NICU for two weeks but even i had a 5 day stay due to getting a UTI from the catheter and they wanted to make sure the antiobiotics were effective before i was discharged.

Could you sell it to them as wanting to be absolutely sure you'll all be ready for visitors and so a few more weeks would be better?

Original poster
Meganlp · 31/01/2023 23:11

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate the advice. Especially @Catsstillrock everything you’ve said is so so helpful.

I did suggest some day trips, things to do while they’re here, but they said something along the lines of oh don’t be silly our priority is the baby. So it didn’t seem like they were planning on doing much else.
I will speak to DH again and then we can broach it in a more direct way with them - I would feel better with some clear boundaries beforehand.

DH did ask them to come when baby was 12+ weeks but they ignored this and booked for 4 weeks after due date…I understand they’re excited but it has annoyed me a bit they ignored him and essentially have done what they want.

OP posts:
Original poster
Meganlp · 31/01/2023 23:17

@CrispAppleStrudels they’ve already booked unfortunately. I think they’re desperate to get here asap and haven’t given a lot of thought to the variables.
if I’ve only been out of hospital a few days I don’t know what will happen as wouldn’t think I’d be up to much at all.

OP posts:
SugarNspices · 31/01/2023 23:22

I was gonna say have words before they book and wait at least a few weeks after the baby. It's wrong they ignored your husband even if they are just excited. All you can do is say no to them coming round if you are not well or not feeling up to it. Don't feel bad about setting some boundaries. I'm sure you let them see the baby enough before they leave but they can't except to be round your all the time. I was really not well two weeks after giving birth and could only feed my baby cuddle and sleep. My own parents didn't come until I could get out of bed.

ign0re · 01/02/2023 04:48

you never know what might happen, we all got covid after our baby was born so no one was allowed to visit. Plus birth exhaustion, new baby exhaustion and covid exhaustion meant we all slept every hour we could!

It’s so much easier to sort all this stuff now whilst you’re not in the depths of new baby fever/exhaustion. Xx

RobinRobinMouse · 01/02/2023 05:25

I dont think it is at all unreasonable that they want to meet the new baby as soon as they can. It isn't all that long a visit given they live so far away and won't be able to do so that often. If you make it a big deal it can become more work than it needs to, just let them know it will be lovely to see them but to bear in mind you'll all be a bit tired and with everything going on and there may be times when they need to fend for themselves. I don't believe there's a need for full on boundaries talk etc - barring you and the new baby they are his closest family. You will both have plenty of time with your baby.

Untitledsquatboulder · 01/02/2023 05:42

It's not just the baby though is it? I'm guessing they might also be wanting to see their son?

Unlike others on this thread, I'd just play it by ear but very much let dh play host whilst you feel free to take baby and disappear to rest when you need to. You may find yourself going stir crazy cooped up in the house a week after the birth (I did) and be desperate to get out on (short) day trips or you may want to live in pajamas. You may want to hand your baby to dh for an hour or two so you can sleep.

At the end of the day you have in laws that are going to play a very minor part in your lives. It seems churlish to begrudge them even that.

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/02/2023 05:51

Catsstillrock · 31/01/2023 22:51

Know how you feel OP. DH’s parents live abroad and we were pushed by them to book a trip to visit when DC1 was 8 weeks old. (They’d first tried for just 3 weeks after my due date as it was one of their birthdays!)

this seemed fine before she was born but afterwards I dreaded it.

it was a bad week, and some of their behaviour permanently damaged our relationship.

things I’d do differently are:

  • set expectations NOW ahead of time. Explain that you understand they need a long trip to make it worth it, but that it’s not long after the birth
  • so, they need to expect SHORT visits to you and then make plans for themselves to occupy the rest of the time.
  • make suggestions
  • discuss with your DH
  • encourage him to plan and organise stuff with them, including him going on trips with them without you.
  • think about meals. Where are they going to eat? Set expectations now. Will they expect to have dinner with you everyday? Are you ok with this? Whose going to cook etc.
  • what about evenings. My in laws usually stay in an Airbnb but they still hang out at ours until 10pm or later most evenings. I suck it up, but if you want / need some off plan that now.
  • what will you do (eg see them every day even if short? Go on one visit with them to wherever?) make some positive offers you are comfortable with.

what can be tough about this is it’s so full on so fast. And so early when you and DH are still adjusting. Most kids want to please their parents, it can be a learning curve for DHs to realise they do need / should not say Yes Of Course to everything their parents ask / want.

you need to plan with him too. Good luck!

This is very good advice. They have chosen to come much earlier than invited. Therefore they need to accommodate your needs, not the other way around. The same would apply of course even if they came when you were around 12 weeks postpartum. However, you would have had more of a chance to recover.

ComfortablyDazed · 01/02/2023 06:04

There’s some great advice on here.

My PIL were ensconced in the house by the time I got home from the hospital both times. In the words of Baby from Dirty Dancing, it didn’t occur to me to mind.

But looking back, it wasn’t OK.

