PIL & SIL visiting new baby

[Meganlp]

DH’s parents and sister live in America and have planned to visit us 4 weeks after my due date. I’m aware baby could be early or late meaning could be anywhere between 2-6 weeks old roughly.
As they’re coming from America they’re staying for 10 days, they have booked an Airbnb nearby as DH said it was too much for them to stay with us. We don’t live anywhere near any of DH’s extended family so they will only be here to see us and nobody else.

I don’t know if I’m being irrational but I’m really dreading it. I’m of course more than happy for them to meet the baby, but I wish this was going to be them popping in for a couple of hours one day and then leaving. The thought of having to spend days on end with them is making me anxious. We had IVF and there were times I never thought I’d have a baby so I’m not sure if that’s making me feel worse about it. I want to be able to shut off from the world and enjoy the first few weeks of our babies life as a family, I feel like I have to share it with them.

I do feel really selfish but I just can’t shake the feeling and I’m not sure what to do about it. Do I need to try and get over this asap or is it normal to feel like this?

You'll be four weeks post partum isn't that enough 'bubble'?

It's really weird and sounds so lonely. I loved having my house full of family and friends when my babies arrived. I mean it's not like I'm the baby's only family member. She's got a whole family full of people to meet and bond with and it's usually seen as a positive thing.

Then again this is Mumsnet where they never leave their kids til their 18 so a sane response you will not get here

Here's my twopennorth - very gently, I suggest that being too keen to see the baby is not the worst trait in grandparents.

My delightful in-laws live just 2 hours drive away and finally deigned to visit us to see DD1 for the first time when she was four and a half months old. To be honest I wasn't fussed about seeing them at all but I felt my poor DHs hurt and humiliation that his parents just could not be bothered to make the time to visit his precious first child. His relationship with them was already strained but that was pretty much the final straw and we are very low contact with them now.

I wish you well with everything and hope that you all find a format for the visit that everyone is happy with, and that you all end up with precious memories of introducing your little one to their wider family.

Great advice.
Also think how lovely it is that they're so excited to see the baby and making that long trip, and also staying at a Airbnb so they aren't being CF. Your baby is very lucky to be so loved

I'd say it's fine as long as they give you a lot of help with everything and don't just sit around cooing and cuddling the baby.

I think that when one set of grandparents lives in another country, particularly when it was their child's decision to move abroad and start their family there, it's important to encourage the relationship and be sensitive to the fact that they won't get to see the baby as much as they would like. That means, to a certain extent, putting up with longer visits than are really convenient, and spending a lot of time together over the course of a week.

The fact that they're staying in an Airbnb rather than with you is already a really positive thing. Now you just need to set some reasonable expectations. My family just came to visit for a week when my daughter was two weeks old. They stayed in an Airbnb and we hosted them for lunch each day but not dinner. I made them a reservation at a nice local restaurant one evening, and pointed out the decent takeaways. In the afternoons I handed the baby over to them for a couple of hours and had a nap.

With decent communication and understanding on both sides it can work well. They want to be a part of your child's life and that is a good thing.

I think expecting them to stay away more than a month is really isn't reasonable. It's your husbands baby too. American in-laws usually want to muck in and help. If you really don't want them to I think it best to let them know now. If you plan on letting them see the baby for very short visits I think they will be crushed. But it's still better for them to know and have expectations managed. My American in-laws were a Godsend and got straight into helping. You will be exhausted and two pairs of safe loving hands means being able to shower/nap whatever.

@SnackSizeRaisin
I think you’ve summed it up to be honest.

@babyjellyfish I’m not sure where I said my DH was American and had emigrated? He’s British, lived here all his life. They moved not him.

There’s not a huge backstory but they moved to the US when DH was only 16. He’s spent almost 16 years without them being a regular part of his life. The relationship is strained from DH’s side, he isn’t close to them although his mum does like to show up and play happy families for a day or 2 (the most we’ve seen them in one go usually), and then she can go months again without asking how we are and engaging in our lives. To be honest I think DH feels a bit abandoned by them.

I find all a bit odd but they’re pleasant enough to me. I can’t think of any other scenario where they’d want to spend 10 days with us though it’s literally a day here and there when they are usually over. I’m definitely not close to her so feel a bit strange that they suddenly want to spend so much time with us (the baby), I barely know them really.

Anyway thanks for all the advice, will definitely be setting boundaries and making things a bit clearer up front that we might not be able to see them everyday depending on circumstances.

I had the opposite experience - I thought seeing family would be horrendous. I got myself into such a state about it.