I am determined to be a more considerate MIL, should I ever be lucky enough to have GDC.

waterrat · 01/02/2023 06:42

The main problem here is that with a tiny baby you will need to focus completely on sleeping when the baby sleeps. You will absolutely not want tonbe sitting around your living room chstting or making tea for hours

Call up your mother in law oland be honest

Ten Days of not even making other plans is insane. You will go mad with them sitting in your house while yoi are establishing feedinf and should be mainly restingand sleeping

At thst age baby will also need to be held by you and your dh not hours of being passed around. It will be a pressure when you need the opposite.

At 2 weeks i could barely sustain more than. an hour of a visitor

Speak to in laws now before it gets more stressful . Remind them you and rhe baby will need to be in bed together for much of the day and will be im bed early as will your dh who will be exhausted.

They need other plans or they need to wait another month or two

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 01/02/2023 06:46

Tell them a maximum time of a an hour a day and then let DH sort them out. While you go and snuggle and bond with baby.

And I assume he'll be doing all the cleaning and tidying and shopping and cooking and hosting while he's on paternity leave? Not that it's what it's for. But he needs to be the fence between you and them.

plumduck · 01/02/2023 06:51

Absolutely normal to feel like this. Even without the IVF.

Your DH needs to reiterate that you and baby will need rest. So he can thing of places to take them for a bit. Every day he needs to have planned something for them to do away from the house.

RobinRobinMouse · 01/02/2023 06:53

An hour a day! Never heard such ridiculous nonsense, they are the baby's grandparents and are there to see their son too. How lovely that they want to be in the baby's life right from the start and are making such an effort. They sound lovely and will probably help out with a bit of direction from your dh. Some of the suggestions here are just beyond belief.

Mindymomo · 01/02/2023 06:56

My MIL lived locally and up until I had first grandson we hardly saw her, due to all of us working full time. As soon as I had baby she was around everyday after work. To be honest she was a godsend, baby cried a lot and didn’t sleep much, she came in and took over so DH and I could have a meal in peace, a long soak in the bath, sleep etc. I just hope you have the kind of family that you can say after a couple of hour’s visiting that they should leave.

StickofVeg · 01/02/2023 06:57

Make sure DH prepares a spave for you with everything you need to escape to. So perhaps an armchair in the bedroom. Just go upstairs and sleep with baby if you need to. Don't cook, they make you drinks.

Happyorchidlady · 01/02/2023 06:58

You may find that you are really appreciative of the company! By a week pp after an emergency c section we were having a walk to our favourite local pub. By two weeks we were doing day trips to the city. This notion that for the first few weeks you just sit at home asleep is true for some but nonsense for many. Try and embrace the family time. You will be so grateful in the future when they want to come and stay again and give you a break from your constantly on the go crawling baby.

Slowingdownagain · 01/02/2023 06:58

What are they like as people? Helpful? They might be a huge help to you. A first baby is a huge transition and having family (which is what they are) around to help during that time can be amazing. Don’t feel you have to “host” and ask for the help you need if they are forthcoming. And if they aren’t easy to deal with be prepared to set boundaries.

I have sympathy for your dh, my family live in another country. However whenever they have visited after our babies I have found it a great help and comfort. They did laundry, took the baby for a walk so we could nap, cooked and cleaned, fussed over baby, took baby in the morning so we could have a lie in etc. My family are great 😊

MoserRothOrangeandAlmond · 01/02/2023 07:00

The thing is you never know how your going to feel when baby is here. Long awaiting baby after fertility struggles I thought I would just want to sit and soak it all in myself. It ended up being the opposite!
For me I didn't want visitors at hospital etc.... the next minute im getting my husband to check visiting times for later that day and all grandparents and siblings met baby a few hours after she was born.
I couldn't wait for her to meet everyone!
I also enjoyed visitors. But I always made it clear when I needed to rest so never an all day thing... something in the morning or something in the afternoon. As long as your husband can read the signs too that your tired and back you up then I don't see why at 3-4 weeks you can do that with immediate family.

JenniferBarkley · 01/02/2023 07:01

Perfectly reasonable to feel however you want OP, especially when you're pregnant and nervous about the newborn days - but yes you do kind of need to keep your peace on this one.

This is the baby's grandparents, and they will be just as excited to meet them as your parents. Don't borrow trouble - it may be a wonderful 10 days. Mumsnet tends to be very extreme on this issue! Grandparents visiting 2-6 weeks after the birth is very very normal.

Tell your DH that you're nervous, that you won't be up to hosting (i.e. cooking and cleaning - sitting on the sofa with a cup of tea chatting to family you can do!), and that if it all gets a bit much you'll be bringing the baby upstairs for a feed and he should support that.

Likely at times they will irritate you, because that's what happens with visitors, just like you'll have unintentionally irritated them at times when you visited the US. But these are people who love your DH and will love your baby - never forget that's ultimately a good thing.

When our first was born, DH was the proudest thing going - it was lovely to see him showing DD off to both families, and I'll never forget MIL's joy when she had that first cuddle. It's a good thing, keep reminding yourself of that.

WandaWonder · 01/02/2023 07:03

I had relatives visit us for a 6 weeks at the end of my pregnancy including 2 weeks after our child was born I was still able to be a functional adult and go out and do things, do stuff round the house, look after my baby and just do normal things

Sure not all pregnancies are the same but I didn't feel like the royalty where I announced I was ready for visitors, needed to be waited on

People have been having babies for thousands of years, it is perfectly normal to function with a baby life doesn't have to entirely revolve around me or baby