Then the baby came, family descended. My Mum stayed for a week (which I was dreading) but everything was different. I cried when she was leaving, so she had to come back and stay longer. Then she had to come back 2 days later and she stayed a month.

Dh's parents the same. I was dreading it. I cried so much when they left they had to come back 😂

I don't know....I suddenly felt very small, very vulnerable and I needed family.

But! No one interfered. They did what I asked. They made food, brought tea, did washing, walked the dogs, put the bins out, got shopping in, changed nappies, took over a few bottle feeds, bounced baby when I was on my knees tired etc. No one 'took over'. Everyone was encouraging and telling me how well I was doing.

I'd say you don't know how you're going to feel. Just make sure that your DH backs you. Have the conversation with him upfront.

My DH was good at handling things and being my voice about what I needed.

Did the emigrate for a job and he stayed on in boarding school? How does he feel about his family. Does he want them to meet his baby?

The problem is they have already ignored your and your DHs preferences and booked earlier than you are comfortable with.

so they have form for ignoring your boundaries, which isn’t a good start. (My in laws are the same).

i understand them being excited. In their position I’d have booked an earlier trip if I wanted, but based it around something else, a tour or whatever so I could take the pressure off. Say ‘oh I’m really coming for that but could I pop in for a few short visits as if I lived nearer?’

and then book the longer trip when i was invited and not a moment before.

if I could only afford one I’d come when I was invited now when I preferred.

this time is about you, OP and what you need. They are already making it about them.

if I were you I’d send them an email setting out some expectations and boundaries. I’d frame some of it as ‘my midwife has advised….’

will be useful when they are here if they are still pushing too much to be able to refer back to.

also gives them time to read and digest. And maybe talk to others who may set them straight that they need to be more considerate.

Should be ‘if I could only afford one trip I’d come when I was invited NOT when I preferred’

Sorry ignore my post. Just read your latest post.

Our families are large, overbearing with strong Mothers. My fear was that I was going to be bossed about and told I was doing it all wrong.

But when it came to it, it wasn't like that.

We're very close to our fucked up families though, see them lots, video calls at other times - not estranged like your DH is.

Heavens sake ready and stop being precious.

They are family and they want to see the baby.

If they didn't want to come that wouldn't be right either.

List of rules and regulations is awful and trying to control it all.

Chill out and see what happens.
YABU.

Not everyone likes a house full
of people! That’s my idea of hell at any time baby or not. Some people like having guests, others don’t. We don’t. I find visiting family exhausting, when I was BF I was perfectly happy with 14hrs of netflix a day. My DD didn’t sleep for more than 2hrs at a time for the first 6 weeks. I did not want other people
in the house, I just wanted to sleep when DD did and do my own thing when she was awake. I really enjoyed the early baby days and had an easy vaginal delivery with no damage, I didn’t need any help and I didn’t want to have to be around other people.

My MIL lives abroad, she had to wait until she was invited. People that invite themselves get what they are given, they don’t get to decide how much or how long. It’s rude!

I think you have to be reasonable about welcoming visitors who have traveled so far to see you.

Not when they’ve been rude enough to ignore being asked to wait until 12 weeks PP and instead went ahead and booked 4 weeks PP without consultation.

Hopefully they will be helpful and cook, get shopping, do laundry.
Breastfed babies tend to cluster feed at that age and keep you awake at night, which makes planning to go out on a schedule difficult.
Plan to have a rest every afternoon while the baby naps.

I would get your partner to enforce visiting hours. No stays longer than eg an hour and if you and the baby are asleep that whole hour because they didn't think to check with your partner first if it's a convenient time to pop over, that's their problem.

I do think it'll be fine though. I'm sure you'll find after day 2 they'll be extremely bored of watching someone else's baby sleep / poo / feed / cry that they'll start making alternative plans 🙃 At which point if you're as ridiculous as I was, you'll get angry and insulted they don't want to spend more time with your baby. Hormones are great like that.

Either way, it's already booked so there's no point in stressing about it beforehand as it's already done. See how you feel at the time and deal with it then. You really have no idea how you'll feel then - you might be so bored you'll enjoy the extra company! Plus, they're coming from the US... Think of all those foreign and exciting snack opportunities!

Honestly I would probably try to get them to reschedule, and if that wasn't possible limit visits but set expectations now. 2 - 4 weeks is peak difficulty breastfeeding-wise. I wouldn't want to sit around my partners' family all day with my boobs out, nor would I want to be relegated to the bedroom. I think you should be allowed to feel comfortable in your own house post partum.